recognizing red flags? *a lil NSFW*

[Guest jennybaby]

hi everyone,

 

this is gonna sound a little silly but how do i recognize red flags when looking for a caregiver?

 

I haven't been on this site in a while and the reason for that is because I met a couple of people in my quest to find a caregiver who made me feel a bit hesitant about exploring my little side again.

 

But, I'm back and hopefully third time's the charm right?

 

I guess you can say that none of them acted the way I was expecting a caregiver would behave? And what I mean by that is they would only stick around when they want something and leave the minute they get it (e.g. nudes and sexting and stuff).

 

And I don't mind exploring the sexual side of ddlg at all, in fact I really do enjoy it. But shouldn't there be more to it than just that? I'm not expecting them to text me 24/7 but a good morning text once in a while would be nice. Or maybe just a simple update about how their day was going. I'd love to hear about all that.

 

But, what I've experienced so far just leaves me feeling a bit neglected most times and thinking maybe there's something wrong with me or that I'm just being too needy.

 

So, I figured I'd save myself the sad and icky feelings if I can start recognizing some red flags when talking to a potential caregiver.

 

P.S. my past 'relationships' were online, so i guess it made it easier for them to disappear once they've lost interest

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Red Flags for Littles

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/2397-percentage-of-creepy-dd-on-the-internets/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/2520-questions-to-ask-potential-daddys/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/5183-beware-of-bad-daddies/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/6648-what-you-dont-do-when-looking-for-a-little/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/15298-what-are-the-red-flags-for-you/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/15475-how-to-know-if-a-daddy-is-those-good-ones-or-those-bad-ones/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/16540-red-flags-for-littles/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/16866-people-automatically-referring-to-themselves-as-daddy-or-mommy/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/19983-fake-doms-warning-signssafety-etc/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/20270-you-just-met-me-um-dont-say-youre-daddy/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/20510-red-flags/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/21574-tired-of-fake-daddies/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/22073-how-to-tell-someone-is-a-fake-caregiver/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/22350-serious/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/22367-important-quesion-bout-daddys/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/25526-red-flags-for-pushy-doms/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/25752-i-dont-know-what-to-do/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/26410-warning-signs/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/26593-tips-and-warning-signs/

[Tinka]

How about trusting your guts? If something doesnt feel right, then it probably isn`t. 

 

Your ''demands'' are cute and pretty normal, and are basic signs that someone cares about you more than just in times of sexual need.

 

Don`t be afraid to stop communication with people if something that they ask is not of your likes, or they make you feel uncomfortable. 

 

Its the internet , he is not holding a gun on your face, you can say no, bb and delete him. You don`t owe anything to anyone here. 

[APTX]

I guess you can say that none of them acted the way I was expecting a caregiver would behave?

 

You've answered your own question. When it comes to "red flags", it differs for each person.

This community attracts a lot of different people who have different needs and wants and them behaving accordingly to what they seek and desire.

For example some seek a serious relationship, while some seek something temporary, some just want/like the attention, some just a play-partner (sexual or non-sexual), some looking to just get some (financial) support, etc, etc.

 

What may be one's "bad" is to someone else "perfect" in their eyes. Most of the time it's just a compatibility issue.

This is why communication is important, you can express yourself through a personal, your profile, or through communicating with the person, what you're really seeking, the person you are, the do's and don't s, etc.

[TheTrainer]

This is oversimplified and you probably know all this already.

1. Trust your gut.
2. Take. Things. Slowly. Anyone that wants it all now now now and pics and this and that... nope.
3. Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
4. Never compromise your morals.
5. If the person sounds too good to be true, they likely are. No one ticks all the boxes, there is always some relationship differences and that's a healthy thing as you learn to grow assuming it's not something that compromises your morality. Ex: You learn the other person wants to be in a poly relationship AFTER you've fallen for them when they knew that's not something you wanted. They might explain that they only ever had thoughts about it and now they want to try it, but it's against your desires. IF something along those sorts of moral lines occurs, end it. If you compromise your morals for someone elses whim you will regret it, if you force someone else to never explore what they're now interested in they will resent you.

[Guest DaddyDN]

Relationships are a two way street.

If they don't offer any empathy in every day life, red flag

 

You and your future caregiver need to show genuine affection and not dismiss each other's concerns.

 

If you're upset he shouldn't say that's stupid, he should genuinely ask why and try to help. Vice versa too.

 

I won't comment about sex because everyone is different and some people enjoy lots of nudes etc.

[professorx]

The previous replies are all great. To add, I think open communication is the most important, and if a potential partner is not open with you that should be the biggest red flag! As was said above, people are here for different reasons and making sure you share the same relationship goals and feel comfortable is the key.

[-KmD-]

Would be interesting to see red flags towards something other than caregivers, while i understand a large amount is towards advocating protection to the littles, there is also red flags from the opposite side of the spectrum too and something that seems to fly under the radar (would happily be proven wrong with links). As both sides can be as bad as one another with lack of experience and knowledge of the lifestyle and falling under the category of not fitting in which could alert more newer to the lifestyle of what it is actually about and not just what one perceives along with just because one may not fit another's lifestyle may in fact fall under the realm of DDlg but outside of a single persons needs or vice versa. There just seems to be a whole bias towards red flags on care givers (which i do understand under the circumstances) though as most care givers are prone to dealing with the misinterpretation of being a "little" by themselves it often gets over looked for warnings and/or topics, which would be good to see a large change in this lifestyle, especially with recent changes of main stream bdsm and DDlg coming to light and it being a bit of a "fad" for some (not all) where as in the past it was less known and hidden and many are looking at certain shows and movies thinking they know what it is actually about when they really don't....

Edited November 16, 2018 by Kev_WA

[baby_k]

Really good points above.

 

Unfortunately I also do think that there is no easy and fast way to know if someone is any good or not -except to get to know them.

 

What helps is YOU knowing yourself, what you want, what you tolerate, what you don't accept or tolerate at all, what is immoral or bad, what is decent behaviour in your opinion and so forward. Because most issues are about compatibility as others have said.

 

Some things just are just nono ( you can find those from the links Sachita put there ) but mainly you can't judge a person based on one single thing. We all have bad days, we make mistakes, we are yet to learn/understand something... So, I'm pretty sure any person gives out "red flags" sometimes.

 

What is essential is that you are able to notice when things are not going to right direction. This is the point when you need to really know your own values and ideas, so you won't slide to "oh, but with him it is okay this once...". Bad relationships are not absolutely bad immediately ( or they will be ex relationships in no time and no issue ) but they form and grow unhealthy over time. It is like frog in boiling water ( even biologists probably can tell you that frase is not true in real world ). It can be hard to see your relationship objectivly, and normally when you reach for other people for help/advice, you already know things are not going great. But by knowing yourself well, you have less risk for it.

 

You can also go through what you want/don't want and try to figure if there is any indication that would give you hint whether person is that or not. Like people who just want nudes: most are not patient enough to just wait and chat intensily with you for half a year. Meaning if you don't share nudes immediately, you can avoid those people.

 

And as most things are about compatibility: communicate a lot, and listen even more. That way you will find out if the two of you match.

[SamL]

this is gonna sound a little silly but how do i recognize red flags when looking for a caregiver?

 

This is hardly silly, and I wish more people (on both sides of the equation) would ask this more often.  There's one point that has been made in the comments thus far that I really agree with - and one that I don't necessarily agree with.  baby_k said, "What helps is YOU knowing yourself..."  Absolutely, couldn't agree more.  In fact, without that piece of the puzzle, I'm not a big fan of the advice to 'go with your gut'.  Too often, people with unresolved issues mistake misplaced fear with 'gut instinct'.  For instance, one of my abusers was a priest.  After that experience, my 'gut' told me to run from every priest - when clearly not all of them were dangerous.  

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Would be interesting to see red flags towards something other than caregivers

As far as I am aware, we've only had one topic like this on the site: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/16410-red-flags-for-dominants

 

Maybe you could start one? I would be interested in learning what cgs consider red flags.

[chateautal]

My pontification as a caregiver:

Being into the sexual side is not a red flag in its own right- since many people in the lifestyle do crave the physical so much as the emotional connection. It’s only a sign that a match won’t be great if that’s *all* the wouldbe suitor wants to talk about- or the only conversation they’re capable of having, without any thought as to what you’re looking for, or ignoring any other topics you bring up. Even then, that doesn’t make them predator - more a bad fit for someone looking for something deeper, and may leave you feeling used and abused.

Even as a CG this applies- we too get approached by women who are only interested in the idea of rough sex with someone they can call “daddy” during it. (Or to chat about this, get off, and vanish. I never knew this happened to men too until recently ). CGs also get used for emotional labour: some people are looking for a person who is going to drag them through life and make all the hard decisions for them, sort out all their problems - but with no regard to the happinesses or stresses of their caregiver. The problem is any kind of “using” people exclusively for some physical or emotional purpose without any care as to the real human being underneath.

Personally (and I have the luxury as a man of being more concerned with emotional rather than physical threats): I prefer more to think in terms of “green flags”. Think: is a this a person who you could be friends with if there was no kink involved at all? Do you have much to say to each other? Do you like each other as humans? Shared hobbies or interests or outlooks on life? If this is the case, then any kink relationship added on top of it (even all the way down to a deep ddlg dynamic) has a much firmer foundation - since it will be done together for each other rather than selfishly for oneself.

Edited January 6, 2019 by chateautal