Cycle of arguments

[babygirl'xo]

My Daddy And I have been together for over 3 years and I love him to bits. We have had a time where we were constantly arguing and it was almost like a cycle where it was just about unnecessary things. We have been really good for a long time now and spending time with him has been really fun and enjoyable. Since last week we had our first argument, yesterday another and today it continued and it feels like we are falling into that trap again.

 

I believe in communication and my Daddy and I  always try to resolve problems and let each other know what has upset us. However once the cycle starts it is easy to get lost in it and then be in this negative bubble. Any advice on this would be much appreciated, there is bound to be someone who has an idea that hasn't crossed our minds yet.

 

[Tinka]

1) if the fight ''continues'' it means that the problem hasnt been solved.

 

this is either because - either member has difficulty letting it go

                                   - the conversation you guys had was not enough for one of you or both and you just chose to let it go and call it a day.

 

2) either of you tends to repeat the reason that triggers the fight 

 

Pay close attention to what starts the fight, and how both of you react.

Choose to give some time so the heat cools off, and then speak your side.

BUT dont stay only to this. The fact that you explain to him your side , and he does the same for his side, doesnt mean a solution has been found.

Choose to find mutual ways of solving it not only as a problem but also the reaction you had during the fight.

 

for example 

IF one is shouting, then make sure next time you will not do it.

IF one is breaking things make sure next time you will not do it.

If one interrupts the other ....

 

In general focus more on how to find ways to solve things than ways to prove to each other that your side was the right one.

Make sure that whatever you agree to not do again after a fight, is kept as a promise at ALL COSTS.

 

Next time you see a fight is about to start, lower your voice to the minimum, take a calming tone and speak as if you are talking to a little kid, while you try to solve things in a civilized way. Just try it and see how it goes.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Check out these two books:

 

1. Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs

2. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray

[baby_k]

Did think long what to respond as I find this topic to be pretty important for well, anyone.

 

I think there is difference between arguments that are always about same thing == these nonresolvable things and then that you just start the arguing loop over something random.

 

If you argue about same thing, you need to sort it obviously. Sometimes the end result is that you both hate the guts of the other persons quality a or b. But you also know those won't change so you need to learn to accept them and live with those.

 

If it is about something random but it repeats a lot suddenly, I would assume there is something going on. Maybe it is stress, maybe some hidden unsolved issue or feeling of not being cared or appreciated. It requires lot of self awarness to understand where one's emotions are goming and what is their cause.

 

What often happens with relationships that there is few specific "negative circles/loops" . So, when things are not going well between the partners, people react in not so constructive ways. This can mean complaining, critisising, leaving the situation, exploding, getting angry, not listening, stopping the convo, yelling, demanding attention, sinking into own thoughts, pointing finger and putting blame,  get distant, saying something nasty..... Manymany different things which some are harder maybe to see as negative.

The thing is that when people do those things, their partner will react, and that makes the other one react even more and the tail spin is ready.

 

You could try to fill this "template":

The more I ____________, the more you __________.

And then, the more you ________, the more I ____________, and so we are in the negative loop.

 

Figuring out the negative circles you have in your rel will help you to stop those and communicate and act in better manner.

 

For example:

The more I feel ignored or rejected, the more I complain, demand, control and criticise.

The more dangerous I seem in your eyes, the more you defend yourself and close up.

 

These also brings out our most fragile and painful points. For some people it may be taht they are left alone, to some not being good enough.

You can try to figure out what are the triggers that make you feel vulnerable, what are the things that make you be on alert.

What are the worst thought you have on that moment? What is the scariest thing you think of your partner on that moment? This could be something along the lines of "he does not care", "I failed at this", "we are gonna break up".

What does an argument make you feel, what is the "softer" feeling behind it all? Lonely, ignored, worthless, scared, hopeless, panicky, hurt, abandoned, ashamed, isolated, worried, vulnerable, confused....?

 

Now the question is: are you showing that emotion of vulnerability to your partner? If not, what you show to them?

 

These things can maybe help you see where it sort of goes wrong and how you can HELP yourself and ALSO your partner to cope in the situation because both of you are bringing something into the circle. Have empathy over their fears that are triggered with the arguments. Seeing how your actions and emotions are affecting hte other person's emotions and actions. It can help you to stop the negative circle.

 

It is also beneficial to think that you are there TOGETHER fighting against that negative loop and not fighting each other.

 

 

You may also want to fill this "template":

When I'm afraid that _________________, I need that _______________.

-When you tell me that you need __________, it wakens the following feeling in me: __________________.

 

For example:

When I'm afraid that you reject me and I don't matter to you, I need you to stay with me when there is issues and not leave the room without saying a word.

 

-When you tell me that you want to feel that you are enough to me and that you want to be important to me, it wakens the following feeling in me: confusion and difficulty to understand that you could even think that I would ever reject you or that you are not important to me because I always try to make sure you know I love you and you are the most special thing in my life. Only now I start to understand that how I withdraw in our fights actually makes you feel even more strongly that I don't care about you. And now I understand that only being there in same room is enough for you, it is sort of relief.

 

These things may help you to talk of the "real issues" and how to really stop your negative circles.