Lessons on successful DDlg. Come share your knowledge!

[RavenclawPrincess]

I’ve noticed that there have been a lot of posts from people seeking advice about issues that can be resolved with seemingly basic information on “how to DDlg”. I thought we could all use a positive thread to collectively discuss our experiences and information we’ve gathered. With that, here’s my two cents on a really important lesson that I had to learn in order to be happy in our lifestyle.

 

Over the years, I’ve learned about the importance of teamwork and how vital this is to creating and maintaining a successful dynamic. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of expecting your partner to cater to your needs and focus mainly on this. I’ve found that shifting my attention to self improvement and catering to my partner’s wants and needs leads to a happier relationship for me.

 

I admit, when I first got into the lifestyle I was really selfish with my partners and I couldn’t see that. We’ve all witnessed this time and again, and the majority of us likely had the same exact mentality in the beginning. Instead of pouting about not getting what I wanted all the time from my partners, I should have been looking at the big picture and evaluating what I could do myself to make things better for BOTH of us. This involved me learning to focus on meeting my partner’s needs and doing my best to make him happy before asking for more attention and effort from him. The end result was that he didn’t have to worry about himself because I was taking proper care of him, so he was able to focus on taking proper care of me in return. The reality is, we have to remember that our partners need us to give just as much as we want to receive. If we fail to be mindful of this fact, it only creates a situation where our own wants and needs cannot be met either.

 

As a little, I’ve noticed that many of us easily forget that we are responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of our caregivers. You can’t pour from an empty cup so to speak, so my advice to other littles is this: if you are feeling unfulfilled or neglected in your dynamic, make sure your partner’s cup is full and remains that way. Don’t ever start off with complaining about what the other person is “doing wrong”. Pulling your own weight right off the bat will help motivate your caregiver to match your efforts. If you don’t care enough to put in the work to fix whatever the problem is, then why should your partner do so? A dynamic is too much responsibility for only one person and it isn’t going to result in your happiness if you don’t make a point to do your part to create and maintain a healthy relationship.

 

To any caregivers experiencing empty cup syndrome, I suggest guiding your little toward understanding your wants and needs and teaching them how to take care of you. Help your little learn that you are a TEAM and you cannot pull the weight of your relationship alone. Every issue that comes up is an opportunity to grow together and if you take advantage of this opportunity, awesome things can happen for everyone involved.

 

Well, there you have it. I hope sharing this little nugget of knowledge that I’ve collected helps someone that needs it, and I’m really excited to see what everyone else has to share!

 

[SamL]

Damn it, woman!  Just on my way to take a nap - took meds to do so.  Found this now that I'm incapable of having a coherent thought and desperately want to share my thoughts - and I can't find them!  ~sigh~  See you after a nap!   Good job on the thread btw.

[RavenclawPrincess]

Thank you SamL! I've noticed that you write awesome posts in other threads so I look forward to reading your thoughts on the topic when you're ready to chime in

[junebug0325]

Yes! It’s important to remember that a DDLG/CGL relationship is STILL a relationship. It still requires normal communication and loyalty just like any other “normal” relationship in the real world. Without that, you have a lot of mistrust, communication errors, and confusion.

[Amelia2610]

A few things I’ve learned from past relationship which I’ll happily bring into my current relationship

 

1) Affection - showing my CG affection, hugs/kisses/cuddles or even slight play of hide and seek.

 

2) Service - not service as in service oriented submission but I do like to help fetch stuff, do clean up with my CG or even cook together with him. There’s times we take turns and cook for each other and appreciate what we do for each other.

 

3) Giving space - there’s times when CGs need space to physically cool or just chill. As a little, I’ve learnt that demanding for or seeking affection then can result in stress/tension.

 

4) Doing activities together that both enjoys - watching shows together, doing colouring/playing imaginary play with stuffies with my CG, or even mutually enjoyed kink activities can help foster the relationship.

 

5) Making time to be adult friends - I think we often overlook the fact that our significant other has to be our best friends first and foremost. I often enjoy adulting as friends and enjoying each other’s company in cafes or walks together when out. I do that with friends, but it’s something I’d seek to do with my CG too. It’s very nice and important to spend time outside of play and just enjoy being in each other’s company. I enjoy hearing my CG share his professional knowledge or views on his work and experiences..

 

Cheers, just my 2 cents!

A

[Guest DaddyNinja]

Edited February 9, 2019 by DaddyNinja

[RavenclawPrincess]

Is posting link to your own blog allowed ?

 

Or link to your own book ?

 

I have a whole book written about it

 

Although english is not my first language; so there are some grammar mistakes in the book.

 

I do know that it's against the rules to post links to an external site where you seek to gain profit. I'm not sure if your blog falls under this category but you could message a staff member to find out if you can post your links or not. I'm sure they'd be happy to help you stay within the rules!

[Guest DaddyNinja]

Okay, Then I will post the advice here first. Thanks.

 

● How to turn your ddlg relationship into a safe place for her to be little fully

 

Making her feel safe and protected, allows her to be herself around you. Turning your relationship into her safe place, where she can be little fully, is a part of it :

 

1. Be excited about the moments of joy in her life :

 

When she wants to share the moments of joy in her life with you, be excited about it. For example, she won a award for her hard work, she is very happy and comes to you and tells you all about it. See her excitement and be excited about it. Be excited about the big and Little moments of joy in her life. For example, she saw a cute bunny and wants to talk about how she loves those cute little bunnies. Be excited about it with her.

 

When she wants to share her life experiences and curiosity with you, be excited and discuss it together. Let her know with your actions that you appreciate the little within her.

 

2. Be understanding, don’t show anger and frustration always:

 

When she makes mistakes and talks about about something that she thinks will make you angry, be understanding, don’t be angry. Anger is not the tool of dominance. Your action should tell her that she can to talk you about her mistakes and fears without feeling like she is disappoining you.

 

No one is perfect after all. When you choose to love her, you choose to love her perfections and imperfections both.

 

3. Be imperfect yourself, don’t try to be too perfect and don’t close your world away from her :

 

In your ddlg relationship, don’t try to be perfect all the time, trying to be too perfect all the time, will make you close your world of emotion away from her. You will feel like you have to be strong and serious every single time. That will make you feel drained. Do your best in your ddlg relationship and life, but don’t try to be perfect every single time.

 

Remind her from time to time, that she does not need to overwork herself in her life. She should do her best and you are always proud of her for her efforts and she is your good girl always.

 

In a ddlg relationship, trying to be perfect creates anger and fear, and insecurity between each other. Sometime, the individuals pull away from each other and refuse to communicate. You don’t want your relationship to be a place, where you both are always in fear about not being good enough for each other.

 

Knowing that she does not have to be perfect all time. And, that you understand her efforts and proud of her, make her feel safe to herself in the ddlg relationship.

 

●The three As of a ddlg relationship

 

The three As of a ddlg relationship are :

 

1. Attention

 

2. Affection

 

3. Appreciation.

 

As a daddy dom :

 

● The three As for a Little :

 

1. GIving attention to the little within her.

2. Giving affection to the little within her.

3. Appreciating the uniqueness of her little within.

 

As a lover :

 

1. GIving attention to her as your lover

2. Giving affection to her as your lover

3. Appreciating her qualities as a lover and a life partner in your life.

 

As a friend :

 

1. Giving attention to her and spending time together and enjoying each others company.

2. Spending time together and being there for each other during the times of sadness and happiness.

3. Appreciating her personality and uniqueness and her smile.

 

As a disciplinarian :

 

1. Giving attention to her growth as a submissive.

2. Being understanding and having patience.

3. Appreciating her effort and strength, perfection and imperfections.

 

As a little :

 

● Three As for a daddy dom

 

1. Let your daddy take care of you and be little without worrying about being big all the time. Tell him your needs and feelings of your heart.

2. Cuddle and reach out for attention and affection and stay close to him.

3. Appreciate his dominance and care in your life.

 

As a lover :

 

1. Understand him and don’t accept him to be perfect always. Stay with him during the times, of sadness and happiness together.

2. Relax and feel safe and protected in his care and love. Love him with your heart. Love his perfections and im perfections.

3. Appreciate his love, care and strength, in your life together.

 

As a friend :

 

1. Spend time together doing random things. If you feel alone, then reach out to him. Don’t go far away without saying anything.

2. Make the ordinary things into little adventure, create new ideas together and try new things.

3. Appreciate his presence in your life together. Let him know how much you love him in your own little ways.

 

As a submissive :

 

1. Express your needs and desires to him. Spend time learning more about yourself, so that you can tell him more about yourself. Don’t except him to read your mind.

2. Follow his guidance and let him know if something makes you feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to be a perfect, you have to be yourself around him.

3. Appreciate his dominance and leadership in your life, by letting him know from time to time about your feelings and the joys you feel. It is only when you share the joys of your heart together, your joys come to life.

 

~●Maintain the balance together and explore your connection and world together●~

Edited February 9, 2019 by DaddyNinja

[Guest Naturalselectionissexy]

I’ve noticed that there have been a lot of posts from people seeking advice about issues that can be resolved with seemingly basic information on “how to DDlg”. I thought we could all use a positive thread to collectively discuss our experiences and information we’ve gathered. With that, here’s my two cents on a really important lesson that I had to learn in order to be happy in our lifestyle.

 

Over the years, I’ve learned about the importance of teamwork and how vital this is to creating and maintaining a successful dynamic. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of expecting your partner to cater to your needs and focus mainly on this. I’ve found that shifting my attention to self improvement and catering to my partner’s wants and needs leads to a happier relationship for me.

 

I admit, when I first got into the lifestyle I was really selfish with my partners and I couldn’t see that. We’ve all witnessed this time and again, and the majority of us likely had the same exact mentality in the beginning. Instead of pouting about not getting what I wanted all the time from my partners, I should have been looking at the big picture and evaluating what I could do myself to make things better for BOTH of us. This involved me learning to focus on meeting my partner’s needs and doing my best to make him happy before asking for more attention and effort from him. The end result was that he didn’t have to worry about himself because I was taking proper care of him, so he was able to focus on taking proper care of me in return. The reality is, we have to remember that our partners need us to give just as much as we want to receive. If we fail to be mindful of this fact, it only creates a situation where our own wants and needs cannot be met either.

 

As a little, I’ve noticed that many of us easily forget that we are responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of our caregivers. You can’t pour from an empty cup so to speak, so my advice to other littles is this: if you are feeling unfulfilled or neglected in your dynamic, make sure your partner’s cup is full and remains that way. Don’t ever start off with complaining about what the other person is “doing wrong”. Pulling your own weight right off the bat will help motivate your caregiver to match your efforts. If you don’t care enough to put in the work to fix whatever the problem is, then why should your partner do so? A dynamic is too much responsibility for only one person and it isn’t going to result in your happiness if you don’t make a point to do your part to create and maintain a healthy relationship.

 

To any caregivers experiencing empty cup syndrome, I suggest guiding your little toward understanding your wants and needs and teaching them how to take care of you. Help your little learn that you are a TEAM and you cannot pull the weight of your relationship alone. Every issue that comes up is an opportunity to grow together and if you take advantage of this opportunity, awesome things can happen for everyone involved.

 

Well, there you have it. I hope sharing this little nugget of knowledge that I’ve collected helps someone that needs it, and I’m really excited to see what everyone else has to share!

 

 

Bravo! 

 

You are exactly the type of person that should be sought after and highly desired with this mentality. Nobody ever appreciates the fact that I point back to them to improve themselves or asking what they have to offer vs. just taking. Clearly you get it. 

[RavenclawPrincess]

I appreciate that, Closer! It's a tough lesson to learn and takes a lot of time and effort but this strategy is the holy grail that I can offer in terms of advice for people that are having a rough time with their relationships.

[SamL]

People form relationships; it's what we do. For many of us, our first relationship was with someone who held us upside down and spanked us. To this day, I don't like going to the doctors. But I got my first lesson in relationships that day – don't stay with someone that hits you without establishing a safe word first. He then gave me to my mom – second relationship. That one, actually, didn't turn out any better.

 

Most of us started developing relationships with family, then friends and neighbors – learning lessons along the way. Every time we get involved in a new type of relationship, we are well advised to build on the past lessons rather than discard them. In other words, whatever lessons we've learned about how to treat the people we met on the playground, are still applicable in our Ddlg relationship. I can understand how many might find that superfluous, but I have found that it is critical.

 

Ddlg is like a Russian nesting doll that came out of a slightly larger doll called BDSM, which came out of an even bigger doll called 'Adult Relationship'. Lessons we (hopefully) learned in our first adult relationships includes aphorisms like, 'Communication is Key' which we take with us down the line to our first BDSM relationship where we learned things unique to these types of relationships. Things like, 'Safe, Sane and Consensual' which isn't seen in the vanilla adult relationships. When we take it a step further, to Ddlg, we take communication along with safe, sane and consensual with us and add lessons specific to Ddlg.

 

The common denominator in every successful relationship that I have ever been in – from the relationship I have with my father to the relationship I've had with my students, the mailman, the woman who lives next door is this: Relationships are about service – one to another, in the way best suited for each. When service to each other is out of balance, it must be restored or the relationship will end.

Edited February 9, 2019 by SamL

[babygirlG430]

I’ve noticed that there have been a lot of posts from people seeking advice about issues that can be resolved with seemingly basic information on “how to DDlg”. I thought we could all use a positive thread to collectively discuss our experiences and information we’ve gathered. With that, here’s my two cents on a really important lesson that I had to learn in order to be happy in our lifestyle.

 

Over the years, I’ve learned about the importance of teamwork and how vital this is to creating and maintaining a successful dynamic. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of expecting your partner to cater to your needs and focus mainly on this. I’ve found that shifting my attention to self improvement and catering to my partner’s wants and needs leads to a happier relationship for me.

 

I admit, when I first got into the lifestyle I was really selfish with my partners and I couldn’t see that. We’ve all witnessed this time and again, and the majority of us likely had the same exact mentality in the beginning. Instead of pouting about not getting what I wanted all the time from my partners, I should have been looking at the big picture and evaluating what I could do myself to make things better for BOTH of us. This involved me learning to focus on meeting my partner’s needs and doing my best to make him happy before asking for more attention and effort from him. The end result was that he didn’t have to worry about himself because I was taking proper care of him, so he was able to focus on taking proper care of me in return. The reality is, we have to remember that our partners need us to give just as much as we want to receive. If we fail to be mindful of this fact, it only creates a situation where our own wants and needs cannot be met either.

 

As a little, I’ve noticed that many of us easily forget that we are responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of our caregivers. You can’t pour from an empty cup so to speak, so my advice to other littles is this: if you are feeling unfulfilled or neglected in your dynamic, make sure your partner’s cup is full and remains that way. Don’t ever start off with complaining about what the other person is “doing wrong”. Pulling your own weight right off the bat will help motivate your caregiver to match your efforts. If you don’t care enough to put in the work to fix whatever the problem is, then why should your partner do so? A dynamic is too much responsibility for only one person and it isn’t going to result in your happiness if you don’t make a point to do your part to create and maintain a healthy relationship.

 

To any caregivers experiencing empty cup syndrome, I suggest guiding your little toward understanding your wants and needs and teaching them how to take care of you. Help your little learn that you are a TEAM and you cannot pull the weight of your relationship alone. Every issue that comes up is an opportunity to grow together and if you take advantage of this opportunity, awesome things can happen for everyone involved.

 

Well, there you have it. I hope sharing this little nugget of knowledge that I’ve collected helps someone that needs it, and I’m really excited to see what everyone else has to share!

RavenclawPrincess I LOVE LOVE this!!!!

 

To be honest I’m very traditional when it comes to adult relationships anyway.....I take care of my man in home life, and he provides for me. My number 1 dream job is to be a 1950’s housewife.

While I’m new to DDlg, I feel like this mindset has made that transition much easier. You can only expect so much before you’ve got to give some kind of something in return.

Edited February 10, 2019 by babygirlG430

[Guest CharlieFPG]

I'm going to add two important points based on personal experience.

 

First, this kind of trust and this bond is hardly formed on short notice. The best and the worst about someone is learned by constant interaction and after years, we may even learn something new from that partner.

 

It is important to be patient and give TIME to ourselves and a potential partner to figure out if this is really the person or if it's just a good friend.

 

Let me illustrate this with my second point. We want to swallow and live our dreamed CG/l dynamic and we might idealize or complete gaps of what we know. Most important, we build a partnership based on temporary, fleeting things like tastes, stuff they like in common, sex, food, etc and in the long run they don't last.

 

Love, that concept that nearly everyone misunderstands completely and what we try to build here, is what we feel when we don't want to practice 'Eros'. Love is what is left when we are not horny.

 

A successful relationship takes time and builds love everyday after we learn and accept each other flaws because we realize we share common values and objectives with a partner, and several other long lasting aspects of our lives. The rest, sex, DD/lg, BDSM we share to give flavor and a way to be happy together.

[RavenclawPrincess]

I am LOVING everyone’s contributions to this thread! I believe the wisdom you all are sharing is going to do a lot of people a lot of good

[PrincessKittenCupcake]

Be flexible and realistic.

 

I see a lot of posts on this forum from Littles who are with a Caregiver that simply isn't going to be able to provide the level of support they are seeking.

 

If a Caregiver does not practice discipine in their own life, it is highly unlikely that they would be able to provide you with those things.

 

This goes for both sides, but especially Littles:

 

You need to find your voice BEFORE entering into any kind of BDSM relationship. Being a Little/Submissive requires a higher level of confidence and assertiveness. If you haven't learned how to say "no" and really mean it, the liklihood that you will end up hurt/traumatized increases tenfold. I see way too many Littles who clearly haven't learned how to command the respect of others. Submission is a priviledge that can be revoked at anytime if the Little/Sub sees fit.

[Guest ~*Lexie Lou*~]

I think that you have hit the nail on the head. At the end of the day, a DDlg relationship is a relationship. I believe that it is important that the ones involved have an intimate connection before introducing the DDlg aspect if you want it to work. 

 

I have tried going about it both ways and I will say from my experience that having a foundation and partnership was a more fulfilling experience for me. I was able to more readily embrace my little side because I felt a bond and trust with my D. I know many people that are happy and successful just fulfilling the sexual aspects of a relationship, but I feel there is a vulnerability in a DDlg relationship that is unique. 

 

The little should provide a safe place for the Big just as much as the Big provides for the little. There should be fluidity in the relationship and they should be able to lean on each other. If they don't, I don't know how a Daddy can truly understand the way a little works. 

 

Just my two cents, on no sleep. Haha Sorry if I rambled.