Letting Them In?

[Guest CaveDaddy]

So, I'm 25 years old. I became a daddy about 4 years ago. My mom had passed away and I met this little that really helped me get through it and introduced me to being a daddy. I loved it from the start. It was like I finally found the thing I was supposed to be. We were together for 14 months. I proposed to her after a year, she said yes. A month later, she stopped talking to me, refused to spend any time with me and eventually told me she didn't love me anymore and that she was "toxic to the people around her." She cut me out of her life completely. It fucked me up quite a bit, but I moved on. Nowadays, I find myself relentless keeping my littles from getting that close again. I'm a good daddy, I'm nice, kind, sweet. I give them attention and structure and I'm never, ever pushy or anything. I just can't let them help me. If I'm upset, they know it, but I won't let them do anything for me. I know that's a shitty thing to do, but it's instinct. I'm not consciously making the decision to push them away. I was raised in the sort of environment in which being soft and sharing was harmful. I began drinking after the breakup, it was the only real coping skill I had. 26 months sober as I type this. 

 

Question is, how do you let them get close? I'm soft as fuck and those tiny little hands of hers could break me. Funny thing is, I'm 5'11" 230 lbs\muscular. It scares me, if I'm honest. 

[Tinka]

Youtube.

 

Video : The gift

Youtube channel : The gift

 

My opinion you dont need to do something, the right person will break your invisible walls without you moving your little finger or understanding how it happened. 

But if you wanna speed up the process, try to let go of things. Yes you will get hurt, but you will be also loved, cherished, accepted and loved. 

Take the risk, and start letting go of your walls. 

[WhysperKit]

I was in a similar situation with my ex-Dom. I threw up every barrier possible, ignored people, basically went into a deep depression. You say you won't let your guard down but when you find the right person, you won't even know you've taken all those walls down for her. It just takes time and finding your person If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned... but how else will you warm up?

[Obsessive_Compulsive]

Letting people in is hard. There is always the chance of them hurting you or you hurting them; it's alright to be afraid of that I think everyone is to some degree. Especially if they have been through some of the things you have been through which I am truly sorry for. What I suggest is that you take baby steps, don't share everything right away, just the small stuff that won't hurt you in the long run. Then as the relationship goes on and trust develops you can give more of yourself to them. 

 

I also suggest that if you struggle in general with expressing yourself and your emotions to talk to a counselor. When I was younger I was very closed off and wouldn't share with my family, this damaged both my relationships with them and my own mental health. After a while of counseling though I began to open up to them a lot more and express myself in a way I never could. It greatly helped my relationships and to this day I believe that communication is key. 

[Kittensubemma]

So, I'm 25 years old. I became a daddy about 4 years ago. My mom had passed away and I met this little that really helped me get through it and introduced me to being a daddy. I loved it from the start. It was like I finally found the thing I was supposed to be. We were together for 14 months. I proposed to her after a year, she said yes. A month later, she stopped talking to me, refused to spend any time with me and eventually told me she didn't love me anymore and that she was "toxic to the people around her." She cut me out of her life completely. It fucked me up quite a bit, but I moved on. Nowadays, I find myself relentless keeping my littles from getting that close again. I'm a good daddy, I'm nice, kind, sweet. I give them attention and structure and I'm never, ever pushy or anything. I just can't let them help me. If I'm upset, they know it, but I won't let them do anything for me. I know that's a shitty thing to do, but it's instinct. I'm not consciously making the decision to push them away. I was raised in the sort of environment in which being soft and sharing was harmful. I began drinking after the breakup, it was the only real coping skill I had. 26 months sober as I type this. 

 

Question is, how do you let them get close? I'm soft as fuck and those tiny little hands of hers could break me. Funny thing is, I'm 5'11" 230 lbs\muscular. It scares me, if I'm honest. 

Unfortunately, I don't think anyone can make you open again. Only you can do that and it's really hard to force yourself to do so. However, I believe when the right little comes along, it will just happen. You will feel compelled to let her in, not just for your sake, but for hers as well. You will want to. 

 

Congratulation by the way on being on your sober accomplishment. keep it up. 

 

[Kittensubemma]

That is not very encouraging and different for all people. Try to keep open minded for him and be hopeful someone can open his heart again.

oh noo. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to discourage him. I might've phrased it wrong. I was saying he shouldn't be too harsh on himself. I understand where he is coming from because I am kind of the same way. I used to think there was something wrong with me because of how hard it is for me to really let people in. With my ex-boyfriend, it just kind of happened naturally. Yes, it wasn't easy, but I was able to do it thanks to him. He's my one of my best friends now. But i was able to see that no one can make you change. But sometimes the right person comes along and helps you or makes it easy for you to get to where you were aiming. 

 

That's what I was trying to really. sorry to CaveDaddy if it came out wrong and seemed discouraging. it wasn't my intention. 

Thank you MinaTheLittlePrincess for calling me out on it and your awesome message above too

 

 

Edited July 28, 2018 by Kittensubemma

[Guest CaveDaddy]

I took absolutely no offense to it, Kitten. You're fine. I know that it's on me to fix it. It's why it's taking so long. I'm not asking for someone to come along and give me the secrets to being happy. Just wondering if anyone goes through the same and how they handle it.

oh noo. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to discourage him. I might've phrased it wrong. I was saying he shouldn't be too harsh on himself. I understand where he is coming from because I am kind of the same way. I used to think there was something wrong with me because of how hard it is for me to really let people in. With my ex-boyfriend, it just kind of happened naturally. Yes, it wasn't easy, but I was able to do it thanks to him. He's my one of my best friends now. But i was able to see that no one can make you change. But sometimes the right person comes along and helps you or makes it easy for you to get to where you were aiming. 

 

That's what I was trying to really. sorry to CaveDaddy if it came out wrong and seemed discouraging. it wasn't my intention. 

Thank you MinaTheLittlePrincess for calling me out on it and your awesome message above too

[Kittensubemma]

I took absolutely no offense to it, Kitten. You're fine. I know that it's on me to fix it. It's why it's taking so long. I'm not asking for someone to come along and give me the secrets to being happy. Just wondering if anyone goes through the same and how they handle it.

Okie

 

[MinaTheLittlePrincess]

oh noo. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to discourage him. I might've phrased it wrong. I was saying he shouldn't be too harsh on himself. I understand where he is coming from because I am kind of the same way. I used to think there was something wrong with me because of how hard it is for me to really let people in. With my ex-boyfriend, it just kind of happened naturally. Yes, it wasn't easy, but I was able to do it thanks to him. He's my one of my best friends now. But i was able to see that no one can make you change. But sometimes the right person comes along and helps you or makes it easy for you to get to where you were aiming. 

 

That's what I was trying to really. sorry to CaveDaddy if it came out wrong and seemed discouraging. it wasn't my intention. 

Thank you MinaTheLittlePrincess for calling me out on it and your awesome message above too

I didn't mean any harm. It goes for you too. Keep your head up girly

[Guest Yourspoopylilmonster]

I agree with what people have sad thus far.

 

When you have walls up it truly is hard to find someone. It takes a very special person to break the walls down. It may not even be a little who does it. It could be a friend or family member. It all depends on who you want to give that trust to. Letting someone see the real you and being that vulnerable is kinda scary but is not impossible!

 

Keep your head up and keep on searching! When you do find the right person i am sure it will be a beautiful thing. ^.^~

 

 

Sorry for rambling..

[Kaiser]

Despite all the naysayers, it IS on you to make YOURSELF happy again.

 

 

No one but you can give you any "secrets" to being happy.

 

You can't find true happiness in someone else. That would be enabling, like an alcoholic or junkie quitting for other people.

 

No.

 

Use this opportunity to find yourself, and be happy with.......wait for it......

 

 

 

Yourself.

Edited July 31, 2018 by Kaiser

[Little Illy]

...but I won't let them do anything for me. I know that's a shitty thing to do, but it's instinct. I'm not consciously making the decision to push them away.

 

I was raised in the sort of environment in which being soft and sharing was harmful.

 

I began drinking after the breakup, it was the only real coping skill I had.

 

26 months sober as I type this. 

 

Question is, how do you let them get close? 

 

Baby steps, my friend, baby steps. 

 

What some are saying above is true - it has to come from within you otherwise the change will never stick. But just because you are prone to push people away, that doesn't mean you can't overcome this.

 

I have a few different pieces of advice: 

 

1. First, and most important, is to not rush into any other relationship. You are admitting that you have a barrier you put up with potential partners, this means you need to work on yourself for a little bit before bringing another person into the mix. Even if it is just you, soul searching, and coming up with plans on how to cope and deal with the instinctual need to close her off. You need understanding of yourself and commitment to the partner, in the very least, to give them the respect of knowing of your "problem."

 

So take time to do some research, some  reflection and gain a better understanding of your ideal partner. When you feel you are ready again, take even more time vetting which little you want to try to connect with. Your "issues" revolve around trust and communication. Those two things cannot happen naturally over night, over a few days or weeks. It takes time to truly get to know a person, even more so when you are prone to retreating away from openness. So allow you and any potential partner to truly get to know each other before you ever introduce aspects of a relationship or this dynamic. Grow together as friends first, it is honestly the best way to beat the Trust Barrier.

 

2. Secondly, you need to understand there is always going to be a risk of heartbreak. I know people getting divorced after 50 years of marriage. Nothing is guaranteed, except for how you feel. So if you feel like you can make a connection with someone, try to focus on that. Focus on why that person is worth the risk, how that even during the bad the good was all the while worth it. And it is actually the bad parts of our life that helps us respect and cherish the good. 

 

3. If you are predisposed to pushing them away then you need to work on your communication skills.

 

My Daddy is a Grade A Self-Sabatoger because he was raised to believe he was literally never going to find someone who loves him. Literally. And if something is going well, he should be weary because it would never last. Because of this upbringing... he has tried to push me away many, many, many times. I happened to see the exact psychological pattern he was creating and I discussed it with him. We broke it down and he ended up realizing he was the one who wouldn't let me do anything for him. He kept pushing me away. He was always doubtful because of how he had grown up to think.

 

So we worked on it together - when I started seeing the signs of him pushing me away, I called him out on it; "Daddy, your'e closing up on me." "Daddy do you really want to be alone because you are pushing me aside." "Do you really think X, Y, and Z are going to happen, or are you afraid of getting too close?" And then we talk it out. 

 

You are past the point of recognition, you see this "flaw" in yourself, and that is a good thing. You now have the power to control it. Talk to any future partners about it, let them know you have these tendencies. Inform them that your mind closes off to protect yourself. Over time, and with the right partner, you will feel comfortable opening up more and more. 

 

4. Write it out. Discussing these things can be terribly difficult, let alone to someone you truly care about. No one likes to explain personal "defects." But that is what you have to do, for the fairness of any future partners. So, an easy way to make sure you have explained yourself is to write it out. 

 

Take a moment when you are not stressed, not desperate for a partner and are in a calm place. Remove the pressure from yourself before you write. And once you do, just explain everything. Talk about how your last partner hurt you. Explain how you two opened up with this dynamic, you were engaged and suddenly things changed. Explain how you were raised to not show emotions, and go into further detail on how your break up actively encourages this. Once the base is set, then build your plan.

 

Set out some expectations (on yourself) and ask the potential partner for help; "When X happens, I tend to go very quiet and want to be alone. It is because its hard for me to process X. When this happens, I'm not feeling anything negative towards you, but rather X is stuck in my head. During these times when I can't get X out of my head, A-D tend to help me relax. Maybe you could remind me of A-B?" 

 

What you are saying here is that you actively have a barrier but you want to work around it. And more importantly... you are including your partner instead of just shutting her out. You are giving her the opportunity to help, support, suggest, comfort and even call you out on BS. This is how the woman in your life SHOULD be. I call Daddy out on it, still to this day, because sometimes he still needs help. He gets grumpy because he realized he has fallen back to old patterns, but after a little while, he thanks me. Thanks me for understanding and not just giving up. And why would I? I love him. And that is what you need in a partner. Someone who is going to love you for you, yet help encourage you to improve yourself, at your own pace.

 

5. Mention your sobriety. Explain this whole side of you, put it in the writing. Why? Because women will see the 26 months sober vs the X amount of months heart broken and drunk. This shows someone who is actively trying to better himself. That is an attractive trait, but more important than that, your partner deserves to know in case you ever slip up.

 

Talking about your sobriety and your past issues with alcohol is a way of opening up. It is a small way of letting a potential partner support you, without ever really doing anything. This should be your first baby step. Explain it and when you feel that urge to drink, you can now turn to them in that moment; "Hey, this past week has been so rough for me, I'm craving a beer. Do you think we could hang out/chat/skype/etc for a little bit to get my mind off of things?" By doing this you are 1. not tunneling into your psyche and baring your soul but 2. you are allowing your partner to help you. You are going to her instead of pushing her away. This is a great baby step to work with, to start getting used to and comfortable with opening up more.

 

At the end of the day there is no secret, but rather trust is what gets her closer. You have to trust her, and trust comes through communication and actions over time. There are many things you can take responsibility for in owning up to this "issue" - but there are many, many subtle ways to start to get used to opening up as well. It just takes determination, the right communication and an understanding best-friend for your partner.