you don't have to read this

[theoddpetal]

I'm just sad today and wanted to let it out here, where no one knows who I am, before I have to go back to confront the reason for why I'm sad.

 

I'm still trying to figure out why I'm so upset by the argument I had with my mom, other than the obvious reasons. Obvious reasons being that I had a full tub of sour cream thrown at me, yelled at for leaving my breakfast out while I left to calm down, yelled at for leaving the room to calm down in the first place, and all this five minutes before I had to leave for work. Of course, I was late, but you try being a teary-faced authority to a class of kids playing in paint. Trying to pass it all off as 420 eyes doesn't have the same effect with kids and parents as it would with friends.

I just don't want to move back in with her and dad. Not only are they the main cause to my anxiety issues, I'm here trying to be a well functioning adult. Not wanting to move back in with the parents shouldn't end with me covered in sour cream and wrongly placed shame. I yelled back and got hit for it. "Who are you to yell at me!" I'm a human with emotions! It's completely inane to detract from the main argument for a reason like that. It just made a bigger mess out an already messy state.

After a couple more minutes of throwing the blame at me and me trying figure out her reasoning she stops, takes it all back and tries to apologize. I was running late and just didn't want to hear it, especially right before work. I don't want to, I never want to, but I know I'm going to take her half assed apology only for this to happen again in a couple of weeks. She most likely is having trouble with either my dad or brother. I've tried to have conversations with her on her behavior towards me when her home life doesn't go her way. She just laughs it  off and makes it difficult for any further discussion. She's not a bad mom, a little egocentric sometimes. Maybe its just me. I'll deal like I always do, but I'm so tired.

[CaresAlot]

In Texas we have all sorts of great thoughts about various situations.  You never want to argue with stupid people. You have to go down to their level and they will beat you with experience every time.  That is basically what keeps happening here.  Its a cycle that you have seen time after time and it always ends the same with you a wreck.  Just change stupid people to abusive people.  You need to stop reacting the way she wants you to, to be hurt and then she can apologize and make you feel better even though you won't feel better.  She gets her fix.

 

Stop taking the bait, she has you pegged as an easy target.  For instance, if you get sour cream tossed at you just pick it up clean it up.  Don't yell and don't say anything about it.  In other words, don't bite down on that hook she is tossing out there.  You'll start looking at these things in a different way.  How immature she is and how minimal her self control is - just sad and you will start to control the situation.  Don't get hooked and don't go down to her level.  Same with getting yelled at.  When she is done yelling look at her pause and then say I'm sorry you feel that way or that's interesting way to look at it.  You are not going down to her level and staying out of her hurt locker.  She will have to find a different outlet for her issues.  As with a lot of things in life to make them better you have to break the cycle.  

 

I've done mixed martial arts for over two decades.  Never had to use any of these skills in anger.  Why, because the best fight is the one that you never get into.  Some of your anxiety is from getting into these fights and you get punched in the face every time.  Time to break that cycle and be the adult, the one in control.  Don't get sucked down to her level, you are going to start seeing this coming and stepping out of the way.  Lot of anxiety is from not being in control and you can learn to control this. 

[theoddpetal]

Thank you, MilkPop. I really appreciate that you didn't give blind advice and openly admitting to not knowing what you don't know. I really was just venting out where no one knows who I am. I'm not looking for advice, though opinions and a sharing of experiences are def welcome. 

 

CaresAlot, as your name implies, I'm sure your words are coming from a good place, but please don't place me into a preconcieved idea of dysfunctional families. I find it demeaning and disrespectful, honestly, to say to my mother, "that's an interesting way to look at it" during a heated argument. While I may feel disrespected at times, I don't have it in me to be so vindictive. The sour cream was picked up quietly, to which she responded with more anger thinking I was ignoring her. This is not a case of abuse, just an overly emotional mother who doesn't always realize what she's doing. I get that. There is no bait. This wasn't some ridiculous plan to commit domestic abuse under the pretense of teaching me manners. Its just a matter of being human and having to deal with the (sometimes more than) occasional shitty deals handed to you. 

While I do agree that there is a cycle here that needs to be broken, its not going to break by embarrassing my mother and showing her how immature she is.  Also, anxiety is anxiety. Please, don't stress people by telling them its their fault for not being in control of their mentality. 

[LittleCelticLass]

Putting your thoughts on an open forum, even just to vent, is inviting people to offer advice and concer regarding your situation.

 

Personally, I agree with Cares. So many red flag warnings went off in my head reading your post. Having both severe anxiety and an abusive past, I can see exactly where he was coming from.

 

That said, ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness and well-being. I hope you can get things worked out in your favor. Living with our parents as adults, and having anxiety, is a difficult situation. Best of luck to you.

[Guest Mossy]

deleted

Edited September 13, 2018 by Mossy

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

If someone threw a tub of sour cream at me, I'd chuck the entire fridge at them and then never talk to them again. My mother included.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

i hate to jump on a loaded bandwagon, but i have to say that i agree with everything said above. 

 

i was in a very similar, not identical because i am not you or your family members, situation for years with my own mother after my father passed away. 

moving out was the best thing i ever did for myself, & that was over eight years ago.

i am still tempted to move back in sometimes when things go south -- my younger sister still lives at home, but i can't do that to myself.

 

& neither should you. 

 

now, you don't have to take any of our advice here. 

& i know you said that you didn't want people to make blind assumptions. 

but that's the way i responded too when my friends & loved ones called me out on my family's shit.

 

so, you're right.

you don't owe us anything.

you don't even owe us a response. 

we're just relative strangers on a forum, reading about your feelings. 

but, if you have the chance, ask yourself what you would say to one of us if this was a thread that popped up on your feed? 

maybe you wouldn't say anything at all, & that's cool too. 

 

but you should never have to justify a loved one's shitty behavior. 

you shouldn't feel like you have to defend yourself.

what Cares said made a lot of sense, & you could have let it go, but you felt like you needed to defend the person you just wrote about yelling & hitting you.

to a stranger.

on the internet.

who doesn't know you. 

hell, you even defended her at the end of your writing.

 

i don't claim to know you, your situation, or act as the absolute authority on these types of things, 

but i wish someone had asked me to examine why i was defending the people who hurt me.

& that's all i'm asking of you. 

 

i hope you find some peace soon.

Edited July 20, 2018 by babyjellybean

[DustBunny93]

I just want to share my own similar experiences with you.

I am 25 years old living at home with my parents and two younger brothers.

 

My mom acts similar too. I had a magazine thrown at my face a few weeks ago during dinner because my dog was begging for food at my chair and my mom didn't want to hear her whine. Did she yell at the dog and tell her to stop begging? No. Should she have? Probably. But instead she took it out on me because I'm the target for everything. Would she have thrown it at either of my brothers? Absolutely not. Why me? I don't know.

 

My mom has taken anger out on me or directed towards me for as long as I can remember. No matter what it's about, who it's about. She waits till I'm around to let it out. And because of that she freaks out on me for everything I do. But it's a whole other world with my brothers. Those kids have never gotten yelled at and they are 16 and 20.

 

Even my family members who are close to me have commented to me on it. My mom never has shown good emotions towards me. Never had confidence in me.

I feel at times she tries to support me or be nice but I can't help but remember how much she has hurt me.

 

I'm not sure why family members act this way. But I hope you can figure out a better situation if you are looking for one. I'm just here to say you aren't alone and I understand what it feels like to have stuff thrown at you. And I know what it's like to get yelled at for trying to stick up for yourself or getting yelled at for trying to walk away and calm down.

I wish you the best.

[theoddpetal]

I understand the situation I'm in and still ended up getting a little defensive in the end there. Thank you all for your kind words and concern.