In distress and in need of advice

[Advice_always_needed]

Hello, I have just signed up to this site but have been stalking around for some time trying to better understand ddlg relationships and searching for advice but have reached a point where I have go ask for it myself

 

To start off this might become a bit of a ramble since I have a tendency to do that which is one of my problems but I hope some of it at least makes sense...

 

I have been with my adorable little for about one and a half year now however we have only loved together for a year. We met online and by a stroke of luck lived in the same country. In the start everything went well but as we were about to move together things happened in my life that made me go down with stress.. this happened as she made the move to come live with me in a new city.

 

She suffers from anxiety and depression and the move was very hard for her but it seemed the best move at the time since I already had a long commute to where I'm doing my degree as well as other factors such as being able to find a job for easily which I felt was important so that I could take care of her..

 

However after we moved together everything just went down hill. It was a really hard time because I was struggling with recovering from the stress and looking back probably also a minor depression while trying to make sure we had money enough by working

 

In the mean time she was struggling trying to fit into this new place, with no friends or family around and then having to watch me struggle as well was really hard for her and I hate myself for putting her through that in the end she just retreated into herself spending most of her time in bed sleeping and completely unable to find her way into little space

 

I tried making it easier by waking up every morning making her breakfast so I was sure she was eating, following her to and from school as much as work allowed it, cuddled her to sleep every night even at the expense of my own sleep but at the same time I made many mistakes some huge other small but all of then hurting her when she was already in a vulnerable state

 

Mistakes like not letting her be sad and alone because I was to busy to notice or just did not know what to do to make her smile again.. because all the things that used to work does not work anymore and if I ask her what might help she either can't tell me or if she does and I then do it then it is 'forced' and just makes her angry or more sad

 

This is my first relationship ever so also the first time being a caregiver but still I don't feel that is an excuse... and looking back I have nothing but regret from having moved her from her old place

 

I was not strong enough and I failed her but she still stays with me and sometimes I don't understand why.. I love her with all my heart and nothing makes me happier then seeing her happy I love waking up and making sure she gets breakfast and have enough water even if I'm tired I love cuddling her every night until she falls asleep

 

However in the end I don't have her trust anymore she has told me as much. I have to change but she does not believe I can be a daddy because she keeps saying it does not come natural to me which I do not agree with but whenever we argue I feel nothing I say matters...

 

Finally after months of trying we moved back to her old city and although she is a lot happier over all then there are still huge problems

 

Being a caregiver 24/7 is hard I don't want to complain but I'm still amazed at some of the people here that seem to manage it all the time and I feel my inexperience is a huge problem... washing clothes, shopping, making breakfast and following her to the bus stop, walking the dog, cuddling her to sleep at night and spending time with her in the day are all things I love doing because it makes me feel needed but I feel I lack when it comes to the intimate side and emotionally side which is probably the most important..

 

I have never been a very talkative person at least not in person and I over think stuff a lot and is a person that run my response through my head a million times before answering and some times I say things in a way that she interpretes wrong which is my fault for not being more clear..

 

She is very emotional and have mood swings she is also blunt and brutally honest but very loyal and sweet and adorable as well as smart and she is very good at reading people

 

 

this makes it hard when she is sad and angry at me because she can be very harsh when she is sad and angry compared to me who is pretty quiet until I actually get angry and I feel I have a hard time getting a say or getting heard and when I do I feel I just get dismissed

 

But also especially because I feel that I lost all of my self confidence when I broke down with stress and have yet to regain it...

 

I'm the problem... I'm the one that has to change.. but I don't know how and I also do not know if I'm able to by myself in the time she wants me to change..

 

Lately other then me cuddling her to sleep we have not been very intimate and I'm also always the one initiating it she keeps saying she does not feel wanted and that I don't show that I desire her but I'm not always sure about how she want me to show it.. she wants everything to happen naturally but she herself show no signs of interest and when I try I mostly just get dismissed or she does not notice or ignore it I'm not sure and when I make it really obvious she sometimes just say she is too tired or get irritates

 

She also feels I do not prioritise her enough over other things and while I do play a lot of games she is almost always playing with me and even if I ask if she wants to do something else like watch a movie or take a walk she just says no or does not have an idea of what she wants to do but sometimes i feel she is very unfair towards me especially one time where she told me that me moving to her old city and therefore commuting 6 hours a few times a week does not matter anymore as a thing I have done for her because it was a while ago that we moved...but I still commute at least 2-3 times a week and that made me sad which is another problem i have which is that I get sad instead of being strong no matter what happens or what she says to me..

 

She is amazing and I love her and I just want to be a better caregiver to her.. she helped me a lot when I tired to get out of my stress and I did not help her enough and still don't but I have a hard time figuring out the problems and how to fix them communication is key but the talks have happened and now I just have to somehow change so that i can be there for her...

 

How do you all manage your ddlg relationships and how do you get you little back into little space after a very long time I could use all the advice you are willing to give me... I'm sorry it's such a long post but it has all been bottled up inside me and trying to make it all har sense is hard

 

Sincerely a distressed and confused caregiver

[ChamomileTea]

Firstly, and I don't want this to sound rude, but it sounds like you need to find some happy medicine for your little. There is a very affordable herb called St Johns Wort that I take for my happy medicine as part of my vitamins. It helps because I am prone to some mood swings and my emotions aren't always so nice to me.

Second, maybe you could try to write things out to her instead of talking, because sometimes our words don't come out the way we think they do, and it is a little easier to sometimes write things out. Then you can go back and look/see what is going on. Maybe you could make her an emotions journal? Like put bars and a color code for her moods so she can track them, too. 

It sounds like you have a fairly stable routine of sorts. I'm not sure how to help you get her back into little space, but I know my Daddy and I used to always send each other the little cute picture things showing what a CGL relationship is like. I love my stuffy Max, and he helps me feel better when Daddy is gone. I don't know that I'm gonna be very helpful on this front, though, because I'm pretty much in constant little/middle space when Daddy is around, and esp when I get cuddles.

 

I don't think the matter is that you "did't do enough" but I think that maybe it wasn't what she was expecting to do. Maybe ask your little if she feels resentful towards helping you get through your stress. I know I harbored resentment towards my biological parents when we lost our house and had to move into a small cruddy dumb apartment.... neither here nor there tho.

Does she have any little friends? Or does she have a cute outfit she likes to wear? 

 

I hope something helps and you get your sweet happy little back. 

[Tinka]

This post made me cry.

 

i was a little which changed country to go to be with a caregiver we were 2 years long distance relationship. and we lived 2 more years together.

We have broken up 2 weeks and 5 days. 

 

Your story has so many things that resembles ours. 

I had come broken, with anxiety and depression, he was struggling with work and to make it all happen.

I had no friends there, he would try to comfort me.

I would kinda ask him to make me happy , when neither of us knew the way to happiness.

 

After 4 years , we decided to break up.

There is unlimited love, but there is nothing that feels right.

My depression was cured next to him. But my anxiety and panic were having a party on me. 

I couldnt function. I would sleep a lot of hours, i would feel my stress will break the roof and be unleashed on everything. 

It was weird. 

 

I wish we would have stayed together , but unfortunately (and that what is making me angry these days and i cant deal with it) some times things are not meant to happen.

If something is so hard and so stressful, then its not right. 

 

The difference with your story (and what is pissing me off with your little, a LOT) is that she left everything on your shoulders.

The fact that someone is a little doesn`t mean she will FUCK UP THE LIFE OF A MAN 24/7 and everytime i see such a little , i slap the air.

She needs to take care of you. She needs to cook and clean and take care of things in the house, while you provide for her emotionally and financially. 

If not, she will drain the absolute f@ck out of you and leave you as a zombie. 

 

Also i learned that people cant make us happy, if we cant make us happy.

She waits for you to cure her depression and anxiety FOR HER. 

She wouldnt know how to function to these things herself...!

She blames you for the self development that she hasn`t done for herself.

 

Go away , find your self. Let her find herself too.

Being caregiver does not equal being a slave, emotionally and physically and financially. 

Its a nice roleplaying game for a couple, it is a way of life but not against a man! 

This is a form of abuse against a man. Do not accept it. 

Edited November 25, 2018 by Tinka

[Lola Step]

Seeing as there were alot of requests for advice in there I think I'll just latch onto the one I feel like I have the most experience with which is how you say that you love doing things for your little but struggle with the emotional side and I just have to say that this is me all over with basically every relationship and platonic relationship I have ever had. To this day I have to constantly explain to even my own mother why I have trouble telling her I love her etc; the way I explain it is that I just show my love in different ways. It use to make me feel like a horrible person but a while ago I read something (on this site actually) about how everybody has a different 'love language' (the way they give and receive love) and it made me feel ALOT better to know that there were people out there like me who also preferred to show their love through acts of service and oppose to verbal affirmations. I would definitely encourage you to explain the idea of 'love languages' to your little, perhaps even get her to do the test which lets you know what way you best like to receive love (although reading your post I would guess her's is positive affirmations), and see how you guys go and practicing giving love in each other's 'language'. It all sounds corny and complicated I know but basically it's just learning how you like to be loved and letting your partner know, good luck with everything and I hope you guys will be ok

[Guest Naturalselectionissexy]

I had no idea DDlg has turned into sfLG (slave for little girl). This whole caregiver thing has gotten way out of control.

 

I would get rid of her quickly, she sounds horrible. How could you do so much for her with nothing in return? Your well being should never be sacrificed on a daily basis for this person. Personally I would move back for my job and tell her it is her responsibility to make things work and to come see you three times per week like you have done for her. I think we both know the results from that in advance...

 

Final thoughts, never be a floor mat again with anyone. Why do you think it's okay to be treated like this as a man?

[baby_k]

I have been in similar situation as you are, just in the role of your little. We were in our twenties, so still kids, so both of us were pretty lost.

As others have said, love languages are some really important consepts. Back then only think I knew was that I was not happy, I did not feel cared or loved, I didn't feel like priority. It made me pretty paralysed but also I shrugged off any complains he had as I had so hard time fuctioning that any extra stress or issues I just refused to listen because I was not coping even without them.

 

I'm more about saving relationships than tossing them away when they are not working, so I would suggest you to talk to your little. Reserve a good time for it when neither one of you is tired nor hungry ( always feed people before hard topics >_> Trust me on this one ). Ask her to save that day for your relationship maintenance work because you can clearly see that she is unhappy and it needs to stop. This will show effort from your side and that you are trying to help HER. You could also ask when suggesting this that would she want a change in your relationship, so you can get her more on board over things you will talk. Creating commitment taht way is pretty mportant as things seem to be really infected between you too, so there probably is a lot of hurt and bad blood which can cause explosions.

 

How I see this is that she is stuck in some emotions. And there is technique you can use with people who are emotional: you listen to them as long as they need, you tell with your own words what they just said ( so they feel understood ), you validate their feelings based on their EXPERIENCE ( "yes, if someone would do x to me, I would be upset and feeling neglected too" ). This calms pretty much any person down and then you can actually talk rationally. She may not be upset but I feel she has emotions still that make her stay in sort of non rational state.

 

If I was you, I would take the leadership of the talk you have. Your role is to guide her through it which may not be easy tbh.

At first is good to define WITH her what is the actual issue. Seems you have some idea but it is not clear. That's okay, it happens a lot to people. But put even the bit unclear ideas of to paper and then try to make it into one two sentence thing even if she would list millions of issues. See what is the common factor there.

Based on what you say seems it is her not feeling loved and cared. Try to avoid starting to tell her that she is wrong and you do this and this to her. Instead listen to her, try to understand and validate what she feels because her feelings are always correct. You may have not meant to make her feel bad, quite the opposite but fact is that she still feels that way as her view to things is different. Doesn't mean she is factually correct but how she sees things make major impact of how she feels. So, for example if she says that you don't care for her, say something like "okay, could you give me some examples of situations that show lack of care, so I can better understand what you really mean as seems we have lot of miscommunication going on here and I want to really know how you see things and then fix them". Then if she gives you example like "you didn't tell me good night on Monday", just validate that. Explain with your own words what has happened in HER VIEW and how it probably made her feel. Then ask if you are correct and did you get it right.

Then define what is the out come you both want and write it also on paper. This is probably something like "she feeling loved". I would avoid at this point yet to talk how you want the rel to be in the end ( like "both feeling happy, sharing house work equally ). I don't think she can see it yet or even think about it and you need to dismantle first the mental/emotional blockage she has got over the time, probably when she had to move and things weren't just dancing on roses. However, this you only focusing on her needs needs to be TEMPORARY. When you get the worst pain off there, you need to have this same talk so that you talk of how the rel really should work and what you also need. But to take all those things to same convo, I think will only cause harm as it makes the topic too big and she seems to be in some sort of lock state.

 

I advice same as others already have: take the love language test and discuss about it. She does not know what she wants and that happens specially with young people that it can be hard to pin point what she needs as she would need to learn that first. Also suggestion of mood diary is good because that way you can make her see that the situation is not working and maybe you notice some pattern there. However I'm not sure if she would be commited to do the mood diary BEFORE the mental block she has is torn apart.

 

May be so that first convo doesn't go anywhere but at least you have got something on paper you both sort of agree. Then try again and learn what went wrong the last time. Explain her also that "last time situation got out of hand as... I try to prevent it now with xxxx. I wish you could try to do yyy, so we could try to solve this and make you happy again". Again, talk of her happiness and needs, so she is more likely to work with you.

 

The rel I had ended up in break up. We could have maybe got it working bit more had we known about the love languages ( he brought me gifts when I would have needed time ), had we both known ourselves better, had I somehow got rid of the paralysation I had got. But in the end we were still too different and I doubt we had made each other happy in long run still.

Could be also with you two that there is no other way than break up, so you both can grow as people. Others here have said that you act like floor mat. Well, some truth in it but wars and fights are avoided with understanding and bigger person can bend a bit for greater good. Don't still stay in rel that you cannot save and just ends up breaking you both mentally. Try to fix it but also understand that in the end you both need to work in the rel. If she is not with you trying to save what you had, you have to eventually let it go. But also try to understand that atm she does not seem to be able to equally try to do anything. It's not fair but it is life.

[Advice_always_needed]

To add a few more things because I have now reread what have been written and what i wrote and can see that i forgot somethings probably because it became a ramble and i was pretty down when i wrote it. Its not that she does not do anythingg first of all, she cooks dinner, cleans the apartment and makes shopping lists for me to follow when shopping. second its not all bad times and sometimes the communcation work which is why I personally still feel it is worth figthing for to make it work because i really love her.

 

She came very damaged which is why she has almost all of her problems but if you look past the mood swings and emotinal outbursts of anger then she is truly a sweet, caring and amazing person. She has also gotten a lot better on the neediness front not expecting me to do everything 24/7 this was in the period where she was so crippled with anxity to even leave the apartment most days. We have also had some talks and yesterday we actually finally had one i feel was productive and it made me and her feel better especially because it seemed she had her head above water and was able to see that some of her anger outbursts was non-rational and she apologized for that.

 

On the note about letting her treat me this way i feel that because i know they are mostly non-rational emotion outbursts (even if it still hurts) and all the other times she does love me and show affection then i feel it balance out a little and since i have hurt her as well then i would rather try to fix the relationship then abandon it  

 

I'm glad about the advice of love language and mood diary's and i'll attempt to work with those to see if they can help improve things while i also work on other things relating to myself because some of the things I do also need to change so that she feels cared for and loved. I'm also really happy to learn that others have had similar problems sometimes you can feel that everyone else have the perfect relationship and that yours just does not work for some reason.. I know she has felt that way especially if she has been looking around on forums like this. 

Thank you for the advice so for and if anyone else have anymore I would appricate it