Loosing my first real Daddy **Trigger Warning**

[juniejames]

I remember it just like it was yesterday.  The feeling that crept through me as I read that message.  “Are you enjoying my head?”  I had to giggle to myself but also was taken by surprise.  Something told me not to stop there, to keep it going, but what that feeling was was unrecognizable to me.  Whatever, I said to myself, it is just a game so who cares right?  Who cares that the person I am suppose to be calling my boyfriend could log on at any moment.  I didn’t care about that.  I was intrigued by this person,  something about him stood out and I had to know more.

 

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My life growing up was typical.  Suburban lifestyle with both parents happily married.  I was an only child and given almost everything I wanted.  I was spoiled, but lacked in one area.  Love and attention.  All I ever wanted was to be accepted, acknowledged, praised, and loved.  I knew my parents loved me but they never doted over me.  I wanted to be the one people wanted around.  

At nine years old my life changed.  My first brother was born.  When he was 11 months old, my mother gave birth to triplets, 2 girls and another boy.  I went from getting everything I wanted to barely being noticed at all.  My teen years consisted of whatever I needed to do to gain attention.  Not following rules became a constant for me.  I ended up resenting my siblings and hating my parents most of my life.  Especially my dad.  He was a very hateful person that never seemed to be happy or satisfied with his life.  Needless to say, he ended up leaving my mother at the worst part of their life.  They had lost everything and had one week to move out of the house I grew up in due to foreclosure.  My mother’s health began to deteriorate and she became hooked on prescription pills.  So bad that she had my brother and me go out on the streets to find her more.  I remember the first time she offered me one of her pills.  I took it because I trusted her when she told me it would make me feel better after another heartbreak.  I ended up hating the feeling of being out of control of myself as I slipped into a daze but also yearned more for the feeling of numbness it created in my body.  A feeling that seemed to make everything else vanish, for the time being.  Needless to say, I found the perfect way to escape the thoughts that ran through my mind on a daily basis.  White girl, as it was called in my circle, became my best friend for the next year or so, although my nose screamed at me everyday to stop.

I woke up one evening, not even knowing what time it was or even what day it was.  I tried to put the pieces back together of the past few days but my mind was a fog.  I do know that I had binged and not slept for 3 or 4 days then crashed.  During those days I had been introduced to Molly, Vitamin E ( ecstasy, as we called it) and smoked a lot of weed.  The combination of all of them took its toll on me.  My body was weak, my mind a blur.  It was that moment that I decided to change.  I refused to be a victim to this way of life.  I saw too many friends and family become victim to this way of life and it never ended good.  I needed a way out and had no idea what or where to turn.

 

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When I was very young, my parents introduced cable tv into our home.  I had my own tv in my room and soon had full cable.  All the movie channels were included and I remember sitting at night watching what I was told not to.  All the beautiful women in the movies being taken to ecstasy by the men they had in their beds.  I wanted that feeling more than ever.  I needed to know what it felt like to be wanted so much and to be made felt like I was the center of attention.  That my every need was met.  Knowing I was too young to find this with someone,  I found it with myself.  In bed at night when I was the only one awake, I would please myself, learning what I liked and disliked.  I felt ashamed after but never stopped.  I loved myself for years and years until I grew bored and began to seek it out with someone else.

No one I came across filled the void I was looking for.  Boys my age were all they were and they had no clue as to what went on in my mind.  I decided to put the search away for the time being and concentrate on the one person that knew me the best, me.  Years passed and soon I became an adult. 

 

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I met him at a bar.  He was very tall and I was extremely intrigued by him.  I “accidentally” bumped into him and we began to talk, exchanged numbers and called it a night.  He called and soon a relationship emerged.  Never did I think that this person would become the one that changed me forever.  That shaped the way I thought about myself.  That brought me down to the lowest existence I had ever felt.

I stood looking in the mirror trying to figure out how I was going to hide the blueish gray coloring that circled my eye.  I had to figure it out so that I could go to work.  I didn’t want anyone to see what I had allowed to happen.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I layered on the make up, washing away what I applied.  I called off that day and just layed in my bed crying knowing that he would be consumed with the other girl for most of the day, if he even came home.

A couple years passed and I became a pro at covering up the bruises.  No one was the wiser of the hell I lived everyday.  I struggled to make the rent and pay the bills on my small paychecks.  His checks supported his habits of women, weed and beer.  I never understood why I wasn’t good enough for him.  I did everything he asked me to do, kept the house cleaned, cooked, even scrubbed the bathtub for him everyday before he showered.  I let him have his way with me when no one else was available to him.  Yet still, I was never good enough.  Eventually he didn’t even try to hide the cheating from me.  It became as normal in our world as breathing.

I woke up that morning still sore.  My neck hurt, my head, actually my entire body still ached.  Flashbacks of the night before filled my mind.  I was dangling on the wall, my feet lifted a foot off the ground.  My body held tightly against the wall by his hand around my neck, screaming in my face how pathetic I was.   How embarrassing I was to him.  How no one could ever love me or see me as worthy.  I tried to peel his hands from my throat but his strength was too much for me.  My legs kicked at him and he laughed at me.   All because he had ran out of money before payday and I had spent all I had on bills.  A few seconds passed and everything went black.  All I remember next is waking up on the floor, alone in the dark.  I forced through the pain shooting through my body to stand up and made my way to our room.  He found it, my hiding spot, my secret stash of money I had been saving to escape him.  It was all gone and so was he.  I slumped to the ground and cried until I couldn’t produce anymore tears.  Then I just sat there rocking back and forth, trying to figure out an escape.

I called my mother and told her everything.  She immediately came and got me.  I took only what I could carry in my arms and left.  As she drove away and the house drifted out of sight I realized I was finally able to breathe. A weight that I carried for those few but long years had been lifted and I decided right then and there that I would never again settle for anything less than what I deserved.

 

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My father passed away a short time later.  The funeral was all a blur to me.  I hadn’t spoken to him since he left my mom.  They never did officially get divorced, that way my mom could keep her medical insurance.  I knew she still loved him and would have taken him back at any time.  He was her first and only.  She was never the same person after he left and I hated him for it.  I watched her become less and less alive over the next year until she too was gone.  I sat by her side in the hospital for hours crying over her body after the nurses removed the life support machines.  Everyone else said their goodbyes and left.  I couldn’t bring myself to leave though.  I wanted my mommy back so bad.  Where was my life going to go now?  I still wasn’t that close with my siblings given the age difference.  She was all I had and now she was gone.  She was the only person that ever accepted me as I was, and I would never be able to talk to her again, hear her laugh, see her smile.  I found myself feeling like I did the day she rescued me from my hell.  A shell of a person with no future.  Nothing to look forward to, nothing to keep me in line, no one to remind me how special I was.

I drifted through the next years of my life alone.  Working to keep me occupied whenever I could.  I secluded myself, scared to fall back into what use to be my life.  Even though I worked with the public everyday, I hated being around people.  I looked forward to the time spent alone but found myself becoming lonely.  A friend from high school was posting online about a church he was attending.  Every day that I opened my social media page there was another post about it from him.  I remember how he was in school, not too different from me.  Matter of fact, we had partied many times together with the same people.  My curiosity got the better of me and I messaged him asking more about it.  “Just go” he told me.  Two weeks later I found myself sitting in the back row, wondering why and how I got there.

Fast forward three years, I have become a full member of this church, actively serving in every ministry I could join, trying to distract myself from the lure of numbness that was still readily available to me at any time.  I still had all the phone numbers of all the connects.  All I had to do was dial and I could slip away into oblivion and forget all the thoughts that ran through my mind on a daily basis.  No, I needed to stay focused, and most of all, sober.  So I dug deeper into this new life, learning everything I could about Jesus and forgiveness.  Soon I found myself working in the office as the assistant to the senior Pastor.  My life took on a completely different path, but still  I wasn’t satisfied.  Those thoughts that stayed with me, burned in my brain, constantly nudged me.  I began to think something was wrong with me.  Something that was sinister.  The things I longed for couldn’t be right.  Or could they?

 

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It was very rare that I ever agreed to meet up with the few friends I had but this night I just went knowing I was a pro at making up excuses to leave if I wanted to.  We talked and laughed and caught up with each others lives.  One girl mentioned this game she had found online.  A place where you could be anyone you wanted to be or completely be yourself and no one was the wiser.  I listened closely but acted as if I wasn’t interested.  I soon came up with an excuse to leave and went straight home and sat in front of my laptop entering the website into the search bar.  Little did I know my life would take a completely different path after this night.

I met someone that first night I created my account.  She was a beautiful avatar.  I soon learned that she was a he behind the screen.  That was ok though, a lot of people did that.  He showed me everything I needed to know about this world.  I learned over the time we spent together how to survive in this place.  Over the next year he became a confidant to me, someone I trusted more than anyone now.  We tried to become more than friends but he wasn’t the one that completed me.  He was normal and I was anything but.  He pressured me into taking what we had into the real world.  Wanting to come see me in real life.  I knew that was not what I wanted so eventually we parted ways at my request.  He was furious and really laid into me.  I told him I was sorry but I wasn’t the one for him.  I never heard from him again. 

I continued my search for that person that fit me.  That had the same thoughts and wants as I did.  I never admitted out loud what it was I was looking for for fear of rejection or humiliation, but I knew what it was, I just couldn’t figure out how to describe it.  I had no idea that I wasn’t alone in my quest.  That there were more like me out there.  I didn’t even know there was a name for it.   One night I sat down and forced myself to write out one of my fantasies.  I finished it and reread it.  That was it!  That's what I was searching for all this time.  I reread it again and again, each time thinking something was wrong with the way my brain worked but not even caring.  I needed to find this person that I wrote about. The one that made me complete.

I met someone else a short time after the discovery of who I really was.  He was great.  Spoiled me with whatever I wanted.  He was older than me by a bit so I thought he would be the perfect one to fill that void.  I mentioned to him a few times about what it was I wanted, careful to make sure I worded it in a way that he would not think it was really coming from me.  I still was ashamed to say it out loud.  Each time I brought it up he quickly shut it down, confirming to me that he was not the one either.  He was a good man, I had no complaints about him.  He never mistreated me, always made me laugh but still I didn’t feel I could be my complete self with him.  I was looking for more than the online only relationship and I concluded that he was not when I never heard from him any other time except the occasional message on my phone telling me he had to work late and wasn’t going to be online that night.  I needed to find a way to let him go without hurting him, he didn’t deserve that.  Then one day, I didn’t hear from him at all.  Another day passed with nothing, and eventually a week went by with no word.  I didn’t know what to think.  I was worried that something happened to him but also wasn’t even that upset.  I thought this was my chance to leave him.  That I wouldn’t be the bad guy this time.  It was during this time that those words popped up on my screen.

 

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“Are you enjoying my head?”  I had to giggle out loud at being busted this way.  How did he know I was camming him?  I knew about the function that could be used to discover who was zoomed in on who, but had totally forgotten about it.   “I was just seeing if I knew you, you look familiar” was the best response I could come up with without revealing my true intentions.  “You do, you have been to my sets before.”  The conversation took on  life of its own after that.  Everything I said to him felt easy, not forced, like I wasn’t trying to hide anything.  I felt comfortable talking to him and soon found myself wanting only that.  To talk to him.  I didn’t even care about what, as long as it was there.  Days passed and I completely forgot about being involved with someone, except when he reminded me.  He would tell me that he would be more aggressive with me if I wasn’t with someone and snap me back to reality and the fact that I hadn’t heard from this guy for days.  I didn’t even care anymore.  We got more intimate with what we talked about and he finally revealed to me that he was a dom, a Daddy dom to be exact.  Could this be true?  I went back to what I had written quite some time ago and reread it, becoming overly excited.  Had I met him?  The one I wrote about?  Nah, nothing ever worked in my favor, just look at my past.  If anything I was pathetic, just as I had been told years before.  Not worthy of love or happiness, but, I was still intrigued with him so I continued to talk to him.  What did I have to loose right?

I lost track of the days that followed.  All I wanted to do was be online and see him log on too.  I would be so embarrassed if he saw how my face lit up each time I just saw him online much less if he messaged me.  I started wanting more.  Then he reminded me that I was still with someone and I needed to make a decision.  I was so scared, not wanting to get hurt or laughed at so chickened out and told him I was not going to leave to be with him.  I knew the moment I hit send that I regretted it.  I wanted to take it back but it was too late.  He hated me,  called me a bitch, which was well deserved.  Told me to never contact him again.  I was devastated.  I knew what I had just done and I wanted to go back and fix it but I was a coward.  I left him alone and eventually got a hold of guy number one who assured me that nothing was wrong, work had been very demanding and it took up all is time.  Again, I found myself settling for less than what I wanted. 

Nothing and no one had ever consumed my thoughts before the way he did over the days that followed.  I needed to talk to him, even if it was just him telling me to leave him alone.  I missed him terribly and had no clue what to do.  I never told him to this point that I was searching for what he was.  That I was trying to find someone that could take the role that fit with mine.  Hell, I still hadn’t said it out loud yet to myself, but I knew that he was the perfect match.  Finally I swallowed my pride and reached out to him.  To my surprise, the reaction was not what I expected at all.  He gave me another chance, but made me make sure that I ended it with guy number one.  I did.  I told him everything that had happened without dropping any names and left him alone.  Even when he tried to message me and beg me to come back, telling me he didn’t care what I did, he just wanted me back.  I couldn’t though, I was finally exactly where I wanted to be. 

The next few weeks were the happiest of my life.  I have never before felt like I didn’t have to hide anything from someone.  He told me what he was searching for and I couldn’t believe it.  We matched!  We both wanted the same things, the same dark and twisted needs that most of the world frowned upon.  I didn’t feel alone anymore, I didn’t feel like there was something wrong with me.  Calling him Daddy and being his little girl was the most natural thing I have ever felt.  I began living to please him.  Our conversations leaked into real life and I found myself holding my phone in my hand at all times waiting on a message from him or sending him one.  I couldn’t believe that I had finally found someone that fit me perfectly.

If anyone ever tells you that love at first sight is a myth, they are lying.  I know firsthand that it is true.  I have never before loved someone as much as I loved him, even before I admitted it.  A few weeks is not a long time to base a life decision on, I know, but it does and can happen.  Those rare finds are special, and you need to hold onto them with all you have.  Sadly, I was not the one for him.  My heart is shattered.  My life has fallen apart.  What else is there now?  I’ll tell you what there is for me, nothing.  Nothing or no one will ever take the place of my first real Daddy.  I was his little girl.  Now, I am nothing but that shell of a person that I use to be.  I have no purpose so what is left?  I’m sure eventually he will forget about me, he will find or has already found the one that fits him the way he fit me.  I’m also sure those I hurt along my journey will forget about me as well, there’s nothing special about me, nothing to make a lasting impression.  My life is done, after all, it is just a game so who cares right? 

I still and always will love you Daddy

[Guest Aetherr]

what a read!! i am sure you will find someone to match you !!!

[prince eefy]

holy moly. this was quite a read. made me tear up. im so so sorry for all you've been through. i know youll find the one soon though.

[Guest PoppyG]

Oh god, MY HEART CRIES FOR YOU! I'm pretty private and rarely post, but I really had to this time. Pull your true friends close and let them love on you. Your heart will thank you for it! Shattered is tougher to mend than broken, but it is possible.

 

Even when your days are no brighter than your nights, try to keep in mind that there is someone out there who is willing... no who needs to make you as special to him as he is to you. It's really, really hard to take risks and make yourself vulnerable but there are really caring, nurturing daddies who will meet you where you are and support you through.

 

BUT be careful. It's so easy to touch a tender heart, and you're the only one who can protect it... that's your job. Your close friends will help you, even hold you up when you need them to, but you're the only one who can protect your heart. Keep it safe, just don't close it off so tight you smother it. 

 

Find your happy place, it is out there.  Be better SOON!

xoxo