Too many dead ends

[princess mae]

Over the past year or so, I've been on what feels like a downward spiral. Lemme sees if I can break it down so people don't fall asleep on this topic. (Keep in mind, when I mention Dom in this, I'm referring to non-DDlg kink)

 

I've been married for almost 8 years now to a really great guy. He's the most understanding person I could ever meet and my best friend, the Mad Hatter to my March Hare, that level of bonding weirdness. Okay, sappy part over, I promise, lol. The issue is, he doesn't like bdsm at all. He's pretty much completely vanilla, with a few bare exceptions. When I began to discover that I wanted to explore but still remain married to him, he gave me his permission. (I've only ever explored online and not in person. I do have fantasies about such things but I am a shy, 'fraidy bunny and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to live my poly amorous ideals.) When I found out I was a little, he was overjoyed. Not because he wanted to be a Daddy, but because he's a little too! Only he's a bigger little...a middle.

 

I've gone through three separate issues with three different guys, a Dom, a Mister and a Papa. I won't go into them because this post will go on forever, but it's safe to say that they left me very scarred. I'm still very good friends with the Dom, because the situation with him, however unfortunate, was fixable. But the bridges have been burnt for the other two. I still feel very angry about what happened.

 

I haven't been a very good little since then. I break all the rules I made for myself.

 

I get turned off by dominance now. I have a hard time trusting those who claim to be Daddies or Doms. But the thing is, I liked being a sub. I like being an obedient little (sometimes  ). My issue is not quite getting over what happened to me, because I know time heals. But how can I heal this aversion to dominance? Am I doomed to shy away from it for the rest of my life now?

 

Happier P.S. : Ever since Papa left, Hubs has been acting as my caregiver more and more, which is wonderful and I'm very happy. He's still not a Daddy Dom and he'll never be, but I'm very grateful that he's agreed to do that much for me.

[MommySophia]

Mae I am very sorry to hear those bad experiences have left lasting negative impressions, but if it is any consolation, you are doing the exact right thing. You realize your behavior has changed, understood it was due to bad experiences and even understand you need time to process.

As for the aversion: You need positive reinforcement for submissive behavior on your end. And then the same for when you receive Dominant care. So start small and celebrate success!
 

Maybe one day you work on just following 1 specific rule. And you reward yourself for it! Then another day another rule! After awhile try a couple days following a few rules. Always reward yourself, and maybe get your Hubby to help reward you as well! This will help build up your subbie side.

Once your subbie side is empowered, then turn towards reacting positively to Dominance. Maybe ask your Hubby to come up with rules that you wouldn't think of. Or maybe get an online Big Brother or Big Sister to help promote positive dominance. But do things slowly. Very slowly and reward yourself every time you follow through.

Positive reassurance should wipe away the aversion over time.

[Guest]

This is a really well written post.

 

And I understand what you mean about losing respect for Dom’s/Daddies’ dominance after bad experiences and the same with respect about your own rules. I’m curious myself how to pick back up after that, again.

 

I’m currently feeling a little “out of sorts”, which is on and off for me.

The only thing that’s gotten me through it in the past is just saying “omg just get up and do it, try to be the sub you want to be- for yourself.” I don’t like to let other people ruin aspects of my life that I enjoy. It happens, but you can bounce back because the things you like or enjoy are part of YOU, not them.

 

Maybe you’re just mentally or emotionally taking a break from it all, whether you want to or not. Lol

Like a movie you watch on repeat, get sick of, but come back to loving later.

 

Either way, good luck. Please keep us updated on your situation?

[baby_k]

From my personal experience I can say that time and experiences heal also aversion to dominance. Or more like: when you really trust someone, it starts to actually be enjoyable instead of something nasty. I'm quite the handful but with patient, respectful person I was able to really enjoy even the sort of dominance that would normally make me rice to barricades because it seeming more like oppression than something pleasant.

 

I really like how MommySophia described that you can be that gentle, respectful person to yourself. You don't need some other person to heal that aversion.

 

But take your time, it might be still bit early to get back with the dominance because of your experiences. One day you will get there thou and you can enjoy the things you have previously liked. What you go through is just a phase, so don't stress too much about it It is normal to have some resentment to things that are linked to unpleasant, painful experiences or situations but you can slowly work on yourself and get rid of the resentment. Just like people often are not interested in dating after their rel ends: some even say that they will never want to date anyone and dating is horrible -just to find themselves happily married 5 years later.

[princess mae]

Papa messaged me today, first contact I've had with him in three months. Talking to him, I felt defiant. I didn't try to hide the fact that Hubs is my CG now, in fact, I almost relished telling him. He tried to tell me the standard stuff, he misses me, he thinks about me everyday. The conversation kinda died after that, because I couldn't return the sentiment.

I haven't really tried to embrace dominance, instead, I've just been enjoying myself. Hubs doesn't like punishing me, and so I get away with a lot of things. He wouldn't let me become too much of a brat, so there's no danger there, ha. To that end, I've discovered kitten/bunnyspace, and Hubs *squees* at my adorableness. Anyway...thank you all for helping me through this rough patch, and if you want, I'll update you when I have more news. Much loves! <3

[LittleTeacup]

I just want to say you and your husband sound super adorable.

[princess mae]

Thank you, littleteacup! At the risk of blowing my own horn, we really really are.. To illustrate this, I had the zoomies today and I bit him on da leg to get his attention and he gave me a spank and I went "ow!" and he was like "OMG I'm sorry, did I hurt you???"