Little girl trying to find the courage to leave an emotionally abusive Daddy

[SweetKittenKisses]

First post here, I’m so glad I found this community. I have been looking for a place I can seek help.

 

First of all, some introductions. I am 26f. Daddy is 54m. We are online-only, and have not met in person. We have been a couple go r a year and a half. He is my first DD. I am not his first little.

 

Next, some necessary context:

Two months ago, I helped Daddy launch a website where he sells NSFW content. I supported him because he needs the income and he is talented at making the niche content he provides. Because I had both the tech savvy and marketing/advertisement knowledge that Daddy lacked, Daddy gave me the password to his website and I basically ran the behind the scenes operations.

 

Current situation:

I recently found a post Daddy made wherein he implied he was single. I showed it to him and told him that it made me sad. He said it was a play on words and it was “just a post”. I pressed further, explaining why to me this was hurtful. In the past he had been vague about his relationship status online, taking a “none of your business” approach, which I tolerated, but in my eyes, this was too far.

 

When I expressed my hurt to Daddy, he went ballistic. Nuclear. I am aware he has an angry side, but it’s never been directed at me before. He started listing reasons why I had no right to be hurt or upset. He turned the situation around and listed my flaws. He said my jealousy and insecurity made him feel like He has to walk on eggshells. Worse, when I started crying and told him that his angry response was actually hurting me more than the initial issue, he got even angrier said my tears and my confrontation “hurt him”. He made it very clear that he didn’t believe he had done anything wrong, and that it was wrong of me to have tried to make him feel guilty.

 

Before this website, I had a few bouts of insecurity, but they weren’t frequent and they were mild. He always handled them with such gentleness and understanding.

 

Now that he is sharing himself online to a much higher degree than he once did, I need an increased amount of sensitivity, compassion, care, attention, and assurance to help me feel safe and secure in our relationship. (I didn’t know how to articulate this need until this week. All I knew was that for some reason I’ve been more insecure lately!)

 

I haven’t gotten the increased amount of care that I feel I need. If anything, I’ve gotten less. And daddy has gotten less and less patient and understanding with me. I noticed a trend since the website launch that when I express my hurt/fears/worries to Daddy, he is much more likely to get defensive than he is to listen or help soothe those feelings.

 

By the time Daddy was done with his angry rant.. I honestly felt like I’d taken a massive beating. I felt so wounded and frightened and broken. I have never felt this way in regards to Daddy before.

 

The worst part is that Daddy then changed the password on the website and locked me out of it, saying we needed to have a serious conversation. But I had to wait because he was leaving on a trip where he’d be really busy and wouldn’t have time to talk.

 

So I have spent the past few days reeling in the aftermath of all this. Being locked out of his website left me feeling like a scolded puppy AND was probably the single worse thing he could have done as far as increasing my insecurities about our relationship.

 

He sent me a handful of affectionate texts while he was gone, but none of them were apologetic, and he even stopped calling me baby.

 

He’s back now. We’re supposed to have our “serious talk” tomorrow. I want to be honest with him about how I feel, but now I’m just scared of making him angry. I used to call Daddy my “safe place”. I don’t think of him as that anymore.

 

I don’t know if we can come back from this one.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Oh man, this sounds like a terrible situation. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

 

From reading your post, it sounds like you have a really strong grip on what you need and what appropriate behavior looks like. The best advice I can give you is to stay strong and believe in yourself. Give him a chance to explain but have an idea of what it will take for him to make you feel safe again.

 

Hope everything works out!

[Guest Aetherr]

I would be dropping him if that was me, nobody has the right or moral justification to make another person feel the way you feel then just swan off somewhere and pretend it was all your fault, the fact that he locked you out of the website tells me he is scared you will go in and ruin his income which tells me he feels some level of guilt for exploding or it could be something else, all I can say is unless you have left any details out ot forgotten something this sounds like it won't end well, you need to tell him how he made you feel then gauge his reaction. if he can't treat you like a person and hear your pain he is not worth the time or energy

[Guest Vintage Daddy]

Many red flags I'm sorry to say.

 

Read the last paragraph you typed outloud.

 

Know that even if you iron it out this time, there is a good chance it could happen again.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Peace

[SweetKittenKisses]

Oh man, this sounds like a terrible situation. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

 

From reading your post, it sounds like you have a really strong grip on what you need and what appropriate behavior looks like. The best advice I can give you is to stay strong and believe in yourself. Give him a chance to explain but have an idea of what it will take for him to make you feel safe again.

 

Hope everything works out!

Thank you for your response and your advice! Yes, I do definitely have an idea of what it would take for me to feel safe again. I am trying to hope for the best. I want an apology (at the very least for the angry outburst), but I don’t want to coach him. I don’t want to have to say “I think you owe me an apology”. Does that make sense? I need that to come from him.

 

I am not a fighter. I did not respond to his verbal assault with anything mean, angry, or combative. My only replies were just ones expressing pain and sadness. I am notorious for backing down, for apologizing for things I don’t need to apologize for, and for being terrible at standing up for myself.

 

The first two days he was gone, I was so, so tempted to reach out and apologize, and try to get back into his good graces. A friend of mine stopped me and said that would only be encouraging his behavior.

 

Now that I’ve had a few days to collect my thoughts and gather my courage, I’m feeling a little more strong.. but I’m still scared.

[SweetKittenKisses]

I would be dropping him if that was me, nobody has the right or moral justification to make another person feel the way you feel then just swan off somewhere and pretend it was all your fault, the fact that he locked you out of the website tells me he is scared you will go in and ruin his income which tells me he feels some level of guilt for exploding or it could be something else, all I can say is unless you have left any details out ot forgotten something this sounds like it won't end well, you need to tell him how he made you feel then gauge his reaction. if he can't treat you like a person and hear your pain he is not worth the time or energy

Thank you your response. I am usually an optimist and I’m hoping for the best, but I have to admit I’m not feeling great about this.

 

I’m in so much pain. I love this man.

[SweetKittenKisses]

Many red flags I'm sorry to say.

 

Read the last paragraph you typed outloud.

 

Know that even if you iron it out this time, there is a good chance it could happen again.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Peace

I agree. Lots of red flags.

 

Thank you for your response.

[UpstateNewYorkDaddy]

Lots of red flags. In the future date someone close by and not so much older. My two cents.

 

Don't ever let someone treat you poorly. You deserve better

[PrincessKittenCupcake]

I don't necessarily think that one outburst or disagreement that was handled poorly means the relationship is beyond hope. Relationships ebb and flow. People say things they don't mean. People get defensive. Such is life.

 

My partner used to pull stuff like this all the time. I found that the best way to deal with it is to completely ignore him until he can pull it together. For the most part, he has learned to control himself.

 

When you do have the conversation, my best advice is to just listen and say as little as possible. It will help you regain some control over the situation.

 

I am very surprised that he didn't immediately offer to shut down the site. If I were in his shoes, that would be my first instinct.

 

Side note, if the website is turning a profit, I hope you're getting a cut. You two are not married, and I'm assuming all of your assets are completely separate. If that's the case, there is no benefit to you providing free labor, and that is time you could be spending building things for yourself. Just something to consider.

[SweetKittenKisses]

I don't necessarily think that one outburst or disagreement that was handled poorly means the relationship is beyond hope. Relationships ebb and flow. People say things they don't mean. People get defensive. Such is life.

 

My partner used to pull stuff like this all the time. I found that the best way to deal with it is to completely ignore him until he can pull it together. For the most part, he has learned to control himself.

 

When you do have the conversation, my best advice is to just listen and say as little as possible. It will help you regain some control over the situation.

 

I am very surprised that he didn't immediately offer to shut down the site. If I were in his shoes, that would be my first instinct.

 

Side note, if the website is turning a profit, I hope you're getting a cut. You two are not married, and I'm assuming all of your assets are completely separate. If that's the case, there is no benefit to you providing free labor, and that is time you could be spending building things for yourself. Just something to consider.

Thank you for your response and for your advice. I was tempted to ignore him but I thought that might not be a mature response, so instead I did acknowledge his texts with polite but not affectionate replies.

 

I can’t imagine him offering to shut down the site, even for me. He needs the money and has made it pretty clear that that’s his priority. That’s not how this started out back when I was doing the prep work to launch the site, but that’s how it’s become over the last few months.

 

And no, I’m not getting a cut. But he did say if it starts generating “a big profit” then he wants to pay me. I never really thought about it. I was just eager to help him at the time.

 

Anyway, thank you again. You’ve given me more to think about. I appreciate it.

[Abbie28]

I agree with everyone who has already said that there are red flags. I don't know the exact nature of your relationship with him is but with only the things you said to go off by, the flags scream to me that he is at the very least verbally abusive. No one should make you feel like something is your fault. If I were you, as hard as this may be, I would walk away. I agree with the previous commenters, even if things do get patched up, even if he does apologize, he may very well do this again and you are worth so much more than this. I only share the below because I genuinely care about your well being.

 

Following are other subtle types of verbal abuse that are just as damaging as overt forms, particularly because they are harder to detect. When experienced over time, they have an insidious, deleterious effect, because you begin to doubt and distrust yourself.

 

Opposing: The abuser will argue against anything you say, challenging your perceptions, opinions, and thoughts. The abuser doesn’t listen or volunteer thoughts or feelings, but treats you as an adversary, in effect saying “No” to everything, so a constructive conversation is impossible.
Blocking: This is another tactic used to abort conversation. The abuser may switch topics, accuse you, or use words that in effect say, “Shut Up.”
Discounting & Belittling: This is verbal abuse that minimizes or trivializes your feelings, thoughts, or experiences. It’s a way of saying that your feelings don’t matter or are wrong.
Undermining & Interrupting: These words are meant to undermine your self-esteem and confidence, such as, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” finishing your sentences, or speaking on your behalf without your permission.
Denying: An abuser may deny that agreements or promises were made, or that a conversation or other events took place, including prior abuse. The abuser instead may express affection or make declarations of love and caring. This is crazy-making and manipulative behavior, which leads you to gradually doubt your own memory, perceptions, and experience. In the extreme, a persistent pattern is called gaslighting, named after the classic Ingrid Bergman movie, Gaslight.  In it, a husband used denial in a plot to make his wife believe she was losing her grip on reality.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking

Edited September 17, 2018 by Abbie28

[SweetKittenKisses]

I agree with everyone who has already said that there are red flags. I don't know the exact nature of your relationship with him is but with only the things you said to go off by, the flags scream to me that he is at the very least verbally abusive. No one should make you feel like something is your fault. If I were you, as hard as this may be, I would walk away. I agree with the previous commenters, even if things do get patched up, even if he does apologize, he may very well do this again and you are worth so much more than this. I only share the below because I genuinely care about your well being.

Following are other subtle types of verbal abuse that are just as damaging as overt forms, particularly because they are harder to detect. When experienced over time, they have an insidious, deleterious effect, because you begin to doubt and distrust yourself.

Opposing: The abuser will argue against anything you say, challenging your perceptions, opinions, and thoughts. The abuser doesn’t listen or volunteer thoughts or feelings, but treats you as an adversary, in effect saying “No” to everything, so a constructive conversation is impossible.

Blocking: This is another tactic used to abort conversation. The abuser may switch topics, accuse you, or use words that in effect say, “Shut Up.”

Discounting & Belittling: This is verbal abuse that minimizes or trivializes your feelings, thoughts, or experiences. It’s a way of saying that your feelings don’t matter or are wrong.

Undermining & Interrupting: These words are meant to undermine your self-esteem and confidence, such as, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” finishing your sentences, or speaking on your behalf without your permission.

Denying: An abuser may deny that agreements or promises were made, or that a conversation or other events took place, including prior abuse. The abuser instead may express affection or make declarations of love and caring. This is crazy-making and manipulative behavior, which leads you to gradually doubt your own memory, perceptions, and experience. In the extreme, a persistent pattern is called gaslighting, named after the classic Ingrid Bergman movie, Gaslight. In it, a husband used denial in a plot to make his wife believe she was losing her grip on reality.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking

I really appreciate your insight.

 

It’s a very tough pill to swallow, but I keep evaluating the gradual worsening of his treatment of me since the website launched and things keep pointing to verbal and emotional abuse.

 

It’s so so so hard to reconcile this with the memory I have of the man he was just a few months ago before this website launched. If you were to ask me back in.. say.. April, what kind of man my daddy was, I’d say he’s the most gentle, selfless, caring daddy I could ever imagine and that I’m the luckiest girl in the world to be his.

 

I really want to hope for the best. But this isn’t looking good.

[BabyBeans]

I'd say it might be for the best if you two split. I've had similar experiences in the past and if something like that can happen once, then it's bound to happen again in the future. Like others are saying, there are red flags. My first daddy was similar. In the beginning, he was the best, nicest, funniest, gentlest one I knew and I felt lucky to have him in my life and be a part of his. It took a while but he eventually started showing red flags like yours, and I thought it would get better and we would work through it but in the end it never got better, just worse. And it took me a few years to finally remove him from my life. I kept telling myself it would get better and that it was my fault it got bad, all because I had worries and feelings. 

It also bothers me how he overreacted about the relationship status, maybe I'm thinking too much about it but that might mean he's probably a cheater. Just my assumption, and probably not true. 

 

I want to put emphasis on the fact that if it's happened once, it's bound to happen again. That's very important. No one deserves to go through any kind of abuse. 

[PrincessSnorlax]

That’s awful, I’m sorry this has happened. Reading your post made me feel sad. I’m sorry you have been treated that way

[SweetKittenKisses]

I'd say it might be for the best if you two split. I've had similar experiences in the past and if something like that can happen once, then it's bound to happen again in the future. Like others are saying, there are red flags. My first daddy was similar. In the beginning, he was the best, nicest, funniest, gentlest one I knew and I felt lucky to have him in my life and be a part of his. It took a while but he eventually started showing red flags like yours, and I thought it would get better and we would work through it but in the end it never got better, just worse. And it took me a few years to finally remove him from my life. I kept telling myself it would get better and that it was my fault it got bad, all because I had worries and feelings.

It also bothers me how he overreacted about the relationship status, maybe I'm thinking too much about it but that might mean he's probably a cheater. Just my assumption, and probably not true.

 

I want to put emphasis on the fact that if it's happened once, it's bound to happen again. That's very important. No one deserves to go through any kind of abuse.

Thank you for your input and for sharing your experience. I am definitely giving this serious consideration. I don’t want to do anything rash or jump to conclusions but I also understand I need to exercise caution and take care of myself.

[SweetKittenKisses]

That’s awful, I’m sorry this has happened. Reading your post made me feel sad. I’m sorry you have been treated that way

Thank you <3

[Little Illy]

First post here, I’m so glad I found this community. I have been looking for a place I can seek help.

 

First of all, some introductions. I am 26f. Daddy is 54m. We are online-only, and have not met in person. We have been a couple go r a year and a half. He is my first DD. I am not his first little.

 

Next, some necessary context:

Two months ago, I helped Daddy launch a website where he sells NSFW content. I supported him because he needs the income and he is talented at making the niche content he provides. Because I had both the tech savvy and marketing/advertisement knowledge that Daddy lacked, Daddy gave me the password to his website and I basically ran the behind the scenes operations.

 

Current situation:

I recently found a post Daddy made wherein he implied he was single. I showed it to him and told him that it made me sad. He said it was a play on words and it was “just a post”. I pressed further, explaining why to me this was hurtful. In the past he had been vague about his relationship status online, taking a “none of your business” approach, which I tolerated, but in my eyes, this was too far.

 

When I expressed my hurt to Daddy, he went ballistic. Nuclear. I am aware he has an angry side, but it’s never been directed at me before.

 

He started listing reasons why I had no right to be hurt or upset.

 

He turned the situation around and listed my flaws.

 

He said my jealousy and insecurity made him feel like He has to walk on eggshells.

 

Worse, when I started crying and told him that his angry response was actually hurting me more than the initial issue, he got even angrier said my tears and my confrontation “hurt him”.

 

He made it very clear that he didn’t believe he had done anything wrong, and that it was wrong of me to have tried to make him feel guilty.

 

Before this website, I had a few bouts of insecurity, but they weren’t frequent and they were mild. He always handled them with such gentleness and understanding.

 

Now that he is sharing himself online to a much higher degree than he once did, I need an increased amount of sensitivity, compassion, care, attention, and assurance to help me feel safe and secure in our relationship. (I didn’t know how to articulate this need until this week. All I knew was that for some reason I’ve been more insecure lately!)

 

I haven’t gotten the increased amount of care that I feel I need. If anything, I’ve gotten less. And daddy has gotten less and less patient and understanding with me. I noticed a trend since the website launch that when I express my hurt/fears/worries to Daddy, he is much more likely to get defensive than he is to listen or help soothe those feelings.

 

By the time Daddy was done with his angry rant..

 

I honestly felt like I’d taken a massive beating.

 

I felt so wounded and frightened and broken. I have never felt this way in regards to Daddy before.

 

The worst part is that Daddy then changed the password on the website and locked me out of it, saying we needed to have a serious conversation. But I had to wait because he was leaving on a trip where he’d be really busy and wouldn’t have time to talk.

 

So I have spent the past few days reeling in the aftermath of all this. Being locked out of his website left me feeling like a scolded puppy AND was probably the single worse thing he could have done as far as increasing my insecurities about our relationship.

 

He sent me a handful of affectionate texts while he was gone, but none of them were apologetic, and he even stopped calling me baby.

 

He’s back now. We’re supposed to have our “serious talk” tomorrow. I want to be honest with him about how I feel, but now I’m just scared of making him angry.

 

I used to call Daddy my “safe place”. I don’t think of him as that anymore.

 

I don’t know if we can come back from this one.

 

I hate to be blunt, like everyone else, but I have taught on Domestic Abuse, and this very near hits the mark. It has been done above, but I am going to walk through each red flag that I have highlighted on how this is abusive behavior. I have nothing to go off of but this post, so I am making a massive assumption everything you have said is exactly as it happened:

 

1. That big in an age gap can be completely harmless, or it can mean something. I think in your case, it may mean something. It could mean he cant be with women his age because he cannot control them. It could mean he needs someone inexperienced to mold and condition to his preferences, not a mutually agreed upon idea. With this added to the LDR, this could also be something where you are a commodity to him. In other words - online only because that is all he wants out of you. That is his domain to control, and keeping you there is easier to maintain.

 

2. His reluctance to blurt out that "Hey! I am in a relationship with my beautiful little!" That is your very first big red flag. It sounds like he frequents the internet a lot and is getting a lot of social interaction there. Anyone, ANYONE, who refuses to proudly acknowledge their relationship online, means there is a reason they don't want it to be known. Its not "not anyone's business" bullshit - it lessens his experience online, having to admit he isn't available, especially having an NSFW site. 

 

It needs to be said for everyone right here and now - if your partner doesn't want to admit to a relationship online, they need to give a solid reason why and at the very least make it known that they are not available. They don't have to explain the extent, but simply saying "I am not available for a relationship" to anyone online is not invading his "business," it is just telling people where he is at mentally. He may not want one because he is stressed, is sick, doesn't believe in relationships or whatever. This is a line of bullshit he fed you (in my opinion) and honestly leads me to believe he probably has another person on the side or in real life.

 

When people want online only and then wig out over when their partner wants that relationship known, it is typically because they are either a cheater or a collector and do not actually care. 

 

When Daddy and I first started dating, I told him I wouldn't be telling my parents until after I flew 9134 miles over to meet him in real life. I wasn't going to announce it on Facebook nor was I going to broadcast it. My reason? My mother is abusive mentally and if I were to tell her about my LDR boyfriend in Australia who I have never met in real life... lets just say a professional told me I should never tell my mother all about my life. So I explained this to Daddy (my mother would make my life hell), but at the same time I told him to tell anyone he wanted to over there, and I was telling my sibling and my very best friends. We just didn't go "public."

 

Yes I asked Daddy to not share our relationship, however I only hid it from 2 specific people directly (and possibly someone who may tell them, like my grandparents). But anyone else who may have asked, I was happily in a relationship with some dude in Australia. We didn't know what we were but we were having fun. THIS is the difference - I gave Daddy a reason that he agreed was LEGIT. 

 

Compare me and your Daddy - there is a massive difference from hiding a relationship from a couple people and literally hiding your partner.

 

So if he expects you to just accept all of this, the very least HE can do is realize his actions are hurting you because he obviously doesn't care enough to put your feelings over his ideas ("none of their business").

 

3. What you need to say here... is he became verbally, violently abusive. What he just did was called Gaslighting. 

 

"Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. "

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting (SFW)

 

The most common form of gaslighting is when the abuser makes the victim feel like she is "making up" the things that are hurting her. Using your situation as an example:

 

You found something that genuinely upset you. This is from a pattern of behavior that made you uncomfortable in the past, and may have brought it to his attention, but it was kind of pushed to the side. This time, however, it really bothered you and his absolute first response was to verbally attack you and deflect any and all responsibility he had. He took all of the negative focus off of him for possibly doing something wrong, and turned it on you:

 

"He started listing reasons why I had no right to be hurt or upset. 

 

He turned the situation around and listed my flaws. 

 

He said my jealousy and insecurity made him feel like He has to walk on eggshells. 

 

Worse, when I started crying and told him that his angry response was actually hurting me more than the initial issue, he got even angrier said my tears and my confrontation “hurt him”. 

 

He made it very clear that he didn’t believe he had done anything wrong, and that it was wrong of me to have tried to make him feel guilty. "

 

This is mental abuse 101, and I am very sorry to say it. But I am going to continue because sometimes it takes spelling everything out...

 

4. Immediately after this massive blow out on his end, he abandons you. At least that is how I am going to categorize it. He unleashes on you, makes you feel beaten and broken and unsafe/unheard, then he tells you he is leaving and you two are not going to say anything about it until he gets back. Think of Aftercare. Aftercare is not just for a sexual session or a punishment. Aftercare is administered in any situation where a person needs that support and stability, especially if that instability and vulnerability was caused by the partner.

 

He blocked you from the site he would not have been able to have up and running without you. He stopped calling you baby. He left you stranded emotionally from his outburst and did nothing to soothe that before leaving (from what you have said) and did nothing to help calm you while he was away. At the very least this is a man who doesn't care to help where he has hurt.

 

Even if it isnt a big deal in his mind, it means more than enough to you that he should be taking it seriously. The fact that he isn't really shows how he feels about the control and power in this relationship - and I am not talking about the DDlg dynamic.

 

5. I used to call Daddy my “safe place”. I don’t think of him as that anymore. I don't want to dig into this one, this is hard enough to read and understand this was lost for you. I am only going to ask you this:

 

If your Daddy does not feel like a safe place anymore, how can you ever feel loved and secure?

 

________________________________

 

SweetKittenKisses - if you were my friend I would be begging you to leave him. He doesn't stand up for your relationship and posts things indicating he is single. He doesn't care when he truly upsets you. When you wont "just drop it" he flies off in a verbally abusive rant, which is gaslighting. He then disappears so he doesn't have to deal with any of the mess he created, nor your hurt emotions or own up to his responsibility in the process. It sounds like he wants you were he wants you, he wants to put in enough effort that he feels fit and he doesn't want to incorporate you into his main aspects of life.

 

I know, I really know, how hard it is to let that first Daddy go if he needs to be. I know how incredibly difficult it is to see someone you love as someone who is causing you so much pain. But honestly, the question isn't "can we fix this" it really, really needs to be "Should I stay?" I went ahead and lined everything out in an insensitive and brazen manner. Because otherwise, it is too easy to find reasons why it isn't so bad. I am sorry it sounds harsh, but I am legit worried for you. 

 

If you decide you want to work things out, you need to be prepared to remain firm and if your needs (not wants - NEEDS, because even those are not being met here) are not met, then you need to be ready to stand up for yourself and leave. You need to sit down with him and go:

 

"Alright, [name], we are out of the dynamic while we have this conversation. Right now, I am not a little and you are not a Daddy. You are my partner and I am yours and you hurt me very badly. You have hurt me a few times now and I need to know it wont happen again before I even think of continuing this."  Or along those lines. But do not believe his words, you need to believe his actions. Give him actual time to make adjustments and make it up to you, but you scrutinized everything. Be honest and fair to yourself and focus on your health and safety, not the fact he is your "First" Daddy. I know it is easier said than done, but if can't stick up for yourself he will see no need to change.

 

Please, please, please read this - https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/35210-psa-power-exchange-does-not-mean-powerless/ (SFW) it may help you realize that you have POWER and CONTROL over your relationship, even if he doesn't give it to you.

 

I hope and hope that whatever happens you are safe and happy by the end of this mess. Psychology (especially criminal psychology) is my field, but I am by no means an expert. If you disagree with me with legitimate reasons - you honestly know best. You do what is best and relevant to you. All we can ever do is offer support and love. If you ever need to chat with someone, I am always here.

Edited September 20, 2018 by Little Illy

[SweetKittenKisses]

 

I hate to be blunt, like everyone else, but I have taught on Domestic Abuse, and this very near hits the mark. It has been done above, but I am going to walk through each red flag that I have highlighted on how this is abusive behavior. I have nothing to go off of but this post, so I am making a massive assumption everything you have said is exactly as it happened:

 

1. That big in an age gap can be completely harmless, or it can mean something. I think in your case, it may mean something. It could mean he cant be with women his age because he cannot control them. It could mean he needs someone inexperienced to mold and condition to his preferences, not a mutually agreed upon idea. With this added to the LDR, this could also be something where you are a commodity to him. In other words - online only because that is all he wants out of you. That is his domain to control, and keeping you there is easier to maintain.

 

2. His reluctance to blurt out that "Hey! I am in a relationship with my beautiful little!" That is your very first big red flag. It sounds like he frequents the internet a lot and is getting a lot of social interaction there. Anyone, ANYONE, who refuses to proudly acknowledge their relationship online, means there is a reason they don't want it to be known. Its not "not anyone's business" bullshit - it lessens his experience online, having to admit he isn't available, especially having an NSFW site.

 

It needs to be said for everyone right here and now - if your partner doesn't want to admit to a relationship online, they need to give a solid reason why and at the very least make it known that they are not available. They don't have to explain the extent, but simply saying "I am not available for a relationship" to anyone online is not invading his "business," it is just telling people where he is at mentally. He may not want one because he is stressed, is sick, doesn't believe in relationships or whatever. This is a line of bullshit he fed you (in my opinion) and honestly leads me to believe he probably has another person on the side or in real life.

 

When people want online only and then wig out over when their partner wants that relationship known, it is typically because they are either a cheater or a collector and do not actually care.

 

When Daddy and I first started dating, I told him I wouldn't be telling my parents until after I flew 9134 miles over to meet him in real life. I wasn't going to announce it on Facebook nor was I going to broadcast it. My reason? My mother is abusive mentally and if I were to tell her about my LDR boyfriend in Australia who I have never met in real life... lets just say a professional told me I should never tell my mother all about my life. So I explained this to Daddy (my mother would make my life hell), but at the same time I told him to tell anyone he wanted to over there, and I was telling my sibling and my very best friends. We just didn't go "public."

 

Yes I asked Daddy to not share our relationship, however I only hid it from 2 specific people directly (and possibly someone who may tell them, like my grandparents). But anyone else who may have asked, I was happily in a relationship with some dude in Australia. We didn't know what we were but we were having fun. THIS is the difference - I gave Daddy a reason that he agreed was LEGIT.

 

Compare me and your Daddy - there is a massive difference from hiding a relationship from a couple people and literally hiding your partner.

 

So if he expects you to just accept all of this, the very least HE can do is realize his actions are hurting you because he obviously doesn't care enough to put your feelings over his ideas ("none of their business").

 

3. What you need to say here... is he became verbally, violently abusive. What he just did was called Gaslighting.

 

"Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. "

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting (SFW)

 

The most common form of gaslighting is when the abuser makes the victim feel like she is "making up" the things that are hurting her. Using your situation as an example:

 

You found something that genuinely upset you. This is from a pattern of behavior that made you uncomfortable in the past, and may have brought it to his attention, but it was kind of pushed to the side. This time, however, it really bothered you and his absolute first response was to verbally attack you and deflect any and all responsibility he had. He took all of the negative focus off of him for possibly doing something wrong, and turned it on you:

 

"He started listing reasons why I had no right to be hurt or upset.

 

He turned the situation around and listed my flaws.

 

He said my jealousy and insecurity made him feel like He has to walk on eggshells.

 

Worse, when I started crying and told him that his angry response was actually hurting me more than the initial issue, he got even angrier said my tears and my confrontation “hurt him”.

 

He made it very clear that he didn’t believe he had done anything wrong, and that it was wrong of me to have tried to make him feel guilty. "

 

This is mental abuse 101, and I am very sorry to say it. But I am going to continue because sometimes it takes spelling everything out...

 

4. Immediately after this massive blow out on his end, he abandons you. At least that is how I am going to categorize it. He unleashes on you, makes you feel beaten and broken and unsafe/unheard, then he tells you he is leaving and you two are not going to say anything about it until he gets back. Think of Aftercare. Aftercare is not just for a sexual session or a punishment. Aftercare is administered in any situation where a person needs that support and stability, especially if that instability and vulnerability was caused by the partner.

 

He blocked you from the site he would not have been able to have up and running without you. He stopped calling you baby. He left you stranded emotionally from his outburst and did nothing to soothe that before leaving (from what you have said) and did nothing to help calm you while he was away. At the very least this is a man who doesn't care to help where he has hurt.

 

Even if it isnt a big deal in his mind, it means more than enough to you that he should be taking it seriously. The fact that he isn't really shows how he feels about the control and power in this relationship - and I am not talking about the DDlg dynamic.

 

5. I used to call Daddy my “safe place”. I don’t think of him as that anymore. I don't want to dig into this one, this is hard enough to read and understand this was lost for you. I am only going to ask you this:

 

If your Daddy does not feel like a safe place anymore, how can you ever feel loved and secure?

 

 

________________________________

SweetKittenKisses - if you were my friend I would be begging you to leave him. He doesn't stand up for your relationship and posts things indicating he is single. He doesn't care when he truly upsets you. When you wont "just drop it" he flies off in a verbally abusive rant, which is gaslighting. He then disappears so he doesn't have to deal with any of the mess he created, nor your hurt emotions or own up to his responsibility in the process. It sounds like he wants you were he wants you, he wants to put in enough effort that he feels fit and he doesn't want to incorporate you into his main aspects of life.

 

I know, I really know, how hard it is to let that first Daddy go if he needs to be. I know how incredibly difficult it is to see someone you love as someone who is causing you so much pain. But honestly, the question isn't "can we fix this" it really, really needs to be "Should I stay?" I went ahead and lined everything out in an insensitive and brazen manner. Because otherwise, it is too easy to find reasons why it isn't so bad. I am sorry it sounds harsh, but I am legit worried for you.

 

If you decide you want to work things out, you need to be prepared to remain firm and if your needs (not wants - NEEDS, because even those are not being met here) are not met, then you need to be ready to stand up for yourself and leave. You need to sit down with him and go:

 

"Alright, [name], we are out of the dynamic while we have this conversation. Right now, I am not a little and you are not a Daddy. You are my partner and I am yours and you hurt me very badly. You have hurt me a few times now and I need to know it wont happen again before I even think of continuing this." Or along those lines. But do not believe his words, you need to believe his actions. Give him actual time to make adjustments and make it up to you, but you scrutinized everything. Be honest and fair to yourself and focus on your health and safety, not the fact he is your "First" Daddy. I know it is easier said than done, but if can't stick up for yourself he will see no need to change.

 

Please, please, please read this - https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/35210-psa-power-exchange-does-not-mean-powerless/ (SFW) it may help you realize that you have POWER and CONTROL over your relationship, even if he doesn't give it to you.

 

I hope and hope that whatever happens you are safe and happy by the end of this mess. Psychology (especially criminal psychology) is my field, but I am by no means an expert. If you disagree with me with legitimate reasons - you honestly know best. You do what is best and relevant to you. All we can ever do is offer support and love. If you ever need to chat with someone, I am always here.

I read all of this very carefully. It’s one of those things where I know you’re right, I know it’s all true, but I wish it weren’t.

 

Thank you for taking the time to give me your well thought out explanation and advice. It means so much to me that you’d care to that extent.

[SmartAssLittle]

I think the man is a liar who exploits you. Edited September 27, 2018 by SmartAssLittle

[Little Illy]

I read all of this very carefully. It’s one of those things where I know you’re right, I know it’s all true, but I wish it weren’t.

 

Thank you for taking the time to give me your well thought out explanation and advice. It means so much to me that you’d care to that extent.

 

Im sorry this is a reality for you, no one deserves it. But there are people out there who are willing to help and support you through whatever you may be facing. Know you are cared for.

[SweetKittenKisses]

Ive posted here before about my relationship with Daddy that had started so wonderfully and gradually became toxic.

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/35744-advice-needed-daddy-broke-my-heart-can-we-overcome-this/

 

The brief summary of that last post is: My Daddy has changed dramatically. He used to be so caring and sweet, but he went through some extremely difficult life situations that caused him to suffer greatly, and he changed into a totally different person. now he’s doing so many things to make me feel insecure and won’t do anything to make me feel better. He sells NSFW content online and has a large fan base of women and won’t acknowledge publicly that he’s taken. We had a fight about it and he blamed me.

 

I received a lot of wisdom here, and I’m sad to say, I didn’t heed it. Some lessons take time to learn, unfortunately. After my big conflict with daddy in September, I stayed with him for a couple of weeks. I was unhappy. Eventually I told him it wasn’t working and that’s I didn’t want to be together. He begged me to stay just as his friend, and I caved. I didn’t like the thought of “losing him”.

 

For two months we were “just friends”, but during that time I kept seeing tiny glimmers of the sweet, caring daddy that he was when we first met, and my heart kept softening towards him. I now realize he may have just enjoyed the “chase” since I was no longer “his”. He was pursuing me all over again, and it took a few months, but it worked. The last week of November, we got back together.

 

I think I was genuinely happy for about 3 hours.

 

Then, almost instantly, he went back to being the sad excuse for a Daddy that he’d been all summer. I should have immediately cut all ties at that point, but... hope springs eternal. I had had a taste of his “good daddy” act, and I craved more and just hoped it would come back. I put up with it for two weeks, before I gently told him I was unhappy as his babygirl and wanted to just be friends.

 

This happened just a couple days ago. And our friendship felt peaceful and happy. I had no “daddy” expectations of him, and I was happy just to talk and be silly and casual with him as a friend. He seemed really happy too.

 

Then, yesterday, he asked for my help on his website where he promotes his nsfw content. (I am the tech brains behind that whole operation). I agreed to it and set to work, but that task involved me going into a weird second inbox. To clarify, this isn’t his private personal inbox where private conversations happen. It’s more like... a place where website reports go? I have worked on projects like this before and I have never seen personal, private conversations happen in this type of inbox, and so I went into it with a clear conscience and with zero intent or concern about snooping.

 

But, just my luck, thanks to his lack of tech savvy, he HAD been using that weird second inbox for personal conversations. And what I found absolutely tore my heart to pieces. Months and months of very sexual conversations with a plethora of girls, that dated back to the time period when I started noticing a negative change in the Daddy was treating me.

 

He doesn’t know that I know, yet.

 

I have finally come to the conclusion that I cannot keep this person in my life in any capacity. And I have come up with three options for ending things:

 

- just ghost him. Disappear without a word.

- say goodbye but don’t say what I know. Make up some other reason for leaving.

- tell him what I know, how much it hurt me, and then end things. For this last option, I’m considering just writing him a letter and then permanently terminating our friendship as opposed to having a conversation.

 

I don’t want to hear what he has to say. This new person he’s become is a master at manipulating and gaslighting and making me believe that everything is my fault.

 

My problem is I’m having a hard time actually gathering up my courage to do this. I thought last night I was ready to do it, but then I ALMOST caved. I caught myself thinking “maybe it doesn’t matter anymore since we’re not together”... and I was horrified at how unhealthy that was. So instead, I said nothing at all.

 

My new plan is to avoid him for several days, talk to friends, vent (like right now), and use that time to make sure I KNOW what is best for me so that I don’t cave and forgive him again.

 

During some sobbing and deep thinking last night, I did have an epiphany that might just serve as my mantra as I try to gather up my courage to leave him:

 

“The man I originally fell in love with would never tolerate the way this man is treating me.”

 

When I met Daddy, he would have moved heaven and earth to make sure I was safe, happy, secure, and loved. He would have torn anyone in two if they dared hurt me. The very very few times he unintentionally made me a little sad, his apologies were so thorough and sincere, and our relationship would grow because of them. That’s the man I’m still in love with. I’m love with a memory, someone who doesn’t exist anymore. But that man always encouraged me to be strong and to stand up for myself. He would be enraged if he knew how hurt I was today. And so as stupid as it sounds, I need to let go of the “new him” because of how much I love the “old him”.

 

I plan to remember fondly and with a grateful heart the good times I shared with him before he turned into a totally different person. And I will soberly take lessons I learned from the second half of our relationship with me so that I can better protect myself in the future.

 

I know this was insanely long, but for me it was more of a journal entry and it felt very therapeutic to write. If you made it this far, thank you.

[Guest BohoBaby84]

I think it's really brave of you to share all of this and I hope it proves helpful for you.

 

Sadly, I've had my own experiences with abuse and I can honestly say that I understand what you're feeling right now.

 

The feeling of grief at losing the person that you fell in love with and the hurt and finding out that he's not who you thought he was.

 

But you've made a plan and that is fantastic. Give yourself credit for getting through all of this and coming out the other side. That's a good thing.

 

My advice to you would be to write the letter and tell him how wrong his behaviour has been. Let it be a form of closure for yourself but I would say do not expect acknowledgement of your pain and his wrongdoing. From what you've said about the man he's become it's highly unlikely to happen.

 

I wish you all the best with this and offer my support and a listening ear should you need it. I mean that. Add me if you'd like to talk.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Thank you for the update. It was very kind of you to share your story with us, so we can learn from it. Almost sounds like what happens when someone gets famous, they begin to think there is a new set of rules.

 

As for your three options, the first two may sound easiest. They may be the easiest. If it were me, I would always wonder if my saying something could have saved another girl from getting her heart broken.

 

In my early twenties, I would have gone with the first option. In my late twenties, the second. Now that I am in my thirties, I feel like the third option is the best one for closure.

 

Stay strong, and if you ever need a friend, my mailbox is open.

[SweetKittenKisses]

Thank you for your encouraging and helpful replies!

 

This is so so hard. And so painful. I’m still avoiding him so I can clear my head. I’ve never intentionally avoided him for this long and I am fighting such a painful battle between my desire to yell at him, and my desire to run to him for comfort. I want to punch him, and I want his arms wrapped around me.

 

He used to be my safe place. Where I found my comfort. The person who always made everything okay. Now he’s the source of all my pain. I’m so upset I’ve managed to make myself physically ill.

 

I can’t wait for this to be over.

[chateautal]

Thank you for sharing this - and I’m very sorry you’ve been subjected to such horrible behaviour. Your instincts and reactions actually sound very good- despite what is clearly a case of gaslighting. Make sure that whatever you choose to do, you do it for your benefit, not his.

 

Be aware, even if you go down route 3 (which I would advise) - he is not likely to be contrite at all, and may (as you said in your original post) pull all sorts of stuff on you to make you feel bad (sounds like he will for sure react defensively). You may wish to consider then a combination of 3 and 1: that is say what you wish to say in a longer letter- and then cut him off completely. Don’t wait for his replies- they will not be good for you to read: at best they will be manipulative, and at worst outright abusive. Moving on from this cannot depend on him or his actions, but rather has to come from yourself ( hopefully with the help of your friends, if any, who know).