Partners do NOT equal Happiness

[MommySophia]

This has really started to bother me so I figured I would give one of this Topics a try, I'm sorry if I mess it up. But more and more I am see this desperation for people to find their partners. And not in a healthy way.

 

Too many people are wanting other people to clean up their messes so they don't have to.

Too many people are wanting a partner so they don't have to face themselves alone.

Too many people feel worthless if they are not in a relationship.

 

Too many people are confused because relationships do not equal immediate undying happiness. And I hate to be frank, but hoping in a relationship will NOT fix your depression, your anxiety, your eating disorders, sleep disorders or the issues with your family or work. And if you think it will, that is setting yourself up to fail and selfishly putting your partner in the position to be the Fixer Upper that they may not have signed up for.

 

If no one else has I am here to tell you:

 

A relationship will not fix your problems. 

Obsessing over a relationship is unhealthy and is a put off.

When you are this fixated, you don't want a relationship, you want someone to obsesses over you.
 

So before you keep laying up night after night wondering why you are going to die alone at 18-20 years of age realize you are wrecking yourself over nothing.

A lot of people aren't even in a position to be in a relationship what with their emotional turmoil they experience or are experiencing, yet they don't have the honestly to admit it.

 

I don't know if this is a new fad or something I just came back here after work to see; but this obsessing over finding a partner is running rampant and people need to take a step back, breathe deeply and learn to love themselves.

When I train anyone in any lifestyle I always make sure they are comfortable living on their own. Of course its easier and nicer with someone, but I make sure their life is in balance to potentially shield any potential partner that may be hurt. If you cannot do simple things for yourself and you are asking for a CG to do so, you are not asking for a partner. You are asking to be catered to, point blank. And that is not fair to be put on a partner.

Learn to do everything you are asking of a partner: put yourself to bed, take yourself out to buy that stuffie, be able to make a decision on what to wear in the morning, learn coping mechanisms for your anxiety or other mental illnesses. AND STOP putting all of that on your partners who didn't sign up for it. We are all adults and should all know how or be learning how to effectively administer ourselves Self Care. 

Sorry if this all came out harsh, but sometimes the blunt honesty is the best way to get through. I encourage everyone to learn to love their own company before bringing someone else into things. Its only fair.

Edited March 25, 2019 by MommySophia

[Guest Ttul]

Amen!

[Little kaiya]

MommySophia I could not agree with you more or applaud louder. Your perspective may not be met with a lot of happy faces or acceptance but I believe you hit the nail on the head.

 

There are so many personal ads of people just seeking ANYONE out of a fear of being alone versus seeking a compatible partner where both partners can love share and support one another in a healthy manner.

 

I think it's very important for people to be able to love themselves before they are truly ready and able to love someone else. I still believe people are free to approach finding love and a relationship however they want but you are right, a partner doesn't make happiness, rather they should be someone you can share your existing happiness with and who can share their existing happiness with you.

 

Little kaiya

Edited March 25, 2019 by Little kaiya

[LittleCelticLass]

So much yes!!!

[Metalheaddaddy]

This is a good post

[Lollipox]

Majority of people who NEED to absorb this information will not be the ones reading it.

But it’s good to vent frustrations.

[MommySophia]

I could say more about a lot of people wanting a partner so they don't have to put in any effort in the relationship, but I don't want to cross a line as I know not everyone is like that.

[LittleTeacup]

One reason why I'm not looking for a relationship right now is I want to be able to support myself before subjecting a potential partner to me.

 

I read somewhere the best way to find a perfect partner is to be a perfect partner. So whatever you're looking for, be what that person would be looking for. Kind, patient, thoughtful, etc. And always be yourself!

 

My brother's ex-girlfriend was always going on about marriage like that would solve their relationship problems. After breaking up, she started dating another guy and got engaged to him in a few months. I'm sure she'll figure out she still has the same problems as before.

 

If someone just needs a person to love, it's ok to latch onto an actor/musician/celebrity. Think how happy that person would be if you could take care of yourself. Do it for them. And your future partner.

[Guest Potassium]

I feel like this should be required reading.

[TwilightSparklez]

I agree to all the above 10,000%. I am happy being single because I can work on me and it gives me time to really evaluate my needs in a relationship.Sometimes I do feel a bit of a yearning to have someone as part of my life but I remind myself that when the time is right it will happen. In the meantime I can work on becoming the best and most successful version of myself.

[PastelBruises]

This is so true, I have to remind myself about it thought.

Two incomplete people don't make a whole person.

[SamL]

The only consistent thing in every broken relationship I've ever had - is me.  If only I could figure out where the problem lies...

 

My recommendations to everyone in my life after a break-up is this:

 

Stage one: When you're ready...DON'T RUSH...get a houseplant.  If at the end of a year, it is still alive, you are ready to move on to stage two.  Stage two: Go to a shelter and find a pet.  If at the end of a year, your pet is still alive, you are ready to move on to stage three.  Stage three: You are now ready for a relationship with a human being, but first, get rid of your houseplant and your pet because Murphy's Law says that the perfect person for you is going to be allergic to both. 

Edited March 25, 2019 by SamL

[Guest LittleSnowiii]

Perfectly said. Seriously, every part of it.

Thank you 

[zanderandspike]

So before you keep laying up night after night wondering why you are going to die alone at 18-20 years of age realize you are wrecking yourself over nothing.

never before have I felt so personally attacked on this website lol, man I laughed so hard my roommate asked if I was ok...

 

just because the topic is open, I'm throwing my two cents in, sorry if this is... idk unhelpful/confusing(also sorry about gramar and spelling in advance)

 

So we've intentified a problem lets go into why it's there, personally I feel like a lot of these problemsstim from sexism and a socital need to have people around

 

The second part is easier to explain so I'll start with that: Humans are social creatures and we need constant soicialisation, but a large part of our society had basicly stated that friends should be lesser to a romantic relationship aka 'just friends' 'we're only friends' 'everyone is my friend' 

 

That last one doesn't sound too bad untill you consider that is everyone is your friend then you're not really close to anyone, and we as humans need that closeness, it's why we have family units(of course some family units suck and aren't good, but that's the general idea)

 

So because we need someone close we instantly look for the deepest relationship we can had, which for some is romance

 

Now as for the sexism(forwarning, I'm from the south south so this is like weridly still an issue), I can't speak for everyone, but I vividly remember my mother/aunt/grandma all saying "You need to cover up that depression/fat/scar/etc if you wanna get a man" or "you'll want a man/family someday" 

 

This sucked(beond the menal issues) this leads to women only considering other women worth anything if they have a man(almost every chick flick ever adds to this by showing that woman aren't happy without a man)

 

So we grow up acustom to a woman needing a man, not in major ways(my mother was a single parent and she payed the bills{most of the time lmao}) but in more subtle ways, like the idea that a man needs to fight to protect a woman(no always sexist but the only example I could think of)

 

On the flipside of this(which I personaly don't know as well) men are 'suposed' to protect/take care of 'their woman' so there might be some of the same feelings twards thinking you need someone because that's just what people do(?)

 

so basicly because society expects certian thinks of us, roles we're suposed to fill it's easier to fill thouse roles and when we're not we consider ourselfs as failing our jobs 

 

obvs this isn't everyone and some people are more sure of themselves, so they may not feel this way, juat my 2 cents no one asked for lol, hope that made some sence

[PrincessKittenCupcake]

I also heard the "you'll never get a man acting like that" rhetoric growing up. It turns into this negative feedback loop in which your self esteem is based on your ability to maintain a good relationship, but you never developed the skills required to do so, so your self esteem just continues to drop, and you're stuck.

 

I'm not justifying the type of behaviors discussed here, but I do think it's important to note that it may be totally unintentional rather than predatory.

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

Reading through the thread, and from my own experience and anecdotes from friends, I think a lot of us have made the mistake at some point of feeling like we needed to be in a relationship. Sometimes we even ignore red flags and toxic behaviour because the idea of being in a relationship feels way more important. I'm guilty of making this mistake.

 

When I was younger, I felt like I had a checklist in my mind of things that "normal people" did. Graduate university, get a job, get a place to live, and the next thing on the list once I'd done those things was getting into a relationship. I basically jumped on the first person who came along who seemed to show any interest in me, and ended up getting married aged 21 which of course was way too young for that kind of commitment. I didn't even take the time to consider whether this person, my now-ex, was in any way right for me or whether I was in any way right for her. I'm asexual, and at that time I didn't know what that was and I was trying to force myself to be sexual because that was how I felt "normal people" were. It worked for a while, but ultimately the relationship fell apart because we were too different in what we wanted. Sex was a part of that, but definitely not the only part. It was a difficult lesson to learn, but what I took away from it was not to rush, and not to prioritise any relationship over the right relationship.

 

When we're single it's easy to look at couples and think they've got everything they want. When we do that, when we become fixated on the concept of being with someone, it's all too easy to end up ignoring the personality of someone we meet because all we see them as is a potential partner, and we almost project onto them whatever we want to see. Compatibility is what's important, and it takes time to get to know someone and to get to know whether that compatibility exists. How many CG/L relationships have we seen last a month or two and then fizzle out? Because we're part of a small community, when we find someone else in the community we want to jump in because perhaps we're conscious of the fact that there aren't actually a huge number of littles or daddies, and because of that we can feel like "they'll do". Even if they're very clearly wrong for us. I have a little friend whose daddy is barely communicative. He doesn't talk to her much, his promises always seem to come to nothing, and he isn't there for her when she needs him most of the time. But she won't leave him. Yes she has feelings for him, strong feelings no doubt, but underlying that is the sense that if she breaks up with him, she might not find another daddy, so a bad daddy is better than no daddy. We've had that conversation a few times, and unless and until she decides for herself that it's time to try something else, she'll be stuck in that rut. I don't say that because I'm in any way interested in her - we definitely wouldn't be right for each other and I'm not looking to pursue a relationship with her.

 

Finally, CG/L is different from vanilla relationships because, at least in my experience, the connection between a caregiver and little is deeper and can feel more intense. Those feelings and emotions can appear very quickly - I've had people want to call me "daddy" within a couple of days of talking, and people say they "love" me within a couple of weeks. I'm not saying those feelings aren't valid, but we have to be aware that because of the nature of CG/L and the roles we take on as littles and caregivers, those feelings can appear to be all the more intense. Being in love is a wonderful feeling and it's something we all want to have eventually. Someone to love and be loved by, and someone to build a life with in whatever way we choose. It's just important to make sure it's the right person, and we're not settling for someone who isn't right just because they're into CG/L or because we think it's the right time of life to be doing so.

 

Don't be afraid to be single, enjoy that time as much as possible. If you have too much free time, take a course or learn new skills. Put your brain to use and let a relationship happen when it's ready to happen.

[Guest LostCaterpillar]

I find I have this issue, although on a smaller scale. In a way its nice to have someone tell me just how important it is to love myself before I can love someone else, and is exactly why I'm not actively TRYING to find a caregiver here. Sometimes harsh helps