Help/ is this normal or not good ?

[Hearteyes]

So I’m married and my husband/ daddy is my first real ddlg relationship.

Sorry if this post is not well typed I’m rushing to get this done before work

So we’ve been married for almost a year now. And we’ve had our ups and downs. Some miscommunications that I felt was pushing my boundaries unfairly but we talked it all out

But yesterday something happened that I can’t shake the feeling of

So I struggle with bad depression and have self harmed in the past. Me and daddy got in a bad argument and I locked myself in the bathroom crying

I don’t remember exactly what was said but he basically said let me in or else. Because he was worried I was gonna hurt myself. When I let him in he saw I hadn’t done anything. But I said something to the effect of ‘why do you care anyways I’m gonna do it if I want to ‘ and he slapped me right across the face

I know I was being a brat and out of line. But I just. Don’t know how to feel. He’s never hit me like that before. I’m sure I’m just being over sensitive but it felt. Different.

We don’t play a lot anymore because he is very busy and stressed at work so it just felt bad that he hasn’t hit me in a fun way in a long time and now he only hits me out of anger. I don’t know.

Please give me advice on what to do to make this better with him. I’ve felt sick in my stomach all day

[Guest littlebunn]

well, first I just want to say I’m sorry this happened. depression is difficult and sometimes we don’t handle things the best way, and it’s important to reach out if you feel you’re heading down a dangerous path. your mental health is important, please remember that.

I also understand relationships are tricky at times and communication is difficult, especially in the heat of the moment. I think your daddy does care for you greatly, and you must understand how scary it can be at times to have a partner with a history of self harm. he does care, however in that moment, this was poorly executed. under no circumstances is it okay for a partner to hit you unless it’s a.) consensual, or b.) self defense - which this very much wasn’t.

I think it’s important you two take time to sit and have a serious adult conversation, because he is your daddy but first and foremost he’s your husband. think about why you got married, why you made a serious decision to be with each other for a long time. I won’t pretend to know your relationship, but from an outsider’s perspective it seems like there’s a wall of sorts between you two, making communicating difficult. this leads to bottled feelings and complicated and messy actions.

arguments happen to every couple, we say and do things we don’t always intend to. I would address with him that you aren’t okay with him hitting you outside of consensual scenes. and if it happens again, you need to ask yourself if this is an environment you want to stay in. ask yourself if it’s worth fighting for to make things better, and if you’re happy being with him. couples counseling comes in handy, look into this if you feel it’d be a good thing; if pricing is an issue, sliding scale therapists are out there as well.

at the end of the day it’s your safety and health that matters most - be selfish in this regard. good luck, and my inbox is open if you need anything.

Edited January 25, 2019 by littlebunn

[Guest You're adorable]

Well,

 

What happened was a textbook domestic violence, even if it was out of passion. And it's WAY more common than people think it is, but it's not something people talk about a lot. Hitting someone like that is a serious issue, I would say.

 

We all have our shortcomings, and even if that slap was out of frustration over the fact that he would be powerless if you really decided to harm yourself and wouldn't be able to stop you, that reaction was inappropriate.

 

I think this is up to you. If he didn't apologize already or at least approached you about it, that's not good. If he did, you should seriously set a boundary that this kind of behavior is out of the question and be perfectly clear about it. Violence can't be tolerated in a relationship.

 

I may sound a little harsh, but this is a pretty clear case. I wouldn't hit my partner like that, and I have quite a short fuse myself.

[Hearteyes]

I think it’s important you two take time to sit and have a serious adult conversation, because he is your daddy but first and foremost he’s your husband. think about why you got married, why you made a serious decision to be with each other for a long time. I won’t pretend to know your relationship, but from an outsider’s perspective it seems like there’s a wall of sorts between you two, making communicating difficult.

Thank you so much for your reply. Yeah as a little sometimes I get scared to step out of that and have a real conversation where I’m being serious because it feels like stepping out of my place. But I’m sure that will help thank you so much for your reply I feel much better and I’m gonna talk to him when he gets off work

[Hearteyes]

Violence can't be tolerated in a relationship.

 

I may sound a little harsh, but this is a pretty clear case. I wouldn't hit my partner like that, and I have quite a short fuse myself.

Thank you for your reply. No I don’t think you’re being too harsh I appreciate someone helping me feel the gravity of the situation. I felt foolish at first like maybe I was overreacting

Thanks for the support

Just out of curiosity since you say you have a short fuse... is there anything from your perspective that maybe a little could do to be less angering to someone with an. Short fuse ?

[Guest littlebunn]

Thank you so much for your reply. Yeah as a little sometimes I get scared to step out of that and have a real conversation where I’m being serious because it feels like stepping out of my place. But I’m sure that will help thank you so much for your reply I feel much better and I’m gonna talk to him when he gets off work

of course, I'm happy I could help shed some light on things. another piece of advice - try to keep calm and get your feelings across in a clear manner. it's important you two let each other say what you need to and get your points across, listen until finished, and not let it escalate into a shouting match. if you feel things are getting heated, ask to take a step back; your intentions are to get to the bottom of things, not make them worse.

 

and another thing, I understand it's hard to have serious conversations at times, especially if you use little space to cope and avoid that. but it's very important that as adults we do take a pause to reflect and see where we stand with things. you're absolutely entitled to speaking up and sharing your feelings, and you deserve the respect and opportunity to do so. if you take this seriously, your husband should as well.

 

good luck

Edited January 25, 2019 by littlebunn

[Puddin'skitten]

You lost me at he slapped you and you're wondering if this is bad or not. Please forgive me for not being more delicate with my words and your feelings. I suck at that part. Sweetie, that's straight up domestic violence. Passion or not, possibly being "a brat" or not. He hit you. And not a daddy I didn't follow the rules hit. Please for the love of all things your own safety don't allow that.

[Hearteyes]

You lost me at he slapped you and you're wondering if this is bad or not. Please forgive me for not being more delicate with my words and your feelings. I suck at that part. Sweetie, that's straight up domestic violence. Passion or not, possibly being "a brat" or not. He hit you. And not a daddy I didn't follow the rules hit. Please for the love of all things your own safety don't allow that.

It’s okay I’m sure I’m being dumb. I just felt like I don’t know if that was normal ‘punishment ‘ or keeping me In line but clearly it’s not.

Thank you for your reply I know my question was stupid I just get confused about stuff

[hisangel]

When you and him started with DDlg did you two go over punishments or discipline that is okay with you? If not then that would be the first order of business that should be taken care of. It is okay to have hard limits on what you are okay with him doing to you for punishments. That being said if you two don't have an acceptable list then I'd still say no not okay for him to hit you out of anger. One of the #1 rules with any type of power exchange relationship is that the caregiver is not to punish when he/she is angry or upset and they could seriously hurt you.

[Hearteyes]

When you and him started with DDlg did you two go over punishments or discipline that is okay with you? If not then that would be the first order of business that should be taken care of. It is okay to have hard limits on what you are okay with him doing to you for punishments. That being said if you two don't have an acceptable list then I'd still say no not okay for him to hit you out of anger. One of the #1 rules with any type of power exchange relationship is that the caregiver is not to punish when he/she is angry or upset and they could seriously hurt you.

I guess we used to have like set rules and stuff and we fell away from it. Yeah this is good advice thank you I need to sit down with him and make a set list together of what is okay

[hisangel]

Me and my Daddy had an issue before where he was letting me break rules without punishment and then out of nowhere he decides if I break that rule I'm in trouble now. I ended up halting everything for the rest of that day and I told him nothing was happening unless he talked to me first. I explained how unfair it was for him to let me get away with breaking rules constantly for so long and then out nowhere those same things are an issue now. We'd had the same rules almost the entire time we'd been involved with DDlg. He agreed and he let it go that time and since then it's gotten 100 times better.

[Puddin'skitten]

It’s okay I’m sure I’m being dumb. I just felt like I don’t know if that was normal ‘punishment ‘ or keeping me In line but clearly it’s not.

Thank you for your reply I know my question was stupid I just get confused about stuff

You are absolutely not dumb! I have been mentally and physically abused most of my life. This is screaming at me. You are NOT dumb. You're question wasn't even almost stupid.

[Guest You're adorable]

Thank you for your reply. No I don’t think you’re being too harsh I appreciate someone helping me feel the gravity of the situation. I felt foolish at first like maybe I was overreacting

Thanks for the support

Just out of curiosity since you say you have a short fuse... is there anything from your perspective that maybe a little could do to be less angering to someone with an. Short fuse ?

 

It's really no problem. I am glad that i helped you. 

 

And yes you are absolutely right in realizing what is going on. Domestic violence should never be tolerated as I said. Sadly, lot's of women endure this.

 

And for your question, I don't think DDlg has anything to do with this. You had an argument like  an adults and as a couple. Most people take DDlg as some kind of core part of everything and sometimes think that it's the fault of DDlg for the problems in their relationship. Don't get me wrong, there might be problems but I have yet to see a serious issue arising from it. 

 

You said that you have mental problems, so your partner should be fully aware of your mental state and should already know how to handle these situations. And I am pretty damn sure that domestic violence is not one of the ways. You have a lot on your hands just by having to cope with your problems and issues and definitely shouldn't feel guilty because sometimes your issues are acting up. Your partnes should be understanding and patient, because those 2 things are needed for people with any kind of mental issues. 

 

If your issues are making you behave irresponsibly and immaturely, your partner should be the polar opposite in this situation. Calm, mature and responsible. 

 

Also, i come from an old fashioned family where hitting a woman is worse than a murder, so I may be a little bit biased, but violence is never the answer, let alone a solution.

Edited January 25, 2019 by You're adorable

[Hearteyes]

Me and my Daddy had an issue before where he was letting me break rules without punishment and then out of nowhere he decides if I break that rule I'm in trouble now. I ended up halting everything for the rest of that day and I told him nothing was happening unless he talked to me first. I explained how unfair it was for him to let me get away with breaking rules constantly for so long and then out nowhere those same things are an issue now. We'd had the same rules almost the entire time we'd been involved with DDlg. He agreed and he let it go that time and since then it's gotten 100 times better.

Yes this is like almost exactly the problem. 99% of the time I kinda get away with everything and then sowntomes oit of nowhere he really cracks down. I gotta level this out with him thanks for sharing your story lol

[Lola Step]

*Disclaimer- As stated by others any kind of abuse in a relationship unless consensual or in self defence is 100% not ok and the following does not defend his actions in anyway* *POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS* I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm so sorry for what he did, the previous posters have already given wonderful advice so I decided to pick up the question you asked about advice from his point of view- Something important to remember is that this was a VERY VERY high stress situation as I'm sure you're aware of, also you two probably have very different interpretations of your self harm. For you it may just be an act you do for reasons only known to yourself without any actual intent (at least I hope not) of ending your life. However for him I'm sure he sees every time this happens as the "last time" the time that will be final. This is NOT to make you feel bad AT ALL, simply just to maybe give you an in sight into what he may be feeling. Me personally, if my Daddy was on the other side of a door and I was under the impression he was trying to kill himself, whether he was intending to or not, I would be doing everything in my power to "snap him out of it" even if I knew that wasn't possible. Hopefully this has helped, and I really really hope you guys manage to communicate through this, and no matter what happens I hope you are safe and happy.

[SamL]

I have NEVER hit a woman in anger before.  I've certainly been given reasons to that would have stood up in a court of law, but I've always found a way to avoid doing so.  That said, I've got a lot of tools in my toolbox and that affords me options that not everyone possesses - or ever will.  So with that said, I do want to comment on something no one has said: 

 

...under no circumstances is it okay for a partner to hit you unless it’s a.) consensual, or b.) self defense - which this very much wasn’t.
 

Playing Devil's Advocate here... Inducing fear in your partner that you will hurt yourself, particularly because of something that they have done or not done and ESPECIALLY comments like, "Why do you care, I'm going to do it if I want?" is, according to the good folks at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, also domestic violence.  I'm not necessarily saying I would agree with someone who did so, but I think you could make an argument that she started the escalation of domestic violence (they were already yelling at each other).  I realize this is not a legal case and we're not lawyers but, I find myself wondering if one could make a reasonable claim that this was self-defense.  Personally, I've dealt with the constant never ending stress of my wife threatening to kill herself.  There was also, btw, more traditional forms of domestic violence in our household of which I was the recipient of.  Guess which one was harder to bear?  A few months after I left her, my counselor asked me for a gratitude list.  Number one on the list was that my now ex-wife hadn't killed herself at me yet.

 

Sweetie, that's straight up domestic violence.

 

Domestic violence should never be tolerated as I said. Sadly, lot's of women endure this.

 

So do lots of men.  In fact, there is very near parity in numbers of victims.  I feel confident standing up any man, but I have no defense against a woman who hits.  

 

 

 

What happened was a textbook domestic violence, 

Violence can't be tolerated in a relationship.

 

Again, no argument here - but there's more than one victim and more than one perp (imo) in this case.

 

Lastly, let me just say, that honestly, I don't think either of you don't care.  I wholeheartedly agree with littlebunn that his concern for you was poorly executed - as was your communicating your distress was.  But I think there is something to work with here...and that's the first time I've ever said that after hearing about one side of a relationship being slapped by the other. 

[Guest littlebunn]

 

...under no circumstances is it okay for a partner to hit you unless it’s a.) consensual, or b.) self defense - which this very much wasn’t.

 

 

Playing Devil's Advocate here... Inducing fear in your partner that you will hurt yourself, particularly because of something that they have done or not done and ESPECIALLY comments like, "Why do you care, I'm going to do it if I want?" is, according to the good folks at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, also domestic violence.  I'm not necessarily saying I would agree with someone who did so, but I think you could make an argument that she started the escalation of domestic violence (they were already yelling at each other).  I realize this is not a legal case and we're not lawyers but, I find myself wondering if one could make a reasonable claim that this was self-defense.  Personally, I've dealt with the constant never ending stress of my wife threatening to kill herself.  There was also, btw, more traditional forms of domestic violence in our household of which I was the recipient of.  Guess which one was harder to bear?  A few months after I left her, my counselor asked me for a gratitude list.  Number one on the list was that my now ex-wife hadn't killed herself at me yet.

 

I do agree with this actually, but the reason I didn't address it in details is because I felt it wasn't my place to do so; I feel I should address this now though.

 

*trigger warnings ahead* I have been in an abusive relationship in the past, and for many years it was a back and forth of miscommunication that escalated into very toxic fights and lots of gaslighting in the process. if I chose to be open about my feelings, I was made out to be crazy, irrational and a self entitled b*tch. this resulted in many bottled up emotions that over time made me someone I wasn't proud of being, because I wasn't dealing with life in a healthy way. I started therapy for this, and it's amazing how much progress you can make in just under a year.

 

all of that being said, I do want to acknowledge that it is understandable why he reacted in anger to her locking herself in a room. it is absolutely terrifying to have a partner, who struggles with mental illness of any sort, shut you out and then play the "you don't really care" card. I have been guilty of this - I no longer do this thankfully because it's something I acknowledged and made an effort to change. but in that moment, his thought process may very well have been "she's going to die and there's nothing I can do." did he handle it the right way? no, absolutely not. no one handled this situation well at all, and that's why they need to sit down and have a serious adult talk about where they both stand with their relationship.

 

if you are in a committed relationship with someone, marriage or otherwise, it's important for both parties to understand you're committed to each other. you're committed to their health on top of yours, mental and physical. you owe each other the respect of being open and discussing things in a mature and 100% honest manner, and this goes for any dynamic D/s or not. relationships are built on trust, so if you have no foundation things will essentially fall apart over time and then it is up to you to decide how to repair it or move along.

 

anyway, thank you for your input Angel! this was good to reflect on and almost felt therapeutic in a way to discuss

[Guest]

Everyone gave good advice. I want to add once you have the major talk about him hitting you you need to go back to discuss the other matter. The one he said he would do anyway. Do it at a different time, but don't wait too long. You need to establish once again you are not okay with whatever boundary he crossed and that you are not willing to allow him to do that. It is going to be a scary topic to rehash, but needed since he blatantly stated he would disregard your wishes.

 

Trigger warning:

During sex my ex used to like to pull me in a certain way that would always cause me to split (get a cut) internally (this is as painful as it sounds). I kept replacing his hands or saying no. Tried having a convo about it why I didn't want him doing what he did. It got to the point that I refused to participate in any play that lead up to that point and if he tried I would stop everything. This also happened outside of sex. Point being you may have to approach your ex on several different occasions and restate that you don't like or want what they are doing. With the exception of someone hitting, twice should be the limit the one time it happens then a reminder after that.

[Hearteyes]

 

 

Lastly, let me just say, that honestly, I don't think either of you don't care. I wholeheartedly agree with littlebunn that his concern for you was poorly executed - as was your communicating your distress was. But I think there is something to work with here...and that's the first time I've ever said that after hearing about one side of a relationship being slapped by the other.

Thank you for sharing your point this really helped me

I definitely wasn’t thinking he was being like abusing to me or whatever like I know the slap was well deserved I. The situation. We talked it out and it’s all good now but I never thought the point that I was being abusive by harming myself in a way that made him feel guilty. Thanks for pointing that out I see that’s something I need to apologize and remedy with him

Sorry if I didn’t quote the right part of the post it’s confuaing on mobile

[Hearteyes]

 

I do agree with this actually, but the reason I didn't address it in details is because I felt it wasn't my place to do so; I feel I should address this now though.

 

 

Ahhh i feel so bad now like my original post made it seem like I was trying to play the victim or soemthing! I totally se that I was being toxic and if youu have anything else to share thank you I appreciate the perspective help.

[Hearteyes]

This also happened outside of sex. Point being you may have to approach your ex on several different occasions and restate that you don't like or want what they are doing. With the exception of someone hitting, twice should be the limit the one time it happens then a reminder after that.

I’m so sorry you went through all that ! Thank you for sharing this helps me a lot to figure things out

[SamL]

Thank you for sharing your point this really helped me

I definitely wasn’t thinking he was being like abusing to me or whatever like I know the slap was well deserved I. The situation. We talked it out and it’s all good now but I never thought the point that I was being abusive by harming myself in a way that made him feel guilty. Thanks for pointing that out I see that’s something I need to apologize and remedy with him

Sorry if I didn’t quote the right part of the post it’s confuaing on mobile

 

Well, I wouldn't go with 'well-deserved' but maybe an understandably bad decision under frightening circumstances.    Anywho, I am OVERJOYED that you can see what this may be doing to him now and went from tentative about posting to really happy I did.  Best of luck!

[Hearteyes]

Me personally, if my Daddy was on the other side of a door and I was under the impression he was trying to kill himself, whether he was intending to or not, I would be doing everything in my power to "snap him out of it" even if I knew that wasn't possible. Hopefully this has helped, and I really really hope you guys manage to communicate through this, and no matter what happens I hope you are safe and happy.

This helped me SO MUCH to see it from this point of view. Thank you for commenting !!!

We talked things out but I now see I owe him more of an apology

Thank you this was v helpful

[Hearteyes]

Well, I wouldn't go with 'well-deserved' but maybe an understandably bad decision under frightening circumstances. Anywho, I am OVERJOYED that you can see what this may be doing to him now and went from tentative about posting to really happy I did. Best of luck!

Yeah thank you like I really appreciate it I need to figure out a good way to apologize to him and remedy things

I appreciate the help