My submissive is into DDLG, what shall I do..

[PaulPaul]

Hi everyone. I am 28yo and I am new to this forum as well as quite new to DDlg.

Since I realized I am strongly into BDSM my relationships were mostly based on Master-submissive rules. To be honest, I've never got into serious relationship with any of those girls. What is worth mentioning it's the fact that I consider myself a sadist. So therefore it just felt right for me not to share any deeper feelings to my submissive, and it doesn't matter if it was sexual relationship or not, because I had both of them. When I met my current submissive we discussed it all at the begining and both agreed on having this kind of relationship. Although after some time her behave made me sometimes confused and I quickly realized that she may need some "special" treatment. To bring up some example..often after some rough treatment she started crying or wasn't willing to talk at all. Of course we had safe word set up but she never used it, she always claimed she enjoyed all we did. Usually when I have a submissive I like to talk about what just happend, ask if it felt good, get into some dirty talk or just simply get sure they are doing well by preparing some meal to later eat it together, talk about life or something. But she just got really emotional and I had no idea what to do. Don't get it wrong, but I didn't used to show a lot of feelings to my submissive as I just like to keep the distance. We both wanted to have a sexual relationship, but as soon as I started getting sexual she would do everything just to show her bratty side. It wasn't too enjoyable for me so we never ended up having sex, because the way she reacts for most of punishments or rough treatments I described above.

The other time she got punished really badly as she had this bratty attitude the whole day. When she came into my house and we started playing she was still really disobedient so I ended up spanking her hard. From what I saw she really enjoyed it but after all she kept talking back, in a really rude, offensive way. I said she should go and wash herself, but she said that I am the one who made her dirty so I should be the one who cleans. I gave her a cold shower and this of course ended up in crying and declining to talk.

It was really annoying, because each time we hang out she would be either disobedient, or crying claiming that everything is ok. I just found this behave really immature and wanted to over it but I decided to talk with her once more as it came to my mind that she may have some problems, doubts or whatever.

After me pushing her for some time she said she just likes her dominant to be loving towards her and she is sorry since she knows I made things clear from the beginning. We cuddled, slept in one bed that night, I got to understand her better but didn't really know what to do. For the next week, so current one we got a bit closer, she kind of introduced me to DDlg. Apparently she was doing really really good as a submissive, what made me happy. I was more loving towards her, I would cuddle her when we were done, she brought her stuffie. As she is my submissive I like her calling me Sir, but she asked if she can call me Daddy. I said yes, if her behave will be good enough. But what I didn't say is that I don't know if I would like it. I liked all we did for the past week but I don't feel so comfortable treating her rough and later cuddling her right after that. I probably would have no problem being a Daddy if she was just my girlfriend. Although then I couldn't enjoy my sadistic side.

I would like to try being a Daddy but I know that if I decide to go for it I won't be able to treat her in such rough way as I would like to do. I have no idea if having her just as my baby girl will be enough for me as I never tried it. Also i don't want to hurt her feelings by failing an attempt to be a Daddy. I don't know if I will be patient and understanding enough to be a Daddy. I have no idea if it wouldn't come to the situation where she wants me to be caring and loving and I will just think of slapping and treating her in the way I would treat my sub.. I got colder towards her again because I am confused and it just feels better for me to keep the distance, but this made her upset again..

I have no idea what should I do. Have any of you had such doubts before getting into this kind of relationship? Or maybe i should just end it and let her find someone who would be more suitable?

I am sorry for any mistakes, I am not a native speaker, also please, don't think I want to hurt her or something, I am just looking for the best solution as I care about her.

[CryBabyUniWolf]

Ugh. If you don't care for her and treat her the way she wants to be treated then leave. Honestly suprised she hasn't left you.

[WhysperKit]

Sit down like the adults you are and talk. Maybe you two aren't a good match, or perhaps you are. Just talk and explain your needs and such and listen to hers.

[Guest Naturalselectionissexy]

I wasn't going to chime in but now it seems like the right thing to do.

 

Let's talk about all the great things you did. You were honest. You were upfront. You obviously care, probably too much!

 

Now the bad things. Not kicking this girl to the curb, she isn't a great fit based on what you said. You are the most important and come first and foremost. If this person is going to change your process or mentality then she needs to go. Plain and simple.

[Little_Ghoul]

I'm a little and a masochist, we exist but it honestly doesn't sound like she is one.

I think you did the right thing by being upfront and honest from the beginning but as some of the people have already stated I don't think you two are the best fit.

I hope you guys can talk this through and come to an agreement that works best for both of you.  

[Misha]

If you are curious about being a Daddy and want to try and out with her, then you could. You never know, maybe you would like it more than you think.

 

If you try that and it doesn't work out, definitely don't keep her around because with the way things are then neither of you will be happy.

 

Also, I don't agree with ElvenPrincess. I'm surprised you haven't left, cause she is the one who wasn't honest about what she wanted.

[RavenclawPrincess]

It sounds like you've been honest with her, and it's awfully nice of you to give DDlg a try for her sake. LOTS of communication is in order, obviously. It's possible to create a dynamic that will work for both of you, of course, but it takes team work. It sounds like you're willing to try and accommodate her, and I hope she'll give you that same level of care. If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you tried and you'll know for certain that you're not a good match. It sounds like she may need extra guidance from you as far as talking about how things are going, what is and isn't working, etc. is concerned. From what you've said you have a good understanding of respecting limits, but I think she could use extra help learning that skill herself. Even if it doesn't work out in the end I'd say this is a good opportunity for each of you to have new learning experiences, which is always beneficial. If you're up for being patient and the situation isn't hurtful to you or to her then go for it! There's no harm in trying as long as everyone is on the same page. I'm of the firm belief that it's 100% possible for a dynamic to satisfy everyone involved despite difference in wants and needs, it's just a matter of working together to make it happen. 

 

Also, you'd be surprised how many masochistic littles there are. While softer than standard BDSM practices, DDlg still falls under that category, but I don't think the overlap between the two gets mentioned particularly often. I think discussing punishments/funishments to fulfill your needs in terms of sadism is definitely worth discussing with your sub and not at all something that would be unusual. If time needs to be divided between DDlg-based sessions for her and traditional BDSM sessions for you because as a couple meshing the two doesn't work out, that's still doable in my opinion. The only issue I can think of based on the information you've given is it's possible for her to fall into the trap that a lot of littles fall into, which is essentially a mindset that daddy is responsible for the relationship and "gimmeee gimmeeee gimmeeeee" attitudes without reciprocating, which won't do either of you any good. I could see that being a possibility but of course, that isn't guaranteed to happen and something that can be nipped in the bud right away if you're watching for that. 

 

Here's to hoping that you and your sub work out a happy compromise and things go well for everyone involved

 

 

[James.]

 I don't feel so comfortable treating her rough and later cuddling her right after that. 

I don't think there are enough details for any of us to know what you should do, but this stuck out to me. It seems to me that you can only be sadistic with women whom you feel no attachment to. I could play the armchair psychologist to try come up with reasons why, but I doubt it would be accurate. If you think I'm right about this, maybe do some thinking on why this is the case. Perhaps sadism, at least at this point in time, comes from an unhealthy place, and this scenario has revealed that. Or perhaps I'm wrong about everything I've said so far. Regardless, I think you should think deeply about all of this. You're really the only one who knows what's going on inside your head. Take what you can from the responses here, but remember that no one here can really give complete advice, because the information we have will always be incomplete. You seem to be a thoughtful person, so I'm sure you'll make the decision that is best for you and for her.

[Guest DaddyNinja]

You can try the following internal Synthesis meditation that I teach to my friends who have issues with being gentle and firm both together.

 

They face a condition, where if they are used to being gentle, they can't seem to behave in a firm manner; and if they are strict, then they cant seem to become gentle at all.

 

A balance of both of them is the best.

 

The internal synthesis is a internal zen meditation for cultivating balance :

 

The internal Synthesis meditation :

 

1. Sit down in meditation and visualize that there is a fire energy in your right side and blue energy in your life side.

 

2. Now breath slowly and bring your awareness in your heart. Hold your attention there for one minute.

 

3. Now feel that the blue energy and fire energy are merging as one.

 

4. As they merge together, visualize that you are floating in the universe and a galaxy is circling at the middle of your body.

 

5. Visualize that the blue energy and fire energy are merging together and creating the galaxy.

 

6. Now, feel that one united energy flowing in every inch of your mind and body.

 

7. You will experience a type of awareneas that will spread in your mind and body.

 

Now open your eyes, and touch your heart. Now ask your mind "Can I be rough, gentle, strict, firm all of them togther anytime I wish and maintain balance?" Just asking is enough.

 

8. Practice the mediation daily. Many of my friends were able to find the balance in them after seven and more days of practice. See if it works for you or not.

 

 

There is a internal zen philosophy behind it. It is a form of Zazen meditation. Good for relaxation also.

Edited February 11, 2019 by DaddyNinja

[little1grl]

You can try the following internal Synthesis meditation that I teach to my friends who have issues with being gentle and firm both together.

 

They face a condition, where if they are used to being gentle, they can't seem to behave in a firm manner; and if they are strict, then they cant seem to become gentle at all.

 

A balance of both of them is the best.

 

The internal synthesis is a internal zen meditation for cultivating balance :

 

The internal Synthesis meditation :

 

1. Sit down in meditation and visualize that there is a fire energy in your right side and blue energy in your life side.

 

2. Now breath slowly and bring your awareness in your heart. Hold your attention there for one minute.

 

3. Now feel that the blue energy and fire energy are merging as one.

 

4. As they merge together, visualize that you are floating in the universe and a galaxy is circling at the middle of your body.

 

5. Visualize that the blue energy and fire energy are merging together and creating the galaxy.

 

6. Now, feel that one united energy flowing in every inch of your mind and body.

 

7. You will experience a type of awareneas that will spread in your mind and body.

 

Now open your eyes, and touch your heart. Now ask your mind "Can I be rough, gentle, strict, firm all of them togther anytime I wish and maintain balance?" Just asking is enough.

 

8. Practice the mediation daily. Many of my friends were able to find the balance in them after seven and more days of practice. See if it works for you or not.

 

 

There is a internal zen philosophy behind it. It is a form of Zazen meditation. Good for relaxation also.

 

 

No offense, but that would not be a form of Zen meditation (also called zazen). I practice with one of the oldest sanghas in the U.S., (a sangha is a Buddhist community) and have been a Zen Buddhist for over ten years. I have also visited a number of other Zen Buddhist centers as well as Zen Buddhist meditation groups, and have met a number of Zen Buddhist teachers. I've read countless books about Zen and also read general Buddhist magazines that have articles about Zen Buddhism and meditation.

 

The type of meditation you describe is not used in Zen meditation. Visualization is used in other kinds of meditation outside of Zen, but not Zen. Zen meditation has three types of practices: breath practice (focusing on the breath), koan practice, and shikantaza. There is also mindfulness meditation, which is used when you go about your daily life rather than when you are on a cushion.

 

Zen meditation is about letting go of thoughts in the mind (which may I add, many people get confused about when they try to shut thoughts out or repress them. Thats not zen meditation either. The key is, having the thoughts, then letting them go). The point of focus differs in breath, koan, or shikantaza. Koan practice focuses on a paradoxical question as the point of focus. Shikantaza has no point of focus and is just bare awareness, and is therefore the most difficult of the three, and a practice that people do after many years of either breath practice or koan practice. There are some other variations as well, such as instead of focusing on the breath you focus on the body. But they are basically variations of the above three (or four if you count mindfulness). In mindfulness, you are aware of everything coming into your senses in the present moment: sight, sound, touch, feel, etc. and just awareness of them without clinging to thoughts about them. Just letting those thoughts and judgements go.

 

Thus, visualizations are not used in Zen meditation. I've seen it done a lot in Tibetan Buddhist meditation, however. Though my knowledge of Tibetan Buddhism is more limited in comparison to Zen, I know they have a variety of practices where visualizations are used. I'm not sure if Tibetan Buddhists have that type of practice either, since I know they usually visualize one of the many Buddhas, but they have a lot more variety in their types of meditation so if I were to guess I would say it came from them.

 

But either way, what you describe would not be Zen meditation (or zazen).

Edited March 8, 2019 by little1grl

[vbee]

I honestly think from what you said. Ignoring the fact that you shouldn’t try to mix your sadism with love because of how you know yourself to be. That your sub is not mentally stable enough to be a sub right now. Something else is going on in her mind either consciously or subconsciously and it doesn’t sound like she can communicate enough with you. That’s not safe sane and consensual.