Avoiding unwanted attention?

[q.t.pie]

Last year I'd found a 'matchmaking' blog on tumblr that catered to the ddlg community and had decided at the time to post, hoping to find a daddy. Fast forward to now, and I somehow still get people messaging me about it! Which...dang, okay. But there was one guy who seemed promising enough, so I started talking to him. Turns out he's new to ddlg as well, and asks immediately if he can be my caregiver. I pumped the brakes a bit, saying I'd like to get to know him first, and we talked for most of the day. However, at midnight when I'm trying to say goodnight, he immediately started pressuring me to go to his place and cuddle. I kept telling him no, and he wouldn't stop asking until eventually I just went to bed anyway. I wake up this morning, and he had sent me a message about how he couldn't stop thinking about me. And...I don't know what to do? It's all moving way too fast for me, and I don't feel comfortable with the way things are going, but I don't know what to do. We were going to try and meet as friends on Tuesday, but now I'm afraid it'll only end badly. Does anyone have any advice on the best way to handle this? I don't want to just ghost him, but since he already had ignored my requests before I'm not sure what else would even work.

[Guest FirmHand]

Please do not meet this guy IRL until you are 100% comfortable with it. This sounds like the plot to a badly written serial killer movie, that alone should be clue. You should again reiterate that you want to take things slow and get to know him. If he continues to push then it is time to ghost him. You sound like you are very kind but you must protect yourself as well. Cheers!

[junebug0325]

First off, him asking to be your Caregiver right away should be a HUGE red flag. Another red flag would be for him to try and pressure you into going over to his place.

 

Do not go over to his place if you don’t feel 100% comfortable. Try talking to him more and learning more about him. Also, talk to him about feeling pressured, and being turned off by it. Sometimes telling people straight out about your feelings gives you a very definitive answer if they have good intentions or not.

 

Remember, you are not obligated to talk to him or to protect his feelings. If it isn’t a good match, it isn’t a good match.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Junebug xxx

[RavenclawPrincess]

I’d like to add that cutting off contact with someone that doesn’t respect your boundaries repeatedly and doesn’t allow you to feel safe is absolutely ok. If I were in your shoes I would send him a message explaining the situation from my perspective so he has an opportunity to learn from this for future potential partners and let him know that it’s time to part ways. Ghosting without an explanation is mean (except for extreme situations) but standing up for yourself and putting your foot down with someone that is incompatible is something that we all have a right to do.

[Guest Aetherr]

please for the love of all that is good and just, DO NOT MEET

 

its all well and good to talk to a person like that but after him asking to be your caregiver without even a few weeks to a month of chatting should be all you need to call the meet off

he has made it clear based on his refusal to talke your feelings into account that he is

1. desperate and not making any attempts to be a decent human

2. showing a clear and utter lack of respect and consideration for you

 

both reasons above would atleast in my book be enough to tell someone its not happening and it never will aslong as this person continues to acts this way and even then the fact that they did it soo early on shows it will only get worse from there

 

be safe, remember no is a valid answer

[Angel24]

I’d like to add that cutting off contact with someone that doesn’t respect your boundaries repeatedly and doesn’t allow you to feel safe is absolutely ok. If I were in your shoes I would send him a message explaining the situation from my perspective so he has an opportunity to learn from this for future potential partners and let him know that it’s time to part ways. Ghosting without an explanation is mean (except for extreme situations) but standing up for yourself and putting your foot down with someone that is incompatible is something that we all have a right to do.

Couldn't have said it better myself:) and if he doesn't respect your explanation for not wanting to talk anymore than he really isn't a safe person to be around. Gotta protect yourself first:)

[SamL]

I’d like to add that cutting off contact with someone that doesn’t respect your boundaries repeatedly and doesn’t allow you to feel safe is absolutely ok. If I were in your shoes I would send him a message explaining the situation from my perspective so he has an opportunity to learn from this for future potential partners and let him know that it’s time to part ways. Ghosting without an explanation is mean (except for extreme situations) but standing up for yourself and putting your foot down with someone that is incompatible is something that we all have a right to do.

 

Good advice all around and while I very much liked this response, I wanted to piggyback on her thoughts...

 

I'm not big on ghosting - it's good boundary practice to say something along the lines of "I'm no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with you.  Good bye." And then cut contact.  I hesitate explaining the situation from my perspective though as RP suggested.  I think that's a great idea with my friends, family, etc. but I'm concerned that 'explaining it so that he has an opportunity to learn from this for future partners' while kind-hearted and well meaning, might just teach a predator how to hide his red flags and become a better predator.  

[Guest DaddyNinja]

Sometime, you will have to be assertive and express your boundaries. Tell him, that you are feeling uncomfortable by his behaviour.

 

Here is some articles from my blog on safety Be well.

 

___________________

 

1.How to protect yourself in kink

A little's guide:

 

The idea of "complete Perfect protection" does not exist in kink. If you believe in perfect protection then you will let your guard down completely and become careless, that is not something you should do. No matter how safe and protected you are feeling, you should always keep your guard up when talking to new people and meeting new people in kink. But the idea of not having "complete perfect protection" should not stop you from learning and exploring, there is little bit of risk in everything we do in life.

 

The first thing to do is to always trust your gut feeling, it is very important that you do that. If you sense something is wrong then investigate it. If you feel very uncomfortable with someone then leave them. An easy way to develop your gut feeling is to watch how people interact with each other, actions speak louder then words, notice their actions, notice the subtle things they do then judge them based on their actions. Nobody is going to be perfect but it allows you to judge them.

 

You will be needing good people in your life too, friends who you can trust. Humans are social beings, doing something alone may sound heroic in movies but in real life, doing something alone does not always work. As you learn and explore, you will have to find good friends. I know that you are shy and making friends can be hard sometime. But you will have to take the first step, one step at a time. Do it slowly. It is always better to have close female friends first then you can focus on having male friends. Your close friends will be there with you when life puts you down.

 

Don't rush into doing anything, you should slow down and have patience. Take time to get to know them as a person first, they should be able talk about themselves without talking about sex and kink first. If you are deciding to meet then take time to get to know him as a person very well, don't meet until trust is build with them. When in doubt about your situation, never hesitate to ask others and experienced people too.

 

Always remember that a person has no right to demand things from you or order you around without your informed consent. Informed consent means that he has your permission to do things together. For you to give informed consent, three things are necessary and they are...

 

1. Enough information about the activity to make a decision. You should have understanding about the activity including why it will be done, how it will be done, any risk that are involved with the activity. Never agree to do anything that you don't want to do.

 

2. You should be in condition to make a clear judgement. Don't make decisions when you are not in the right mindset.

 

2. You should be free from any pressure from him. You should be able to feel comfortable when making the decision. If you feel uncomfortable during the decision making then you are not in the condition to give informed consent. If you feel uncomfortable and under pressure from that person then see that as a warning sign and leave that person.

 

Lastly, remember that sometime, people you know for a long time are not always safe when it comes to certain things. Many people only trust someone who they have known for a long time. They judge based on the belief that "The longer you know someone the more can trust them". Time is a important factor in building trust but you should always judge them by their action no matter how long you have known them for.

 

Conclusion:

 

In short:

 

1. Always trust your gut feeling.

 

2. Keep informed consent in mind. No one has the right to make you do anything without your informed consent.

 

3. Pay attention to people and their behavior. Judge by their actions.

 

_______________

Red flags for littles

Redflags are warning signs to look out for. They helps you stay out from getting hurt. Below are a list of red flags.

 

During talking and getting to know each other..

 

1. Declares his love for you right away without even getting to know you.

2. Uses languages like twin flame and soulmates to say that you don't need to know each other.

3. Gets angry and overacts at simple teasing and flirting.

4. Acts like he is emotionally unstable. One time angry , another time egoistical.

5. Asks for nude pictures right away without even getting to know you.

6. Only talks when he is playing with you, never talks outside playtime.

7. Uses lines like " Good littles don't do that. ". " You are a bad little if you don't it. ". " You will obey me fully "

8. Does not shows you his face. Sends old pictures. Never sends live pictures.

9. Avoids questions and changes the topic quickly.

10. Always talks sexually, never takes time to get know you.

11. Says " You are so beautiful " without even knowing what you look like. Says "you have a amazing" without even getting to know you.

12. Uses fake promises and compliments to manipulate you.

13. Says that you must earn the right to see his face. Says You must work hard to please him only then he will tell you about himself.

14. Gets angry when you ask a question whose answer he does not knows.

15. Gives fake excuses instead of telling the truth.

16. Bodyshames you and takes advantage of your insecurity to manipulate you into doing things.

17. Gives warning that if you don't follow his orders then he will punish you roughly without getting in relationship with you first.

18. Gets angry, pissed and overacts when you don't reply fast.

19. When you say no to something , calls you a bitch and threatens you.

20. Ignores you and says that you need to work hard to get his attention.

21. Says " I love you ", " I cant be without you " to manipulate you.

22. Says he is depressed and he will hurt himself if you don't obey his orders.

23. Says what a heartless bitch you are and that you don't have a heart when you refuse to obey his orders.

24. Says that you will be lonely forever and you will never find a Daddy to manipulate you.

25. If you are a new little then says that he is going to train you. When asked what type of training ? Says that sending nude pictures daily and satisfying him sexually daily.

26. Uses words like a Real and true little will never say no. A real and true little will never do this and that.

27. Does not have a single idea about what little space is.

28. Does not knows how to take care of a little when you are in little space.

29. Tells you not to talk with other Daddy Doms, littles and people in the kink community

30. Tells you not to make any other little friends and any other friends

 

When meeting....

 

31. Asks you to meet him only after two and three days of knowing each other.

 

32. Tells you to meet at a private place instead of a public area.

33. Tells you to not tell anyone else or he will leave you.

34. When asking for setting up a safe call, manipulates you by saying, " So you don't trust me ? You think I can't keep you safe and protected ? "

35. Asks you to come during night , not at day.

36. Tells you not to bring your mobile or any things that can be used to contact others.

37. Never offers suggestions for your safety himself. Never asks for your safe. A good Daddy Dom will ask you himself to set up a safe call. Tell a friend. Let someone else know.

38. Tells you that you are a grown up adult so you don't need to worry about protection. You can take care of yourself to manipulate you

39. Says that you are a strong independent woman. You can handle any issue. To manipulate you.

40. Tells you " Are you a cry baby ? " " Are you a scared cat that needs others to hold her hand ? " To manipulate you.

 

When in a relationship..

 

41. When you are in little space, tells you to shut the fuck up. Says that you are annoying. Tells you to stop behaving like that. Tells you to grow up.

42. Punishes you for every tiny mistakes. You spend your days being afraid and your little feels afraid to come out.

43. Punishes you when you are sad and depressed instead of talking and listening to you.

44. When you are in little space and ask for affection and attention, ignores you.

45. Threatens to leave you if you don't follow his sexual demands.

46. Says that Real little does should have any limits.

47. Uses double binds to confuse you. ( Please Google double binds. That is a conversation method that is used to confuse a person )

48. Says things like " So you don't love your Daddy ? " To manipulate you into doing things you don't want.

49. Hits you in anger when you are in little space.

50. At first he was caring and treated you with respect made you get attached to him but once in relationship, he has turned cold completely.

51. Angrily yells at you when you are depressed and sad.

52. Obsessed with the tittle " Daddy". If you forgot to say Daddy when everytime you talk then punishes you in angers and threatens you.

53. If you are bratty and sassy then keeps punishing you to take away the brat in you. Most of the time, this type of punishment is done in anger.

54. Does not takes care of you after a scene. Leaves you all alone. Tells you to deal with yourself.

 

Ghosting...

 

55. Ghosts on you suddenly then comes back after sometime then again ghosts on you then again comes back.

56. Everytime he ghosts, uses false excuses to make up with you.

57. Asks for a second chance every time he comes back.

58. When you give him a chance, again ghosts on you. Then again comes back, asking for another chance.

59. Blocks you on every type of contact lists then again unblocks you then again blocks you.

60. Only comes back to ask for sex and sexual nudes then again ghosts on you.

 

In little space.....

 

61. Leaves you Alone when you are in little space.

62. Does not want to deal with you when you are in little space.

63. Throws away stuffie, paci , blanket when you are wanting them.

64. Insults when you are in little space.

65. Punishes you every time you try to be a little.

66. Tells you that you are too big to be a little.

67. Tells you that you are too old to be a little.

68. Does not takes care of you when you are little space.

69. Expresses hate toward little space activities.

70. Always in serious and angry mood with you when you are in little space.

 

This list should give you a good idea about how to stay out of wrong relationships.

 

Safety suggestions

 

1. Make little friends. Have a circle of little friends.

2. Talk with some experienced friendly Daddy Doms. Also talk with some experienced members.

3. Post about your concern in DDLg groups or the other groups you like.

4. Always listen to your gut feelings.

5. You are never too big or too old to be a little.

6. Make friends with other friendly kinkstars.

7. Don't be afraid to reach out for help if needed.

8. Remember. You are strong. You can overcome those fears. He can't treat you like a doormat.

9. I know you are a adult and you are a strong independent woman but you should not hesitate to reach out for help to the community.

10. If you have a active kink community in your area then make friends there. Talk with the experienced people.

[LittleTeacup]

Sometime, you will have to be assertive and express your boundaries. Tell him, that you are feeling uncomfortable by his behaviour.

 

Here is some articles from my blog on safety Be well.

 

___________________

 

1.How to protect yourself in kink

A little's guide:

 

The idea of "complete Perfect protection" does not exist in kink. If you believe in perfect protection then you will let your guard down completely and become careless, that is not something you should do. No matter how safe and protected you are feeling, you should always keep your guard up when talking to new people and meeting new people in kink. But the idea of not having "complete perfect protection" should not stop you from learning and exploring, there is little bit of risk in everything we do in life.

 

The first thing to do is to always trust your gut feeling, it is very important that you do that. If you sense something is wrong then investigate it. If you feel very uncomfortable with someone then leave them. An easy way to develop your gut feeling is to watch how people interact with each other, actions speak louder then words, notice their actions, notice the subtle things they do then judge them based on their actions. Nobody is going to be perfect but it allows you to judge them.

 

You will be needing good people in your life too, friends who you can trust. Humans are social beings, doing something alone may sound heroic in movies but in real life, doing something alone does not always work. As you learn and explore, you will have to find good friends. I know that you are shy and making friends can be hard sometime. But you will have to take the first step, one step at a time. Do it slowly. It is always better to have close female friends first then you can focus on having male friends. Your close friends will be there with you when life puts you down.

 

Don't rush into doing anything, you should slow down and have patience. Take time to get to know them as a person first, they should be able talk about themselves without talking about sex and kink first. If you are deciding to meet then take time to get to know him as a person very well, don't meet until trust is build with them. When in doubt about your situation, never hesitate to ask others and experienced people too.

 

Always remember that a person has no right to demand things from you or order you around without your informed consent. Informed consent means that he has your permission to do things together. For you to give informed consent, three things are necessary and they are...

 

1. Enough information about the activity to make a decision. You should have understanding about the activity including why it will be done, how it will be done, any risk that are involved with the activity. Never agree to do anything that you don't want to do.

 

2. You should be in condition to make a clear judgement. Don't make decisions when you are not in the right mindset.

 

2. You should be free from any pressure from him. You should be able to feel comfortable when making the decision. If you feel uncomfortable during the decision making then you are not in the condition to give informed consent. If you feel uncomfortable and under pressure from that person then see that as a warning sign and leave that person.

 

Lastly, remember that sometime, people you know for a long time are not always safe when it comes to certain things. Many people only trust someone who they have known for a long time. They judge based on the belief that "The longer you know someone the more can trust them". Time is a important factor in building trust but you should always judge them by their action no matter how long you have known them for.

 

Conclusion:

 

In short:

 

1. Always trust your gut feeling.

 

2. Keep informed consent in mind. No one has the right to make you do anything without your informed consent.

 

3. Pay attention to people and their behavior. Judge by their actions.

 

_______________

Red flags for littles

Redflags are warning signs to look out for. They helps you stay out from getting hurt. Below are a list of red flags.

 

During talking and getting to know each other..

 

1. Declares his love for you right away without even getting to know you.

2. Uses languages like twin flame and soulmates to say that you don't need to know each other.

3. Gets angry and overacts at simple teasing and flirting.

4. Acts like he is emotionally unstable. One time angry , another time egoistical.

5. Asks for nude pictures right away without even getting to know you.

6. Only talks when he is playing with you, never talks outside playtime.

7. Uses lines like " Good littles don't do that. ". " You are a bad little if you don't it. ". " You will obey me fully "

8. Does not shows you his face. Sends old pictures. Never sends live pictures.

9. Avoids questions and changes the topic quickly.

10. Always talks sexually, never takes time to get know you.

11. Says " You are so beautiful " without even knowing what you look like. Says "you have a amazing" without even getting to know you.

12. Uses fake promises and compliments to manipulate you.

13. Says that you must earn the right to see his face. Says You must work hard to please him only then he will tell you about himself.

14. Gets angry when you ask a question whose answer he does not knows.

15. Gives fake excuses instead of telling the truth.

16. Bodyshames you and takes advantage of your insecurity to manipulate you into doing things.

17. Gives warning that if you don't follow his orders then he will punish you roughly without getting in relationship with you first.

18. Gets angry, pissed and overacts when you don't reply fast.

19. When you say no to something , calls you a bitch and threatens you.

20. Ignores you and says that you need to work hard to get his attention.

21. Says " I love you ", " I cant be without you " to manipulate you.

22. Says he is depressed and he will hurt himself if you don't obey his orders.

23. Says what a heartless bitch you are and that you don't have a heart when you refuse to obey his orders.

24. Says that you will be lonely forever and you will never find a Daddy to manipulate you.

25. If you are a new little then says that he is going to train you. When asked what type of training ? Says that sending nude pictures daily and satisfying him sexually daily.

26. Uses words like a Real and true little will never say no. A real and true little will never do this and that.

27. Does not have a single idea about what little space is.

28. Does not knows how to take care of a little when you are in little space.

29. Tells you not to talk with other Daddy Doms, littles and people in the kink community

30. Tells you not to make any other little friends and any other friends

 

When meeting....

 

31. Asks you to meet him only after two and three days of knowing each other.

 

32. Tells you to meet at a private place instead of a public area.

33. Tells you to not tell anyone else or he will leave you.

34. When asking for setting up a safe call, manipulates you by saying, " So you don't trust me ? You think I can't keep you safe and protected ? "

35. Asks you to come during night , not at day.

36. Tells you not to bring your mobile or any things that can be used to contact others.

37. Never offers suggestions for your safety himself. Never asks for your safe. A good Daddy Dom will ask you himself to set up a safe call. Tell a friend. Let someone else know.

38. Tells you that you are a grown up adult so you don't need to worry about protection. You can take care of yourself to manipulate you

39. Says that you are a strong independent woman. You can handle any issue. To manipulate you.

40. Tells you " Are you a cry baby ? " " Are you a scared cat that needs others to hold her hand ? " To manipulate you.

 

When in a relationship..

 

41. When you are in little space, tells you to shut the fuck up. Says that you are annoying. Tells you to stop behaving like that. Tells you to grow up.

42. Punishes you for every tiny mistakes. You spend your days being afraid and your little feels afraid to come out.

43. Punishes you when you are sad and depressed instead of talking and listening to you.

44. When you are in little space and ask for affection and attention, ignores you.

45. Threatens to leave you if you don't follow his sexual demands.

46. Says that Real little does should have any limits.

47. Uses double binds to confuse you. ( Please Google double binds. That is a conversation method that is used to confuse a person )

48. Says things like " So you don't love your Daddy ? " To manipulate you into doing things you don't want.

49. Hits you in anger when you are in little space.

50. At first he was caring and treated you with respect made you get attached to him but once in relationship, he has turned cold completely.

51. Angrily yells at you when you are depressed and sad.

52. Obsessed with the tittle " Daddy". If you forgot to say Daddy when everytime you talk then punishes you in angers and threatens you.

53. If you are bratty and sassy then keeps punishing you to take away the brat in you. Most of the time, this type of punishment is done in anger.

54. Does not takes care of you after a scene. Leaves you all alone. Tells you to deal with yourself.

 

Ghosting...

 

55. Ghosts on you suddenly then comes back after sometime then again ghosts on you then again comes back.

56. Everytime he ghosts, uses false excuses to make up with you.

57. Asks for a second chance every time he comes back.

58. When you give him a chance, again ghosts on you. Then again comes back, asking for another chance.

59. Blocks you on every type of contact lists then again unblocks you then again blocks you.

60. Only comes back to ask for sex and sexual nudes then again ghosts on you.

 

In little space.....

 

61. Leaves you Alone when you are in little space.

62. Does not want to deal with you when you are in little space.

63. Throws away stuffie, paci , blanket when you are wanting them.

64. Insults when you are in little space.

65. Punishes you every time you try to be a little.

66. Tells you that you are too big to be a little.

67. Tells you that you are too old to be a little.

68. Does not takes care of you when you are little space.

69. Expresses hate toward little space activities.

70. Always in serious and angry mood with you when you are in little space.

 

This list should give you a good idea about how to stay out of wrong relationships.

 

Safety suggestions

 

1. Make little friends. Have a circle of little friends.

2. Talk with some experienced friendly Daddy Doms. Also talk with some experienced members.

3. Post about your concern in DDLg groups or the other groups you like.

4. Always listen to your gut feelings.

5. You are never too big or too old to be a little.

6. Make friends with other friendly kinkstars.

7. Don't be afraid to reach out for help if needed.

8. Remember. You are strong. You can overcome those fears. He can't treat you like a doormat.

9. I know you are a adult and you are a strong independent woman but you should not hesitate to reach out for help to the community.

10. If you have a active kink community in your area then make friends there. Talk with the experienced people.

 

 

All really great advice, DaddyNinja! This stuff is important to remember for all relationships.

[q.t.pie]