Conflicted Little

[cuddlykitty]

So I just discovered DDlg a little while ago and I feel sort of conflicted about it.

 

Part of me really wants to be little and have a daddy that looks after me and can dominate me, but the other part of me wants to stay in control and be independent. I want to be my partner's equal, too, you know? 

 

In DDlg, daddies and littles aren't really equal. Obviously daddies are supposed to put their littles first and respect them, but I feel like if I become a proper little, I won't respect myself. Does that make sense?

 

I'm also worried that I'll stop being myself. In the real world, I'm outspoken, independent, and intense and I don't want to lose that part of myself by being little.

 

Does anybody have a similar experience or advice?

 

Thanks!

 

[junebug0325]

Hiya! So I first want to start off by saying that my Daddy and I are in a long distance relationship, so my advice might be a little bit different compared to someone who is in a irl relationship.

 

With that being said, I have never once felt that I’m not myself when I’m with my Daddy, big or little. Yes, my personality changes a little bit when I become little, but that is because my little is very outspoken and curious. However, just because I have a Daddy doesn’t change who I am as a person, no matter if I’m big or little.

 

I will say, though, that a Daddy aims to take care of you and help you become the best person you can possibly be, which is why most DDLG relationships incorporate rules into the dynamic. But, contrary to popular belief, if you still want to stay in control and be independent, you totally don’t have to have rules. Or, just have a set of rules that you feel comfortable with, and stick with those. Just because you are a little does not mean you give up your rights as a person, therefore, you still have say in your own life and in your own relationship. (And in your own rules)

 

At least with me and my Daddy, my Daddy is not dominate all the time, just like how I am not little all the time. So if you are worried about someone who is controlling your life 24/7, I would stay away from it given what you have said in your post. In my personal experience, my Daddy is always a Daddy, but not always a Dom, if that makes sense. So when you are looking for a Daddy, make sure to ask really important questions, and don’t be afraid to ask what their view on rules is.

 

Remember: even though you are a little, it does not mean you should be belittled. You are still a person that has their own likes and dislikes and shouldn’t be pressured into things you don’t want to do, whether it be rules or any other thing surrounding the dynamic and lifestyle.

 

If you have any questions or need advice, please feel free to personal message me.

 

Hope this helps!

 

 

Junebug xxx

 

 

EDIT: Grammer mistakes

Edited February 19, 2019 by junebug0325

[cuddlykitty]

Hi Junebug! I've talked to a couple of people long distance ("interviewed" is probably a better word) - I'm DEFINITELY not ready for IRL.

 I sometimes just pull myself little space in the middle of conversations without meaning to. My guard goes up, I guess. 

How did you become comfortable being little? I hope that's not a silly question!

[junebug0325]

Hi Junebug! I've talked to a couple of people long distance ("interviewed" is probably a better word) - I'm DEFINITELY not ready for IRL.

 I sometimes just pull myself little space in the middle of conversations without meaning to. My guard goes up, I guess. 

How did you become comfortable being little? I hope that's not a silly question!

Not a silly question at all. It took me a long time to be comfortable being a little, and sometimes, even now, I struggle with it. I didn’t truly feel comfortable being a little until I joined this site, and began “researching” about what others like and dislike, and things that help other littles get into little space.

 

My Daddy also helped me feel comfortable in my own skin, because he constantly reassures me that it’s okay being little, and even is able to help me get into little space more easily. That’s not to say that everyone needs a Daddy to get into little space, because I was able to get into little space without him, but he just makes it easier because he “baby talks” to me, and does things that my little likes. Does that make sense? I hope I explained it decently.

[cuddlykitty]

No, that makes perfect sense.

 

I feel like a big part of it is finding the right people to be around, especially daddies, but it's a pretty daunting task to find the right people.

[Guest Ethan]

Emotions and thoughts of the mind depend on the core beliefs a person has about certain subjects that are related to their social, moral and love life. So, when a person has core beliefs that are against their desires, they experience confusion and internal conflict.

 

In your experience, your core belief is that :

 

○ You cant be independent if you are being a little, and you cant be in control if you are exploring your little side.

 

 

To clear that confusion, you will have to re-educate your belief; think about it : does you being a little or submissive has anything to do with your independence and strength ? Will people start to see you as a weak person if you choose to have a ddlg relationship ?

 

You will notice that, the society does not care about what you do in your relationship, and you are free explore who you want to be.

 

It turns into anxiety, when you worry about being strong, and independent too much; every individual is strong in their own life.

Edited February 19, 2019 by Ethan

[baby_k]

I can really relate to this topic as it was ( sometimes still is ) as issue for me.

 

I like to be in control, I'm independent, outspoken with my opinions and so forward. One bigBIG deal to me was that can I be submissive when I identify as feminist and suporter of equality? But being feminist has nothing to do with what I happen to like in bedroom. Quite the opposite: I think it is real freedom that I can CHOOSE that I want to have certain kind of sex, and it is MY decision. I like it, so I'm having it

 

Little is not a child ( you need to be over 18 ), little is not person unable to care for themself ( I would argue that one needs to be able to take care of oneself before getting involved with caregiver ), little should not be a person who can't state their opinions and views as you really need to know and communicate your boundaries or otherwise there is high risk of being traumatised ( unless you are being little only by yourself ).

All those just state that actually a little isn't be some pushover, quite the contrary.

 

What I think you need to consider is what you like. Don't consider "why" you like it as many things just are what they are when we talk about likes. Cherry pick the parts from ddgl that give something positive for you. Also remember that your likes most likely will change over time. So, what you see weird and nasty now might be something you like in future as you get more comfortable with some ideas ( some stuff imo really requires work we do in our own head... Like I used to be super creeped out with anyone even mentioning "rules", and now I actually even wish to have some ).

 

But if you are super independent, there is also advice/opinion I got not so long ago: "it is not wrong to need somebody" when we talk of love and relationships.

 

 

Here some random ideas/thoughts that are about my personal view of how ddlg relationship should look like:

 

 * even if DDlg rel, it is still a relatioship between two consenting adults. Both are responsible for the relationship and themselves + ( little bit of ) each other.

 * the daddy works between the limits *I* have given him, so in reality I'm the one with final control ( also because I can any time just walk out or end the agreement we have had )

 * purpose of relationship is that it benefits both parties, you take into consideration what both want, like, need... And work from that basis.

 * I suffer from some anxiety and it can get pretty severe sometimes, so I have agreed to obey my daddy when I really start to panic. Even still the word "obey" makes me gringe but there needs to be trust that he would only make me do things that are beneficial to me ( such as "breath in slowly", "put on some calming music" ) and what are between the limits agreed on previously. And I got the most endearing description for this: "you are just borrowing my mind for a moment as yours is occupied with other stuff".

 

 

Anyhow, this is pretty big topic and easier to deal with if you have some more specific examples that bother you.

If it helps, separate first how being a little is from how DDlg rel is. So, find what you enjoy just as a little ( unless for you this is mainly a relationship dynamic you like ) and then consider how you wish a relationship to be. Every rel is different but the right person will appreciate your features and will not try to turn you into some brainless doormat.

 

Edit: corrected sentence.........

Edited February 20, 2019 by baby_k

[SamL]

Well, where to start. I think you've drawn some very reasonable conclusions about Ddlg from observation and made some intuitive conclusions based on what you've seen and heard. I believe though, that quite a lot of it is misleading or ill-advised.

 

Part of me really wants to be little and have a daddy that looks after me and can dominate me, but the other part of me wants to stay in control and be independent. I want to be my partner's equal, too, you know? 

 

If you are not prepared to be in a relationship that is an equal partnership then, in my opinion, you have no business in a relationship. That includes Ddlg.

 

In DDlg, daddies and littles aren't really equal.

 

Said who?

 

Obviously daddies are supposed to put their littles first and respect them, but I feel like if I become a proper little, I won't respect myself. Does that make sense?

 

Every adult relationship needs to be between adults, by definition. Ddlg is no different. You are not six years old, though you may role play a six year old in the evenings or weekends. You are an adult woman and Ddlg or not, you remain an adult woman. Here is, in my opinion, how a successful Ddlg relationship works:

 

Service. Each serves the other in the way best suited to each. Neither is better than the other. Neither is worse. They are not even equal. They are one. What's not to respect?

 

I'm also worried that I'll stop being myself. In the real world, I'm outspoken, independent, and intense and I don't want to lose that part of myself by being little.

 

I have DID (aka as multiple personality disorder). Two littles and a middle share this body with me. I also hold two degrees, have written two books, starred in an infomercial, had two documentaries done on me...and I drink my morning coffee out of a princess cup, share my bed with forty stuffed animals, and keep a healthy supply of play-doh in my briefcase for emergencies. I think you'll be okay.

Edited February 22, 2019 by SamL