So.. yeah

[SoulEater]

I've started doing short writings again.. a friend said I should post them here as people will see them but I don't think they are any good... but here goes

 

Number 1:

 

And as I cast my wings open and take the leap of faith I trust in my ability to keep myself afloat

 

 

Number 2:

 

my walls corrode from the waves of depression sweeping over me I reach to my friends, the girders that strengthen my fortress, the hands that touch my soul and keep my spirit upright.. here's to you the strong, the broken, the brave and the fearful that keep me afloat in this vast sea.

 

Number 3:

 

And the rays from the sun touch my skin like the the warmth of a mother's hug, there is safety in light and warmth yet we wouldn't know this without a little darkness now and then

 

Number 4:

 

"Hey..." she announces as my eyes lay upon her name.. my heart races, like a steam train chugging along. She does this every time I enter chat, yet the effect is still the same. Her spirit you see is that of a stallion, free and wild to roam, her personality like that of rain it soaks everyone it touch's, yet not in a bad way more like fresh rain on a hot summer's day. I find my self lost in her eyes.. drowning in desire. I long for this moment daily yet hate it.. the fact we are just two souls behind a screen and a keyboard... we are far from each other no matter how connected I feel.. and I hit reality with a thud, as my fingers land on my keys.. "hey" I respond.. and she will never know my feelings.

 

I know they are not exactly long, they were meant as statuses.. but let me know what you think, I may post more.

[Little Illy]

Love love love love this! Very thought provoking and well written! 

 

Keep writing, especially if you get positivity from it!! There is much to be said about the therapeutic and down right fun nature of writing!

[SoulEater]

Thank you Illy

[LittleCelticLass]

Number 4...beautiful. I feel that in my soul.

 

They are all lovely. Keep writing. And thank you for sharing.

[CaresAlot]

Wrting no matter how long, takes time to meld it altogether into a piece of art.  Then even if you think its good, takes courage to put it out there for others to get a look into your vision.

 

Its good stuff and I also applaud the courage and effort that went into the creation and putting it up there for others to see. 

[Guest JackSkellington]

Number 4. Anyone who has ever chatted has felt like that. Loved it brought back memories.

[Guest Mossy]

Deleted

Edited September 13, 2018 by Mossy

[SoulEater]

No. 5

 

Pressure building, like being in a vice,

Roaring in my head, like the thunder in the skies.

It goes dark, not like night more black clouds.

 

A daily struggle as if floating here wasn't hard enough. When I get a migraine it's like someone has tied an anchor to my feet. I swim harder and harder trying to keep my head above the water. But it's no use, as water fills my lungs like oxygen once did. I feel myself slipping away. My eyes close, bit this isn't the end. When they open it's clear skies, the sun touches my skin as my body blossoms like the summer flowers.. You see tomorrow is a new day, a day of clear skies and warm rays.. here's to tomorrow! The future where I belong.

 

 

Be honest I can handle C.C rip them apart tell me what I'm doing right or wrong

[Little Illy]

No. 5

 

Pressure building, like being in a vice,

Roaring in my head, like the thunder in the skies.

It goes dark, not like night more black clouds.

 

A daily struggle as if floating here wasn't hard enough. When I get a migraine it's like someone has tied an anchor to my feet. I swim harder and harder trying to keep my head above the water. But it's no use, as water fills my lungs like oxygen once did. I feel myself slipping away. My eyes close, bit this isn't the end. When they open it's clear skies, the sun touches my skin as my body blossoms like the summer flowers.. You see tomorrow is a new day, a day of clear skies and warm rays.. here's to tomorrow! The future where I belong.

 

This is very good, however I would recommend editing the third line:

 

"It goes dark, not like night more black clouds." - Maybe something like "It goes dark, not unlike a rolling plain of black clouds" or something simple, "It goes dark, black fog rolling around me." etc.

 

That is my one recommendation, and only because you added:

 

 

Be honest I can handle C.C rip them apart tell me what I'm doing right or wrong

 

 

Your writing is very well done, but that one line is a hiccup for me in your smooth rhythm. 

[SoulEater]

Thanks illy ^.^

[ThePoet]

Be honest I can handle C.C rip them apart tell me what I'm doing right or wrong

Alright.

 

It's all too memetic. Your choice of language is too generic. While I can't necessarily fault you for retreading the same well-worn ideas and concepts - it takes a proper sense of artistry to create new avenues of thought or vision - I do take issue with your sense of expression. These seem like the same old shallows pieced together from memetic language and proven sentence fragments. Things like "cast my wings," "leap of faith," "walls corrode," "warmth of a mother's hug," "stallion, free and wild," "drowning in desire," "thunder in the skies," "head above water" and "blossoms like.. flowers" (there are many more here) can be found in a thousand previous works and heard a hundred times in day-to-day language. They're verbal shortcuts that rely on the fact that they are so common that you can use them to express a deeper idea without having to put any original thorough thought in. Don't get me wrong: memetics are an important tool in a conscious society. But you're not trying to speedball an idea here; you're trying to express yourself, to create. If you're going write the same tired stories, you need to use new and exciting language, and if you're going to use memetics and recycled language then you should be doing it in artistic and subversive ways, with fresh concept. Otherwise you're only repeating things which have been done better before you. As a side note, I'm not a fan of starting cold with "And..." It seems cheap, under the implication that this is a specific select passage chosen from a larger work, giving it false merit and gravitas.

 

But if you write, it's something you never really stop evolving at. You learn more words and formulate more ideas every day and if you truly want to grow, and you allow yourself to, your work will continue to improve.

 

C+ for effort. Keep it up.

Edited July 31, 2018 by papapresents