Question for other little's about trust

[Princess-Sha]

Hey Guys, 

 

 

So I'm currently in a LDR (same country so we see each other regularly) with my daddy of almost 2 years but probably around 6 months ago I found out he was getting off to pictures girls he knows. (girls he goes to uni with or went to high school with etc) While I can imagine this may not be a big deal to some, it really hurt me. The most hurtful part was the way I found out I think. He had all the images saved on his phone and freaked out at me when I went into his gallery (to send myself a selfie I took haha) this makes me think he knew it was wrong but I don't know.

 

Anyway, we talked about it and he said he wouldn't do it again but I'm still having such a hard time trusting him and I'm so hypersensitive to him checking out other girls and what not now. I feel so guilty for being jealous but I can't help it. So I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position, or if you think I have a right to still be upset with him? I love him but I feel like our relationship wont go anywhere if I can't get past this.

 

Thanks    

[baby_k]

Personal opinion: porn is okay, wanking to their friend is just plain weird and not okay ( unless they are single and have crush to that person ).

 

His reaction shows he knew it was not excatly okay as he seemed to want to hide what he was doing.

If I was you, I would be shocked and consider if there is "mental cheating" going on. So, no, I don't think you are hypersensitive but reacting just like most people would. Trust was broken, one could even talk of cheating, so you now need to rebuild your rel. How to really do it, I'm not sure but at least don't try to brush this off as "small minor incident" as it wasn't that for you and it is perfectly valid.

 

I'd start with him needing to really apologise meaning that he needs to show that he understands absolutely WHY you are upset or hurt. Of course he needs your help with this meaning you need to communicate your feelings and thoughts. So, not just "I'm sorry I hurt you, I will not watch pics off girls I know to jerk off" but like LONG explanation of what he did, why it is bad, what it has caused and so on.

 

Some people don't wan to know more about the "incident", so this one you can do or skip: try to understand WHY he did what he did. So, he needs to explain this. This either can help with your insecurity if his reasons are somewhat understandable even not being okay OR it can hurt you even more. It could be that the way he sees sexuality is really different than you and there may be opposite values behind this. Personally I want to know always and not live in a lie but sometimes knowin more is not the best thing to happen.

 

After that he should suggest way how this will never happen again ( assuming that you have not found out that actually it is somethin he wants to do in future too... ). You need to work here with him too and give your input and suggestion. Hopefully you find solution that is not just vague "will not do again" as that sort of thing hardly ever calms one's mind when we talk of "big deals".

 

Maybe he should also put extra effort in you to try and patch the damage that has already been caused. I'd recomend reading about how to continue relationship after cheating or going to couples counselling because your issue is same as cheating: trust was broken, insecurities created and so on.

[Princess-Sha]

Thank you so much for the reply K, it was super duper helpful. It’s good to be reassured that my feelings are valid. Plus the tips on how to deal with it and communicate were great.