How, when, where and what... what am I doing wrong?

[Guest Professor Optics]

A brief intro:

 

I'm 28, with Asperger's. I struggle a lot with picking up vital social cues, thus I struggle to build any meaningful relationship, romantic or platonic. It takes me a long while to decide whether I'm attracted to someone. In short, I'm context blind. Meaning I see the world in black and white, where it's actually different shades of grey. 

 

To help with this, and to help me understand how to form relationships with people, I follow a lot of posts, videos and blogs from people such as Corey Wayne, Girls Chase, etc. this has helped me with certain things, like picking up signs of attraction, interest and what not.

 

Except, I'm now constantly at war with myself as to what is the right course of action when forming new relationships. That's why I'm here, in hopes to find a lifeline that'll help me go from being incredibly lonely to being able to build meaningful relationships with people, and surrounding myself with the kinds of people that I want there.

 

Corey Wayne talks about a once per week rule. I've grasped the concept and see that it's really about building anticipation. On the other hand, however, it feels gamey. on the third hand, talking to a person all day every day makes me feel, weak, clingy, needy and everything that defines the opposite of the type of man I want to be.

 

What I don't get, really, is how do I build a meaningful relationship with someone, starting from day one. Do I make them wait for my replies; do I wait  a week to contact them. do I contact them everyday?

 

everyone says it happens naturally. Not with me it doesn't. I want to know what I'm doing, consciously. I want to know when and how to act; how to let someone in without appearing weak and needy.

 

How? How does a relationship begin? how does it evolve? what keeps it interesting? what rules do I follow, and when? 

 

Honestly.... I'm starting to want to give up altogether and just swear a life of celebacy and solitude for the remainder of my life, because no matter what I do, I just don't seem to get it, or get the results that I'm after. And I want to! Please help... I could really use a guiding hand right now...

[Ohiodaddy23]

Hit me up. I too have Asperger's. I think I can help

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

You wrote this out really well, and expressed your thoughts fluently. You also seem to have a level of self-awareness, and honestly that’s great too. Aspergers or not, there are a lot of people who lack those qualities.

 

With replying to messages: If you’re available to respond, then do. It’s the modern age where most people are used to instant messaging via either kik, skype, snapchat etc. I think it’s more normalized to get a fast response compared to maybe 5-10yrs ago. Even if it’s just PM’s.

 

It’s difficult to begin a meaningful relationship from day one, possibly due to the above ^ There are so many people out there, and if you don’t click with someone in the first few days then you can find the conversation veers off- sometimes leading to what everyone refers to as ‘ghosting’. That goes both ways though, it won’t always be an error on your part.

 

I almost want to say “direct them to this topic, so they can understand your stance and perspective on things.” Because as I said, it’s very well written. However I’m a weirdo, and that may be wrong lol ^-^

 

Most importantly: Be polite, be respectful, be yourself.

Love and partnership is great, but it’s even better when you know that the someone you’re with really likes you for you.

 

 

The best thing would be if you could find, or even if someone volunteers after reading your topic, a Daddy or friend (even if it’s a Little or female) who can help be your ‘wing man’ when it comes to dealing with potential relationships and the initiatial interactions when you’re not sure where to go with it. Someone who shows they really understand people and presents as being down to earth, who generally reads people well.

[Little Illy]

I honestly think what you should do is find a female friend and talk this out with her. Someone you know who will not sugar coat everything, yet at the same time will not be too harsh when explaining things. You need to find someone who is healthy, has a decent world view and an understanding of relationships - aka, not just any woman. Someone you trust and you trust them with your intimacy.

 

A best friend, a sister, hell your mother - just anyone who will be honest and you feel comfortable opening up about relationship details.

 

Why female? Because females are insane, we all are and no one can convince me otherwise....

But seriously, a female will give you that vital insight to the opposite sex. She can explain what she would expect, but the best part, you can ask "why?" without fear of repercussion.

 

Example:

You: "Do I make them wait for my replies; do I wait  a week to contact them. do I contact them everyday?"

Her: I don't like it when a dude makes me wait, if we are messaging I expect him to make some time for me.

You So what happens when he actually cannot respond back, like because he is at work or out with friends, or something?

Her: Well, as long as he let me know he couldn't talk, I wouldn't be upset if he cut the conversation short. I would only get mad if we were in the middle of chatting about something important and he just disappeared.

You: Do you think it is best to then just give them a heads up most of the time?

Etc

 

-------

 

Example 2:

You: "Do I make them wait for my replies; do I wait  a week to contact them. do I contact them everyday?"

Her: I prefer when any potential partner shows an interest, I don't expect a one way street. If he wants me to contact him frequently, I would like the same.

You Is there a preferred time frame? When should the contact start? And how frequently?

Her: Depends on our schedule. I wouldn't be mad if the contact during a work week wasn't as frequent, but as long as he explained why I couldn't reach him. I understand.

You: Do you think it is best to then just give them a heads up most of the time?

Etc.

 

 

Does it make sense on how you can dig into the parts that truly confuse you and tunnel into reasoning and ask questions? And you can do this with a friend and not your actual partner - this allows you some wiggle room. IF you and your friend don't see eye to eye there is no risk to your romantic relationship.

 

Throatghosts was 100% right when she said you are articulate and self-aware and I truly believe that is half the battle. You realize you miss these cues, so discuss it with a trusted woman. Hash things out, everything you mentioned above. Think of all the situations that well and truly mess you up and be prepared to ask. Ask everything from the initial start-up of talking to someone all the way to sex and intimacies and to either a long-term relationship or even how to handle a break up. The point is to walk through with someone to get a more natural, organic feel of how a woman would react. 

 

We can sit here can give you clues, give you patterns of behavior, give you social conventions, but it all comes down to the woman you are trying to have a relationship with. Going through a trusted friend who will be honest with you will help you get a Real World feel on how a Real Woman would react, versus just assuming statistics.

 

Another venue, and a more common one, is to find a mentor. I have mentored Dommes and Doms and in general, it was to help them understand the cues of BDSM and D/s. Find someone to mentor you with romantic relationships. Find someone you trust and see if they can help you come into yourself more and be more aware of the things you want. You can do all of the same things with a mentor as I referenced above, and they could also help you during some relationships as well. I recommend the first because I have seen that work first hand with a friend who has Autism.

 

I do wish you the very best!  

[Guest Aetherr]

i love this as a fellow aspie i feel you 100% i never know when a person is showing an interest or if i should or shouldn't push a certain subject, one of the hardest things for me is opening a dialogue with a complete stranger, i know my world.. of gaming of sci-fi of eating 3 of the same meal on rotation and that's about it... i know enough about myself to knows this,, i am needy/clingy i also love feeling needed,, the closer i am to a person the better but the connection has to be there for me or i just cant click with them but if i have that connection it can make it the happiest or most heart breaking times to either talk to them and get closer or face rejection and feel betrayed.. i am going to follow this and see what else is said, but just know i know the constant battle you fight because it is my battle also.

[Guest Professor Optics]

Sadly, I don't have a lot of female friends. The one I can possibly look to, I am attracted to, so that makes things a little harder. The others, well, they tend to sugar coat things, which I don't want.

 

In essence, what I would really like, as silly as it may sound, is someone to hold my hand in the proverbial sense. Like how a parent teaches a child to ride a bike: first with training wheels and support, then just the training wheels and finally, no training wheels at all. All based on the child's confidence in riding. I suppose that's really what the parent does, if i think about it. They're not so much teaching them how to ride; rather they are teaching them the confidence to ride the bike.

 

Though that may be a long shot, because I know that women don't really want to teach a man to be "a man", so to speak. It's also awkward because I feel that I should know this stuff by now, yet I don't. It's stuff a father should teach his son, and my father was, well, a pussy, for lack of a better word. I still love him.

 

I know that attraction isn't a choice, and I also believe attraction is universal, it doesn't differentiate between the sexes, or between romantic and platonic. What does happen though, is attraction can be ruined, and that is often by how either party approaches the beginning stages of the relationship. Too much contact early on, can ruin attraction. What you say, and how you act, can ruin attraction. Attraction is usually there; it doesn't last long though, and I don't know why.

 

Online dating sites, and sites such as these which also allow some level of matchmaking, is also tough. I never know if my profile is effective enough, or if it's whats keeping the possible matches away, and when i do find a match, it has a habit of fizzling out before anything even begins. And that's depressing, even though i know that I shouldn't be so heavily impacted by it. Once or twice, is okay... More than that, and there's a pattern, and I'm struggling to see the pattern so I can attempt to change it.

 

Also note, that I'm okay with being alone. I actually take comfort in solitude. But there's a world of difference between that and actually being alone. Even those in solitude have someone to talk to (hello Wilson). Me, i'm in a box surrounded by people, oblivious to the fact i'm actually there, and I really want to get out. Except, I don't know how.

 

As Christopher "SuperTramp" McCandless wrote in his final moments: "Happiness is only real when shared"

Edited October 3, 2018 by Professor Optics

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

“In essence, what I would really like, as silly as it may sound, is someone to hold my hand in the proverbial sense. Like how a parent teaches a child to ride a bike: first with training wheels and support, then just the training wheels and finally, no training wheels at all. All based on the child's confidence in riding. I suppose that's really what the parent does, if i think about it. They're not so much teaching them how to ride; rather they are teaching them the confidence to ride the bike.

 

Though that may be a long shot, because I know that women don't really want to teach a man to be "a man", so to speak. It's also awkward because I feel that I should know this stuff by now, yet I don't. It's stuff a father should teach his son, and my father was, well, a pussy, for lack of a better word. I still love him.”

———

 

Whilst speaking to another female about it may be preferential, I believe there are plenty of men who are equally qualified and understand the elusive ‘female mind’. ^^ So don’t get too caught up on the idea that it needs to be another woman. Though they may have the advantage of actually having a female mind, given they are one. Haha

 

And so far as women “not wanting to teach a man to be a man”- I don’t personally think of it like that, and I’m sure I won’t be the only one. You’re just asking for help with something you find difficult, that about sums it up.

 

I totally get being content with being ‘alone’ with your own solitude. But you’re also right in the fact that it’s nice to share your life with someone. I’ve been on both sides of the fence personally. And being okay with being by yourself I think makes you an even better relationship candidate. You know how to be your own person, you’re not necessarily looking to rely on whomever you find yourself in a relationship with.

 

Just need to find the one who values all these things in you.

 

I’m open to trying to help you, if you want it. Fair warning though- I’m an awkward turtle myself.

But should the time arise when you’ve found someone you want to start something up with, and you don’t know who to go to for help, my inbox will always be open.

 

So now you’ve got at least one person. ^^ No pressure at all though. There’s no obligation to take the first assistance that comes along, if it’s not what suits you.

[baby_k]

Totally agreeing with people's advice above. Finding friend who works as your mentor would be super helpful. At least I have learnt a lot with friends who don't save their words when I do sh*t. It stings but makes you grow as person.

 

Though that may be a long shot, because I know that women don't really want to teach a man to be "a man", so to speak. It's also awkward because I feel that I should know this stuff by now, yet I don't. It's stuff a father should teach his son, and my father was, well, a pussy, for lack of a better word. I still love him.

 

People like helping people. At least I have enjoyed putting men into their plac---- I mean helping them ;P Friends are there for each other, not to represent stereotypes.

 

I know that attraction isn't a choice, and I also believe attraction is universal, it doesn't differentiate between the sexes, or between romantic and platonic. What does happen though, is attraction can be ruined, and that is often by how either party approaches the beginning stages of the relationship. Too much contact early on, can ruin attraction. What you say, and how you act, can ruin attraction. Attraction is usually there; it doesn't last long though, and I don't know why.

 

----

As Christopher "SuperTramp" McCandless wrote in his final moments: "Happiness is only real when shared"

 

Don't think too much of "instructions" on how to create attraction. With the right girl/guy it will just happen. Of couse rel is more likely to happen if you are "nice, mature and interesting person" and don't do rookie mistakes or be unpolite. There is of course some factual basis on what can create attraction but at least I have been attracted with the weirdest people who in theory should not be attractive. But they were attractive to me. You just need to find your match and those don't hang around every street corner. The harder part is how to make relationship happy and long lasting.

 

PS. I LOVE that quote.

[Guest Professor Optics]

Yea, it's actually all great advice. I really appreciate it.

 

I also appreciate the help offered. I'm generally not very good at asking for help. I have a belief that I should be able to work things out for myself, and hate burdening others with my "issues" because they have their own to deal with. I also can never find the right time to talk about these things.

 

Being comfortable on your own makes a person that much more attractive. Only thing is, I'm alone like 99% of the time, and I'm beginning to understand why some people go completely insane if they're in solitude for too long. Humans are naturally social creatures, and we need that social connection. It's built in, no matter how you want to look at it. That's why Wilson was the friend in Castaway. 

 

Socially, I'm okay. When i'm relaxed, comfortable and in a good head-space, I'm a completely different person. Unfortunately, that "space" runs out after awhile, and my anxiety catches up to me, and i return to my "shell". I just really struggle to connect with people, especially on a romantic level. There are far too many variables to keep track of, and it's overwhelming for "normal" folks. It's like 10 times worse for me, and i end up coming across as unconfident, weird, and other colourful adjectives. Girls leave thinking i'm not interested, when i am totally interested. If I inform them of my interest, they dash like Usain Bolt. It's the born-with version of the kiss of death...

 

In short, i'm tired of being alone. It's boring, and I really am longing for that deep connection with someone. With someone who "gets" me, and I trust enough to share my personal feelings with, no matter the time, place or moment. Someone to share moments with in general.

 

That girl i mentioned who would be the ideal candidate for a mentor, is my friend's current girlfriend. I'm attracted to her and she's like a living breathing example of my ideal lady. I told him about it, and told him that i need to limit my time with them because it messes up my emotions and it's not right that I'm looking at his girl like that. It also reminds me of my loneliness and sends me spiralling into an anxiety/depression cycle. lol

 

But yea, having a mentor is a brilliant idea. the next step is finding one who is willing and able to guide me to a point where I don't need training wheels no more. Someone who can cope with my endless amounts of questions, etc.