Leaving Everyone Behind - Help...

[Little Illy]

*Waves*

 

Hey, everyone. So, a lot know that Daddy and I were in a LDR, he was born and lived in Australia and I was born and lived in the United States.

 

I moved in with Daddy in January 2018 and in exactly 29 days Daddy and I celebrate our 2 year anniversary. This winter we will be applying for our relationship visa to keep me here permanently. And I am so happy to be living with my Daddy and to be living our lives together. I love him and this was the best decision ever.

 

But.... as we are approaching the holiday season (and birthday season), I feel this incredible emotional weight. I've been missing everyone from back home, sure, but I have been nervous to see how I would feel during the holidays.

 

Today I woke up to my father having sent me a photo of him, my brother and a very close family friend at the Ren Fest back in the states. I have gone every year since I was 4-6yo. Something my family always did together. And seeing them there, I have the biggest wave of sadness because I missed our annual tradition. Its tail spinned me because I miss them so much. And this is just a stupid little thing my family has done over the  years.

 

I'm actually afraid now. Coming up, I have; My birthday, My best friend's birthday, My uncle's birthday, Halloween, My grandmother's Birthday, Thanksgiving, "Black Friday" (which is just my family's lazy day together), My brother's birthday (who I basically raised and I love more than anyone else in the world), Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, My cousin's birthday and New Year's Day.

 

I reacted so strongly to the stupid Ren Fest, I don't know what to expect during any of these legit holidays.

 

Have any of you done this? Do any of yall have any tips? I'd appreciate anything. 

 

Thanks, guys  

[Alaskan Daddy]

Hi

what you are feeling is very common. My advice to you is this. Try to maybe to skype with your family on those special days Maybe have a skype dinner or something like that. The other thing I would do is create your own memories in your new life. Make your own traditions. You may still have strong feelings when those dates come along but you have things that will make you part of them with-out being there personally,

I hope this helps

[baby_k]

I'd go with Alaskan Daddy's advice. Life is always full of changes, some we notice in painful way (like you are now), some not at all and about some we are excited. Think about moving to your first own (or rented ) home: many things change but normally that is time of excitement and all new cool things you can do and what you hae dreamed. Or how you maybe gor driver's license or your first car: no more need to get someone to drive you or use bus. Or how starting university maybe was: everything was new, not same friedns there with you in classes.... I think you get the picture.

 

What separates those changes we are excited from the ones that are painful: we look forward from them, have dreams about them, are excited to try (even if bit scary, like new school/uni). It is of course easier said than done but try to find what would excite you in having your bd, holidays and so on in this new place and situation. Figure out things you can look forward in them. So, creating own traditions. And also taking account the old ones: videochat with loved ones, share some event(s) that way and feel them being with you despite distance.

 

Timezones will make this hassle of course but see if you can join their breakfast even it is not breakfasttime for you for example (sorry, too lazy to calculate how the time difference is.... but I'm pretty sure you are super aware of it )-.

[Little Illy]

[if you saw this prior to me editing, my apologies for the possible terse vibe - that was not my intentions]

 

I suppose I explained my LDR and such as a way to stupidly explain that I am very well versed in how to make a relationship work and be a success over distance. I did it with Daddy and I've maintained remote relationships due to college.

 

Unfortunately, my family isn't really prone to loving one another in obvious ways, like communicating. I schedule and set times to chat, to video, to whatever, and I'm constantly getting stood up. And this isn't a situation where "they obviously don't care, cut them out," because its my family, and they do care. They just are in shitty situations that make it easier to just see me as gone and thats that. I mean like, my parents just got a divorce this year, my grandmother doesn't know how to use a computer and my brother is in his senior year of advanced high school and prepping for college. So I can't rightfully get up their ass about it because *Life* but at the same time I feel like I'm dying.

 

I am going to make things happen to look forward to; I want to carve so many pumpkins and decorate the house for Halloween. I plan on making a maximum, traditional, Thanksgiving dinner for Daddy and his mates. And of course Christmas will be with Daddy's family and Daddy and I will get our very first Christmas Tree and this will be the second year of our new tradition as a couple; I started it where both Daddy and I get personal tree ornaments with "Illy" and "Daddy" and the year somewhere on them. So I am doing my very best to not to focus on what I have essentially "lost" and focus on what is new and exciting. 

 

Its just hard when you've been the glue for the entire family all your life and now that you're not there, they literally scatter and you hear nothing from them.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Little Illy

[Tinka]

hello, 

 

i am in a 4 years` relationship. He is from Czech republic, i am from Greece. 

We were LDR for 2 years and then i went to Czech Republic and we have been living together for 2 years. 

 

Since i first moved there, i hadn`t gone back to greece for 1 and a half year. 

Tickets are expensive, time passes by and you sometimes forget, or life just happens. 

 

There were times that i missed them, there were times that i had phone calls like ''grandma is at the hospital, she might die'' , ''your mom has something bad with health'' etc. And of course every expat , has the fear of the Phone Call...that phone call where they will inform you that a beloved member passed away. 

 

Its surely hard at times, regardless of how happy you are with someone, how fulfilled is your relationship, 

you will always have bitter smile, when you think about your family. Some people feel it more, some people less, and to some its purely seasonal.

Homesick is something we have all experienced to minimum or maximum. 

 

I suggest you look at your financial ability and if you can, go for a month to see them, you will feel rejuvenated.

And if as a person you feel you cant be far away from them, discuss with your partner the potential of you guys relocating to America. 

Sometime lengthy skype cam calls with family can help a bit also. 

[baby_k]

I schedule and set times to chat, to video, to whatever, and I'm constantly getting stood up.

 

----

 

 

Its just hard when you've been the glue for the entire family all your life and now that you're not there, they literally scatter and you hear nothing from them.

 

Hmm, this is such a classic but: communicate with your family about your need to keep contact. I don't know them, so hard to say WHY they stood you up. If it is different needs ( to them hearing about you once a month or less and you wanting every week convos ), they just genuily being super stressed and busy.... Hard to say. But knowing reason helps to try to create solution.

 

But maybe ask how they would want it. I would say many people / families can scatter as you say but then enjoy getting together few times in a year or less. This also may mean you get lot less contact than you woud wish but it is sort of compromise: they have their lives and you have yours.

 

I'm not best person to answer this as I don't have huge need for people. If my family members are gone year two, I would not even notice or miss them (has happened).Them wanting to talk to me all the time I would see as annoyance as I prefer to focus on my own life. Soo, if your family is bit like me, there is really nothing you can do about it except agree rarer schedule of contact they are willing to follow (like meeting at xmas and one two bd). Or that you "suprice" call them sometimes and they either pick up or not.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

About six years ago I moved away from my immediate family, it is a five hour plane ride to get to them.  My dad and I were fine with the distance.  My mom and sisters were not.  It took a few years and frustration on everyone's part, and even a family therapy session between my mom and I, but we have finally figured it out.

 

I don't like talking on the phone, Skype isn't much better.  (Like, when I've called people, they've picked up by asking, "What's wrong?" because they can't think of why else I would be calling.)  In my mind, they are my family, of course I love them, of course they love me, and we can all catch up when we see each other again.  My dad is kind of similar, we talk on the phone about once every three months and just send each other pictures or emails when something exciting happens.

 

My mother would be happy to talk every single day and send multiple texts, emails, and facebook posts.  Every.  Single.  Day.

 

There was some serious frustration on both of our parts in the beginning, she felt ignored and unloved, I felt annoyed and smothered.  Eventually in the aforementioned therapy session we negotiated one phone call a week and I am supposed to respond to three emails or texts a week.  Getting to that point took understanding that we had different communication styles.  I needed to understand how hurt she (and my two sisters) felt when I didn't respond to messages or return phone calls; they needed to understand that I didn't have the same needs as them. 

 

I try to live most of my life by, "Treat others the way you want to be treated."  In this case, we all had to take a step back and realize that we should *not* be treating each other how we would want to be treated.  Doing the Myers-Brigg test helped us all realize that we have different personality types, and that we all have different needs and preferences.

 

My life has been hectic lately and I've done a poor job of holding up my end of the bargain.  Thank you, Illy, for reminding me what this feels like on the other side.