Priorities and theoretical question

[baby_k]

I'm bit shocked atm because I just came across to probably a massive cultural difference. Or I assume it is cultural.

So, ( theoretical ) question for you all:

If your significant other is dying in hospital and your other family member ( father, sister...) is also dying in another hospital. Which person you go and see ( as you can't be in two places at same time )?

To me it is no brainer, my partner of course. And for me priorities go so that if I had kids, they would go first, then my partner. And only after them we can talk of anyone else, like other family members. This is also how people around me see it. I have never thought it could be otherwise ( maybe I should think more, yeah....).

Same applies to any other theoretical "who would you save from fire if you cn only save one" questions.

And as you probably can guess, person I call daddy says he would not know how to answer that question. As he thinks one's SO is equal to one's family ( parents, siblings... ). For me that seems absolutely horrible as I see one's partner as the person who is there for you and who you can count on. So, no dying alone in hospital if the SO has any means to come there to be with you.

He also asked some friend of his, who has been married for years, the same question and that person also gave same "I can't know" answer.

Makes me question the basis of our ( potential ) relationship as my idea of how things should go is so different than his -> assumptions and expectation are really different. And I also don't like idea that even if we would have been living together for years, he would not know which is his priority: his family or me.

Soo, maybe you folks have some good comments to this as I feel bit lost right now.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

i think --- wow, this question is awful, haha! -- but i think that this is going to be, unfortunately, a case by case basis. 

i understand why you are feeling the way you are, but i'd imagine that your partner felt ... similar to how i feel right now thinking about it for myself.

 

first of all, this is an extreme situation that no one ever wants to find themselves in. 

i can't imagine that anyone would be thinking clearly if two of their loved ones were in the hospital dying at the same time.

i also think that the answer would depend massively on the relationship between the person asked & their family.

 

for instance, my sister & i are incredibly close. i've already almost lost her to various disorders more than once.

if it was between her & one of my partners dying in the hospital, i'd have a really hard time choosing who to go see. 

i know my partners would probably feel similarly, at least the ones who are still close to their families. 

 

man, this is a tough question.

but i don't think that you should fault your partner for being unsure who to pick, especially if he's close with his family. 

i don't see my indecision, or difficulty making a clear choice, as an indicator of my love for my partners. 

i see it as a normal, human reaction to a really fucking scary choice.

 

because, even though this is just hypothetical, whatever choice you make would haunt you, wouldn't it?

i imagine some people might even buckle under the pressure & go see neither. 

 

man, i need to go tell my loved ones i love them now... 

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

It definitely depends on the relationship between the person answering and their SO or family.

 

For me, I would choose my Daddy/husband, as he’s been there for me how my fam never was. We’re also BFFs

So would you go see your Husband, Daddy & BFF? Yus, yus I would.

Plus I wouldn’t be able to handle saying goodbye to family in the same way.

 

When I’m worried about someone... I actually have the adverse reaction and want to avoid them, because I can’t handle the grief. I’m so afraid to see them dying or so unwell that they might (from experience).

There’s personal reasons behind that which I’m not willing to publicly go into, hence them being personal lol

 

 

I wouldn’t take it to heart that your Daddy considers you as his family.

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, and it’s only a hypothetical scenario (we can hope).

[baby_k]

I can understand if the partner is new, so of course people probably would choose family... But in longer, deep relationship it seems such a strange idea to me

 

I have background with sharing my life with a partner who was close to die on several occasions, so, in that sense I have lot of experience on how I think, prioritase and act in those occasions. Maybe that has given me sort of clear view on how I see things, so realising others don't share that is confusing. ( As what? Other people don't think like me? What is this?? XP )

 

 

Really appreciate your answers as they give some balance to this shock I'm having <3

 

 

 

because, even though this is just hypothetical, whatever choice you make would haunt you, wouldn't it?

 

This was also really interesting. I can understand some would feel that but I don't really have such issue. Because my priorities/values are quite clear to me, so I would  just act based on my values and see no fault in it. Like it would be bad that one person was left alone but I would still feel I chose correctly.

 

And how I can be so sure of that? Of course I can't as I have not been in situation where two people are dying. But I have been in situation where my partner was having seisure and other close person was stalked+assaulted by their ex-partner. So, in that scenario I chose my partner and just gave some phone support as well as I could to the other person. I had no bad feelings about it afterwards, probably because I felt that I did the right/obvious choice.

 

Only case where I see it getting tricky for me is if it was about two long term romantic partners or two kids dying in different locations. As those I would value the same. Difficult

[SharkPrince]

This isn't a question I could ever answer in theory. I don't hold one specific kind of relationship in my life above any other. Even making the choice between seeing a family member / friend who were both in different hospitals would be torture really and no matter what decision I made I would probably regret it for the rest of my life

[Guest bad_apple]

Omg... what a cruel question!

 

To me the only answer I would give would also be "I don't know" it's one of these things you can only decide if one is in such a horrible situation as there are circumstances and a ton of variables to consider a general theoretical question like this will never cover.

So yeah, "I don't know" is the most honest answer imo

[osito]

It’s a trick question! The answer is neither!

 

Honestly, silliness aside, this isn’t the kind of thing you prepare for. On the off chance that it happens, you make a decision in the moment and live with it. Too many factors.

Thinking about it while not in the moment... if partner is love of your life and you’ve been through thick and thin, and parent has been there for you over the years and made sure you’re ok... visit whoever is in worse condition first. Ideally, you can see them both.

Other than that, there are so many factors. To the point where it’s not worth dwelling on, personally.

Edited September 26, 2018 by osito

[Tinka]

if both of them would be dying in different hospitals i would go to neither since i would have a heart attack and die right there from bad luck overdose.

 

but if i had to choose i would say YES ITS AN AWFUL QUESTION and also i think i would go to family.

[SmartAssLittle]

To me it is no brainer, my partner of course. And for me priorities go so that if I had kids, they would go first, then my partner.

...and after years and years, your dying in hospital and your child dont came to see you, she goes to her boyfriend she meet few years ago...

 

And thats life too.

[Guest Longlegs]

The problem with every hypothetical situation like this is that it all exists in a vacuum
In essence, it doesn't matter how anyone responds because real life is a different thing beast entirely, so I can definitely understand leaving it at "I don't know."
I'm sure there are plenty of people willing to do "the right thing" or make great sacrifices for their views, as long as it exists solely on paper.
And when finally faced with an extreme situation of some kind, they tend to freeze or break down or do something seemingly uncharacteristic.

Can't really fault them for that, either. It's only natural.

[Cell]

It’s a good topic for a little to not understand, may you never have to

[Guest infinitecases]

It can sometimes depend on how close you are to your SO/family and what kind of relationship you have with them. For instance, my family don't truly understand me, and whilst I do love them, it's completely different to how I love my Daddy. I would choose my Daddy because I think that he is the most important person in my life, and losing him would be far far worse for me than losing a family member. Others who are extremely close to their family may find it hard to choose between the two or perhaps view relaitonships slightly differently.

[neworder]

Family first. They are permanent. A singnificant other can be insignificant ex in the course of minutes

[Guest DuckDaddy66]

I actually have a reality that is close to this theoretical.  

 

My Little and I are in a LDR progressing towards living together marriage.  We are very serious about each other.  She upended her life significantly (that's significantly in all caps).  My mother is/was about to be homeless. My brother and sister stepped up to plate (american idiom) on financial priorities to keep her in a home.

 

When I found out that she was loosing her home for the fourth time, I gave her the riot act. That she really needed to listen to my advice and not blow me off so I could help her. Now my current situation is I am moving homes, closing down one getting ready to sell and moving to a new area.  I also got a sweet sweet job that pays very well and it's work i love. 

 

sooooo.... I told my mother, that my little and job comes first and if she makes an other stupid mistake by not listening and follow through my advice, she is pretty much on her own.

 

My rational:

1) My partner is going to be there for the rest of my life, she comes first. 

2) In a rescue situation, you always need to take care of your own self first. Always!

3) My immediately family while very important, and if it's a parent are there to help you to the next generation. This is paid forward in my culture. My brother and sister should get priority. 

4) If I was in a dating relationship I would put family first. However since I am dealing with somebody who would cause harm to myself, I am choosing to back away.

 

While not totally the exact situation, it's very similar. 

Edited September 29, 2018 by DuckDaddy66

[Little Illy]

I had this whole thing typed, went into detail to show each step and discussion and Daddy's understanding, etc... and accidentally closed it... so... Long story short:

 

I love my brother more than my Daddy. Daddy knows this, I basically raised that boy. If it came down to it, I would leave Daddy in a hospital to fly those 9134 miles back to the states to be by my brother's side. I have that boy's name has been said and the sound wave recorded, and that sound wave, of my voice, saying his name, tattooed on my wrist. He saved my life. He is my lifeline and my parents tell me I am his hero - apparently he uses me in tons of papers and essays but wont ever let me read them. My parents have seen them, though.

 

I love this boy so much, I gave him a nickname at birth. No one else is allowed to use it except my parents. And that still irks me, but I understand. Even my brother checks people "Hey, only my sis calls me that, alright?" I never asked him to do this, I never told him I hated other people calling him it, but he doesn't like it either. The way I knew I well and truly loved Daddy? I was absolutely okay with him using the nickname. I have broken it off with a man who kept trying to force me to be okay with him using the nickname, but not Daddy.

 

Daddy is my Forever Daddy. I have been with men and knew as soon as we started dating that it wasnt the real deal. I knew the moment Daddy and I started talking, we had something rare (for us as individuals). I never want to be with another man, Daddy says "youre it, no one else." In each other we found partners, lovers, counterparts (kinks/roles) and very best friends. I love Daddy above everyone else, including my family. All of them, except my brother.

Quantifying love is hard, and as everyone had said, is always case by case. No one should really get any shame for loving a partner more or loving a family member for, or hell.... loving a beloved best friend who has been with you your whole life. Unless it is conveying a toxic or damaging relationship and straining the individual... no one should feel badly for their connections and bonds. 

 

But that is just my opinion, and I am not saying I am even remotely correct.

[Guest Arc]

It would really be a case by case thing for me, though.

 

If it was someone I'd been with for five months - I'd choose family. Five years? I'd likely choose the partner. 

 

If someone had been dying in hospital for a few days, then someone else suddenly had a major accident and barely had hours to live.... then I'd go to the one who had hours because I'd already spent a lot of time with the other.

 

If someone was on the other side of the world and I could fly and spend a few hours with them after travel times or stay with someone the whole day, then I think I'd likely stay with the person I could spend more time with. 

 

If one person had 5 family members or loved ones with them and the other had none, I'd be with the person so they weren't alone. 

 

It's case by case for me because it would depend on my relationship with them, how long they had/how long I had already spent with them, and also who else is there for them.