I'm a little but the breadwinner

November 11, 2018

Im struggling with balancing being and feeling little with being the breadwinner in our family.

When I met my daddy I was on disability and only working part time. Im now a 911 dispatcher full time and daddy stays at home with my kiddo (not his biological child) I find myself feeling resentful at times that I don't get to be in little space like I used to. Daddy is amazing and keeps the house running and I love Love LOVE my job.

How do I find balance? How do I tell daddy im feeling this way? He's amazing and I know he will listen but adult me tells little me im being ridiculous. Help!!

November 11, 2018

I have no idea about the little part but I would tell him to get a job! If you want him at home with the kiddo he can still get a remote or online position.

Even if I made a million a year I would still expect my partner to contribute financially, at the very least in order to support themselves.

November 11, 2018

Despite not having any direct experience I must say that, as with everything in the cgl community it’s cut and paste for everyone.

As with any parenthood it’s good to have some time for the parents away from their child, grandparents love their grandchildren and they can get you that time you need, also the children having the occasional sleep over at a friends or just a day at a friends can help give you that time. But always make sure to host other kids over for sleepovers and catch ups too.

These times should allow you to gain some time to be little in. Because your SO is a stay at home parent there aren’t as many responsibilities needed to be taken care of in the evening as there is with a couple where both work. So getting all housework or paperwork for you job can be done earlier and time can be spent to allow you to have little time after work in the evenings.

I would assume that being a 911 dispatcher is a difficult job, hearing about situations no one wants to be apart of, and I commend you for that service. I would expect that would sometimes stop you from getting into little space. Each person will have ways of clearing their mind, some try meditation, comfort foods, watching movies. Personally I actually listen to backing tracks from certain movies, personal favourite backing track is by hans Zimmer and was the music in interstellar (fav movie) that is calming to be but it’s not for everyone.

Googling calming techniques offer many other alternatives.

Also teasing yourself to being little can help some people. wearing childish clothing, onesies, dresses or even just underwear can help. If you’re a little who enjoys pacifiers using one of them or even having it in your pocket can prepare people into being little, also plugs, nappies or any other little things you may do when little can help make you get into little space.

Or you could get your caregiver to tease you or something like what I’ve already said.

Like I said it’s cut and paste for everyone but you just need to persevere and you’ll find yourself a way to get into little space better again.

With telling your daddy, someone’s a bullet needs to be bit. You can tell yourself you’re being unreasonable but if you have that thought reoccurring in your head you aren’t being unreasonable. And no one should be able to blame you for wanting to speak up here. Life is about balance and you need balance.

When I’ve talked to my caregivers in the past and want to be serious and have a point that needs to be heard and know as serious I use one of my safewords. I always have two, one that’s a kind of skip button that’s gentle and is to not raise any tensions or problems and my full stop one. I use my skip button (I’m proud of it, it’s “and scene”) when I want to move on or to indicate I’m serious and what I am saying is important.

As I am a switch me speaking up to my caregiver is easier then most Little’s, but speaking up is something that needs to be done, bottling up something is something I don’t like to see in someone. Express yourself.

Your daddy seems like a good daddy keeping the house clean and like any caregiver they won’t be mad at their little for speaking up.

I apologise for the super long message I just get carried away, I think I like to try help too much. Also sorry for this being terribly written.

Don’t forget it’s okay to speak up or ask for help.

November 11, 2018

I have always been the breadwinner in my rels and probably always will be too. It has never bothered me as that is just about money.

You should think what is the actualy thing that bothers you. Is it money? Is it that he has more fun or easier days? Is it not being able to get to little space? Or something entirely different?

I have never had issues witht his topic but my partners have been hard working and had goals in their life. Had I seen them lazy, well, then sh*t would have hit the fan and there would have been serious respect issues.

One thing I can recomend is thinking how things would be if you were alone. Because then you wouldn't have his effort with household stuff and so on, and you would actually have a lot more suff to do. So, try to switch the thinking towards how lucky you are as you get all the things he does "for free". This is also how I have explained my partners sharing costs like with travelling: if I went alone, I would still need to pay car rental, hotel etc. So, I have no issue paying those alone as it doesn't bring me any extra strain. Same with living costs: I anyhow need to pay the bills, having one extra person living there really makes no difference moneywise.

But one thing I would avoid: complaining that you "do everything". Specially for men it can be sensitive topic that their partner is breadwinner even they would not show it. So, unless your issue really is about money, don't talk about it. If the real issue is that you wish to be able to be little more, it is perfectly okay thing to talk about it. But get's nasty if you go "I'm the one who works and gets food to the table and you just have fun even you should be taking care of me and not the otherway round" as that belittles their role, what they do, their input to the family and is imo just taking them for granted.

November 11, 2018

sounds to me like you need to allocate some "you time" be it alone of with your daddy you need some time not to worry about the stresses of life.. money is a worry for literally everyone over the age of 10 and a serious concern for people over the age of 18 that wont ever change you need to learn to cope with it and learn how to switch off to it if you expect to let go and feel little maybe your daddy can help by looking after you more on your days off so you dont need to do much and then you will feel small.. i hope you work something out

also i am not sure why you brought up the fact that your daddy looks after your child and house that doesent strike me as relevant but, you didnt elaboirate on that much it just felt tacked on like his role in your life annoys you or something?

Edited November 11, 2018 by Aetherr

November 11, 2018

In the best way possible.... get over yourself?

You have a full time job that you love. You have a Daddy that loves you and takes care of your home and your child. But because your little time is cut down... suddenly these positives in your life don't matter? Because it really sounds like that to me.

It sounds a lot like you're resentful of the fact that he does stay home and you work. But it's not like he's doing nothing. He will have his own stresses from looking after your kid and generally just keeping the house.

That's not to say you don't have stresses either. But my point is, it's not his fault alone.

It's up to both of you, as both Daddy and little to make time for little space. You can't just expect to get home from work and suddenly you get to be in little space. You have to find a way to fit it into your lives. It's not on just him.

So yeah... I guess "get over yourself" sounds harsh...but get over yourself. You need to speak to your Daddy as a grown up. Tell him you are resentful and that you need more little time. If you can't communicate how you feel to your partner, then frankly, you shouldn't be in a relationship until you know how. Otherwise, you're just going to have pent up frustrations and you'll end up taking them out on the people you love.

November 11, 2018

sounds to me like you need to allocate some "you time" be it alone of with your daddy you need some time not to worry about the stresses of life.. money is a worry for literally everyone over the age of 10 and a serious concern for people over the age of 18 that wont ever change you need to learn to cope with it and learn how to switch off to it if you expect to let go and feel little maybe your daddy can help by looking after you more on your days off so you dont need to do much and then you will feel small.. i hope you work something out

also i am not sure why you brought up the fact that your daddy looks after your child and house that doesent strike me as relevant but, you didnt elaboirate on that much it just felt tacked on like his role in your life annoys you or something?

November 11, 2018

I am not at all annoyed with his role actually quite the opposite. I could not have this job with out him and I love what I do. I think life's stressors have led us to drift away from what we started as. I think I just need to talk to him about getting some of that back

November 11, 2018

In the best way possible.... get over yourself?

You have a full time job that you love. You have a Daddy that loves you and takes care of your home and your child. But because your little time is cut down... suddenly these positives in your life don't matter? Because it really sounds like that to me.

It sounds a lot like you're resentful of the fact that he does stay home and you work. But it's not like he's doing nothing. He will have his own stresses from looking after your kid and generally just keeping the house.

That's not to say you don't have stresses either. But my point is, it's not his fault alone.

It's up to both of you, as both Daddy and little to make time for little space. You can't just expect to get home from work and suddenly you get to be in little space. You have to find a way to fit it into your lives. It's not on just him.

So yeah... I guess "get over yourself" sounds harsh...but get over yourself. You need to speak to your Daddy as a grown up. Tell him you are resentful and that you need more little time. If you can't communicate how you feel to your partner, then frankly, you shouldn't be in a relationship until you know how. Otherwise, you're just going to have pent up frustrations and you'll end up taking them out on the people you love.

November 11, 2018

In the best way possible.... get over yourself?

You have a full time job that you love. You have a Daddy that loves you and takes care of your home and your child. But because your little time is cut down... suddenly these positives in your life don't matter? Because it really sounds like that to me.

It sounds a lot like you're resentful of the fact that he does stay home and you work. But it's not like he's doing nothing. He will have his own stresses from looking after your kid and generally just keeping the house.

That's not to say you don't have stresses either. But my point is, it's not his fault alone.

It's up to both of you, as both Daddy and little to make time for little space. You can't just expect to get home from work and suddenly you get to be in little space. You have to find a way to fit it into your lives. It's not on just him.

So yeah... I guess "get over yourself" sounds harsh...but get over yourself. You need to speak to your Daddy as a grown up. Tell him you are resentful and that you need more little time. If you can't communicate how you feel to your partner, then frankly, you shouldn't be in a relationship until you know how. Otherwise, you're just going to have pent up frustrations and you'll end up taking them out on the people you love.

November 11, 2018

Wow I think you totally misunderstood my post. I am forever grateful for him and we do communicate quite well. I realize that my feelings are mine and he did not create them. That is why I am having a hard time deciding how to bring this up to him.

November 11, 2018

I have no idea about the little part but I would tell him to get a job! If you want him at home with the kiddo he can still get a remote or online position.

Even if I made a million a year I would still expect my partner to contribute financially, at the very least in order to support themselves.

He has a "job" a very difficult one. He had taken on parenting my very difficult special needs child. He does more than he has to. He loves my child as if they were his own. I am extremely grateful for what he does in our lives. This isn't about him not working but about finding time to get back to where we started

November 11, 2018

I find myself feeling resentful at times that I don't get to be in little space like I used to.

As far as I can tell, this is your issue, right? It has nothing to do with either of your jobs, it has to do with not being able to get into little space.

What I would do is come up with some ideas, activities, play time, whatever that would make me happy. Then I would find a time when neither of us are stressed out or tired and ask if we could talk. I would state how I am feeling. I would ask if he has any suggestions. Then I would state my ideas. Then we would compromise.

The below posts might be useful for ideas about getting into little space:

How to Get Into Little Space

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/491-little-space-ideas/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/1944-how-to-make-a-little-feel-little/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/2435-little-space-triggers/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/3215-college-little-having-trouble-getting-into-little-space/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/4001-moments-of-accidental-littleness/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/4050-struggling-with-little-space/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/4291-getting-into-little-space/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/4984-little-space-activities/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/5094-little-headspace/

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/5885-trouble-getting-into-little-space/