Am I overreacting with daddy?

[Nicholez2000]

So I have suffered from mental illnesses my entire life, and daddy knows it. Last night was a rough night but instead of staying with me, he wanted to go to bed because he was tired and couldn't figure out how to help. This made me feel like he didn't really care or that he gave up trying to help me and i got really mad. Am i just overreacting? If im not, how do i deal with it?

[starrykitty]

Hey, hope you’re okay Nicholez! I think it’s hard for people who don’t experience mental illness to really understand how much you need them to just simply be present when you’re having a hard time without them actually actively helping you. Usually, there’s not much others can do to help in these situations but they can just be there for company so the situation doesn’t worsen. I don’t think you’re overreacting because I know him going to sleep while you’re suffering immensely can really hurt, but most likely he just doesn’t realise how bad you were feeling at the time so doesn’t realise the impact he has on you when leaving you. Maybe you should talk to him about how you want him to support you during these times. Explain how you’d rather not be alone an maybe you guys could Just stay on call with each other while watching a movie or something or until you both fall asleep because that way you won’t feel abandoned or feel like he doesn’t care. Or just ask him for whatever you need, try and be honest otherwise nothing will ever change. You deserve all the love you feel you need to be happy. Much love it will be okay

[Hiraeth.Heart]

You aren't overreacting at all. You need to let him know how these things affect you. As StarryKitty said, he probably just doesn't realize how bad things are. Its going to be hard to tell him, and scary... but it will be SO worth it. I've been in your shoes, my Daddy and I are still navigating how to work around my mental illness. It'll be ok, but it will take some time and effort on both ends. Hope you are feeling better!

[Guest Aetherr]

i mean i should start with, did you aski him to stay or just assume he knew?

[Nicholez2000]

Thank you so much for your guy's support! I did talk to him about it today. I just asked him to stay with me until i am okay enough to go to sleep, but he was confused as to how that would help. He said that whenever he tries to help, it seems like i am fighting him and so he gets frustrated... How can i be better? I usually tell him vaguely what's on my mind.

 

I did ask him to stay, but i was already upset so i wasn't the nicest about it... I know i need work in this situation as well... I've been trying to get better

[SamL]

My father is one of the least selfish people I have ever met.  As a result, it really dumbfounded me that his life-long mantra was, "You have to take care of number one first."  When I became an adult and started a family of my own, he shared the rest of it.  "You have to take care of number one first.  If you don't, you won't be around to take care of those you love."  That sounded more like the guy I knew.

 

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder, an Anxiety disorder, both combat and complex PTSD, Asperger's and Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I get mental illness.  I manage my mental health very well with a combination of diet, sleep and meditation.  If I don't take the time to eat right, get sufficient sleep, and maintain my meditation practice - I am no good to myself or anyone else.  Taking care of my needs allows me to be there for yours...within sane limits.  You know...this isn't coming out right without an example...

 

My now ex-wife did twenty-four years in prison.  I waited.  My work was in California, she was in Portland, Oregon.  When I got out of work on Friday evening near midnight, I would get in my car and drive 700-900 miles one-way to get to visiting at 1:30pm.  Visiting ended at 4:00pm and then another would begin at 6pm - 9pm.  It was only then that I'd go to a hotel and sleep.  Then I'd get up Sunday and go to visiting from 1:30pm - 4:00pm and again from 6:00 - 9:00pm before beginning the long drive back that ended in the parking lot at work (having taken a shower at a truck stop nearby) on Monday.  So for twenty-four years I didn't sleep on Friday or Sunday nights.  When she came home, I only lasted six years before she wore me out with the drama and crisis making.  She needed me all the time - but she created the conditions in which she would.  At some point you have to take care of your self.  

 

I don't know that this is where he is at, but if he cares about you and went to bed anyway, then I'm assuming it was time to take care of himself.

[Nicholez2000]

I understand that he has his needs too. And j can respect that, with the clause that he makes sure i will be okay as well. Simply making sure i have someone else to talk to or to be with me would have been enough. Am i asking too much of him?

[baby_k]

Thank you so much for your guy's support! I did talk to him about it today. I just asked him to stay with me until i am okay enough to go to sleep, but he was confused as to how that would help. He said that whenever he tries to help, it seems like i am fighting him and so he gets frustrated... How can i be better? I usually tell him vaguely what's on my mind.

 

I did ask him to stay, but i was already upset so i wasn't the nicest about it... I know i need work in this situation as well... I've been trying to get better

 

That bothers me personally, even I get the need to understand things ( I have huge need for it myself ). Every humanbeing is different and sometimes you just need to accept your partner, their needs and likes as they are. People are not always meant to be understood but loved. Or that is the order I think it should go: love them without conditions and then bonus points if you can understand them. As understanding makes many things a lot easier, and helps us see things from their point of view.

 

I have noticed that some dudes get really stiff with things they don't get, and they are not willing to give those things no matter how you try to explain that to you thing x is big deal and you really need it from them. It is sort of sad as in same time they sort of are saying that what you tell them has no meaning and your ideas are not important or valid. Hopefully in your case it still was just real confusion on how things should work and not him rejecting any thoughts that are not his.

 

But in this case he says you fight him? I recomend talking with him and understanding why he sees it as fight. Often when people feel that their ideas and emotions get understood, they are more open trying to understand your point of view. So, have calm convo with him about this, try to get to common understanding that neither one of you wants extra drama or that other person feels bad. And then how to reach it. You probably need to be really literal with what you say, and do not sugar coat at all on how your actions may seem: you need to be clear on how you need him to act and how you may react even he would be doing everything "right". Also explain why

It is often really difficult for people to see things long term ( like that doing x helps you which would be positive outcome ) when they see the short term reaction ( like you "fighting" him which can be seen as negative outcome ). It is all very human and how we are wired: we react easier to immediate threath.

 

I understand that he has his needs too. And j can respect that, with the clause that he makes sure i will be okay as well. Simply making sure i have someone else to talk to or to be with me would have been enough. Am i asking too much of him?

 

I think it depends. If he is normal healthy adult, staying up with you bit later sometimes should not be that bad. If then again this is something happening "all" the time, you need to think what to do to it. As stated with others: when person does not sleep, they get cranky, snappy, make worse decisions and so on. Which will lead them not being able to be there for the ones they love. But loosing hour two of your night sleep the one time your partner is under major emotional stress should not matter unless he has some medical issues or he is facing tough situations himself where he really needs to do some selfcare. <-- and that all is about compromise: if you know he has some important thing tomorrow where he needs to be sharp and rested, try to let him sleep. Where as if he has nothing, he should try to help you get at least some sleep by being there for you and calming you. In ideal rel none of that should be a fight or struggle over who gets what as both should want to make the other person feel good. Unfortunately reality isn't often like that, so we need to disguss with our partners on what is important, how we as couple want to handle certain situations and so on.

 

Bottom line: no, I don't think you are overreacting as we all wish that our partner would be there for us. We seek partnership because we seek support, connection and all that. It is not wrong. And I would find it cold and too bussiness like if you need to give up on basic human needs of having the one you love there for you when it is difficult because he has other needs. But you need to figure out how you deal with these situations so that both of you can be happy and healthy and feel loved. So, he needs to be heard but you also shouldn't toss your desires under carpet because it will eventually make you resent him. Just like he can start resenting you if his needs are not heard.

[Nicholez2000]

Thank you for supporting both of us through this. I am still confused though because yesterday he claimed he was sick because he didn't get enough sleep this week, but last night when i said I was going to bed at 11 and asked if he was as well, he said that he was going to stay up til 1 playing videogames, which he had done all day as well... So... I'm not sure if i am just overthinking things or not but that seems weird that he would stay up really late because he wanted to play videogames regardless of how he felt physically, but two nights ago he refused to stay up with me or at least make sure i was going to have help with someone else.

 

This is not a normal thing. I have recently moved out of a house with toxic people in it, and am still working through the transition. I moved about a month ago, but sometimes it still gets to me. I normally take care of my emotions myself, and he tries to put me into little space when i get super upset. But i rarely ask him to stay up with me. He goes to bed sunday through thursday at 10 pm, and i go to bed an hour later. He has to for his work. Weekends, being friday and saturday nights, are the only times he ever stays up. He did not have work the next day, and had gone to a concert the night of the incident. So i didn't think that it'd be absurd to ask him for help that night. Twenty minutes more would've helped enough, i wasn't going to ask for hours of talking with me. Just enough time to talk about my day and his day and casual distracting conversation til i felt good enough to sleep. Was I being selfish?

[baby_k]

Ask yourself why you think you need our opinion whether you were being selfish or not?

 

I think you already know how it is and what your own opinion is over the case. You have read the replies of other people, what they suggest that could be going on there also. So, you have some other views to the specific situation. But they are just speculating where as you have a lot more information over what is going on there. And also ask yourself if it is just this specific case that bothers you or is there something else too?