scared to feel like a daddy

[Guest Aetherr]

for a few months before christmas i had this problem where i was being taken out of top space almost everytime i slipped in it got soo bad i stopped thinking rationally and i was just driven by pure fear to avoid people and situations where i would slip and 3 months later when confronted with the chance to be a daddy again the fear is almost paralyzing its making me feel like i didnt and dont matter and the pressure i feel makes me want to walk away for good, does anyone have any advice or things i can do to rebuild that trust with people and hopefully learn how to self care better when it happens again

[Sadie Tremaine]

Was there a reason you were being taken out of top space? I'm not sure I understand the context of the situation so that I can offer advice. Is the reason you're scared to be a Daddy that you feel you can be taken out of that space too easily? Is it that you have a little side as well and aren't sure how to balance the two?

[Guest Aetherr]

the person i was interacting with at the time admitted she wasnt good mentally and we took a step back from the play so she could heal and today when i was approached by this person again to play the anxiety of being in that position, basically the damage she caused has been with me for that entire time, buried pretty deep and i want to heal because i have feeling for the person but top space is hardly ever talked about so i have no understanding of it, i just know im scared to be the dom because this person had issues helping me with my mindspace

[Sadie Tremaine]

How did she cause damage? 

 

(I'm assuming that you feel comfortable enough discussing this in the open board, but if you feel the need to take it to a PM feel free to add me and do that. Sometimes it's easier because you don't feel you have to speak candidly.)

[Guest Aetherr]

there was a period of time where play would have to be stopped in an abrupt way because either i or she was not feeling comfortable and i never once felt like i could talk about it with her but i encouraged her to talk to me which left me feeling like i didnt matter and after a while i stopped wanting to play because i didnt feel like i mattered or would receive care or that i would be accommodated me and my old play partner have been talking the entire day about it and i am feeling neglected all over again its something to the effect of

 

"i cant help you, i dont feel safe"

 

and despite me making it clear we dont have to continue, as it would be better for me if we didnt she still wants to explore it

 

i do hope this makes sense

[Sadie Tremaine]

As someone who is by and large a Caregiver, I do understand where you're coming from. For a long time I didn't acknowledge my little side and so when I finally did it was hard for my friends to 'adjust' to that. It sounds like that's what's going on in your situation. The second you have a need and express it the other party 'doesn't feel safe'. 

 

The reality of the situation is that, at the end of the day, you are both adults and friends (if not more). And friends are there for each other. As to the play being stopped abruptly because one of you wasn't feeling comfortable I really think that that was a good thing to do. But following that I think that talking about your reasons you feel that way is important. 

 

Since you've stated to me that you've made it clear to this person that you don't have to continue (I assume you mean in a permanent end to things sense) because it would be better for you, I can advise that if that's the way you feel then you  need to officially end things with this person. Feeling stuck in a dynamic where you're unhappy and unfulfilled isn't good for anyone. There is something to be said for doing everything you can to work things out but that takes the effort of both parties. 

[Guest QueenJellybean]

hi! this is an all too real fear & a bit of a personal situation since i had something very similar to this happen with my ex-Little. 

we were playing & she didn't tell me until towards the end of the scene -- despite my frequent check-ins -- that she had had a panic attack earlier that day & was not in the mental space to play. she was playing with me because she wanted to punish herself almost -- for all the wrong reasons, reasons i wouldn't have consented to playing with her with if i had known about them beforehand. 

i was really hurt & we had a hard time building the trust back up to play again -- i almost felt a little violated, or even taken advantage of. 

 

when i expressed to her those feelings, she absolutely understood & apologized, but that's... a part of the risk of bdsm, almost.

we have to trust that the person we play with will be honest with us -- regardless of if we're a top or a bottom.

just because we hear a lot more about the bottom being put in an unsafe situation/taken advantage of by the top, 

as we can see from our very similar stories, it can happen to anyone, regardless of their position. 

 

it's hard to recover from that, & i'm not going to pretend that it wasn't a small part of our break-up -- that fractured trust. 

but i can tell you with absolute certainty that i've been able to play again since then with people i trust (& with a lot more reassurance, even if they think it's stupid.)

 

 

at the end of the day, like sadie said, we're all consenting adults. 

& sometimes, we have to make hard choices.

 

even if that hard choice is not to play with someone that we care about because we don't feel comfortable anymore.

even if we're the top -- the one whose supposed to be "in control". 

even if our bottom says over & over that they are comfortable & they want to, but something inside us just doesn't feel right.

even if we don't have a good reason other than a feeling. 

 

trust your gut, & your partner/friend should respect that decision if they respect you as a person.

good luck, & my inbox is always open.