Feeling lost and need advice

[Princess Liv]

Hi everyone! I’m in need of some advice. My daddy and I live together and lately he hasn’t been able to get into daddy space at all. He’s been having a lot going on with work that it’s been too much, which I completely understand. The problem is that my needs aren’t being met, I’ll end up in little space and will get really frustrated because I get so overwhelmed. I start getting really bratty towards him. We’ve been talking and are trying to figure out ways around this. We’re making a spin wheel of chores and punishments just to try to make things a little bit easier on us. But if anyone has been through this has any advice or other creative ideas that might help us work through this we’d both really appreciate any kind of help?

[MadelynVictoria]

If he's having difficulty at work, I think you should put little space and daddy time aside. I get that it's frustrating, and it's affecting you, and your needs aren't being met, but he has to handle his problems first. Maybe if you do something nice for him, such as cooking dinner for him, running a hot shower/bath for him, etc. can help him unwind and relax, and he may be able to get into that mode and accommodate you. It's always frustrating when our daddies can't be there for us due to real life obligations and difficulties, but sometimes we have to stick it out until those problems are resolved.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

hooooo boy.

*deep breath*

 

if your partner can't get into the space that they usually can, it's time to step back + out of the dynamic for a bit. 

i know that you acknowledged that you totally understand that he's stressed out with work, but as was mentioned above, this isn't really a dynamic shift problem

+ more of a general tolerance towards our partners problem. 

i would look into doing little stuff on your own so that there's less pressure on him to fill that role for you while you still get to maintain a comfortable space for you 

+ you aren't stifling yourself. 

 

but i do think that sitting down + talking as a couple -- outside of your dynamic even as a short meta-talk -- 

is really going to be beneficial here.

focus less on "what can we do as daddy/little?"

+ more as "what can i do as someone who loves you to support you while you deal with a tough time at work, 

+ how can we make sure i'm still feeling loved and special while you're doing that?"

 

good luck!

[Siniwit]

Sometimes I wish I'd taken the time to come back here more often... Responses like the above, to topics like this can be really helpful in those times of despair and desperation... I could've done with something like this recently...  Too little, too late now though...  

But yes... It sounds like time to put the dynamic aside for a bit and just be supportive as best you can. Discuss with him what his needs are right now and how you can help; really listen and follow through on that, and try your best to be patient. He will likely be getting himself more and more stressed and worked up knowing that you need him to be in a head space he doesn't feel he can be in right now. Chances are he feels he can't because he doesn't feel he can fully be there and present 100%, so feels he doesn't want to let you down by only half being Daddy. If that makes sense? Sometimes us Daddies get ourselves all worked up with pressure, feeling we have to be all-in or not at all, with Daddy space. Because we know we want to enjoy it and we know our littles want to enjoy it and we know we want each of us to get the best out of it, so we sometimes feel like anything less than 100% isn't good enough and it drives us mad when we don't feel we can deliver on 100% during stressful times - especially if those stressful times are prolonged.... And it's definitely not a good idea to "force" into that head space.

That was certainly part of the problem with my most recent relationship. We had a big breakdown of communication where I probably needed to stop trying so hard to be Daddy and to focus more on the stressful things in my life and deal with them. My stresses with work, health and family were all coming at once and as I suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, naturally, I was throwing myself into being Daddy, then realising I couldn't just hide away from the stresses, so tried to find a balance, but I was doing this all on my own, in my own head, without really letting her know what was going on in my mind. What little bits I did share about my efforts/struggles, she needed to let me do that and we needed to put the dynamic aside while I did. My fear there, was that we'd both "drift" through days or weeks and I know that could lead to unhappiness and feeling unfulfilled... So I was left back at the notion of trying to juggle everything.

We both needed to be more patient with stepping outside the dynamic, and needed to accept that sometimes in life, we can't always be in little space or Daddy space, and needed to let the situation be and play out. Most importantly, we just needed to support each other through it as best we could. We couldn't work it out and certain things weren't expressed or if they were, they weren't followed through on after discussion and it resulted in us both neglecting bits of each other and it really damaged her little space in the end. It wasn't pretty, but it was, for the most part, avoidable. We weren't able to step outside our dynamic for long at all. She wasn't able to support me in ways she perhaps could have and I wasn't able to provide her what she needed as we both had pretty critical things going on, all-while planning a trip together. So it all got very messy.

My advice to you (not that my situation is exactly the same as yours), would be as in the previous replies: take a step back from little space and put the dynamic on hold for a bit and just be the best partner you can. If you find you're stifling your little self and his work stuff prolongs, then it needs a follow-up discussion and he needs to be made aware of that (both beforehand, of the potential for that to happen - though ensure he knows that's not to suggest he's under any pressure or expectation! - and later if it does become an issue) so he can be reminded... We do sometimes go tunnel-vision on problems and need reminding about stuff! It's a man thing!

The key thing is to be there for each other and to show love, care, respect and support for each other. These are key foundations for any relationship and if they fall out of balance, so does the relationship, which makes life 10 times harder than it needs to be. Doing little activities for yourself will definitely help, but try not to do things that will make you wish you had your Daddy there doing them with you. Try not to do things that will make you miss him. Try to do little things that will occupy your mind and relieve you of your bigger self worries (even if for a short while), and maybe do something physical to expend all that little energy too!   

Crucially, keep communication open at all times and keep checking in with each other. Make sure you're alright and he's alright and walk through this together. Not that you'd intend to, but be wary of turning it into a you versus him situation. You're in your relationship together. This is one of life's curveballs that it will throw you every once in a while. You've both got to learn to adapt to these things and walk through them and move past them together.

I hope that made some sense and helped? Not all Daddies are the same, but that's just my take based on my own recent experiences.   

ETA: This place needs emoji support! All my emojis were wiped out of here. Damn it!

Edited March 27, 2019 by Siniwit

[CryBabyUniWolf]

Caregivers need care too.

Try to be understanding about his needs and space that he needs.

I understand that you are little and have your little needs, but don't force him to be in daddyspace, that can turn out badly.

 

You don't need a caregiver, you can still do little things on your own.

 

Remember, you are still an adult in an adult relationship. He'll come around, I'm sure. Just support him as he needs time.

 

Be patient and understanding. If he agrees to doing small things for you, that's great, but be sure that you aren't putting more stress on him.

 

I wish you the best and hope you two can work something out and maybe can come to a compromise.

[Guest Aetherr]

theres one thing to understand and another thing entirely to support him, the three main mistake i see you have made here are as follows

 

1. after learning of his struggles you don't seem to and continue to show little concern for what you can be doing on your end to help him through the rough patch he is stuck in

2. you persisted with involving him in your little space knowing full well he was not mentally capable of being there for you, inflicting stress on you and pressure on him

3. you come here asking strangers for advice without atleast giving us enough information to go by when you should be talking to him

 

 

work on those three things and he might begin to feel just a tiny bit less alone i am sure, you two will thrive for it where you will learn to be more of an adult every now and then especially when its not a good idea to avoid adult problems and he will feel a bit less like he is with a child and a bit more like he is with a consenting adult who cares about his feelings and struggles and is willing to put things aside for his health and well being.

Edited March 28, 2019 by Aetherr

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

Communication is really important in a relationship, and it's great that you know and understand what's going on with him. I know it's not as simple as "well just stop going into littlespace for a while", because it sounds from what you've said like you can't really help that. Forcing yourself to be big when you really want to be little is stressful for you. What you do have to keep in mind is that it's difficult for him, undoubtedly, and feeling like he's somehow not giving you what you need because he can't do the whole "daddy" thing right now is almost certainly making him feel worse.

 

Think back to before you were in this relationship. How did you handle littlespace as a single person? The things you did then were things you could do independently, and I would suggest going back to those activities. Colouring, watching cartoons, or whatever it was that you used to do. When you have time to yourself, do those things and find a way to enjoy being little on your own. When your partner is around, do whatever you can to help him get through this stressful patch. When he's feeling better I'm sure he'll get right back into daddy mode, but if you keep being, in your own words, bratty towards him, that's going to make him feel worse about his inability to be in that mode for you.

 

Ultimately, something like that can kill a relationship, because he can get stuck in a cycle of feeling worse about the way he's not feeling, and that additional stress about not being able to get into daddy mode makes getting into that headspace even harder, if not impossible. A partnership means being there for each other through difficult times, compromising on what we want to make sure our partner is okay. The best thing you can do in my opinion is to be little in your own time, and when you're with him try not to let your frustration show. There are ways he could reduce his stress, and personally I'm a big fan of distractions. Watch a film together, go for a walk somewhere you both enjoy, and try to reconnect with that side of your relationship without worrying too much about the daddy/little dynamic. That will come back when you're both ready for it. You could do things for him like cook dinner so he doesn't have to worry about that, or even just run him a bubble bath so he can slip into it for half an hour. Try not to overthink the current problem and get yourself too worked up about it, because that won't help. He will get through this current stressful patch and get back to normal. It just needs a little time. Good luck to both of you!