Genuinely clueless and trying to keep my cool (depressing stuff so be cautious)

[Guest Avi]

My parents have had an absolute shit marriage for 20 years. My father (45) always bossed my mother (41) around and forced literally every responsibility on her. Long story short, he manipulated her through the years and his intimidation tactics scared my mother out of fending for herself. The more recent years it has declined somewhat because i became his scapegoat. Everything that went wrong in his life he wordvomited onto me.All his failures were projected onto me. To make matters worse, i have always been considered a failure since i didnt want to be a famous football player. (Made that decision when i was 11) he has never "forgiven " me for giving up on a future. All he cares about is status and money. But alas, hes just kind of a dick. Fine, i can take it. And i did. For a good couple of years granted, i did end up getting depression and suicidal tendencies plus an attempt, i thought i dealt with it fairly well because no one really knew how bad it was. As long as i could keep on smiling.

 

Eventually a few months ago i saw an opportunity to move out and i took it quick as the devil. I now live in another country, working at a great company with even greater friends. Almost immediately after i left, everything fell apart. (Asif it was whole in the first place lol) my father lost his scapegoat and my mother lost the person she would unload all her emotional baggage on ever since i was about 14 years old. Ive seen the worst of both of them. Always wondered why no one called the police when they screamed at the top of their lungs. On multiple occasions i had to retain every single shred of selfcontrol to not lash out at them both physically and verbally. They both have a history of getting into my face and pushing/pulling/hitting/throwing shit at me. I took it all. I have a lot of patience and am not agressive. But the past year, i started retaliating. Now that im an adult and both taller than my mother and physically far stronger than my father, they both think twice before trying to abuse me in any way. (Fun fact: my father talked about killing me before i would have the chance to walk away and i stared him down and called him out on his bullshit)

 

My mother started respecting me the last few years but she still allowed my father to spew all his hate on her while i was always protecting her. I always had her back even when i had to lie about thousands of euros of debt and so much more.

 

Anyway, coming back to right after i left home. Not even a month after, my mother told him she wanted to divorce. Shit hit the fan. My father has been begging me to come back and save his relationship for a month now (literally begging) once again, i am expected to clean up the mess. As im writing this my dad is trying to convince me to take a half week off to come back and be the mediator and fix shit that i didnt fucking cause. These people forced me to mature way before my age and stripped me of half of my childhood and all my teen years and now they want to mess with my years as an adult too? For fucks sake it pisses me off how these adults behave like children. It annoys me how i have to be the father to my own damn parents. I hate my father but when we call i hear his pain in his voice and hes still my father. I feel guilty but why? This isnt up to me to fix. Im just lost at this point and trying not friggin lose it. Humor and banter is really what saves me from drowning in this shitstorm. I pretend its not even happening.

 

(Oh also my grandmother fell and is in the hospital and so is my uncle so yay for family drama)

[Guest Appacheian]

Friends are the only people you can pick in life. Family you cannot. You’ve had a shit deal from selfish parents who have used you for their own means. You are an adult now and fortunately survived it all despite their efforts. Go forward in your life, it’s yours. You don’t owe anybody anything.

[Guest Aetherr]

by the way you are talking it sounds to me like you had a lucky escape, i would stay well out of it, if anything support your mother for her decision to end a toxic relationship even if it was a bit late but i wouldn't be going back and putting myself in an environment like that again after just escaping you should tell your father you don't want to be involved anymore and don't budge i don't mean cut family out of your life i mean let them resolve it on their own because you should know that getting involved will drag you down as it has done before, i know its hard and i hope it doesn't get too messy but it sounds like it will....

[PrinzeCharming]

Nobody deserves toxic people in their lives. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Family is always lifetime, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to live with them for your whole life. You made the best decision at the right time. I've seen a lot of families fall apart because the child is old enough to move on. Unfortunately, a lot of relationships are "stuck" with children, and only try to make it work with them being around. It's a shitty way to raise a family. I'd rather not have a father at all than one who pretends to care. I definitely feel the hostility through your words. I feel your stress and anger. I feel the sense of relief the minute you left. And that eye roll when your father called to fix everything. That was priceless. Stay strong, and keep doing you. You made it this far. You only have the future ahead. The past is the past. 

[MarshmallowPeep]

A lot of family drama (as I've come to know) happens because the married couple doesn't even like each other, and they find this out way late, when it is already too late to do much about it; they're tied by finances, ownerships, children etc... But the most important part about the whole issue is to understand it is their issue that started probably years back, and you have no fault in it.

You feel guilty because you still care about these people that have been such an enormous part of your life, people you'll find extremely difficult to live one day out, regardless if they were good or bad parents.

Another important thing to note is that a divorce is not the end of the world. For kids it could be difficult, because it changes the dynamic of their life, but in the long run it is much more healthier for the parents, (who no longer have to put one another through their negativity), the kids (who don't have to experience abuse as they grow up). Nowadays divorce is normal, and shouldn't be seen as something so remarkably scary. And in your case, it almost sounds like the best course of action for them.

[Guest Longlegs]

You don't have to do anything. You said it yourself, it's not your mess to fix.
Chances are, your parents aren't mustache-twirling villains, but two people who happen to go about things in a way that's generally been negative to you.
In other words, going back to them now would rob you of everything you've achieved, in part, because of your family history; whereas being bitter or hating one or each of them from a distance won't achieve anything on its own.

[Guest Prat]

I'm not sure if there's a question there even though I had to read it twice...but I'm gonna guess that you're asking if you should do nothing and watch as things burn down or if you should get back into the frying pan and get burned..

 

Having a similar past to yours (except I'm still in the shit and my mom isn't the problem), I can tell you this. They don't deserve you, you're 19 now (or 20, idk) and you need to focus on yourself and your own future. I know having fucked up people in your family sucks because you love them and want everything to be well and all but that will not happen. He's a prick and she's too weak to do anything about it and if you go back in the middle of that mess with the idea that you're going to make anything better with that, I'm sorry but it's not going to happen.. 

 

The best you can do is support your mom through the divorce, it was the right move and you should be proud of her. (I know how hard it is for a woman to apply for a divorce against an abusive husband)

 

After that just let it be, focus on yourself and your own future. Like you said, they wasted enough of your time already.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

If you cave to your father's wishes this time, you will be asked again and again and again. Either you make the choice to accept that as a part of your life, or you decline.

[Salems lot]

Blood isn't always family, and family isn't always blood.

[Guest Avi]

Thank you all for the replies and insight. I really would reply to every one of you individually but they would all be very long so im gonna do it like this if you dont mind. The main tip im getting is not going back and standing my ground. I thought about it and i decided to follow your advice. Instead of running back to them however, im going back for a holiday for a week. I also have friends back home i miss and i want to support my family through these trying times. Obviously i also miss them. I will come back and leave on my own terms. Thank you fall for the kind words. It means the world.