Black Girl Needs Event Advice

[princessfreckles]

So I regularly go to events into my local kink community. I average about 3-4 events per month.  I'm used to being one of the only, if not the only black person in the room. It's nothing new for me. And the organizers have always made me feel welcome and comfortable. I love that I'm learning a lot about my little side and other interests I may have. However there have been some incidents that have really turned me off from certain people. 

 

At one munch (after the organizer had to leave early due to a family emergency) and older man in his late 60s/early 70s made some comments using outdated terms for black people. There was another black woman and we just made eye contact shocked that he would even say it. He also used some super outdated terms when talking about other groups of people.

 

More recently I was at a ddlg event yesterday and a young Daddy aged 19 said the only reason the previous president made it through school was due to his white half. Meanwhile I'm over here a black woman with a bachelor's degree. 

 

In both cases I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin the positive atmosphere and bring the vibe down. However, I want to say something because it does bother me and make me uncomfortable.

 

So when it does inevitably happen again, what should I do or say? Should I approach the event organizer privately and talk to them? Should I confront the person right when it happens even though I hate confrontations? 

 

Let me be clear in saying that the people who are making these snide comments were not the organizers of these kink events, they're merely attending. 

 

[Guest h o n e y]

If someone is cruel enough to say such things, I would personally avoid them, but I would definitely talk to the organizers. Behavior like that is not acceptable and everyone deserves to feel welcome and comfortable! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you don't let it get to you. People who say stuff like that are too stupid to be taken seriously.

 

I'm sending you love and good energy! 

[LittleCelticLass]

First, congrats on earning your degree! That's excellent.

Secondly, I would speak directly to the offending person. Unfortunately, they are only expressing an opinion or making poor word chooces, and outdated or not, the event organizer can't really keep them from doing so. If someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, it's your job to speak up and say something. Otherwise, the uncomfortable behavior is likely to persist.

[SamL]

So when it does inevitably happen again, what should I do or say? Should I approach the event organizer privately and talk to them? Should I confront the person right when it happens even though I hate confrontations? 

 

 

You should bring me with you.  Just once.  

[LittleBunnyCici]

You definitely need to have a frank conversation with the event organizers and moderators about any offending behavior.  Most socials and events have a very strict policy regarding hate-speech and discrimination, and if such a policy is in place it's their responsibility to enact it.  But they can't act on what they don't know.

 

If you see other regular women of color going to these events that can and are willing to also testify towards the behavior, it's definitely worth taking the time to discuss the situation with them before you approach the organizers.  If you can present a united front, that will hold more weight than one or two scattered reports.

 

Whatever you decide to do, remember that the defining culture of all BDSM related activities - and this includes CG/l - is Safe, Sane, Consensual.  You have a right to be a part of this community and engage in it without being belittled or abused because of the color of your skin.  Racist words never stay as just words, and anyone who tries to tell you differently is hoping to leave you vulnerable to being taken advantage of.  So if you approach the organizers and they refuse to take action or to take your complaints seriously, it's definitely time to be looking for a new event to start going to.  Or maybe do some research on it and start your own, if/when you're ready!

[Alaskan Daddy]

First let me say I am sorry this happened to you. You might be dealing with ignorant people who don't really know how their ignorance affects you or they may be outright bigots.  My life experience has taught me that are two things you can do when confronted with something like what has happened to you.

The first thing is to ignore it and not allow it to control you if you don't feel comfortable enough to confront them. The other thing is to gently talk to these people privately and tell them how their words made you feel. I would almost bet that these people really don't know how hurtful their words can be. If this should happened again and you feel brave enough to confront them, ask them to explain their thoughts. You may find out that you have a chance to change peoples hearts. I hope this helps.

[MysticSand]

Yikes! It's always the weirdest thing where you go somewhere expecting people to be open minded given, it's already a kink event, and then... nope. I mean, I know there's always going to be different strokes for different folks and not everyone has the same mentality on everything, but... yikes!

 

I probably would've been a little personally offended and insulted if I were there as well. As me, I would have moved away since as others have stated, people will have their opinions and thoughts. It does make a difference though whether they were saying their comments in private conversation (and you just happened to be in ear shot) or if they were belting it out preaching style (though I doubt this since their comments would've likely made others uncomfortable as well).

 

I personally wouldn't confront anyone with such opinions unless they were talking directly to me (or another person of color) in such a manner. It's more something to either just take a breath and walk away from, or talk to the event organizer to ask them make it more explicit that such events are made to be safe spaces for everyone. I think it's just too much a risk to directly confront someone about their speech/behavior since it'll likely result in a negative experience -- and will, unfortunately, likely have a longer and more lasting negative effect on you than on the other people since you'll be the one remembered in future events given you don't blend in as well as another white face at such events. ><

 

I know, it really stinks and is likely not what you want to hear or how you want to react. But, my opinion on this is to better be safe than sorry. I want you to have good experiences at future events and confronting the few spoiled apples may very well have lasting adverse effect for you. Ugh. There's no good solution, and I'm sorry that you experienced this. I hope that in the future others will speak up so that you don't have to.

[Guest MaddyGirl]

Congratulations on your achievements as well as creating whole self balance for yourself as a little. You’re already ahead of the game! (fist-bump)

 

Having said that I also have spent nearly my entire life in non-intersectional spaces and I’m happy to share what has helped me cope with the issues that inevitably brings.

 

*offers you a chilled juice box and sits cross-legged on the floor of my blanket fort with you*

 

For the love of all that’s little don’t talk yourself out of feeling bad about what happened. Pain, disappointment and anger can’t be released if they never make it to the surface.

 

Focus on your personal agency and always author your own narratives. You’re there because you want to be and because you deserve to be. Tattoo this on your heart.

 

Practice self-care. This is invaluable when the world around you doesn’t want to change. Experience negativity? Balance the scales with a new stuffie or dance in your footie pj’s while you bake cookies - celebrate you!

 

Go to the source. Confronting individuals who negatively impact your experience will almost certainly have a risk/reward ratio that is passive/aggressive at best and threatening at worst. Better to take your concerns to the event organizers who have implicitly agreed to give you a positive experience in exchange for your attendance/participation. When this doesn’t happen you have every right to initiate that discussion. You’d be surprised how many organizers assume they’ve created safe spaces and will be grateful you’ve brought certain things to their attention. Follow these conversations up with an email. Always.

 

If you’re comfortable with the idea use a negative experience as a vehicle that moves you into active leadership roles. This could be an empowering move that lets you tap into your own reserves of creativity, ingenuity and inclusiveness. Be the change!

 

Take some comfort from the fact that your presence is making it easier for the next person of color. And the next. And the, okay, you get it lol.

 

In the meantime thank you for this post - all the hugs and please keep us updated!

❤️ ❤️ ❤️