Why do they lie

[PrincessSnorlax]

i know i haven't posted for a whilst   things aren't going to well for me. over the past few weeks I've found out my cg has been lying to me. nothing overly serious but things that stilll hurt me deeply. he promised he would stop it and stop hiding things from me. I've struggled for weeks to get into little place because of this and had many meltdowns out of fear i would never be able to feel little again due to this broken and damaged trust. well just has i started to feel comfortable again and my little side started coming through and i felt comfortable to be little again, i found out his behaviour hadn't changed, he was still behaving the same and still keeping stuff from me. when i confronted him on it he just basically said it was with the thought of me he had being doing these things even tho i specifically asked him not to because it makes me really sad. he's out with his friends tonight and knowing I've been so upset and hurt he's just continued to message me demanding i talk then refused to reply. I've been big and brave and told him i don't want him to come tonight because he will have had the boozes and i don't like it fuelled with this argument. it also makes me sad that he's stayed out knowing im hurt and upset. sometimes it just feels like minimal effort and words, but then other times he makes me feel like i am his whole world. this isn't the first ddlg/bdsm relationship for either of us, so you can't use inexperience etc as an excuse, and also the general rule of thumb in any relationship is not to be a complete nob i don't even know what i expect people to say. i guess im just looking to vent as i can't always openly talk to my friends about everything as they don't know both sides to me. i just feel like he isn't being a very good daddy at all at the moment i guess. and im scared because i don't want to lose him. especially given we live together and have a family together.

[Guest Loyal_Daddy21]

It seems pretty vague as to what he appears to be lying about, if you're comfortable talking about it could you go into more detail? I've had a past little (long distance) lie to me in quite a few different circumstances and it ended up she was cheating on me and all the small lies made sense to me after the fact. I'm not saying that's the case here, but it is a possibility.

If he knows it upsets you when he lies and he's still doing it he must have a motive behind it, do you have any suspicion as to what that is?

Edited November 17, 2018 by Loyal_Daddy21

[Guest Aetherr]

based on what you said i would be at the very least taking them aside for a serious chat, but you seem to have done that already and i know its hard and easier said than done but he has consistenly showed he does not care about your feelings.... i would dump them tbh

[PrincessSnorlax]

[PrincessSnorlax]

[APTX]

Maybe the both of you need to face reality and accept you're on a ship that's about to sink.

You could try repairing it, but it requires two adults, maturity, open, honest, and heartfelt discussion on the matter and willing to listen to each other while coming to a solution/compromise.

Otherwise this will be the end, no matter how much you stall the inevitable, it'll only pile up and get worse and may even affect people around you. Think about your family, assuming you have both have children too.

 

It appears to me when it comes to communicating your problems, especially on this subject, it either ends up in some heated argument, or avoidance of getting in an argument from him.

Apparently, and from my point of view, there are certain needs you both have which you both seem to feel they are lacking in your relationship hence the behavior and reactions that follow.

 

You both need to seriously listen to each other and deal with this problem together. It's about you both, not just you, or him. Your feelings are valid as much as his.

From your words your trust in him has been broken and damaged, how bad is it though? Is it just because he can't keep his words to you, or you wouldn't trust him near another woman?

Do you see yourself always doubting him from now on, perhaps going through his stuff just to find some dirt on him? Because somewhere you just "know it" he's doing things behind your back again?

Hopefully you will realize it's going to have a huge impact if someone who continues to feel like this throughout the remainder of their relationship. That may be just another indicator this relationship may be doomed already.

 

I think the problem may lay in his needs. Let me explain this to you first, there are couples who uses sexually depicted images to express their fantasy towards their partner. Whether it's certain actions or what they are wearing.

He may have shared this kind of level of intimacy with his previous partner(s), but with you it's not the same, it may have to do with his sexual needs.

You said in one of your messages he didn't have a motive or explanation, while it felt more like it was an explanation you just couldn't accept and find yourself in.

He thinks of you wearing certain outfits in a seductive manner when it comes to sexual activities, perhaps it's something he really desires and wish from you.

Maybe he suffers from some dead-bedroom situation, feels the relationship turned too much vanilla, so he finds his needs from images/porn, but still thinks of you.

No idea, how much sexually active you guys are, it's not my business either as it's something private, but talk it out and you may find the root of the problem.

 

I'm not taking sides here, I don't know either of you and just giving advice based on what's written here and my own thoughts.

Not sure if any of it would help, but thought I'd just write it down. I sincerely hope the both of you can figure this out!

[PrincessSnorlax]

Maybe the both of you need to face reality and accept you're on a ship that's about to sink.

You could try repairing it, but it requires two adults, maturity, open, honest, and heartfelt discussion on the matter and willing to listen to each other while coming to a solution/compromise.

Otherwise this will be the end, no matter how much you stall the inevitable, it'll only pile up and get worse and may even affect people around you. Think about your family, assuming you have both have children too.

 

It appears to me when it comes to communicating your problems, especially on this subject, it either ends up in some heated argument, or avoidance of getting in an argument from him.

Apparently, and from my point of view, there are certain needs you both have which you both seem to feel they are lacking in your relationship hence the behavior and reactions that follow.

 

You both need to seriously listen to each other and deal with this problem together. It's about you both, not just you, or him. Your feelings are valid as much as his.

From your words your trust in him has been broken and damaged, how bad is it though? Is it just because he can't keep his words to you, or you wouldn't trust him near another woman?

Do you see yourself always doubting him from now on, perhaps going through his stuff just to find some dirt on him? Because somewhere you just "know it" he's doing things behind your back again?

Hopefully you will realize it's going to have a huge impact if someone who continues to feel like this throughout the remainder of their relationship. That may be just another indicator this relationship may be doomed already.

 

I think the problem may lay in his needs. Let me explain this to you first, there are couples who uses sexually depicted images to express their fantasy towards their partner. Whether it's certain actions or what they are wearing.

He may have shared this kind of level of intimacy with his previous partner(s), but with you it's not the same, it may have to do with his sexual needs.

You said in one of your messages he didn't have a motive or explanation, while it felt more like it was an explanation you just couldn't accept and find yourself in.

He thinks of you wearing certain outfits in a seductive manner when it comes to sexual activities, perhaps it's something he really desires and wish from you.

Maybe he suffers from some dead-bedroom situation, feels the relationship turned too much vanilla, so he finds his needs from images/porn, but still thinks of you.

No idea, how much sexually active you guys are, it's not my business either as it's something private, but talk it out and you may find the root of the problem.

 

I'm not taking sides here, I don't know either of you and just giving advice based on what's written here and my own thoughts.

Not sure if any of it would help, but thought I'd just write it down. I sincerely hope the both of you can figure this out!

[PrincessSnorlax]

Thank you for your comment, it has helped me to see things better from his point of view. I wouldn’t like to say the relationship is doomed as everything else is so good, it’s literally just this! I am now however starting to worry maybe I over reacted to something minor and blew it out of proportion maybe? Like I say reading your comment has helped me to see it from a different perspective. I do agree with you tho, we need lots of communication as this is where things maybe lacking. Tbh I think that’s what the plan is tonight. Thank you again for such an in-depth response it has really helped me xxx

[Guest]

For all that is good and wonderful in this f'd up world do not make excuses for person's behavior when they a repeatedly disrespecting your wishes. I do not agree with that advice if you know for certain you have approached him several times to talk about this issue. If your SO is attracted by those types of clothes a d sexuality then that type of attention csn and should be directed at you. Instead of spending his time looking at woman doing something that he finds morally wrong for you to do he could sit you down and talk to you about picking out sexier clothing. You have not expressed anything that should make you question your own very valid feelings. Go around clicking photos of naked men with a body type better than his or in some sexual way, he sure wouldn't like that. I'm ranting so I'll stop because I'm pissed off for you.

 

In a much gentler way you need to think about yourself. If this is so heavy on your mind it can seep into other parts of your relationship. It sounded like it tore you up when I first read this. I will give the best advice I can, you need to be aware of whether you want a change or you want it to stop. If you want a change and that isn't happening than you need to look into yourself and ask will the lack of change take away your happiness, as I said it can seep far into other issues. He's lied, he's made excuses, and he has ignored your feelings. I'm all for saving relationships, but don't break yourself in the process.

Edited November 18, 2018 by Baby_squee

[baby_k]

Good points from everyone who have so far taken part to this.

I'm bit curious to know if thigs have got anywhere from the time you posted this?

 

People always have some reason for their behaviour even they may not be able to express or know it themselves. I think that is one major thing that causes issues in communication, as person A needs an explanation and/or change of view but person B is unable to give any ratinal, logical explanation.

So, in your case you can't understand why he does all those things ( or you need to go with the "only" logical reasoning which would be that the rel has had it's best moments already ) and I don't think you can change the view that his actions are purely nasty towards you unless he can give better reason why it happens. So, you will think and feel only negativity.

 

Entirely different thing is that even after getting somewhat rational explanation to his behaviour: will you accept his behaviour still? It helps when you can understand it but you don't have to approve it. You also may approve and accept something but don't want to take part in it. That is perfetcly valid too. So, if you could understand why your bf does what he does, and you even in general level would think that it is quite alright, you don't have to accept that in your relationship just on the basis that you don't like it.

 

In relationships there is always some sort of compromise happening. You need to respect your partners desires, needs, wants, dislikes and most importantly: limits.

No one else except you can say what your limits are. There is no right or wrong answers in that. Sure, some things are generally more accepted or common than some but this is only about you.

 

I get bit of the feeling that you are now bargaining. Meaning you don't want to loose your relationship and the good things in it, so you are starting to think if you could let some of your needs and limits go. Sometimes it can be a good thing to rethink if the limits and wants we have are really what they should be ( like they might limit us too much or make us loose soemthing really valuable based on some small unnecessary whim ). But like @Baby_squee said: don't break yourself. Don't sell yourself too cheaply. Maybe you can be more flexibal with what you approve but if it comes with the cost of your selfesteem? What you think will happen in long run if you let things go that really seem to harm your psyche? It doesn't matter even if you think something is sort of minor thing if it causes that.

 

Why I find it so hard to reply you is because your situation is really complex: there is a lot of negative issues going on in your relationship. Which is pretty normal when things get bad, stuff just tends to pile up and everything has also side effects. There seems to be trust issues, priority issues, value issues, communication issues, effort issues and so forward. Unfortunately that is life.

 

It is easy to just tell you that he is behaving like an selfish ass if he keeps doing things you have said you don't like and they are harming you. But every once in awhile all of us do that. If he cares about you, he should not do it. There is therefore two possibilities: he either does not care about you enough anymore or he does. Based on his actions I would say he does not care anymore that much but in reality I can't know it: I don't see inside his head. Could be that he just can't see his actions or his needs to do something ike that are just really high.

 

I would still try to talk with him, go through things with paper: write what is the issue ( in your opinion, then ask if he agrees it to be a problem ) and what it causes. Ask from him what you should do now.

 

I have been in similar situation and it ended up in breakup. We just were in the end too different with our needs and wants, and there was too much water under the bridge. I would be happy to hear if you were able to sort it that how you were able to do it. As I think that is possible too, just really hard. But if he is not really putting effort into making you feel UNmiserable and/or there just is no working solution found, you need to protect yourself and not have the unevitable breakup only after you have severy damaged your self.

[PrincessSnorlax]

Last night we had a big sit down and a big talk about it all. There was good points for both of us. He expressed that since me gaining weight I haven’t been “dressing up as much” and that he didn’t want to approach me about it because he didn’t want to damage my already shakey self esteem. He also explained that he wasn’t sitting seeking out such pages or images they was already pages he followed relating to bdsm etc where the images would show up in his news feed and he would just simply double tap. Partially for support to the pages, partially out o admiration. He went on to explain that it wasn’t admiration for the woman/model but simple for the clothing or surroundings as he would picture me. I explained that I feel like I may have blown it out of proportion a tad but it wasn’t so much the fact he had been liking the photos but more to the point it was a behaviour I asked him to stop and he hadn’t. He explained that he didn’t realise just how much it did effect and me and he sincerely apologised for that. He explained that he loves me more than anything and does not want to lose me at all. We sat down with pen and paper and each wrote a new clean set of “rules” for each other with expectations, desires, and limits for each other. I feel a lot better about the situation since having the big talk because I kind of understand a little bit where he’s coming from. Like I understand the liking of the photos it’s just simply I don’t understand why continue after I asked him not too. We have agreed that we do need to communicate more instead of worrying of hurting the other’s feelings (like him not expressing wanting me to dress up more frequently etc) rather than bottling them up.

[PrincessSnorlax]

I just want to add a quick note just to clarify he isn’t a total douche bag and in every aspect of the relationship, wether it be as a family man, or as a dominant there are no problems / concerns. I have no worries of him being unfaithful or anything like that. This is probably one of the only problems I’ve had through the whole relationship. So I wouldn’t agree to say the relationship is failing or anything like that. He puts all his efforts and energies into us and our family and always steps up to his role. It’s purely this one error xxxx

[Guest Aetherr]

He didn’t have a motive or an explanation, just selfishness and also said he liked them because he thought of me in that outfit etc. He’s never messages other girls or anything like that. It’s purely just the likeys on the instagrams I told him he wouldn’t like it if I did that! Or even if I posted those types of photos of myself (because that’s his and his eyes only). He was really apologetic again, but it’s like what’s the need? Why continue to do something what breaks my confidence and makes me feel unsafe?

 

 

i take this as the clearest sign he doesent care, its such a small things why not make the change especially if you told him you hate it..

[PrincessSnorlax]

i take this as the clearest sign he doesent care, its such a small things why not make the change especially if you told him you hate it..

I think it would be a bit harsh to say he doesn’t care as you don’t see everyday with us. Maybe I was wrong for venting here when I was angry and hurt. But I can assure you he does care, if you could see everything else that he does.

[⭐️little.bee⭐️]

my ex lied as well about every stupid thing, doesn't matter if it was financial or for the sake to stay in contact with girls he finds sexy. The sad thing is that I wasn't the only victim to his lies, he lied to his family and friends a lot too. Absolutely toxic. It was my first serious relationship.

Leaving him and forget him was hard as we were together for years but the best choice ever. 

 

 

i don't want to lose him. especially given we live together and have a family together.

 

But if you got family together it gets way trickier, maybe give him a point where he doesn't want to lose you? Give you some selflove instead of destroying yourself with dark thoughts