[TW] LDR Problems

[Double Side Daddy]

Im in a LDR relationship and have been for close to a month. Ive been having issues with getting my little to open up. She has bad trust issues, but it seems like ive been slowly gaining here trust... the issue is she has an eating and self harm problem. She says everyone leaves her so i reassure her when needed, Making sure not to be clingy. But Getting a happy warm message across conveying my feelings of care. She says its not a problem that i cant help with and often avoids talking about it when either of us bring it up. I want to make things easier on here and she says that me being there is enough along with always wanting to help. But if it is why is she still suffering so much? Im trying to give her time so im not pushing her, she has gotten better at opening up, that im thankful for

[CryptKing]

A month is a little premature to be asking your significant other to spill out their darkest fantasies and deepest desires. Her avoiding something as touchy as an eating disorder and self harm is perfectly normal, especially when you two have been together for less than 5 weeks.

 

If she wants to fight her own battles, then so be it. We all have our own crosses we have to bear, just being is enough for the time being. You should only intervene when it gets to be too much. Moral support is fine, but don't pat her on the back and hold one hand as shes cutting her thigh with the other. There's plenty of reasons why she could be struggling, but as her boyfriend, daddy or what have you you're the shoulder to cry on.

 

Best wishes, hope this works itself out

[Double Side Daddy]

Thanks, she hasn't had another incident yet. I intervene when needed. She tells me when she’s done somthing she knows I’d disapprove of, I understand completely that we all have our own battles to fight. I’ve been fighting mine for 9 years, it’s a good reminder thanks though

 

I also don’t like to open up, but if she ever feels the need to know about what happed to me...hopefully I’ll be able to talk about the things that hurt me like I ask her to

[Guest QueenJellybean]

this is gonna be a very non-sugary answer, so forgive me. 

 

when she says it's her, it really is her.

you've got to believe her on this, & if she says she doesn't want you to help & that what you're doing is enough, then it is. 

if she decides later to use that against, that's manipulative & her problem. 

 

as another human being who suffers from mental illness, 

it sucks ass. 

but it isn't anything that my partners can fix, even if they want to. 

she's still "suffering so much" because she has an eating disorder & struggles with self-harm.

those are some tough crosses to bear -- as CryptKing said -- & i can almost promise you she had them before you came around.

 

i get that in this community, we want to nurture & protect our relationships.

but she's still an adult with issues outside of your relationship, & your partnership is still pretty new.

let her open up to you as she's comfortable, don't push & just keep supporting her in the way that you have been. 

if you want to do more, ask her what she needs in that moment, but if she says that you've been doing enough, 

believe her. 

[Double Side Daddy]

I’ll keep everything in mind. Thanks Jelly!

[star-strucky]

As a little with an eating disorder/mental health issues who has been in an LDR with my daddy for over 2 years, hopefully I can give you some insight. While I'm obviously not an expert on the topic, I have some experiences to share that might help you.

 

So for some background: I met my daddy a few days after I was discharged from an inpatient unit (similar to a hospital) for my eating disorder. Obviously, I didn't open up to him right away, because I didn't want to scare him off. I didn't trust that he would want to be with someone who had to be hospitalized for suicide attempts just a few months prior, or still had bouts of self-harm. I didn't think he would understand the complexity of my mental health issues, or if he would see me as a whole person. I thought of myself as "broken", so I wanted to present what I perceived was the most loveable version of myself to him. I wanted to show him the person that I thought I should be. 

 

It took me a few weeks and a lot of vulnerability to open up about my eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. My insecurities and assumptions about my own issues were mainly what got in the way of me opening up. Once I did tell him about my mental health issues, he was really understanding about it. It was helpful that he was patient (and still is) with me when I was having bad days, urges to self-harm, or urges to use eating disorder behaviors. I think the thing that he did to build my trust the most at that time was not expecting me to be perfect, and helping me when I wasn't perfect. He doesn't mind helping me challenge my irrational thoughts (sometimes the same ones over and over). He lets me have the freedom to have my own emotions, even if he can't understand why I feel them. It was really helpful when he had me call him if I had the urge to self-harm. I didn't need to talk to him about why I wanted to -- we could watch a Disney movie, talk about a vacation we'd like to go on, or anything that would delay or reduce my urge to self-harm. It was more so a distraction and a way for him to make sure I'm safe. 

 

Also, showing me that he wouldn't leave no matter what, and sticking to his word by not leaving when s*it hit the fan (I relapsed and was sent back to inpatient for six weeks this past summer. He sent me flowers, called every day and even attended a therapy session over webcam with me, my nutritionist, and my therapist to learn ways he can better support me) really showed me that he's really committed to me, so I trust him a lot more now when he says he won't leave, and that he truly cares about me.

 

Still, 2 years later, I still have trouble opening up to him if I'm having a bad day. If we're skyping and I get upset for some reason, I turn my camera off because I don't like him seeing me cry, no matter how much he reassures me that it's okay for me to show my feelings. Sometimes I'm ashamed to ask for help when I need it because I know he's done so much for me already and it feels like I'm asking too much. But he knows me well and when something's bothering me, he can tell and usually gets it out of me so he can help me.

 

My advice to you is to be patient. I know it can be hard having a significant other with a mental illness that lives so far away because you want to fix it, and to be there for them and you want them to feel better. Unfortunately, mental illness isn't something that can be fixed, but rather something that gets easier to deal with, often with a supportive environment, therapy, and time. Looking up ways to be supportive of those with self-harm or eating issues might benefit you too. And also remember that it's not your fault or anything you did wrong that causes her to have difficulty opening up, so don't blame yourself. It'll take some time for her to become ready. Just continue to show her you love her and that you care and the foundation for her trust will be built over time. Good luck!! 

[Double Side Daddy]

Thank you so so so much Star-strucky!!! This helped me more than I can put into words!!! Your the best!

[star-strucky]

No prob! Happy to help