New to being a daddy, and I've already got issues. Any advice?

[BelligerentViking]

So, I've been with my wife for a bout a year. She was into the cg/little scene long before we met, and I've been slowly trying to feel everything out before jumping into the water. Anyways, I recently decided to try to get into it because our relationship has been struggling and I wanted to see if maybe nurturing that side of things might help. Anyways, I found out she had been cheating with some dude who was going through a divorce. His wife had basically done the same thing mine had done, claiming I had been unfaithful, calling me a liar and saying Im not shit while doing everything she had told me not to do behind my back. I've decided that she gets a second chance just because things have been rough. I recently got kicked out the army for threats of violence on a soldier who had assaulted her, and the entire process was one shit situation after another. Things have been stressful, and I haven't exactly been there. All the while Ive been controlling towards her because I knew something was going on, I just had no proof and she wouldn't tell me. We're hoping to work things out and I want to dive in and try to take on the ddlg thing and see how it might help, see if i enjoy it, this that and the other etc. If anyone here has any advice on how to take on the role of daddy, and how to handle the whole cheating incident (without telling me to leave her, please dont.) I'd really appreciate the tips and the whatnot, being shown how I'm supposed to be the best daddy for her. Thanks in advance.

[Guest aphroditelaughs]

Couples therapy first and foremost. It's a good way to get some unbiased advice. I also recommend waiting to really dive into DDlg until y'all have started working on your relationship.

[FoxyViolet]

Not really advice but a word of caution. DDLG is probably not going to fix your fractured relationship.If you think this is a quick fix, then think again. It requires absolute trust for Daddy and Little to make a relationship work. My suggestion would be, work on the relationship first. then dive into DDLG.

[CaresAlot]

This is such a mess not even sure where you need to start.  this is how the cow ate the cabbage.  In less than a year, she has cheated on you with another married person, refers to you as a liar, unfaithful and basically worthless, and you've been kicked out of the Army all related to this relationship.  My family has been in the military forever, so I know that you put yourself into getting the boot.  You obviously have anger and control issues.  Read back through what you wrote:

 

I've been slowly trying to feel everything out ...............

I recently decide to try to get into it..........

I've decided that she gets a second chance...................

I've been controlling towards her................

I want to dive in and try to take on the ddlg thing.......

 

She can be a Little without having a Daddy.  You cannot be a Daddy without a Little and its the Little that gives you this title.  Its a lot more than just playing a role or pretending to be something you are not.  Trust is the number one thing in this relationship and its obviously not here in this relationship.  Both parties have to decide what their expectations are in a whole list of issues.  There are a lot more things that need to happen before you are even remotely ready for this kind of relationship.  What you have here is a house with a bad foundation, the roof leaks, there is wood rot all over and the wiring may set the house on fire at any time.  You want to put a custom bathroom in and think that will make everything okay.

 

Most people would consider this house a tear down.  If you want to put the time and effort into fixing it, it all starts with the foundation.  Part of that foundation is you and until the foundation is fixed nothing else in the house matters.  You need to find out the source of your control and anger issues and learn to control both of those.  If you don't learn, you will never succeed at any kind of relationship.  She needs to get the same type of individual counseling to find why she had to cheat on you.  Then couple counseling to find if the two of you can have just a regular relationship together.

 

All this happening inside of a year says there is a lot to be done.  Plus she has to be willing to invest herself into fixing this as well.  With enough time, money and effort, most anything can be fixed.  You have to decide how much you are willing to invest.

[PrincessKittyBunny♡♡♡]

Hi Hi! Viewer discretion advised: this contains one mention of mature content. Althouhh censored/worded to less the nature, it is advised to read with awareness to this.

 

 

○~° I'm not sure how I may be of any help to you; I'm not sure if my age may put you off or anything.

But I have been with my SO for 3 years and have come across and heard off stories like this from multiple different people, one being my partner! Yikes.

In relation to yours, my boyfriend's story had been a continuum of many relationships that didn't end well and involved cheating, hurt, second chances, and sad endings. Though, being said, he wasn't at fault.

He had begun a relationship at a fairly young age, though if only to show his maturity (although may have been slightly contradicting, he had been mature).

His girlfriend of a few months had cheated on him with a guy he was well acquainted with. She belittled him, verbally manipulated and abused him as she helped me fall into a pit of worthlessness. He then went on to find a new relationship thereafter, via a year and a half later. This one lasted for a year or 2 before she proceeded to have a love affair (under context, I believe it is suitable despite lack of marriage). It lasted for nearly the same time she dated my current SO, plus a couple months of acquaintance to her love affair-lover.

She called him (SO) a cheater. Consistently worried and obsessed over the possibility and was always out late. Partying and partaking in substant abuse (hope that was censored enough).

After becoming immpregnated she stumbled into my SO's apartment and cried to him that she was everything she said he was.

Worthless, scum, nothing. A liar as well as a cheater. After a couple months, she comes back to him to tell him she is pregnant with his child, if only cause she was jealous of his relationship with another guy. He was happy and she wanted that for herself and thus continued her path of controlling destruction.

He refused her and logically explained the impossible truth that he could not have gotten her pregnant due to the fact she was out partying the whole week and they wouldn't participate in anything other than falling asleep once she came home.

 

After he was in a relationship with his other partner for a short time... He simply was cheated on.

 

 

It was a sad story. All of those stories were. And it, finally, ended with me. I am proud to say I have not and will not cheat or cause my relationship to blacken with abuse and neglect.

 

Another story is of a relative of mine (whom I don't want to disclose how close of relation she is) had been in an abusive relationship for 21 years.

Physically And life threatening.

Mentally and verbally.

It was toxic.

She had a temper. Thus causing the first time of her husband (to be of 20+ years) to react to her and discipline her wrongfully. I do not want to delve into details in concern for triggers or discretionary content.

But it was horrible.

And her husband had cheated her time and time again. Lied to her. Called her names. He cheated her bodily wise, as he had multiple mistresses and would always be welcomed with open arms from his actual WIFE. She would give him second chances.. time and time again.

My SO? One of the three of his Ex'es... He had accepted her the same way. With open arms.

 

But I didn't tell you this because of my happening upon finding my current SO and being happy I am the opposite of his ex's.. or to intentionally trigger anyone and for that i am very sorry if i did....

But..

 

it's so you can have something somewhere near context that you could relate and that I could relate to as I try and give you support and awareness.

 

I mentioned this and my SO because I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There people surrounding you who have gone through this. So if you feel Worthless, know you are 10x more golden then those who have caused harm against other people.

 

It is within my knowledge and biased opinion for me to understand that fully accepting someone who has found cheating you easy, may and should be considered with caution. Some couples find it easy, but I find the reason it is easy for those couple is because the individual have rebuilt themselves into people who could defeat their past selves by a landslide. They were stronger mentally and emotionally and well as physically. They knew how to fix and better themselves.

 

I believe besides from going to couples therapy and personal therapy sessions, you should re-evaluate your situation logically. I see that you mentioned taking back your wife due to hardships...

 

But someone once told me, "A relationship built on feeling as if 'you have to or need to'continue the said relationship for either emotional or personal gain,... is not a relationship. It's an agreement to accept failure to fulfill half of your needs, as the other half of your emotional/mental/physiciological side of your needs gets abused."

 

If you want to have a fulfilling relationship built on a good base or foundation, I find that maybe it would be advisable to spend time on yourself. To strengthen your personal energy and emotional boundaries so you can become strong minded. Going through something so drastic, wither you have controlled her or she controlled you, can be devastating to not just your emotions or relationship, but you internally. It can cause emotional dissociation and be mentally impacting. You mentioned feeling worthless.. or being accused as such. And then wanting to be with the person who wronged you, if only because of going through rough times. That tells me you have experienced some sort of low. Either mentally or physically or even emotionally. At this time, I believe It may be important to focus on yourself before facing your wife, because I believe it may be easier for her to find a way to cheat you or lie to you.

Looking at it logically, she had found a moment in time to act upon herself to cheat. That time, whatever the cause may be, had most likely also included a subconscious acknowledgement of a momentary weakness she saw in you. I wouldn't take my words as bible or even take offense cause chances are, I didn't mean to offend or call you weak.

 

I'm saying that she might have, most likely (within my experience and eye-witnessing knowledge) seen a moment of opportunity. Could've seen you down, or busy and not paying attention to her fully. She then proceeds to participate in an affair. Whatever the case may be, Im trying to say that I genuinely think that even though you may not know, or think....

 

I believe that can better yourself mentally. So you can be ready for whatever she may bring you or others. You should focus on self-healing, for yourself. And to, on the bonus side, strengthen your boundaries and not let anyone find an opportunity to hurt you. Am I saying to but up barriers and dissociate yourself from the world and others? No.

I'm simply stating to be healthier in mindset and emotionally.. so that when the time comes, you can defend and protect yourself.

 

And.... one thing I didn't mention within this task to bettering yourself mentally/emotionally/physically and to help your self strengthen your personal energy (energy i.e. moods, the soul)

 

Is that by doing this^^ you are also building a foundation with your love life, i.e. your wife.

 

"You can't love, until you love yourself."

 

See what I did there?

 

Now you may ask, what if I already love myself?

Or say: This girl is crazy. She doesn't know me. I do love myself. Whatever.

 

Please don't shun me out...

 

Because.. have you considered what if you do love yourself, but not what you are involved in? Relationship wise? Social group wise?

What if you love yourself but cant find yourself being able to love the thing you do, thus resulting in the way people act towards you?

Or... loving yourself, but having someone to not able to trust and fully come to terms with..?

 

You can love yourself but not being able to love someone else or trust them.

And yes. That does tie in with loving yourself...

 

Because if you truly loved yourself, you'd walk away..

 

Or you'd choose to stay. It's up to you to decided which type of love suits you best.

 

 

But then...... bettering yourself can also help you with DDLG.

Loving your self and being mentally strong and emotionally balanced and physically healthy play into being able to execute the tasks and duties that one apart of DDLG would, especially a Daddy Dominant or Caregiver.

Being able to be patient and assertive at the same time takes a lot of one's personal mindset.

Learning to be the best Daddy is biased to everyone. One person may say being a well and good Daddy Dominant is him giving her/him aftercare. Some may say F* aftercare, I don't need it. Just finish with the punishment, reward me with approval and I'm good.

It's all up and molded around your desired Little. What she likes and what her needs are. That being said, it is possible to help mold, and construct said Little into something desirable for you. There are ways to go about doing that. And it's possible to also accumulate traits (i.e. discipline, assertive, kind, calm, patient, caring, nurturing, understanding, attentiveness to listening, dominating, possessive, etc.) that will put you on level of what would be considered a good Daddy. Though, some Daddy Dominants find it easier when they naturally have the want to care and nurture their partner. Do you have to be natural akin to nurturing and caring of what a Caregiver or Daddy Dominant would? No. Like i said, there traits that will help you amount to what you desire. But.... is it easier to have some natural abilities or traits?... yes it is. It will or would be easier on the said dominant, through finding the correct mindset and being able execute punishments and actions that will help grow, construct and mold the dominant's little.

 

I am not... a know it all nor do I know everything there is to DDLG. I don't see myself as someone who does not do I find it appealingg to be narssistic and thinking I'm the queen of all littles..

 

My advise I just shared had everything to do with my biased opinions and my knowledge either I got it from experience, eye witness, or context to self. Please know I am truly, genuinely not judging nor am I trying to come off as any other way, other than kind, gentle, concerned and wanting to help.

 

Thank you for the opportunity for me to be able to help you. I hope all is well ♡♡♡

[PrincessKittyBunny♡♡♡]

Oh my gosh. I am sorry! I didn't see your side note to not mention to leave your SO. I am very sorry. I want to cry right now because I can relate and it is just.... i understand. I want to hug you (in a mutual, only to comfort way).

 

Please know that the one moment I mentioned leaving your SO, was ultimately supposed to be linked with choosing to stay with your SO?

I am always one for both sides of things, and mentioned the most picked choice to mention first (leaving) then to say the one that most wouldn't consider, though I definitely would with my SO (to stay).

 

Please know I was trying to help you consider options in a black and white, simplistic matter?

 

Please take care~ ♡♡♡♡

[BelligerentViking]

Goody Two Shoes,

 

Dont worry too much about it, I do appreciate it. I know a lot of people would outright leave, but with everything I've been through in just my 21 years, and knowing how she was raised, I knew I had to give her a chance to change her ways, and show her that even though she felt I didn't love her, I really do.

 

 

She definitely realizes she fucked up. She didn't try to cry or make me feel bad after I put everything in perspective, and she's been doing everything she can to try and make up for it. We've talked about the need for individual and couples counseling, we've talked about the need for transparency, and how if I ask her for something, if it's really important to me that she needs to consider it. We both have a lot to work on, together and apart. Most of my issues as an SO have been resolved, and she knows that Im here for her still and that she's going to have to put up with me being extra until I get over everything that has happened and can give her my full trust.

 

Honestly, I want to get into the Daddy side of things because the idea of being someone who is there as more than just a husband in a way sounds very appealing as a lifestyle. I've done little things for her already, calling her little one in public, letting her hold just one of my fingers and talking to her as if she really is her little age. She calls me Daddy when she gets into that state of mind, and I know that while she was cheating, she felt bad and, this may be somewhat graphic, tried to put my face on the other mans and pretend it was me. Before I found out she had planned to tell me, she had been talking to her friend about it but the night I was supposed to find out extenuating circumstances came up and I had to go back to where I'm staying for the time being. Everything that I've tried so far I've enjoyed, and I wont lie to say that I have a sort of hero complex so having to do big things for her makes me feel accomplished.

 

I know there is a lot to work to do relationship wise. A plan has been put together and action is being taken to ensure that the plan is followed through on.

 

Also, another thing for you Goody Two Shoes, another thing for you on the whole being your own big. Im trying to mold myself around my little, my wife, because she's gotten me into it. I've talked to her about what it is she hopes to get out of it, what she likes, and i've discussed my own boundaries on the matter. My post really was more of what can I do that might be common knowledge to those in the community. Not the layman, but something that everyone should know when they start out, or things you wished you knew before you started that might have made this easier.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far, and thank you to anyone who comments in the future once again.

[Kaiser]

Ok...........

 

 

Neither of you is in a healthy marriage. Period.

 

One year and already cheating. That's a no go for me, but I guess I can understand that some people can get over that. But still...Cheating already in the first year of marriage. Think about that.

 

As for getting discharged from the Army....Honestly, I'm not buying your stated reason. But that aside, and running with the info you've given us....Think about that. You allowed your emotions, over a girl who cheated on you, to ruin your life. Literally. Even assuming that your resume doesn't get instantly shitcanned (And let me tell you, unless you have an Honorable Discharge, it WILL get shitcanned. Trust me. I get resumes every single day, and there are literally hundreds of thousands of vets with HD's out there looking for work, so why would an employer pick you?), you're going to have to explain to a potential employer why you got kicked out. Wouldn't it be better to be able to own your fuck up, and explain that you are no longer in the relationship that created the environment in which you fucked up?

 

You need to be thinking about damage control for your own life right now. You. Not you and her, YOU.

 

 

I wish you luck. But you've got a serious up hill battle to fight.

 

Pop smoke on the relationship. Pick up your ruck and drive on.

[BelligerentViking]

Okay let me make this clear one more time. I'm not asking whether or not I should leave her.

 

I already got my honorable. Every fucking NCO I talked to for advice already advised me that how this went down was fucked.

 

She was sexually assaulted. There's a case out against the offending soldier. I can bet on it that most people would've reacted the same way, being angry Ann's wanting to outright murder that asshole that did it.

 

I'm not asking should I leave her or not. I know that I still love her, that's why I'm willing to give her a second chance. Yeah, this happened inside a year. We've both had a lot go on during this timeframe and a lot of it wasn't pretty for one or both of us. It's affected us a lot and now that I'm out of the army and working on a job that doesn't wasn't to take my ass with the big green weenie things have gotten better between us.

 

I want advice on how to be a daddy. The cheating thing happened a month ago and were moving forward. Stop giving me relationship advice

[Kaiser]

You're angry, and that anger is going to eat you up eventually.

 

You've been given sage advice by multiple posters in this discussion. Advice YOU asked for.

 

I had a very informative post drawn up in my mind for you, centering on your main problem being that you cannot see that being a Daddy is not independent from being in a normal and healthy relationship.

 

But since you are only seeking answers you want to hear, I'll just leave it at; "stay safe."

[BelligerentViking]

Its upsetting that you went against the very thing I asked you not to say, yes. I don't want to here that someone thinks I need to leave her, I'm tired of hearing it from people that don't know the whole story. Instead of injecting shit that was specifically mentioned not to say, maybe try a different approach? The last thing I really want to hear, or that anyone wants to hear when they're trying to work things out, is "leave them." I didn't ask for relationship advice, I didn't ask for "How do I handle this? Do I leave?" If you'd pull your head out before reading it then you'd have seen that.

 

Yes. I'm angry. I'm angry that she got raped. I'm angry that since then a bunch of other shit has fallen on top of us and it's been a struggle. I'm angry with myself for not being able to be there because I was struggling with myself. And it's upsetting that I just got here and what I'm asking people for is being pushed aside in favor of telling me to leave her. Everyone else that wanted to give relationship advice mentioned things we're already working on. Individual and couples counseling, rebuilding trust, and whatnot. You however have come at me sideways twice now.

 

Angry at my wife for cheating on me? You think she cheated on me and it got me kicked out? Wrong. She was raped by another soldier. I can give you his name and unit. I can tell you there is a SHARP case against him. I can tell you that I was very upset that it happened and that right after it happened I was forced to go to gunnery because fuck letting a soldier take care of his wife when she needs it, but we'll let all these other fuck knobs go back to the rear to play fuck fuck games in the barracks.Yeah, that was very upsetting. I probably became a little emotionally distraught, who the fuck wouldn't. They asked me to take a psychological evaluation after all of this, and guess what? It came back with a diagnosis that got me kicked out. Who would've fucking thought.

 

I came to this forum not to hear what you're telling me. I'll fucking do me, I'll handle my own like I'm trying. If this is the best support I can get here then that's all good, I guess I shouldn't have posted this shit in the first place.

[Guest aphroditelaughs]

If you come to a public forum then you are going to hear things you don't want to hear, regardless of what you say. Being a Daddy and asking for advice on that is going to get you relationship advice, because what else would it be?

 

I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. Take or leave what you've been given, but don't take your anger out here. Get help.

Edited July 9, 2018 by aphroditelaughs

[BelligerentViking]

If you come to a public forum then you are going to hear things you don't want to hear, regardless of what you say. Being a Daddy and asking for advice on that is going to get you relationship advice, because what else would it be?

 

I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. Take or leave what you've been given, but don't take your anger out here. Get help.

 

I understand that I'm going to hear things I don't want to hear.

 

But when someone claims that my wife cheated on me and I got mad then got kicked out for acting out, I'm definitely going to be upset when I know I specifically said "she was assaulted." 

 

The advice I've been given up to now has been solid save for some. Like I said, counseling is in the works. We've talked about what we both need to see, what we both want out of this relationship. But only one side of my post has been addressed. I get that everyone feels like the relationship is the only thing I should focus on. But I will handle my relationship my way. If that means that I want advice on what I'm asking about, sure you don't have to give it, but I would appreciate it as opposed to every reply being "work on your relationship first" or "drop the relationship all together"

 

I've already stated at least twice I'm not going to leave her, and that we are working on things.

 

So please, if you have advice, or something you wished you knew when you started out as a cg or little, I would love to hear about it. Otherwise, enough of the relationship advice. I've got it at this point.

[Kaiser]

Rather than beat my head against a wall and be unproductive.....For those unfamiliar with how the military works in regard to what's been discussed in this topic:

 

 

1)No one, I repeat, No one, goes from committing a dischargeable offense to actually being discharged within the span of one month. I'm not the only vet here, others will back this up. It takes 2 months just to find the paperwork to start the discharge process.

 

2)SHARP (Sexual Harassment/Assault Response) has literally no legal standing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.. One can literally file a complaint over "he/she said hello to me and I didn't want that", and it will be investigated. My ex wife has been a SHARP rep for in the USAF for over 15 years and even she is tired of the BS.

 

I'll leave it up to you as individuals to decide. Cheating wife caught...... Now there's a sexual assault claim...

Edited July 9, 2018 by Kaiser

[BelligerentViking]

Okay guy, you know there are two reporting options. Restricted means no investigation, unrestricted means it gets sent to Mps, CID, and any civilian LEO that needs to be involved. The rape happened in December. I made my comment in January. I got out by 5-13 on June 20, Honorable DC. I have 214 to show it. It wasn't cheating seeing as how a frie d she thought she trusted gave her something spiked, and she had told him she won't ever did anything with him because were committed. I've seen the texts, so stop fucking insinuating. She didn't cheat then. You're being an utter douchebag right now.

 

The actual cheating happened a month ago and were moving past it. FUCKING STOP.

Edited July 9, 2018 by BelligerentViking

[Kaiser]

Brother,

 

I've been around far too long, and have seen this crap ruin decent men too many times.I'm sincerely sorry you're going though this, but you're being used.

 

I'm not the praying type, so I'll leave it at I hope you find yourself and drive on.