What time line works when starting a new LDR online?

[Guest Fancysir]

I'm curious what most people consider a reasonable timeline for dating when you meet someone online.  I understand it is different for everybody and each of my relationships has been unique. The reason I ask is because in the past year I’ve run into some frustrations.

 

Now, I’m a bit old fashioned.  I’m use to meeting a girl and asking her for her phone number. On some occasion maybe even asking her straight out to dinner.  Often a phone number is exchange.  There are one or two good talks, then a date.  I’ve noticed that some relationships that start online have a much longer and slower progression.  In the spring I starting messaging with a girl and we clicked.  Within two days she was sending me photos.  She messages me non-stop.  After 4 or 5 days I asked if I could give her a call.  She said she wanted to take it slow as she had been hurt in the past.  I joking pointed out that she wanted to take things slow, but had already sent me nude pictures without solicitation by me.  Never-the-less I wanted to honor her timeline, I too have been hurt. A week later I asked for her number again and was met with the same result.  A month went by and the same response. I inquired when she thought she would be ready to talk and she said two more weeks.  Well after two months of this I finally asked her to stop messaging me and I broke off the virtual relationship.  Two months for me was unreasonable and I can’t believe I let myself be strung along for that amount of time.

 

On the flip-side I met a Little last year online.  We messaged for 3 or 4 days.  Then started voicing.  About a week later we were video chatting and the next month we were visiting each other in person.  This seemed like a natural and reasonable progression to me.  That was the best online experience I have had.  We lasted about 6 months, however, unfortunately could not make it work long term.

 

It has been my experience in the online community that a lengthy messaging courting period is more of a normal occurrence.  If a person says that they’re just looking for a virtual relationship or an online relationship that is one thing, but to be strung along a Virtual relationship I find unacceptably.  Why would a person not want to talk on the phone if they were indeed looking for a real life relationship?  It leads me to believe she was just looking for a Virtual relationship, but kept dangling the carrot to keep me on her path.

 

I'd like to know what you find acceptable and would appreciate any insights. Thank you for reading.

 

[Guest ~lele~]

I think it's different for everyone. My relationship is online only. Where as, you want more of the old fashioned type, which is ideal imo. I would totally love to have an old fashioned arrangement but it's just not worked out for me. The guys I've met and dated offline have been jerks and so I stick with my online arrangement. I'm not sure if this makes sense but I think there's no norm really.

[Wise man]

I think this differs from person to person. I talked to my little for 2-3 days before we began to FaceTime. Then met her in person like a week or two later. This seems like reasonable time to me but some may seem like it’s to fast. I’ve also talked to another little and never felt comfortable enough to talk to her. So I think it boils down to the comfort level of the person you’re talking to. Three weeks felt right for my little I now but 2 months felt wrong with the little I was talking to previous.

[Guest Aetherr]

based on what you have written i do hope you gave her a decent explanation that not being able to voice and video chat was making it hard for you to continue, it does strike me that you didnt show much patience towards someone who may well have had anxiety (yes it is a thing) about voice and video chatting i saw a topic tackling this issue where a dom was having issues getting his little to video chat with him and he didnt seem very interested in her side of the situation (the other thread as about a little who was an adult performer somewhat comparable situation here), i do hope that is not the case here

 

relationships shouldn't go by a specific set of rules that is just forcing conformity and we all know how conformity works in today's society... yeah

 

but like i said people have their own reasons for doing what they do and being more accepting of other's needs is how it goes these days. if you have some picture of the ideal relationship in your head and stick by it like a set of rules i cannot see you having much success... by all means stand by your morals and don't compromise yourself for another person but understand that other person has morals and lists and do's and dont's also.

Edited December 20, 2018 by Aetherr

[MysticSand]

Hmm. I'm not sure if this is a difference of expectation or of preference. As Aetherr mentioned, some people just get anxiety when it comes to talking on the phone or on camera or whatnot (both in person and online!).

 

In regards to an explanation for the person who sent you nudes before being comfortable enough to talk to you over the phone... I have no idea. People just be weird. >< Or maybe what Aetherr said again. However, I noticed you said phone number. That could be a privacy issue. Did you offer online alternatives like Skype or.... Discord? Or whatever it is kids are using these days. Snap chat? IDK.

 

Personally, I prefer not to talk if possible. It's very a much a part of my introvert personality and it drains me quite a bit to have to do it. However, I am very okay with just being on a Skype call with someone and having music in the background with each party doing their own thing. (Does that defeat the purpose of a call? XD) 

 

If we're talking old fashioned.... I grew up in the era of Dateline NBC with Chris Hansen so my mindset is just that there are creepers everywhere. (Truth.)

If I had to create a timeline, probably a month to do anything other than pure text (maybe voice chat after week 2 if it's that enthralling). Which even then, is rare, mainly because most people can't hold decent conversations for an extended period of time. (Keeping contact for a over a month? Whaaaaa?)

As a general rule, I don't send pictures but am more okay with vid chat. (I also don't give out my name, but separate issue.)

 

Also, is it me, or is it weird if someone asks to call? In this aspect I guess I'm not old fashioned because it gives up a little red creeper flag to me if someone asks to call/vid chat within the first week or two. >_>

 

In terms of an unreasonable time... I think there are a lot of factors at play.

Honestly, the girl who refused to voicechat.... did you ever suspect she may be a catfish?

It seems like she explained she was uncomfortable, but did you ever get the sense that there were other reasons?

 

I'm rambling. There are my two cents!

[Guest Fancysir]

First I would like to sincerely thank Little Wolf, Daddy, Scottish, and Mystic for taking the time to read, consider and respond to this post. I do value your input.

 

Thank you Little Wolf. Yes I agree with your comments completely.  Had she said she wanted an online relationship only I may have given that thought.  What confused me was she kept telling me she wanted a real life relationship. 

 

Daddy. The timeline you had with your little seems very reasonable to me. If it seemed to fast to others that doesn't really matter as it worked for both you and your little in my opinion. I see what you mean about comfort level in your second example.  I will keep that in mind.

 

Yes Scottish. I feel like I explained myself clearly to her.  She told me she wanted a RL relationship.  I explained that after two months if we could not talk I didn't see a romantic relationship happening.  I re-read my post and see I did not express the details fully.  I did break off the romantic relationship with her but we did continued to be friends...even to this day.  While we message less we do touch base every week or two, so I suppose me stepping back romantically was done on good terms. I thought I did show her a lot of patience even though you feel I did not.  I appreciate your perspective and that gives me something to think about. Regarding the phone number, yes indeed, I offered her a few different app options.  Bottom line is I think she was not communicating what she truly wanted.  I agree "relationships shouldn't go by a specific set of rules" as you said. With that said I will consider your point about being more accepting.  Reflecting now I think my frustration came when she set timelines and then reset them.  Also, I agree...I need to work on letting go of expectations, thank you for that insight.

 

Mystic. I understand your point about anxiety. My last little had loads of anxiety about voicing....yet after two weeks of messaging she asked me to voice because she really wanted the relationship to progress. I guess everyone is different. I understand your introverted personally and value your opinions from that perspective. Yes, a Skype call would have done wonders for me. I'm sorry if a voice call sent up your "little read creeper flag" I do see your point given your introverted type. As to your catfish question, yes I did suspect that. And we had two mutual friends that suspected the same thing...perhaps this situation was just that. And no you were not rambling. Thank you for your feedback.

Edited December 21, 2018 by Fancysir

[Nathalie]

Speaking from my own experience and needs, I have learned I must decide what works for me, and then it's up to me to communicate my boundary and then stick to it. I absolutely cannot do an online only relationship, and in terms of real life dating, I need to either talk on the phone with the interested party or meet in person within a week, or at least make firm plans, or I will disconnect. 

 

Either people aren't amenable to my boundary (which is cool) and sort of naturally fall away, or else they push back against my boundary (which is not cool) and thus present me with an easily identifiable red flag and I quickly disconnect, saving myself plenty of time, energy, and future grief. 

 

If I sound cold, hard, and calculating, it is because I am, at least until I get to know a person in real life. There are numerous chimeras and ghosts in the machine floating about on the Internet and dating apps, and it is ever so easy to get waylaid by one. Since it sounds like you are wired like me and need some kind of irl point of connection and communication, I would advise you save your energy and time (all of which you will need) for the ones who are able to at least get as far as picking up the phone or meeting for coffee.

 

Good luck!

 

xo

Edited December 21, 2018 by Nathalie