Triad/Poly issues.

[vbee]

I know there’s alot of threads on here about being judged by others but I haven’t seen any that address poly relationship issues really. So I hope this isn’t to repetitive.

 

My Daddy and I are in a closed triad with someone my Daddy has been with for a few years and I’ve now been with both of them for a couple years. CGL has only sort of recently come into the D/s dynamic between me and my Daddy, but. Pretty much all the aspects were already there just not NAMED or identified. Our other partner . . really doesn’t like it. He hates DDLG, calls it messed up, says people who do it are freaks and need therapy because they need to stop. He’s unable to understand how wanting to call our girlfriend Daddy sometimes has nothing to do with incest or family trauma for me. He’s tried to understand it and research it and ask us about it, but. It always ends in him yelling and calling us freaks. Which, is ironic because honestly he is a bratty little himself if he were to use that terminology and (for the bedroom aspects of it) wasn’t mostly asexual. It fits him to a T.

 

I don’t know what to do, though. He’s basically forbidden every and anything DDLG if we want to stay with him because it makes him too uncomfortable. But . . my Daddy would never leave him. She loves him more than anything but we can barely stop ourselves from falling back into CGL things. Since, we’ve always been this way with each other even if we didn’t use the terms and I didn’t call her Daddy.

 

I think he wants to try to figure out how to cope with us being involved in CGL but he also wants me to get therapy . . .he thinks I just need “healthier coping mechanisms”. Even though I have plenty and have been to therapy before. He thinks my Daddy needs help too but, she’s already IN therapy so.

 

I think he just doesn’t know how to understand that sex of ANY kind OR the nonsexual side of DDLG can actually be healthy . . .the things he says hurt us alot because we know the truth. And we know how important this specific kind of relationship is for both of us.

 

Has anyone been in our shoes before? Or have advice?

[Little kaiya]

It really sounds like the three of you need to sit down and have a very frank and difficult conversation. If the partner has tried researching DDlg but is forbidding it while you and your Daddy find DDlg important, then it sounds like there may be a deep seated incompatibility that needs to be addressed by the three of you.

 

Do the three of you see a possible middle ground, e.g. DDlg allowed but not in his presence? Is that something you and your Daddy would be comfortable with? Is therapy a viable option as suggested by the non-Daddy partner? Is there some other middle ground that would be acceptable to the three of you?

 

If he is causing the two of you mental anguish, as you've stated, why does your Daddy want to remain with him? Do the three of you see the relationship lasting long term with what sounds like a building sentiment of resentment? It feels like you and he are trying to both have the relationship your way while your Daddy is staying neutral and trying to keep the other partner but also have DDlg elements with you. I dont know your poly dynamic but I'm confused why your non-Daddy partner has the authority to forbid anything. If that's part of your dynamic then shouldnt it be respected but if not why do they feel they have that right?

 

My wife, Daddy and I have different dynamics between ourselves but when it comes to adult issues that need discussion we all have an equal say and agree to discuss it rationally as adults.

 

All said, I can't say what you should or shouldnt do but what you've described sounds harmful and unhealthy in the short and certainly long term to be honest. Hopefully the three of you can find a solution, whatever that may be, that respects the desires, wants and needs of all three of you.

 

Little kaiya

Edited March 13, 2019 by Little kaiya

[vbee]

Thank you for the detailed response

 

The dynamic of our relationship is complicated sometimes. The reason he can ask that of us is because he and my Daddy were together first so they’re the “primary relationship”. Ultimately we want everyone to be considered equal but it isn’t yet. So until then I’m willing to be #2 to both of them. My Daddy sees and loves me and our boyfriend equally already but the rest of the relationship is still being worked on. Plus he knows she and I are willing to respect when he has hard limits and so far this is one of the few he has. We’re into some pretty kinky stuff outside of our CGL aspects and THAT is already something we are allowed to do as long as he doesn’t have to hear about it.

 

I think the last time we talked we almost got to a place where we could do CGL as long as we just didn’t use the word “Daddy”. It seems like that’s where he draws the line. But, we didn’t get that finalized or made clear because that was when our boyfriend hit his limit and got overwhelmed. We can try to talk to him about it again but I want to wait since that was just a few days ago and he’s been fighting with my Daddy over stupid things this week (this happens sometimes, usually only for, like. A week then things are ok again).

 

I hate how it sounds when I say this, but. I think he needs to curb some control issues he doesn’t realize he has. He wants everything to be equal but wants his relationship with my Daddy to be the primary one. He wants to be in this triad but wishes he could go on dates with people outside the relationship if someone came along. (Not for sex. Just for a fun date. He doesn’t have anyone he knows that he’d want that with but he wants the option.) I’m pretty sure he has some deep seated commitment issues. He tries to deny it but they’re there and it’s obvious. We all want this to work, but he’s said if it doesn’t that he’s never doing a closed relationship again and never settling down because it scares him. I’m no expert but that sounds like a fear of commitment to me. And no it’s not the testosterone speaking . . because he doesn’t have any. He’s a nonbinary trans boy and is sex repulsed for the most part, so. I really don’t think there’s any greedy sex hungry motives there.

 

I know I have my own control issues and so does my Daddy, but. We try to sacrifice whatever we need to in favor of the love that’s between us. I don’t resent our boyfriend and don’t think I’d grow to unless he was hurting my Daddy. I mostly just feel like sitting on the side of the room with my arms crossed and a pouty frown. Lol.

[xBabydollx]

He sounds very controlling. Very "me me me" and "I want, I want, I want" etc. He seems to expect the both of u to bend to his needs....but how often does he bend for the both of yours? A talk on the power dynamic may be needed, so things can truly be equal. May be time for him to back up all that talk/make actions for equality and not just talking about the dreams of it. Actions are what really count at the end of the day, and if equality matters so much, why keep pushing it away further down the line? If 'Daddy' truly is his issue and where he is willing to bend, u can easily call ur partner Daddy in private (in the bedroom or when the other partner isn't home), and call ur Daddy a different nickname when the other partner is around. If u need ideas, there is a huge alternative list of names for Daddy on this site. I might be crazy, but I really don't think it's his business what the two of u do privately (as long as it's not in front of him, just like with the rest of y'all bdsm desires for each other). It's like being mad because they two of them do anal etc, if you're not involved, why does it matter? To a certain point, even with poly, I think some things should be private or depend entirely on the 2 ppl involved. u all share a dynamic, but u also each have 1 on 1 relationships as well. If they aren't willing to bend at all, then might have to face the truth of incompatibility issues.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

DID SOMEONE SAY POLYAMORY!? 

*kicks door in*

 

hi!

i'm jellybean, one of the moderators here + the resident (unofficial + self-appointed) polya ambassador!

 

i have to agree largely with kaiya here. 

i've been in relationships before that didn't understand, or weren't interested in/didn't want to be a part of the DDLG dynamic when i identified as a little, 

but i've never had a partner who insisted i not engage in a dynamic with my partner that didn't involve them.

i can understand + respect your other partner not wanting to be involved or see your DDLG relationship -- that's a valid limit -- 

but i don't think it's practical or fair for them to dictate your relationship with your other partner. 

similarly to what kaiya said, i think you need to sit down all three of you + talk about compromises or ways to make this work, because it's

incredibly unfair + unrealistic to expect you + your partner to just give up your dynamic or lose your partner. 

(in my honest, unfiltered opinion, any partner who demanded i change or not be their partner anymore

probably isn't worth having as a partner, but i understand that's not my decision to make.) 

 

the ultimatums aren't fair, or beneficial for anyone. 

if your third partner decides they can't be with you guys anymore because of your dynamic that doesn't even involve them, 

the hard truth is that that's a choice /they/ have to make.

it honestly shouldn't be you + your daddy's decision -- it's your third partner's.

 

i often  say that in every disagreement, there's three C's that lead up to a resolution.

compromise - you find a solution that benefits everyone with concessions on both sides. 

concession - someone gives in -- it isn't the healthiest decision, but it happens. 

closure - someone leaves. 

unfortunately, it sounds like it's time for that discussion with your third. 

[MadelynVictoria]

I'm not in a poly relationship, nor have I ever been in one, so I don't know how dynamics go for the three of you, but this doesn't seem okay to me. The CGL is a dynamic that your daddy and you have. I don't see how the other person thinks they have a right to dictate how the two of you do your dynamic, or has the right to judge the two of you. I think that's really selfish. They should let you two have your dynamic, and they can have their dynamic with your partner. I think the three of you need to sit down and discuss this.

[vbee]

Thanks for all the replies. We’re willing to bend to him on this as long as he is RESPECTFUL about it because he’s bent to us on 99% of the REST of our sex life already. Anyone saying we should continue with it in private without our third knowing is promoting a form of cheating. Yes that can happen in poly relationships. I would know because me and my Daddy already did that at one point. We won’t go down that road again and aren’t naive enough to think an arrangement of us doing something in private doesn’t still affect our third. If it was just a matter of dislike then I’d be upset that our third wouldn’t agree to just ignore it if we didn’t do it around him. But, it seems to be a stronger reaction than that.

 

My problem is the judgemental shit. Like I said earlier we DO try to talk about it every now and then. He just can’t handle the subject for very long until he gets overwhelmed and freaks out. It’s my hope that we can try to talk about it again soon and come to a compromise. Since, most of the CGL shit was there before we knew it was.

 

And . . I would call my Daddy something else if I could get myself to, but. We don’t really like most of the alternatives and when we’ve tried to even just stop altogether.. I don’t seem to have the self control. Whether that’s permanent or if I can actually change it I don’t know yet. But. At this point the word Daddy just .. comes out in the bedroom still by accident. Which isn’t my Daddy’s fault at all because she’s been good about steering us away from that whenever possible.

 

Obviously I can’t really express our specific triad dynamics in a forum post so there alot of nuances that affect whether or not some of these simpler solutions you have talked about are even reasonable, but. Hopefully you can understand when I say our third and my Daddy both have serious anxiety issues and trauma that makes these kinds of “just sit down and talk about it” things not work most of the time. Not for a lack of trying, but. One or both of them will freeze up or have a panic attack most of the time. And it’s not because either of them have made the other afraid. It’s because of past shit.

[Vito]

Poly relationships, great for fun but pretty difficult to maintain. 

 

As previously stated, if two votes are for yes & he's the only one saying no i say cut him loose

 

Most people struggle keeping one partner happy, mix in one or two extra and its recipe for complications. 

[vbee]

If breaking up with him didn’t mean throwing away years of deep supportive love for everyone involved then . . I would. But none of us is willing to throw the very real love that’s between us away over this if it can be resolved somehow. Even if it’s not what someone might want. In this case I think me and my Daddy will try to pull away from the lifestyle unless or until our third can find a way to cope with the thought of us engaging in it. It’s a loss that hurts, but. I’d rather feel dissatisfied in this way than lose either or both of them.

[Littlest_Bee]

My deepest sympathy for having to make such a tough choice.

 

Since you mentioned that your daddy and your third have issues with panic attacks/ freezing up and therapy has been a point of discussion already I wonder: does your third have therapeutic help at this moment?

 

I know it would take me a while to be comfortable enough to talk about things of a sexual nature with a therapist but maybe all of you could benefit from the support that therapy has to offer even without making this specific thing a topic in therapy.

 

 

Apart from that, there's a kind of educational call-in show on YouTube called: "Secular Sexuality". If I understand things right one of the hosts is a licensed therapist (specialising on dealing with sexual themes) as well as actively into polyamory. You could check out the show and see if you would feel comfortable calling in or writing to them for helpful suggestions.

DDLg has been brought up on the show before (though I am not aware that it has been a huge topic) and I also wonder if listening to a general show like that might be a way for your third to engage with the idea on more neutral ground if it just happens to be discussed among other topics. Of course I don't know him at all so I don't know what kind of reaction is likely but listening can be different than reading about something and something being mentioned more or less in passing might be less threatening than engaging purposefully with something he's uncomfortable with. So maybe while you check out the show you would come across an episode that you could recommend to him and just see if he becomes more accepting or more able to talk to you about a compromise?

 

(Edit: I guess I mean that I'd hope if he likes the show enough to check out more on his own that it could spark more understanding over time)

A link to the channel (NSFW): https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6rMzPbGk8DZcrQMAb0cVlA

 

I hope I didn't jumble the different thoughts and ideas too much.

Best wishes

Edited March 16, 2019 by Gândi_Bee