Intro to the Dynamic - Megathread Adapted

[Little Illy]

Hey guys! As some may know I have been working on a Megathread about what is important to look into when entering this dynamic or questioning parts of it. As it turns out, my Megathread has reached 40+ pages and I have decided to take it down a different route (eBooks). However, since this all started as a request from members, I decided to put out a trimmed version of the more important parts of this thread. 

 

I am sorry if some are disappointed for not having the full version, but hopefully this will help regardless! As such, this thread is a generalized piece on the beginning stages of the lifestyle. I will be quoting from my other pieces that I have written - I am simply too lazy to rewrite it all from scratch - and I will link the threads at the bottom for anyone who wants to read further. Also, any quotes that are not from myself are being used with the consent of the person who wrote/said/explained their standpoint. 

 

___________________________________________________________-

 

You're Preference 

 

When it comes to you and this dynamic, it is important to realize that there are many people out there who aren’t just a DD/MD or an LG/LB. A lot of people identify with many things. To use myself and my Daddy as an example:

I am a submissive, a little and a pet. My sub side enjoys hard handling, being tied up, and being degraded. My little side loves Daddy being lovey and affectionate, as well as being put in her place with a stern voice or light punishment (lines, corner time, etc). While my pet side it totally non-verbal who responds best to tactile commands versus words. Daddy is the opposite of me, he is a Dominant, a Daddy and a Primal. He enjoys delivering those things I like, which is why we fit so well.

But why did I explain us? Because it shows that a lot of people aren’t just a Daddy or aren’t just a Little. And this is typically when people get confused. “Oh, I thought you were a little, not a pet,” or “Didn’t you say you were a Master? When did you become a Daddy?” Now, don’t get scared. People will not be mean if you identify with more than one role or identity. But it is important to understand the fluid nature of this dynamic as it does incorporate many things. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Some people only identify with one, others identify with 10! All it means is that there will be people out there who understand who or what you and your identity are. Why? Because there are so many people who fit just like you!

Along with where you may fall on the spectrum of identities, there is also a heavy percentage that a lot of people in the community do not understand. And I was one of them. It is possible to not have any form of D/s in your CG/L dynamic. Because this type of element is still fairly foreign to me, I will quote a friend who I think explained it best. When it comes to CG/L not having a D/s element:

“My personal viewpoint is that CG/l and DD/lg (or MD/lg, etc.) are not quite the same. She stated that DD/lg is a subset of D/s. I would say that DD/lg is where CG/l and D/s meet. Semantics time: DD/lg (MD/lg) is really CD/l or CD/ls meaning Care Dominant/little or Care Dominant/little submissive. Notice that this denotes both the caregiving aspect of the Dom as well as the little aspect of the submissive. Dominant and submissive are both included which would make it a part of D/s. However, an argument could be made that the opposite does exist where the little is actually the Dom: cs/LD or care submissive/Little Dominant. Because both a submissive and Dominant exist in the dynamic, it still falls under D/s.

 

As for CG/l (Caregiver/little: notice the lack of either Dominant or submissive in the designation), there is a different dynamic, one in which neither person is consistently dominant or consistently submissive. Nor do they ever acknowledge its existence. A "vanilla" dynamic in which both are generally equal where neither conform or wish to conform to a power dynamic. The caregiver would still give baths, read stories, etc. but there is no expectation of control. So, yes, it is a relationship where they just are together. Just as any other non-power dynamic relationship.

This means that it is possible to be a Daddy or Mommy without being a Dom as well as being a little does not require being submissive. You can participate in and enjoy a CG/l relationship without any D/s at all. Or, you could be in and enjoy a CD/ls relationship where the power dynamic exists and it is both CG/l and D/s.” (2)

As you can see, when it comes to DDlg, or any CG/L, there are spectrums for every aspect, and that is okay. The best way to look at it, is that there means there is no right or wrong dynamic. Whatever works for someone is correct, and what may not work for someone is just as correct. This includes whatever you may identify within the dynamic as well.

For the sake of this piece, I will still use the CG/L identifier for everyone who partakes in this dynamic, regardless if they include D/s or not. And it is important to understand a lot of people do the same to try to be inclusive (our version of political correctness), just as much as those who actually do not include D/s see CG/L as a very specific label. I am using it here to include every person in this type of dynamic (D/s or non, Male or non, Female or non, etc) and am in no way devaluing the meaning it may have to others.

Safe Words

The first thing you have to know about safe words is this: Any Dom, Top, Daddy, Mommy, Caregiver, etc who refuses to use safe words is someone you do NOT want to start out with. That is someone you do NOT want to explore with. And the same can be say for any little, bottom, etc who doesn’t want to use one. This is a LARGE red flag in our community and I advise you all to stay away from those who don’t believe in safe words.

With that being said, I know you are asking, what are safe words? Well, they are an indication that something is too much. It the world of D/s, a Safe Word is used when a limit is being tested and may have crossed the line unintentionally. It is any word you and your partner(s) have agreed upon that means cease and desist. Common safe words are those you wouldn’t normally say during every day conversation, but there can also be a set of safe words. The most common set are ‘Red, Yellow, and Green’ - these are explaining the mindset of the person whose boundaries are being pushed:

Red = Stop immediately, I can’t handle this, please help.

Yellow = I am getting very uncomfortable, but I am willing to try for a bit longer, please be mindful.

Green = I am good, we are good, full steam ahead!

But you don’t have to have a set of words, it can be one simple word. To expose Daddy and myself a bit more: We came up with the safe word “Abate.” We use that as our personal safe word and have agreed that Abate is our Red.

Let say you and your partner (for simplicity sake we will say a Mommy Domme and her little boy) want to experiment with being tied up and then have some sort of sexual exchange. Let’s say they are both excited to try it out and can’t wait to start. But let’s also say the moment the LB is tied up, he becomes claustrophobic, his anxiety spikes and it is becoming harder and harder for him to concentrate. In this moment nothing matters except him being untied.

So he says the safe word they have decided upon, lets say its Pineapples. This word indicates that everything must stop and must stop NOW because he cannot handle it. The MD then has the responsibility to get him down and administer some Aftercare (which will be explained in greater detail later on). And this responsibility can easily be reversed. Let’s say the site of her LB being tied up and vulnerable is too much for this MD because she is a softer CG than most. She has every right to say a safe word and undo what was about to happen to help her own mental health.

For you out there who are asexual or do not see sex as a part of your dynamic, safe words are still very much an important feature to have. Daddy and I have a safe phrase we use when not being sexual and that is our PG-13 version of a safe word. But instead of stopping all boundary pushing actions, what this does is allow us to discuss why we are starting to become overwhelmed in our dynamic. For example:

Let’s say that MD and her LB are watching TV and the LB is eating some chips out of a bag. The MD decides he has had enough and tells him to stop, he disagrees and she is about to “punish” him for talking back to his MD. However, the LB feels it isn’t fair because they never discussed food control before. So he could say something like “Mommy, stepping out, I am not comfortable with you telling me what I can and cannot eat.” The ‘stepping out’ is a way of saying a boundary has been pushed and they need to discuss it, even though it isn’t sexual. They are now talking partner to partner and not Domme to little, they are on even playing field which should indicate the severity or seriousness of the request being asked.

Boundaries are not just limited to sexual sessions, we all have boundaries that we keep in mind and with this type of dynamic there are so many more for each person. Which is why, even if a couple (or group) is non-sexual, they really should keep a word or a phrase for when things get overwhelming or past a limit. Because the whole point of safe words (asides from stopping the distressing action) is to understand no one is at fault. The person using the word is no way to be at fault for stopping whatever is happening because they need to make sure they are mentally safe as well as physically. And the person administering the actions or words that cause the safe word isn’t at fault either (with pre-agreed consent and understanding) when their partner is overwhelmed. That is what exploration means - to go where you haven’t been before. And the safe words are the life raft that keeps you grounded.

The only time a person is at fault is when they ignore your safe words. If you are with a partner who disregards your safe words, you are very close to being in an abusive relationship. I say close, because some people literally do not understand what safe words are, what they mean and how they are used. But those who do understand all of this, and still refuse to acknowledge the use of the words, they are the ones you want to run far, far away from. If a person refuses to accept things that upset you and that is more important than their personal gratification, it is abusive and isn’t a place you should stay.

Safe words are just another way to be careful and mindful while exploring yourself, your partner and your desires together. It can be sexual, it can be platonic, but what it comes down to is understanding when a person means “STOP” and following through. Both CGs and littles can and should have safe words, almost all partnerships and relationships should have safe words, even if they aren’t used. Why? Because you never know what could happen. Something can work and/or be pleasurable the first time with certain conditions, but the second time it could be hell and needs to stop. The safe words aren’t there to limit your experiences, but rather navigate them with back up.

 

 

Aftercare

Regardless of what kind of dynamic you fall under regarding this type of relationship, there is one thing you must always, always remember, and that is Aftercare. People in any BDSM or Kink scene (should) automatically know that Aftercare isn’t an accessory to any of those dynamics or ours, it is a necessity. But some people don’t realize it is very much applicable to even a “soft” dynamic like CG/L.

So what is Aftercare? Well, it’s when a partner provides a very specific and very intensely connected form of care, and it typically happens after a session, sex, a trigger, frustration, or any other extreme emotion that leaves the person unsteady. What Aftercare is, is reacting to their partner’s vulnerability or ‘come down.’ I am going to use a BDSM example to explain, but will come back and tie it into the CG/L dynamic after:

During a BDSM session a lot happens within a person’s body for obvious reasons, one of those things is the release of numerous chemicals in the brain. Aftercare is designed to help when the person experiencing that release is coming down from all of the saturation. Adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, and any number of chemicals can be flooded during a person’s session depending on what it is. So when the effects of those chemicals wear off, the person is going to feel unbalanced and exposed (on most occasions). This is when the partner, or both partners, come together and just be with one another in any way that is comfortable to them. It could be just snuggling, watching tv, having sex, moving to a different room, taking a bath, etc. This bond helps a person balance out what can be extremes in a session (humiliation, sadism, subservience, etc) and their need for comfort as a person. Sometimes even the things we crave and need can still be a lot for us to process emotionally, which is where Aftercare comes in.

Aftercare is whatever a person needs it to be, which means what someone needs is never wrong. Now, there are examples of Aftercare, but when determining what is appropriate, the partners must turn to one another. And if something isn’t working like it normally would, then open communication is required; don’t be afraid to ask your partner “what do you need right now?” because sometimes they might not know either.

The above really only points towards a Kink Session (as an example), but Aftercare is required in a purely CG/L based dynamic as well, even when there isn’t a sexual component. There are so many reasons why CG/L is an extremely complex and intimate dynamic and because of that, there are just as many triggers. Aftercare is designed to help with those triggers.

Sometimes littles don’t know how to respond to situations (like everyone else), but when they don’t know how to respond to a situation and they are immersed in their little side everything can seem like too much. And when littles are overwhelmed, even the normal things can be triggering. I used a BDSM session example, but now I will use an example that has happened to a little outside of a session (and one I am personally familiar with):

I was sick for roughly 3 weeks with some fairly decent issues. During that time, even trying to figure out how to shower was so overwhelming I would cry. Almost everything was a trigger. And during that time, Daddy frequently had to lay me down and just comfort me because I couldn’t think for myself. I was in a fragile state of mind and after each time I broke down or felt vulnerable, Daddy cared for me.

In a CG/L dynamic (in this case, without D/s), Aftercare is still just important for the maintaining care for each person involved. The example above showed how Aftercare is helpful when a little is overwhelmed and coming down emotionally. And I did that on purpose. Most people believe Aftercare must come from a sexual session and is only for the sub/bottom/little/etc. That is not at all true. Doms/Daddies/Tops/etc all need Aftercare as well. I spoke about Dom Drop and that is the majority of when your CGs would need Aftercare. But reflect upon when I was sick. What happens when your CG gets sick and overwhelmed? They need care as well.

So what separates the Aftercare from the “regular” care that is exchanged in a dynamic? The difference is that Aftercare isn’t regular; it changes form, length, actions and so on. Regular care is a CG making sure the little goes to bed on time, takes the vitamins in the morning, focuses on work when needed and so on. Aftercare is anything and everything. Getting extra blankets, turning out all of the lights / turning them all on. Not being forced to say a single word until ready to do so. Having a specific drink ready that relates to what is going on; gatorade for hydration, hot tea to soothe, chocolate milk for comfort, etc. Aftercare can be a specific soundtrack being played, a specific movie or a specific cuddling position. Again, I know all of these things sound like regular care - but the thing with Aftercare is that it happens on a whim.

Let’s say you have a little who is comforted by stuffies, her favorite blanket and quiet time. Now after a trigger and during some Aftercare what she needs is no stuffies at all and needs to be in her Daddy’s lap while he talks nonstop. Aftercare is singularly based on what the person emotionally needs in that very moment. Not just what is good for them over all (like bedtimes, vitamins, exercise, etc), and may be something they never found comfort from before.

I know of Daddies and Doms who needed Aftercare, and in that moment, they needed to be controlled. Told to lay down, told to drink this, told to watch this, told that X, Y and Z will happen for the rest of the night? Why? Because that Daddy had just spent an entire week being a top-notch Daddy and a kickass employee and a loving partner. But now his stress got to him after playtime and he needs some Aftercare, in the form of not controlling everything. I actually had a discussion with a Daddy Dom and he presented some very good questions revolving around Aftercare. With his consent, I am going to add those questions here:

- How does after care work in a long distance relationship which is primarily text based until further notice? How would I give aftercare in such a circumstance?

Daddy and I were in a LDR for 15 months and over 9134 miles, so this I have direct experience with. When I needed Aftercare (AC) Daddy and devised a baseline and it was all via video skype whenever possible (9 times outa 10):

1. There was never to be a 'fun and run' - Daddy must stay with me after for a decent amount of time and vice versa. That way we never felt like a used toy.

2. Daddy was in charge of making sure I had what I needed after. Because of the time difference it was normally putting me to bed. So he would tell me to drink a full glass of water (hydration), makes sure my stuffies are all aligned properly (so they could keep an eye on me and comfort me), turn off the lights and turn on my nightlight (to help promote a soft ambiance), turn on my difuser (to give a soothing air space) and any other "stable" things that helped me unwind for my day.

Now of course if Daddy needed AC, things were different, but I will get back to that in a second.

3. Daddy would ask yes/no questions to gauge where I was. It was yes/no so that way I didn't have to speak if I didn't need to. He would start with the basics: Are you okay? Are you ready to unwind (start the list above)? Do you need a few more minutes to be here? And then it would move into a little deeper to determine my headspace: Are you feeling little/like a puppy/etc? Do you want to remain silent? Do you need Daddy to do X, Y, Z (comforting or bonding things - movies, being read to, etc)? Asking questions during AC is very important in ensuring you help your little the way she specifically needs right then.

And that was the baseline - Daddy was responsible for following through with those actions (unless explained below). It is all very effective in LDR and many nights falling asleep with us both on skype video and muted was the best form of AC because when I would open my eyes he would be there as I drifted back off. He would put his laptop aside (with video open) and just keep an eye on me for hours. And I actually did the same for him. In an LDR - that brought us closer together.

- Is it important to express aftercare needs before or as it's needed?

It is important to discuss AC as a concept with your partner in general. The baseline I spoke of were things Daddy and I came up with together to be a standard AC staple. It allowed us to both have some guidance, while also being flexible to the unpredictable nature of a session or exchange. However, as the AC is being actively needed, discussing it then is also important. But whomever is giving the AC, they must remember that their partner may be in a fragile state of mind. So be cautious to use phrases like "Sweetheart, what can Daddy do to make you feel happy (or safe, comfortable, relaxed, loved, etc)", vs "Jane Doe, what do you need?"

- During aftercare, do rules and general routines take a back seat until the wave has settled?

Short answer? Yes. AC is happening predominantly when a partner is feeling overwhelmed. They may even look lethargic, and just moving can be overwhelming. In that moment the person who needs AC needs reassurance more than rules and punishments. It is establishing the mental balance that everything is okay because sometimes even intensely pleasurable sessions can knock a person into being overwhelmed. And I use that highly positive example to show it can happen with anything (stress, a trigger, etc). So reassurance, validation and communication are vital during that time.

- You mentioned CGs needing aftercare too, is it important to express this, and should i do so before or when it's needed?

This is the same as discussing AC in general - a basic discussion on the fact that you, as a CG, may need AC is needed to be hashed out. CGs can become overwhelmed just as easily as littles. And when it happens, they require AC just as much as the littles do. So create an understanding and have some contingencies.

Daddy and I agreed that if we were both in a situation where we needed AC at the same time, we would have a list of 5 pre-approved movies and we would just watch them in order, no words needed (unless expressed otherwise). We would watch at least half of one movie, pause and then just type if the other one was okay and move on from there to our baselines (I'd ask Daddy all the same things like he would me). Sharing AC is an effective way for both partners to have a smoother come down, but it isn't always needed.

- Could aftercare requirements changed from one event to the next?

Absolutely. I can best describe this in an example. Daddy and I had a few DDlg sessions that required AC and he did the cutesy stuff that made me relax and laugh and everything. But we then had our first LDR D/s session and my AC was vastly different. I had hit sub drop so incredibly hard that Daddy had to help me regain focus. To help "bring me back" out of that subspace. I wasn't upset or hurt or anything negative, but rather it was an intense session and I was stuck in "sub mode." So Daddy's main responsibility was to get me back out of that hyper submissive state and it eventually led me to my puppy state (my easiest headspace to relax).

That is why AC is different from "regular" care - you have to be diligent when deciding what is going on, and on point with the communication.” (3)

Aftercare is one of those things you can prepare for, but need to keep an open mind while it is happening. And that goes for both CGs and littles. Both ends have an emotional investment and both ends have a responsibility of care for the partner in general. No one is exempt from giving Aftercare just like no one is exempt from ever needing Aftercare.

 

 

 

Identities Within the Lifestyle

As I mentioned above, many identities can easily be seen in this community, and in fact this dynamic has numerous identities solely rooted in CG/L. Some of your typical identities are; Daddies, Mommies, Infant Littles, Littles, Middles, Switches, etc. Yet, some identities are harder for others to acknowledge or just understand. And that is okay, it just means they may not have heard or seen someone unlike themselves. But there are a lot more to a person’s identity than just what role they prefer/are. And below are some of those elements.

With a lot of identities, roles and elements of our dynamic in general, people try to enforce that stereotypes are solid and true and any deviations are wrong. That is no one true way and any type of stereotype is just that - a broad idea of what something may be like, but doesn’t necessarily mean it is true. Even if a person fits every single stereotype of their role, it doesn’t take away their validity. From here on stereotypes should really be seen as an example of what something can be, not what they are. And for the sake of this piece, that is exactly how it is going to be. Stereotypes = an example. Nothing negative and nothing positive, a neutral example of what can be.

Sexual / Nonsexual

CG/L is just like every relationship when it comes to sex - some have a lot, some have a bit and some have none. Sexuality is an individual element, not a dynamic element (relatively speaking). Because of this, we have a responsibility to know where we stand on this matter and make sure to communicate it clearly to our partner or potential partners.

Sexual in the dynamic - Let me debunk the myth that sexuality in this community means something evil and sordid (that begins with a P). If you are a sexual person and are in this dynamic, what that means is… you desire sex from your partner. That is it. But let’s take it a step further and help support those who have been slandered over the years.

There are different things that are a sexual turn on for those in the community. People are sexually attracted to pigtails, skirts, frilly socks, pacis, onesies, their partner acting little, wearing diapers, and so on. Some enjoy watching their little get shy, shuffle those feet or apologize for breaking a rule. Those would be considered “extremes” from the outside world, but here, I want to tell you, it is not a bad thing. Many people have struggled over the fact they find those in the dynamic sexually attractive because of the stigma they hear. And what you need to realize as you enter this journey is that… just because you may like these things sexually, doesn’t mean you like the Bad Stigma.

The Bad Stigma won’t be mentioned for obvious reasons - but if you ever need reassurance make sure you tell yourself “I like these things when my adult partner shares them with me” or “I like these things when adult actors portray this role” because that is the truth. You can have a heavy sexaul component in this dynamic, but that doesn’t mean you have anything to be ashamed of. No one should be ashamed of being sexual when it is safe, sane, legal and consensual.

With that being said, you have a responsibility while you are in this community. And that is to be honest about your sex drive and to be RESPECTFUL of those who do not match it. This should not be new, this is the same thing every single relationships has to deal with and it is no different here. What IS different is the fact that some people inherently are just turned on by the CG/L aesthetic and some people just live it without any sexual involvement. Both sides of the spectrum are correct and neither are wrong or strange. What is wrong is knowing this difference, and yet trying to force your partner to match your level when you know they are uncomfortable with it. Again, this is nothing new - every single person who enters ANY type of relationship has to have this capacity of understanding.

Nonsexual in the dynamic - Now let’s debunk another myth; you DO NOT have to be sexual to have this dynamic. Actually, from what I have seen it is split fairly even when it comes to sexual or non in our community. Yes there are a ton of people who sexualize this dynamic (and they aren’t wrong to do so), but there are just as many people who see this dynamic as a non-sexual relationship. And they are just as valid.

A lot of people see this dynamic as a carefree way to get away from the stressors of Life. They see it as a way to express themselves freely and be who they are, and sometimes sex can be too serious an element to add into that mindset. And that is okay. Even coming from the CG’s (DD or MD) standpoint - sex could even be too big a responsibility when all they want to do is relax and keep an eye on their little. The bottom line is this - even if other people find this dynamic inherently sexy, that doesn’t mean YOU have to.

When it comes to sex and the dynamic, it is like everything else, there is a spectrum. Because it is a spectrum, sex can (or can not) be applied to many aspects of the dynamic. Using punishments as an example, we can see how someone who is sexual, slightly sexual and not sexual at all can adjust punishments to their liking:

“Highly sexual - Punishment for those who typically revolve around sex. This is because the entire dynamic is revolved around sex (more or less). As with the rules, punishments help distinguish who has the authority and who must follow. Again, it is all about the power exchange. So the punishments for Roleplayers are like:

- Spanking/Whipping

- Edging

- Suspension/Restraint

- Sexual chore

The punishments aren't set in place necessarily to reconstruct behavior, but rather to dictate who is in charge and who is not. These are playful punishments that the little enjoys because s/he is being put in that submissive mindset. Yes they are punishments, but they are enjoyable for both parties. Even if it is an thing she is not fond of, the act of being his little and doing as the CG says is pleasurable.

Semisexual or Nonsexual - The same concept is applied in punishments as in rules for the lifestyle; there can (and more times than not, there are) be sexually based punishments for the littles in this group. However the focus here is to influence behavior overall and in a permanent (or long term) manner. The CG is conditioning the little to behave accordingly and to do this, the punishments have to be just that - a punishment. Something unwanted and to be avoided. These punishments are like;

- Writing lines

- Sitting in the corner

- Not allowed to have a stuffie for a specified time

- No special treats for a specified time

Because the lifestyle does mix together playtime and daily life, some punishments can be playful. When lesser rules are broken a lesser punishment can be a spanking. And if the little likes spanking, that can lead into Playime (sexy time). But overall the punishments are undesirable and structured for the benefit of the little's health. “ (4)

Though the above thread I have quoted is about the spectrum of how deep a person can live with this dynamic, it still does portray how sex and the dynamic can be fluid. The thing to take away is - being you is what is right. And even if you don’t find an abundance of partners who have the same sexual drive as yours, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t out there nor does it mean it cannot be incorporated (or left out of) the dynamic. The special and amazing thing about this dynamic we love so much is that everything can be adapted. Sexuality can easily be incorporated just as much as sex can be eliminated altogether.

 

 

Brats

Let’s talk about Brats. Brats are those littles who like to push the rules or downright break them. There are MANY reasons why a brat is a brat and it would take too much to expand upon them all here, so I will explain the most common reasons: test authority, has an alpha streak and simply does not like rules. Brats, like any other identity, is also on a spectrum (and yes, I will always point the spectrums out - they are that important).

Brats are an underrepresented portion of the CG/L life because most littles call themselves brats when being bratty. And, like the example in pets, not all littles are brats but all brats (or most) fall in the little/middle/sub/bottom category. “True” Brats are misunderstood because of what is said directly above, and there needs to be a distinction between bratty littles and just a Brat in general. Bratty littles are littles who throw tantrums or pout or simply do not listen from time to time. They normally follow rules and enjoy being “the good girl/boy” but they are still capable of having bratty moments.

Brats, on the other hand, rarely fulfill the typical “good girl/boy” role enough for most CGs. Brats constantly test the mettle of their CGs because that is just who they are. It doesn’t mean they don’t respect or love their CGs less, but rather, it is simply a part of their persona to act a certain way. And yes, there are plenty of CGs out there who love and cherish Brats and all of their bratty nature.

A lot of Brats (not all!) have trust issues and being a brat is a test of the authority of their CG. From personal experience, before I realized I acted this way, it was common of me to push buttons and boundaries because I wanted to see if I had a Daddy who was as strong as I am (mentally). A lot of Brats do this because they have very strong personalities and require a firm hand to keep them in line. The kind of brat I was, was one who pushed to get punished, then I listened. A lot of strong, independent littles can’t have just any CG, they typically require someone of equal or higher mental fortitude. This is where all of the tests of strength (mental, physical, patience, follow through, etc) comes into play. These tests are in no way an offense to the CG, its not a mind game to manipulate them, but rather the Brat going “okay, can s/he handle me as ME, and not some stereotype little?” Of course, not all Brats are legit testing for compatibility, other Brats are actually Alphas (or even Switches) as well.

If a Little has an Alpha steak, being a Brat is a way of melding those two identities. People use the “Alpha” role/identity differently, so for the purpose of this piece, we will say an Alpha streak is when a Little actually has a dominant streak but isn’t actually a Dom/me. This is where you see a person who has natural leadership or has massive problem solving skills and tendencies, yet they identify as someone who relinquishes those parts of themselves to submit, or to trust a CG to take over for them. This passing of the torch can be extremely difficult for those with an Alpha streak as giving up the control of decision-making can be daunting to someone who has always had it.

A person who has a natural Alpha streak tend to take longer to connect with their potential CG, why? Because they need to see if they can adapt to relinquishing their instinctual tendencies to pave the way. It may seem extremely confusing to the person with the Alpha streak, yet is a little, because most people see those two traits as mutually exclusive. But they are not, not at all.

The easiest way to explain how an Alpha may act is to think of a powerful CEO type of woman (stay with me here) - she runs a tight ship, she figures out problems before they arise and everyone is assured of who is in charge with her. Yet when she gets home, to her partner, she takes off her work hat, and her Alpha Coat and then lets herself be seen for how she is - a sub, or little or pet or whatever she may be. But the fact of the matter is, she follows her natural identity with her partner, which is to submit and be little, and at work she follows her other half of the natural identity, the Alpha who gets things done.

Brats are a lot like this because during their time as a little or sub (etc), their Alpha side may rear up because that side of them is just as valid. An Alpha could easily be in littlespace but something may trigger their Alpha streak (not always in a negative way) and because of this, they defy or try to change the balance of power without realizing. Their little side slips while the Alpha takes over. Normally this is where “Brat Taming” comes into play as it shows the Alpha Little that they can fully give themselves to their little side, just as much as they can their Alpha side. Typically this is when the Alpha and the Little side manage to coexist as they begin to realize they can stop controlling (or service-controlling) everything and just be little.

Now, not all Brats have a Dom/me or Alpha streak in them, so if you do not, do not feel like you may not belong in this category (if you identify with it already). Another, and BIG reason why people identify with Brats is because they simply do not like having rules. They enjoy the stereotypical (again, example and not slander) bratty “things” - disobeying rules, getting their way, throwing fits, challenging their CG, etc. They simply enjoy this specific back and forth. They enjoy the idea of being “their own CG” all the while having the love and connection and playful banter with their actual CG.

All of this may sound exhausting to CGs, and that isn’t a bad thing. Brats can be a lot to handle, and we know this. But there are people out there who adore all types of Brats and the loving  discourse it can add to their dynamic. As I mentioned above, there are many reasons why a person may identify as a Brat and that is okay. As always, Bratism is on a spectrum and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

 

Open vs Poly vs Mono

 

Some of the biggest shocks of leaving the world of vanilla relationships and entering any sort of dynamic, is that people can happily be with multiple partners. There are many different situations of how a relationship could work that depends on the number of people involved, so for the sake of simplicity I will discuss the three big ones; an open relationship (Open), a polyamorous relationship (Poly) and a monogamous relationship (Mono).

 

But let me preface this with the simple fact that people sometimes use these terms interchangeably (Open, Poly, etc) because that works for them or that is how they have learned them. I will stick with my definitions for this piece, but be aware that not everyone will agree with these specific labels.

 

But before I get into exactly what those relationship types mean and how they can affect people and so on, everyone needs to be clear on two things:

 

1. Being with multiple partners does not make you a cheater, less lovable or loyal, or a horrible person.

 

2.   If your other partners do not know of each other, you ARE a cheater. These relationships only “count” or are only valid if everyone knows about the other and are all on the same page. If anything is in the dark - move away from the situation.

 

These relationships are not what you may have heard; they do not mean that these people are incapable of love, or that they are sleazy people who just want to sleep with everyone. These people who are not Monogamous are people who experience love differently, that is all. I urge you to leave any negative associations of Open and Poly relationships aside as you read further as you will find they love just as much.

 

Monogamous Relationships - So Mono relationships are the “regular” relationships everyone knows of. Two people remain loyal to each other in all categories. They are the typical relationship. Now, just because this is the typical thing, it doesn’t mean they are less than the others. A common misconception that some Open or Poly minded people think is that Mono minded people can’t love as much. They can’t accept love the same or that they can’t see love clearly. But this is not true, at all.

 

Those who prefer Mono relationships are actually able to be slandered or bullied just like the others can. So this is a clear sign that being in a Mono relationship can be just as fulfilling as the others. You can be in a Mono relationship and try everything and anything and not need another person to enjoy intimacy (not just sex) and affection. And that does not make you anything other than perfectly You and perfect for each other. Don’t feel like you are missing out or don’t feel like you cannot feel love as strongly as they can. Because Mono relationships are just as amazing and loving as the others.

 

However, a thing to remember if you identify as Mono; just like being Mono doesn’t make you inferior to the others, it also doesn’t make you superior to them either. There is a lot of negative thoughts that come from those who believe in Mono in regards to the others, and it is mostly what I have covered above. But, really, what those who are Mono need to realize is everyone else feels the exact same way, but they just express and live differently. And the same for Open and Poly minded people.

 

A lot of the negative feelings come from misunderstanding, or not even knowing, about how any of the others work. So before anyone starts thinking along those lines, take some time to do research.

 

Open Relationships - Open relationships are where a lot of confusion comes from. An Open is when you have a couple who dates other people as well. Yet the dates don’t necessarily interact with the other original partner. This is where a wife can have a boyfriend or vice versa. The boyfriend doesn’t have to be a boyfriend to the wife’s husband, they don’t have to even be friends, but sometimes they do become familiar. However, the one thing that HAS to happen for an Open is for the husband to know about the boyfriend and the boyfriend must know the wife is married.

 

Open relationships are not for everyone, so what is mandatory for a true and successful relationship is the obvious; clear and consistent communication. This is more important because even in Open relationships, there is betrayal, cheating, etc. The couple must discuss what is okay and what is not okay. What type a person the other can date (male/female, little/DD, Dom/sub, etc), they need to come to an agreement of what can happen during the dating (sex, using the dynamic, going away on vacations, etc) and they need to make sure that everything is explained and understood beyond question.

 

People desire Open relationships for many reasons, so here are just a few:

 

• Different sex drives

• Different dynamics

• Does not enjoy/limits self to being with just one person

• Have aspects of life that cannot be fulfilled in current relationships, yet they still love each other

• Allows a more secure social scene for this mentality

• Allows balance to come to some relationships that really need it

• Etc

 

Of course Open is not for everyone, and that is okay. But it does help a lot of people experience and live the life they want to life. An easy example:

 

Let’s say you have a couple who have been together for 3.5 years. They are fully in love but suddenly, the boyfriend found out he is a Daddy Dom. He does research and explains it all to his girlfriend. She does not enjoy this dynamic at all, yet the boyfriend is finding he really needs it. Another year passes and the couple have a sit down to discuss the boyfriend getting his needs met. The girlfriend still dislikes this dynamic as she does not identify as a little. So she has agreed her boyfriend to become the Daddy to a little. However, it has to be nonsexual and has to be online until the girlfriend feels comfortable with them otherwise. The boyfriend finds a little and now forms a relationship with her. He discloses the fact his is in a long-term and committed relationship but there is no DDlg. The little agrees to the situation and now he has his loving girlfriend and his doting little. Everyone knows of each other, everyone knows when something progresses and changes. And everyone is happy.

 

As you can see, this is actually a fairly common type of relationship in our community. A lot of people are in a marriage that doesn’t support the dynamic and so a lot of husbands and wives look for their CG/L partners to fulfill that side of themselves. And that is awesome! That means they have partners who love and care about them! But, what you can also see is how this all only works with completely honest communication.

 

If you are in a relationship and decide to get a second partner without understanding or consent from your current partner, you are cheating. If you tell your husband/wife that you need a Daddy/little and promise it will be platonic, yet you have a sexual component with the Daddy/little (even just typing) then it is cheating. If you tell your partner that you need an Open relationship, they say no, yet you find another partner anyways, then it is cheating. Just because you may need an Open relationship, that doesn’t mean that you can date multiple people at once without their knowledge or consent. That is not an Open relationship, that is deception and selfishness.

 

Polyamorous Relationships - Poly relationships are very similar to Open, and that is where a lot of confusion come from. Poly and Open can blend from time to time as people experiment and grow. But they are two separate types of relationships. Polyamory is when a couple decide they want a third person (or fourth or fifth, etc) to join their relationship. Poly is when a couple becomes a triad (etc) by including another and sharing their entire relationship with that person.

 

Poly becomes a bit taboo because Poly is an incredibly hard to pull off, if not done correctly. And so society focuses on how the label Poly is used incorrectly and brings a negative impact on those involved. Like Open relationships, Poly is seen as people who just want to sleep with or date anyone they want. Poly is seen as one person controlling and manipulating other people. Poly is also explained as a relationship for someone who can’t commit. And all of these are incorrect. There are people who label themselves as Poly and are the negative situations above, but that is not what a Polyamorous Relationship is.

 

Being Poly can bring a lot of wonderful things for those who are committed to the responsibility. Poly allows another person to receive the love from the original couple as well as love them back. They all “date” and they are all in a relationship so their intimate world is expanding. There is always connection and communication. Now just because they are Poly, that doesn’t mean they have to spend 24/7 together. The wife and the girlfriend can go off on a date, hang out, have sex, participate in a dynamic and any other relationship elements just the two of them. And the girlfriend and husband can do the same. And the husband and wife can still just be the two of the as well. The key to this relationship is to value each relationship it fosters as well as nurture the group relationship that is formed.

 

There are many forms of Poly relationships that I will not cover in here. But know every type requires the strict communication. A major issue across the Poly board is jealousy or resentment, and that is where the extra effort is needed that you don’t see in a Mono relationship, and sometimes not even in an Open relationship. If there is a triad, yet two of the three are together way more than the one, it can cause issues. So it is necessary to keep everyone involved and feeling valued and loved.

 

Poly relationships are incredibly hard, and there are considerably less successful Poly relationships in comparison to the other two. This type of relationship requires the three plus people to share every single thing with each other (problems, ambitions, fantasies, etc) because they are in it together. Any withholding can cause friction. If the girlfriend keeps going to the husband for advice and for company, the wife may feel left out or like the girlfriend isn’t comfortable sharing her issues. There are so many things that cause misunderstanding that if you are not with people with whom you trust implicitly and in a place where you cannot express yourself to everyone involved, then things can end drastically.

 

Most people find a Mono relationship extremely difficult. Think of all of the people asking for advice because they are too nervous to discuss an issue, a fear, a need or a desire with their current partner. None of that can happen for a Poly triad, otherwise the system, and relationship, will fail. But don’t let all of the weight bog you down.

 

If you are able to freely communicate and keep a fair balance, a Poly relationship literally just doubles the amazing feeling a loving and successful relationship has. Think of the moment, watching TV with your partner and just loving the feel of home and companionship. Now envision that with two people. You are all best friends and you all love one another. That is what a Poly relationship lives for. The sense of loving community. The sense of not having to hide your true self to another person alongside your husband/wife or bf/gf. It is a way to expand that love and affection in a safe and understanding viewpoint.

 

All in all these relationships, Open, Poly and Mono all have wonderful things going for them, and they all have pitfalls regardless of who partakes. The thing to remember is this; they are all just relationships, people connecting with other people. Love spreading. But they all have their responsibilities and the more people involved, the more responsibilities there are. So these relationships should never be taken lightly nor singularly. Be open and own what you need from a relationship, and communicate that clearly. If you do so, you will find someone who fits what you need, whether it be a single person, or two or more.

 

Hopefully this found some of you in good graces and made a difference. Again, I am sorry if I have let anyone down for not posting the entire thread. But I want to say thank you for those who have helped me with this endeavor! And as always, if anyone ever has any questions, I am always around!

 

 

(2) https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/33235-cgl-ds/ (SFW) Quote from Dean.

(3) Private conversation with Professor Optics on DDlgForum - his consent of ownership of the questions was given.

(4) https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12897-ddlg-the-serious-end-of-things/ (SFW) Adapted for this piece.

 

[Author's Note: This piece has not been edited, please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. Thank you.]

[Guest QueenJellybean]

howdy! 

 

this is a fantastic thread with some really great information here, but as someone involved in polya personally for the past 8+ years, i'd like to clear up a couple things about that dynamic for anyone interested.

when i was a moderator, i wrote this resource for folks interesting in learning more about polyamory! this thread gives a very nice little overview or starting point, 

but there is a lot more to it (that the OP admitted she wasn't going to cover, so no harm there!) that i'd like to bring to light. 

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12926-polyamory-basics-by-belle/

 

my inbox is also always open for anyone specifically interested in polya questions. 

thanks for taking the time to compile this information! 

[Little Illy]

 

this thread gives a very nice little overview or starting point, 

but there is a lot more to it (that the OP admitted she wasn't going to cover, so no harm there!) that i'd like to bring to light. 

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12926-polyamory-basics-by-belle/

 

my inbox is also always open for anyone specifically interested in polya questions. 

thanks for taking the time to compile this information! 

 

You are absolutely right! This thread was originally intended as a starting ground, a place where a person can get an idea on where to go from there. Everything (in this thread) is a short and trimmed version. Because the original intent of this post was just that - an intro! But you are right, there is so much more, which is why there is literally TONS of literature on the very topic!  And I urge EVERYONE to turn to all the good sources on this forum, including the other members

Edited July 24, 2018 by Little Illy

[Guest SayiaBoo]

Wow, lots of info here!