Fake Daddies/Owners

[Guest Battle Bunny Heaven]

I have been victim to a lot of fake daddies, some lasting a few months before showing their true colors. How do you guys find real daddies/owners? I just want someone to take care of my and who will be there for me but all I ever get is fakes who wanna use me for sex. It makes me feel invalid as a little/bunny/kitten 

 

[Guest QueenJellybean]

the best advice i can give you is to move slowly.

i know you said a few months, but i'd say even longer. 

trust your gut instincts + be honest about your boundaries upfront. 

if they don't respect those, there's a red flag right there, in my opinion. 

 

 

these threads are related to your topic + could be helpful!
https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/5454-lets-discuss-healthy-caregiving/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/37032-recognizing-red-flags-a-lil-nsfw/?do=findComment&comment=190117

 

also keep in mind that this happens regardless of your identifiers in the community!

not to diminish your experiences, as i'm sure many of us can relate to.

it can be hard to find the honest ones, but take your time, trust your instincts + make sure to move at a pace that is right for you! 

[Guest]

Yeah, I've had that happen too. One of those "do this because I said or you aren't my little anymore" type things. Also the same one saying "you have to do this because I said and you cant say no" and Ive had the same one also tell me "what daddy says goes reguardless of known boundaries. Ha. It doesnt work that way. Bye bye. Some guys do just want the sex and will try to make you be the bad one when they dont get their way it ends. I'm sorry you continue to have bad expierences but with time Im sure the right one will be found. *Hugs*

[Guest Naturalselectionissexy]

Well what exactly do you have to offer? Do you think people just want to provide and provide with nothing in return?

[Guest Lil Peep]

Well what exactly do you have to offer? Do you think people just want to provide and provide with nothing in return?

 

It's unfortunate you misunderstood the basis of the post...this isn't about expecting more for less on her behalf, this is a reoccurring issue in this community. "Men" who call themselves a "daddy dom" whether in the community or not who manipulate the situation and truly misconstrue what it is to be in a DDlg dynamic for their own benefit.   

Edited January 22, 2019 by Lil Peep

[Guest Lil Peep]

On the other hand, babyjellybean hit the dilemma right on the head. Just wait it out but also establish boundaries from the jump...know what you want and need out of the dynamic and address that from the beginning. If your wants/needs aren't respected or a problem that's a red flag and you should leave immediately, besides you shouldn't even bother with that person to begin with. I also think determining those things before you start talking to anyone is key, it just saves you a lot of time and energy. Wishing you the best of luck and keep in mind that faulty daddies should not validate your role as a little, you are your own little and have needs/wants that deserve to be fulfilled with respect xx. 

[SamL]

Okay, I've seen quite a lot of these types of posts and I am not going to stay silent any longer out of fear that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings.  So, I'd recommend putting on your big girl panties if you're going to read beyond this point.  

 

I have been victim to a lot of fake daddies, some lasting a few months before showing their true colors. How do you guys find real daddies/owners? I just want someone to take care of my and who will be there for me but all I ever get is fakes who wanna use me for sex. It makes me feel invalid as a little/bunny/kitten 

 

We dance around the idea of 'fake' daddies as well as 'fake' littles.  We all know they exist, but no one's allowed to define what a 'real' daddy or a 'real' little is.  There's a lot of Goldilocks theory around the subject.  Anyone who takes their 'daddy' or 'little' role more serious than me is over the top, obsessive, or a control freak.  Anyone who takes their 'daddy' or 'little' role less serious than me is a game player or fake.  

 

I don't know that any of your daddies have been fake.  There is no one here that can determine, from the post you made, if he was acting irresponsibly.  Sure, if they just want you for sex, that would qualify in my book - but all we know is that you THINK he was just using you for sex.  You could be wrong and we don't know because we've only heard one, very short on details, post.  

 

We had a visitor yesterday for coffee - a vanilla friend in her mid-thirties.  She came bearing a new stuffie for my little who is also friends with her.  She works at one of the local hospitals here as an Emergency Room physician.  Intelligent and beautiful by any objective measure, she's been single, dating and looking for that special someone for seven years.  She's still single because she doesn't rush and she won't settle - and she's got a hell of a lot larger pool of folks to choose from than we do.  Like jellybean said, slow down.

 

If someone else can make you feel invalid as who you are - then, I'm sorry - and I'm saying this as kindly as I know how, but you need to do some work on you before you are ready for a healthy relationship.  'I need you because I love you' is something that can work out.  'I love you because I need you' never does.

 

And lastly, I'm not pointing at anyone in this thread - I see it everywhere though, especially in the status updates... Be patient, you'll find someone perfect for you!  Maybe.  Maybe not.  There are no guarantees.  Some of us are going to live the rest of our lives without someone...and some of us, are even going to be okay with that.

[Guest Foxielittlerose]

There are in fact men that pose as Daddies who have no experience, high expectations for you and little to give back.  It does happen.  Discerning who is what and what they are seeking is a skill that you gain with experiences.  Fighting the process is like swimming against the tide.  They exist and as a little we are responsible for measuring up the situation and deciding how to proceed.  I have cried a lot of tears, but had a lot of great expeiences too.  I hope you feel supported and not judged on here because you are being real and asking for advice which is a good thing.  HUGS

Edited January 22, 2019 by Foxielittlerose

[Double Side Daddy]

On the other hand, babyjellybean hit the dilemma right on the head. Just wait it out but also establish boundaries from the jump...know what you want and need out of the dynamic and address that from the beginning. If your wants/needs aren't respected or a problem that's a red flag and you should leave immediately, besides you shouldn't even bother with that person to begin with. I also think determining those things before you start talking to anyone is key, it just saves you a lot of time and energy. Wishing you the best of luck and keep in mind that faulty daddies should not validate your role as a little, you are your own little and have needs/wants that deserve to be fulfilled with respect xx. 

Exactly, ik some littles fall for there daddys quick and dont want to say no, i dont want to do "x" but you have to understand that you alwasy have a choice. Like lil Peep said if they cant respect your boundaries then its time to find someone who will. Daddys and Littles alike will respect you for having boundaries. So give it some time and someone will find you

[SamL]

Just to offer another perspective:

 

There are in fact men that pose as Daddies who have no experience, high expectations for you and little to give back.  It does happen.  

 

There are in fact women that pose as littles who have no experience, high expectations for you and little to give back.  It does happen. 

 

I suspect that was what Closer was getting at when he asked, "Well what exactly do you have to offer? Do you think people just want to provide and provide with nothing in return?"  

[LittleCelticLass]

Im a little, and I am over this fake Daddy thing. It's not just daddies that are the problem. It's rushing into a relationship. Daddy an I talked for 3 weeks before we were "together", another month before I called him Daddy. Going on 5 months now, and we have our issues, all real relationships do, but I couldn't be happier.

Slow down and get to know people before jumping into a relationship with them. It will eliminate a lot of "fake" claims.

[Guest Foxielittlerose]

@Sam you ma be right that there are fake littles but I would not know bc I am not a Daddy. The original post is in regards to a little's experience with Daddies being fake. You should maybe start a thread for your topic.

[LittleCelticLass]

I think Sam's post fits in here just fine. He was just offering a different perspective.

[Momma'sBoy]

...Daddys and Littles alike will respect you for having boundaries...

Well said, and I just want to point out (the obvious?) That SOME daddies and littles will NOT respect your boundaries, and that's ok too, they are signaling to you loud and clear that you should get the h*** out of that relationship, now.

 

In fact, setting clear boundaries right at the beginning is a great way to weed out the creeps from the start.

Edited January 23, 2019 by Momma'sBoy

[Guest Naturalselectionissexy]

It's unfortunate you misunderstood the basis of the post...this isn't about expecting more for less on her behalf, this is a reoccurring issue in this community. "Men" who call themselves a "daddy dom" whether in the community or not who manipulate the situation and truly misconstrue what it is to be in a DDlg dynamic for their own benefit.   

 

Its unfortunate you misunderstood my open ended questions that were directed to the mentality that the OP was referencing. 

 

 

"I have been victim to a lot of fake daddies"

 

1. Stop blaming others. ...
2. Be compassionate to yourself. ...
3. Practice gratitude. ...
4. Resist self-sabotage. ...
5. Perform acts of kindness to others. ...
6. Forgive and let go. ...
7. Build self-confidence. ...
8. Find the source of your learned helplessness.
9. Shift your mentality from that of victim to survivor
10. Challenge your perceptions of reality

(sfw https://www.huffingtonpost.com/cylon-george/10-ways-to-stop-feeling-l_b_8193216.html)

 

"I just want someone to take care of my and who will be there for me"

-All I hear is take take take take take take take. 

 

 

"all I ever get is fakes who wanna use me for sex." 

-What are you offering? If all you have is your body then yes sex will be had since that apparently is the only thing you have to offer of any value. If you have an issue with that then maybe you should improve yourself or change the mentality of I am used for sex since it clearly take two to copulate. 

 

 

"It makes me feel invalid as a little/bunny/kitten" 

-You are apparently more than capable of accepting a victim and shaming mentality on not only yourself but others as well. Take a look at yourself first and foremost before blaming others. I can't believe the amount of people these days that accept zero responsibility for themselves and blame absolutely anything and everything on everyone else. 

Edited January 23, 2019 by Closer

[Guest Foxielittlerose]

 I thought this specific Forum "Little Space" is for littles to talk to other littles about little things...safely without going into the deep dark depths of the grown up soul...I didn't know Daddies would be on this forum with judgements and accusations. Sigh, I really had hoped this space would be different.  It's why I joined bc other sites have  so many rude judgmental people and many littles are sensitive by nature. I did not join this forum to be in my adult space, would you speak to your little this way?  It's way too much in my opinion.

 

By creator of this Forum "Hi so I made this thread so whenever us littles feel the need we can talk to each other when we are feeling little or simply just want to talk while in a little headspace... This way we can avoid the grown up talk that goes on in the normal chat."

[SamL]

 This way we can avoid the grown up talk that goes on in the normal chat."

 

I am sorry if my presence on this sub-forum has caused you consternation.  If a little brings a grown up topic to the table, is it your opinion that grown up perspectives should be disallowed?  In other words, talking about being used for sex within a relationship should be left to the three year old personalities among us because sexual issues are best left to child personalities to work out?

 

Is it better to remain silent.so that they can feel safe explaining how they are exploited again and again?  I suspect that you'll think I'm being mean with my questions but they are real questions and I'm sincerely curious.  As an added incentive, if you tell me that you really believe that trying to offer some helpful advice instead of just co-signing and encouraging littles to repeat the same patterns that haven't worked...ever - and only lead to more pain, then I'll refrain from posting in the little space sub-forum again.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

this is a grown up discussion topic, and has been moved to this sub-forum so that everyone who feels they have an opinion on this topic can be heard.

please remember to be respectful of each other's opinions, even if they differ from your own.

all opinions are valid, especially since the topic involves caregivers. 

they are absolutely allowed -- + encouraged -- to add their perspective as well. 

[Guest Battle Bunny Heaven]

I wasnt expecting this much feedback! When I said I said fake daddies I meant people who pretend to be daddy doms but use it to push sexual behavior on to me. Such as "Show me your tits" or "you have to do what I say cause I'm daddy" I've vetted people for a few months before they showed their true colors. And yes, I offer more than my body. I take care of my own bills and am pretty much independent. I also offer emotional support and help with mental well being. The reason I feel invalid is because when you don't do the actions these fake daddies say they tend to call you a fake little or pet and will harass and shame you until you have to block them. 

[APTX]

I believe most of the outcry of fake "Daddies/littles" comes from people who are either inexperienced and haven't done enough research before entering this lifestyle. They have a misconception and anything that doesn't fit their criteria and expectations automatically becomes "fake" to them while in reality it's just mainly because of lack of communication skills while both sides expressing their wants and needs, and lack of compatibility thereof. I've had numerous encounters where people have had overlooked things and only saw and read the things they wanted to see/read while either pretending or ignoring the other parts of me. Selfish much eh?

 

@OP: Anyways there are some good pointers here in this thread, take the advice, do some self-reflecting, or be ignorant, not my problem really. However I do like to point out that even though you say or claim to have vetted people for months, one of your status update regarding "fake daddies" and this latest "outcry" seem to tell an entirely different story that you have more work to do. So yeah, maybe do take the advice that have been brought up in this thread and countless others.

 

@mods: Somehow, I'm still perplexed why threads as such and especially since they contribute nothing new at all as they've been talked about countless times before, haven't been merged yet or the creation of some big ultra mega topic for people to share their opinion, discus, or simply rant in. :/

[Guest QueenJellybean]

@mods: Somehow, I'm still perplexed why threads as such and especially since they contribute nothing new at all as they've been talked about countless times before, haven't been merged yet or the creation of some big ultra mega topic for people to share their opinion, discus, or simply rant in. :/

 

this is a great idea + suggestion!

we definitely have some mega-threads already, but this is a worthy addition to add to that list. 

[DustBunny93]

So I'm not saying that this guy who messaged me was a fake because he's probably not, but I thought I would still share.

 

I once had a "daddy" who saw me in the chat room, liked how giggly and talkative I was that day, and messaged me in my pm saying "you are mine now". UMM NO!!!

 

We were not even talking about a relationship, I only accepted his friend request because he seemed nice, but it looked like he was kinda possessive and extremely quick to assume that I would want to be his because he said that to me. Long story short, I removed him as a friend and now I'm more cautious.

 

 

The point of my story was some guys assume they can have a conversation with you and then try to claim you. And of course he got mad at me when I say I was not his.

 

It's just something else to look out for.

[Littlest-puppy]

When I found my caregiver I wasn't actually looking for one. Look into finding someone you relate to in a non kink aspect, and then introduce kink. You might just be surprised by the kinks you share. My caregiver and I were a perfect match.