why do i care...

[novadesu]

as the title says why do i care...

 

me and my sub broke up to give some backround.

 

me and her were together for a while we met and she wanted me we matched so well...i helped her get away from her abusive ex bf into a safe place and gave her the submissive life of her dreams we both werent perfect but we were us and i accepted her and everything that came with it even tho we had our bad times i was there for her yet she cheated on me then changed and said i was the same as all her exes...she left and said she was more happy saying so many nasty things about me and then when i said i dont care she said i never loved her or care if she takes her own life....

 

now she blames herself she sats sorry and that nothing is my fault...she doesnt eat or sleep anymore...or takes care of herself..

 

so why do i care about her why does it hurt to see her like this when she hurt me so much...why am i like this

am i really as terrible as she said 

 

--------------------------------------------------------

update on what happend 

 

she gave me an answer saying that me and her were never gonna be a thing again so i said okay and gave her some advice and wished her the best.

 

she really took it wrong and then said that ahse was planning on talking with me and taking it slow meaning about wanting to be with me

 

wich at this point blew my mind so hard and confused me.

 

to top it off at the end she said ''i told you what i want and you dont want that or me so fuck it''

 

so yeah in about 5 min she whent from not wanting anything with me to was going to take it slow and then to saying i dont want her 

 

not much to say about it really 

Edited July 30, 2018 by novadesu

[H4ndlebarD4dddy]

Like you said, both you of you weren't perfect. But from how I understand it, she's a broken person who only uses people for her own pleasure and gratification. Hence why she was with an abusive person and didn't end it in favour of you at the time. She used you as an escape tool, a rope if you will (Which you was in this situation). To get out of the hole she dug herself (She and her abusive bf) and once she got out and felt all free. She tossed the rope (You)

 

It's tragic and plain disgusting.

But I hope you learned something about such people and can now recognize them before they hurt and use your affection and manipulate you being all artificial themselves

and just listen to their own needs and discard who you are.

 

Carry on, be strong. Her words don't matter, she used you.

[novadesu]

Like you said, both you of you weren't perfect. But from how I understand it, she's a broken person who only uses people for her own pleasure and gratification. Hence why she was with an abusive person and didn't end it in favour of you at the time. She used you as an escape tool, a rope if you will (Which you was in this situation). To get out of the hole she dug herself (She and her abusive bf) and once she got out and felt all free. She tossed the rope (You)

 

It's tragic and plain disgusting.

But I hope you learned something about such people and can now recognize them before they hurt and use your affection and manipulate you being all artificial themselves

and just listen to their own needs and discard who you are.

 

Carry on, be strong. Her words don't matter, she used you.

thanks i know just so fucked up

[Guest LittleMapleBear]

From the sounds of it, it sounds like the two of you are better off apart - and it sounds like it's better that it happened sooner rather than later.

 

Whatever your ex-sub is going through is her stuff to deal with - it doesn't reflect on you at all.  Also, what she is going through is none of your business.  You can't control or fix what is wrong in her life - only she can do that.  You can only focus on your life and what you're doing.  If you want, you can be her friend, offer her comfort and support, but she has to do the hard work of fixing her life.  

 

I won't say "You should go out and find someone who will really appreciate you" - because I don't know there is someone out there for you - it's quite possible there isn't - but what I do know is your relationship with her lasted for the amount of time it was supposed, and it ended when it was supposed to.

 

The choice you have now is are you going to be frozen in this moment, or are you going to learn from this and take the best practices and lessons learned, and move forward?

[novadesu]

From the sounds of it, it sounds like the two of you are better off apart - and it sounds like it's better that it happened sooner rather than later.

 

Whatever your ex-sub is going through is her stuff to deal with - it doesn't reflect on you at all.  Also, what she is going through is none of your business.  You can't control or fix what is wrong in her life - only she can do that.  You can only focus on your life and what you're doing.  If you want, you can be her friend, offer her comfort and support, but she has to do the hard work of fixing her life.  

 

I won't say "You should go out and find someone who will really appreciate you" - because I don't know there is someone out there for you - it's quite possible there isn't - but what I do know is your relationship with her lasted for the amount of time it was supposed, and it ended when it was supposed to.

 

The choice you have now is are you going to be frozen in this moment, or are you going to learn from this and take the best practices and lessons learned, and move forward?

i get what you say but its abit hard when she emails me saying sorry and saying that it was all her fault and that she isnt taking care of herself it hurtsmto see her do that to herself

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Not a professional, but maybe research borderline personality and see if it fits?

[Little Illy]

Not a professional, but maybe research borderline personality and see if it fits?

I’m not a professional, but I do have a degree. I agree with BPD but also bi-polar may be a thing to look into as well.

[Guest Arc]

Also not a professional, but I've dated two guys with BPD before who behaved very similarly to that so I also think it's worth looking into. 

 

As for why do you care? Well... sometimes even when we get hurt we still care because all the good things aren't automatically erased by the bad. Sometimes when you put that much into helping someone it can be hard to step away. And sometimes it's as simple as we're just empathetic to someone who's hurting. I do not know you but I doubt you are as terrible as she said. It sounds like she's going through a very tough time and may not be thinking straight. 

 

It sounds like she needs professional help. You already tried to help her, but sometimes as regular people we don't have the time, resources, or skills to help people. I think at that stage she needs to see a professional. It's up to you if you're going to stay by her side for support, but if you do I hope you put yourself and your needs first and if you need a break out or anything do that. 

[Guest You're adorable.]

People like your ex sub are not rare at all. I am pretty sure there is some psychological term, a label if you will, but I don't think labels are necessary in analysis of behaviour. Much like in particle physics, we ended up with dozens of subatomic particles, that we just labeled and threw into the bin, the same applies to psychology, in my opinion. Yet, physicists have always strived for generalization, unification of electromagnetic and weak force etc. Ok, sorry for my rambling, where I am going with this is the fact that you don't need to know encyclopedic definition of a disorder to see what's wrong with a person.

 

This is something I have seen (too) many times. My working term for this kind of behaviour that your ex little exibits is "Eternal prison". People like her live in perpetual suffering. I don't know her background, but all I need to know for this is her abusive ex. As was already said here, you gave her a way out of this suffering, but her wanting to get out was just an illusion. These people crave their suffering, they do everything to prolong their prison. And she did it very well. She had her share of negativeness, and when you two split up, she realized perhaps that there is no more room for her to suffer. So she went back to her old scenario, wanting to use you again for her personal (if somehow twisted) gratification. A never ending loop of negativness and suffering.

 

As to why do you care? Because you are a caregiver. I too had problem with this, seeing a helpless little that suffers triggered every piece of a caring person in me that it possibly could. And if you also add emotional and/or romantic attachment, the story writes itself. You shouldn't blame yourself for this. You have a big heart, like many caregivers do. The sad fact is that big heart is an easy target for a flying dagger. I would tell you to be more careful about who you pick, but knowing that you only ever truly know a person in a situations that bring out their true nature, it's kinda hard.

 

So my advice would be this. Learn, observe, generalize. This will make it easier for you to spot a person that may cause you pain and suffering. Easy to say, hard to do for sure, but no relationship was ever easy.

[Guest Aetherr]

sounds a lot like emotional abuse and manipulation, if you care about her then it may be for the best to make sure she gets some help for the experiences she has been through but don't let what she says affect you mentally you were there during her most vulnerable time and that counts for something its just a real shame she threw it back in your face i hope you find some peace soon

[Kaiser]

"i was there for her yet she cheated on me then changed and said i was the same as all her exes...she left and said she was more happy saying so many nasty things about me and then when i said i dont care she said i never loved her or care if she takes her own life....

 

now she blames herself she sats sorry and that nothing is my fault...she doesnt eat or sleep anymore...or takes care of herself.." She left you, she cheated on you. She was never your sub.

 

Let that sink in.

 

 

 

Run, don't walk. Stop all contact. Block phone, email, etc...etc... You will not "fix" her. Period.

 

Find yourself. Do something you enjoy, for YOU. Move on.

Edited July 22, 2018 by Kaiser

[novadesu]

thanks everyone for the advice and support just bin wanting an answer from her since she has changed again and now takes the blame on herself like i said she isnt taking care of herself and its hard for me to see her like that after all i whent trough to take care of herself again.

 

she emails me here and there saying she cant sleep and when i offerto listen to whats srong she will juts ignore it and say good night.

 

she does have ptsd and anxiety and i did find out she did use me and faked loving me towards the end but it doesnt make sense she is terrible at lying even when she cheated i kinda knew but didnt wanne believe it.

 

rn i feel emotionally empty like i dont feel anything all i want now is an end to this so i can move on.

[Kaiser]

thanks everyone for the advice and support just bin wanting an answer from her since she has changed again and now takes the blame on herself like i said she isnt taking care of herself and its hard for me to see her like that after all i whent trough to take care of herself again.

 

she emails me here and there saying she cant sleep and when i offerto listen to whats srong she will juts ignore it and say good night.

 

she does have ptsd and anxiety and i did find out she did use me and faked loving me towards the end but it doesnt make sense she is terrible at lying even when she cheated i kinda knew but didnt wanne believe it.

 

rn i feel emotionally empty like i dont feel anything all i want now is an end to this so i can move on.

 

She was never your sub. She was the Dominant in the relationship, and she's still Dominating you.

 

Either accept that you are the submissive to her, or cut all ties and move on.

 

It's that simple.

[novadesu]

She was never your sub. She was the Dominant in the relationship, and she's still Dominating you.

 

Either accept that you are the submissive to her, or cut all ties and move on.

 

It's that simple.

uhm she was the sub i am very sure off that man i get what you are trying to say but her being the dom or sub has nothing to do with this i am a dom in a relationship but that doesnt mean i cant get hurt lol even a dom can have a hard time and to a dom his sub is super important.

 

i dont really care what happens next but as how i am i have a caring side and that still means i do care for her safety.

 

eeach person has more then one side to them you know

[Kaiser]

^ QED

[Little Illy]

She was never your sub. She was the Dominant in the relationship, and she's still Dominating you.

 

Either accept that you are the submissive to her, or cut all ties and move on.

 

It's that simple.

 

Why is it always black and white with you? I HIGHLY recommend you do some DECENT research because its appalling to think how everything in your mind is linked to a power control. Its not. Its psychology.

 

OP - you care because you grew with her, even her unbalanced and unstable side. You flourished, even in the toxic relationship, which meant she became someone important to you. It would be abnormal not to care. Caring is good, caring can keep you grounded. Just don't forget to care about yourself primarily.

 

What you need to honestly do is distance yourself. YoureAdorable was right when he suggested she is the perpetual victim. That is a real "thing" and it definitely messes up someone's psyche. She needs some help and unfortunately I don't think you are nearly enough to help her. She sounds like she needs serious professional help.

 

If she doesn't, then she does need to be avoided. She, if not mentally ill, is highly manipulative and malicious to you and your dynamic. You two are not going to lived a happy life together like this. Ever.

 

Try to figure out what route you want to take. But be aware it may be best to take that route without her.

[Kaiser]

Why is it always black and white with you? I HIGHLY recommend you do some DECENT research because its appalling to think how everything in your mind is linked to a power control. Its not. Its psychology.

 

OP - you care because you grew with her, even her unbalanced and unstable side. You flourished, even in the toxic relationship, which meant she became someone important to you. It would be abnormal not to care. Caring is good, caring can keep you grounded. Just don't forget to care about yourself primarily.

 

What you need to honestly do is distance yourself. YoureAdorable was right when he suggested she is the perpetual victim. That is a real "thing" and it definitely messes up someone's psyche. She needs some help and unfortunately I don't think you are nearly enough to help her. She sounds like she needs serious professional help.

 

If she doesn't, then she does need to be avoided. She, if not mentally ill, is highly manipulative and malicious to you and your dynamic. You two are not going to lived a happy life together like this. Ever.

 

Try to figure out what route you want to take. But be aware it may be best to take that route without her.

You're awfully interested in my thoughts, as you continually comment on them. I'm sensing a bit of "mall cop" about you.

 

And if you want to get into a genital waving match in regard to understanding of the human condition, both academically and life experience wise......please.....please do start it.

Edited July 23, 2018 by Kaiser

[ThePoet]

You're awfully interested in my thoughts, as you continually comment on them. I'm sensing a bit of "mall cop" about you.

And if you want to get into a genital waving match in regard to understanding of the human condition, both academically and life experience wise......please.....please do start it.

I'm not sure which academia has taught you that feeling love is a form of submission, but it's a concept that you have thrown around a couple of times and one that I also have a huge problem in reconciling. I assume it's the same school of hard knocks which teaches you that being abrasive and confrontational when challenged is a responsible reaction? Do you have a Masters in genital-waving?

[Little Illy]

I don’t want to derail this thread as the OP has genuine questions and I feel this forum can help.

 

You're awfully interested in my thoughts, as you continually comment on them.

 

.....please.....please do start it.

I’ve only countered twice and feel no need to prove myself to you. I do feel the need to call out bad advice when I see it. And as the OPs of the two threads have done, I have “continually” called you out and both have disagreed with your analysis. Maybe put your dick down and relax.

 

I’m disengaging in this troll. OP I wish you the very best. And, Papapresents?

 

I'm not sure which academia has taught you that feeling love is a form of submission

Thanks for pointing this bit out. Glad I’m not the only one. Edited July 23, 2018 by Little Illy

[Kaiser]

I'm not sure which academia has taught you that feeling love is a form of submission, but it's a concept that you have thrown around a couple of times and one that I also have a huge problem in reconciling. I assume it's the same school of hard knocks which teaches you that being abrasive and confrontational when challenged is a responsible reaction? Do you have a Masters in genital-waving?

No, that's your interpretation of what I have "thrown around". Hey, maybe love to you is being cheated on and used, which was the case(s) in which I have referred to. Different strokes I gues...

 

Your inability to reconcile it isn't my problem.

[novadesu]

well this has turned into a mess

 

Why is it always black and white with you? I HIGHLY recommend you do some DECENT research because its appalling to think how everything in your mind is linked to a power control. Its not. Its psychology.

 

OP - you care because you grew with her, even her unbalanced and unstable side. You flourished, even in the toxic relationship, which meant she became someone important to you. It would be abnormal not to care. Caring is good, caring can keep you grounded. Just don't forget to care about yourself primarily.

 

What you need to honestly do is distance yourself. YoureAdorable was right when he suggested she is the perpetual victim. That is a real "thing" and it definitely messes up someone's psyche. She needs some help and unfortunately I don't think you are nearly enough to help her. She sounds like she needs serious professional help.

 

If she doesn't, then she does need to be avoided. She, if not mentally ill, is highly manipulative and malicious to you and your dynamic. You two are not going to lived a happy life together like this. Ever.

 

Try to figure out what route you want to take. But be aware it may be best to take that route without her.

thanks for the advice and i know she needs professional help wich she was getting but i guess she gt herself into some things again.

when i didnt look out for her or helped her she would get herselg in trouble so i am not sure if she is getting that help still.

 

the thing rn is i honestly just want it to end like the back and forth really she emaild me and i asked her what she wants so we can end this en yet no answer so it seems she is avoiding it so yeah.

 

You're awfully interested in my thoughts, as you continually comment on them. I'm sensing a bit of "mall cop" about you.

And if you want to get into a genital waving match in regard to understanding of the human condition, both academically and life experience wise......please.....please do start it.

also i think you had the right intentions but beind a dom doesnt mean you wont care about the other person even when they hurt you no matter you are still human and a dom and sub devote themselfs to one another so its normal for me to still care as for a dom his usb is the most important to him 

 

yes she fucked me over big time but that doesnt mean just cuz i still care about her that she is the dom thats not how it works and i think you should look into what being in a dom/sub relation is before you speak 

[Kaiser]

well this has turned into a mess

 

 

thanks for the advice and i know she needs professional help wich she was getting but i guess she gt herself into some things again.

when i didnt look out for her or helped her she would get herselg in trouble so i am not sure if she is getting that help still.

 

the thing rn is i honestly just want it to end like the back and forth really she emaild me and i asked her what she wants so we can end this en yet no answer so it seems she is avoiding it so yeah.

 

 

also i think you had the right intentions but beind a dom doesnt mean you wont care about the other person even when they hurt you no matter you are still human and a dom and sub devote themselfs to one another so its normal for me to still care as for a dom his usb is the most important to him 

 

yes she fucked me over big time but that doesnt mean just cuz i still care about her that she is the dom thats not how it works and i think you should look into what being in a dom/sub relation is before you speak

 

Please explain how her cheating on you shows her devotion to you.

 

Thanks.

[neworder]

Not a professional, but maybe research borderline personality and see if it fits?

 

 

I’m not a professional, but I do have a degree. I agree with BPD but also bi-polar may be a thing to look into as well.

 

Psychology was my favorite elective, so I have a few courses, like abnormal psych. I don't really see anything that would rule it out, but need more info.

 

Assuming BPD, you are the most evil person in the world to them after you leave them. I bet most exes she would describe is 'the most evil person on earth'. Guess what? When you are her ex and she knows there isn't a chance of getting back together, you will be the next 'most person man on earth'

 

I can even see the cheating explained away as being the day you didn't give her 110% of your attention and affection.

 

Terminology aside... there is no reason to associate with such a toxic person. Avoid seeing her in person, unless you have a witness.

[Kaiser]

I can even see the cheating explained away as being the day you didn't give her 110% of your attention and affection.

In

 

^ Nailed it.

Edited July 23, 2018 by Kaiser

[novadesu]

Please explain how her cheating on you shows her devotion to you.

 

Thanks.

it does not show any.

 

please explain how her cheating makes her the dom? 

like i think you should stop cuz you are not helping and even botherd people who wanne help