Help?

[Guest Princess Dusty]

So a friend of mine is going through a really rough time. She's brand new to DDLG like me, but has done extensive research on it. While she liked the idea, she wanted to have an idea of what she was getting into before she jumped in head first. Her first Real Life Dom didn't work out, and she was nervous so she figured she'd try an online Dom. He requested that she be called petal and she agreed. 

 

So recently he brought in a Mommy, after talking with her first. Though lately things have been going down hill fast, she's called me crying on a number of occasions because she's at a loss for what to do.

 

She's been asked to complete multiple tasks but when she asks for guidance she gets told "She's a big girl, figure it out." or "She better figure it out." To me that comes across as unhealthy and not a good relationship. So I suggested she talk to just her Daddy. She sent me the conversation and I'm...I'm honestly at a loss as to what to tell her. I'm hoping someone on here can give her some help that my lack of experience can't. 

I also just want to say, I have full permission to be posting this here, she knows I am, she just doesn't have computer access at the moment and desperately needs help.

 

Since she goes by petal, we'll call her that, and he goes by her Daddy so I'll call him that.

 

Petal: petal knows you're going out Daddy and doesn't expect an answer but she wanted to talk to him, just him for a moment. petal understands that Daddy isn't new to this, and Mommy doesn't seem to be either, but petal is. She's learning, and she asks questions, not because she wants to be handed everything, but because she honestly doesn't know.  Her last Dom was very cruel to petal. (editting for personal reasons on her part.) She's having to relearn a lot of things and she's trying her best she really is. But this is petal's first online Daddy and while she's trying, she needs guidance sometimes. Dadd asked petal to be honest so petal is. While petal knows she belongs to Mommy and Daddy, Daddy was here first. petal feels like n matter what petal does she's not trying hard enough, or working hard enough or learning fast enough. And it makes petal feel very lonely and sad. petal is trying so hard but Daddy petal needs help.

 

She then sent him a second message awhile later after thinking some more.

 

petal: Daddy probably won't like this but you asked petal to be honest. Since Mommy came it's like petal has just become an object for the two of you to play with. petal is still a person even if you own her. petal may not know much but a Daddy and a Mommy should make their little feel good. Lately all petal feels is sad. (once again edited out for person reasons speaking of the task she's been set to do with no guidance.) so yes petal doesn't know. She's learning, but petal can't learn if no one teacher her. And it's not fair to petal for you to put these high expectations on her if you don't tell her what you want. petal can only do so much, so it feels like if petal doesn't figure stuff out she's going to get in trouble, or is now getting reprimanded for asking questions.  

 

The rest is just her telling him she's going to go do the cool off that he set up with her. I want to say that they're not asking her to do something that would hurt her otherwise I would have stepped in, but she's getting no guidance. So this is what he sent back. They have a group chat set up with the three of them, and then just a chat for him and her.

 

Her Daddy: Thank you for being honest and you know you an always come and talk to me here, after all I gave you my word I will try to look after you and ensure your personal well being. For what it's worth petal, Daddy is very proud of you and you've been doing a fantastic job with me and mommy. I know petal likes to ask questions which is only natural and understandable, sometimes the answers to your questions are things you have to find out for yourself but that doesn't mean you'd e punished for doing so! Sometimes the best voyage of discoveries are the ones we make ourselves, me and Mommy would only point the direction and then it's down to petal to find her own path. We would only ever try to guide you and would not punish you unnecessary. You are learning petal and we both fully appreciate and accept that, you'd not be punished without reason. Look at the good job you did tidy your room, (disclaimer: the girl is a serious neat freak, she's been working and some stuff got onto the floor and they acted as if a bloody tornado went through it.) we were both very pleased with your efforts and we managed to communicate this? (Basically it was "Good job, now you're going to do this. Oh but we're not going to give you any guidelines.) If you take Mommy's video for example as long as you do your best petal then no one can ask any more of you! We would be able to tell if you had and so you wouldn't be punished for that.  The last thing  want is for you to feel hurt or upset as Daddy is supposed to be looking after his little girl. There is however an element of the submissive role that is there to be play with so if it feels like petal is only an object for Mommy and Daddy to play with then that is a natural by product of the dynamic. We do however full take into account your experience and you willingness and compliance really do count for a lot. 

 

This is the next part that I personally kinda have an issue with.

 

petal is still a person and we acknowledge that but petals place is also to be owned; part of that mindset has to be giving up all your emotions and desires for the sake of your owners. That doesn't mean that I or Mommy would be intentionally cruel to petal, far from it, we need to embrace her so she can become the true submissive that she is.

 

 

Giving up desires to an extent okay, but emotions? That's what makes a little what they are? Am I wrong? She's really upset and distraught and doesn't know what to do at this point. She's asking for any advice. I'm sorry it's so long just trying to give the information that I have. If anyone has any sort of advice for this poor thing, please please, let me know.

 

[A Cuddly Dom]

 From what I gather, this is untenable. It seems to me that the "daddy" and "mommy" here are more interested in a Total Power Exchange relationship. Littles are emotional by nature. It feels to me like "daddy" and  "mommy" here are just setting up the ground work to literally use this poor girl as a human toy. That's fine, provided that's what all parties involved are wanting. But, I doubt Petal wants to also be a slave girl. This is one of the things about the Gorean lifestyle that makes me bristle a bit. There is a serious risk of the submissive either being abused or neglected.

 

 Being told that one's feelings, emotions, or even limits should somehow be overshadowed by the desires of the dominant sounds to me like the beginning stages of grooming a submissive for future abuse or exploitation. I'm sure I'll catch some flak for saying so, but I stand by my gut feelings. My instincts tell me that she might be much better off if she removed herself from this relationship. First and foremost, a Daddy's main job is to love and care for their little, support them, teach them in a loving and gentle way. Littles need much more positive reinforcement than negative, in my opinion. I don't know what Petal is really looking for, but perhaps you could have her write herself a list of what makes the perfect Mommy and Daddy for her, and then she can see where her needs are not being met in this relationship.

 

 This is just my opinion, based on my feelings about what DDlg is all about, just to be clear. For me, this raises some red flags. I hope this provided some kind of help or support.

[Guest Princess Dusty]

It really did! I appreciate it so much! I wasn't sure if it was being being over protective 'cause this girl is like my little sister. I will relay the information and I appreciate it soooo much. I'm still learning myself so I didn't want to say something and then be completely off base.  It raised a lot for me too. Once again thank you so so so so much <3

[Tread]

I agrre with A Cuddly Dom, the little shouldn't give up thier emotions the reason I like being a daddy is because of how I can see my littles emotions. I know that sounds wierd, but it really helps me to understand my little and how they feel about anything I might do. Littles are supposed to be emotional imo. I love seeing mine when she's happy and it breaks my heart when she's sad. I don't think this relationship is going how it should. But I'm new to ddlg too. So :/ idk

[Guest Princess Dusty]

I really appreciate the insight Tread I'm new so I want to make sure she's safe ya know. But I only have my experiences to go off. She's sending him a message saying that if he wants her to give up her emotions then she's not for him. If that doesn't work she's blocking him. So I'm extremely proud of her. Thank you all so much <3

[minachan16]

I thought the daddy was doing fine up until this part: "There is however an element of the submissive role that is there to be play with so if it feels like petal is only an object for Mommy and Daddy to play with then that is a natural by product of the dynamic." If she's not okay with this, then it's not okay. She stated clearly that this was not something she wanted, and if her daddy and mommy are saying that it's only natural that this will be part of it - as in non-negotiable, take-it-or-leave-it - then her mommy and daddy also have a lot to learn about being doms.

 

While power exchange is fine as long as all parties are game, there's a reason why the submissive knows his or her safe word. The submissive grants the dominant the power to control her to whatever extent. This power is revoked the minute the submissive says the safe word. This is because if the submissive didn't have the ability to end behavior that she considered neglectful or abusive, this would be an incredibly toxic and unhealthy relationship. She needs to explain to them that her needs as a submissive are as valid as the needs of the dominant, and that she holds as much power in this relationship as they do. They cannot be allowed to think that just because they are doms that that means they hold all the power. It simply isn't the case.

 

They all need to sit down and discuss this, and if her mommy and daddy are not open to her concerns, then it sounds like it would be in her best interest to find a new mommy or daddy.

[Guest Princess Dusty]

This was all an online relationship and she had never talked to the Mommy before she was kinda thrust upon her. At first she was excited but it was the Mommy element that killed it for her. While shes bi, the Mommy seriously brought in the power play. At least thats what ahe says, I wasnt reading everything so I honestly dont know. She opted to end the relationship and do a bit of self relfection. She doesnt want to be put into the same situation twice. Though its nice to see my concerns were justified and this is giving her a lot of great info. Thank you so much!

[Daddy4ababy]

It seems to me that petal simply needs to be guided, if you're little mummy and daddy teach u to walk, talk, everything. Petal is new to the lifestyle so needs to be taught everything. You wouldn't leave a baby to work out how to hold the bottle herself, u hold it until she can. A relationship where your parents expect u to learn without guidance seems an inappropriate relationship in my view. Being new to this. Petal is a baby and needs to be taught everything

[Guest Princess Dusty]

That's what I thought too. I was really worried about her. You guys have all made her smile and have helped her feel like she's making the right choice for her self. Thank you all <3

[Winni]

What a total asshole. No, really. Thats just really fucked up. It seems to me like they want a pet, or plaything, and think thats what a little is. Sometimes a little may be into being a pet or plaything, but as  most of us know thats not a given. If she hasn't already I'd exit that relationship asap.

[Guest Princess Dusty]

That's what I thought, but being new to the community I wasn't sure and I wanted to be sure so it wasn't just me being, "Hey don't mess with her she's like my sister type of thing.  That's exactly how it came across to me. She's soooo sweet and caring she deserves someone to take care of her. She has left the relationship, if you can call it that, and thankfully hasn't heard from either of them again. She's exploring herself right now but soooo much happier Thank you all seriously for the support.

[Trixie]

I'm glad she's taking a break and doing self reflection.