Subdrop? Help!

[Baimbi]

Hi, I’ve had a daddy before, but it was long distance so aftercare was never really needed, but now I have a boyfriend and we “play” but we haven’t discussed ddlg except lightly and I call him daddy during play but we don’t truly have that kind of relationship. However, sometimes after we play I experience a depression and sometimes I cry and I just feel lonely. I researched it and realized that it’s sub drop. I’m not sure what to do, I can’t specifically ask for after care because we don’t have a ddlg relationship. And most of the time, he has something to do right after. (His family wakes up at 6 am every day and work until sun down, it’s their culture) so I feel bad asking him to not go do something in order to just cuddle and watch shows with me. And I don’t want to ask him to take care of me after, he has told me he doesn’t like when I’m clingy or needy, at least in front of family. How do I approach this? Can I do aftercare on my own?

[Guest SUeB]

Just tell him you feel low after you play around, and need a bit of attention. You don't need to say anything about ddlg/bdsm/Ds etc. The dynamic itself makes no difference to our needs as human beings.

[Quirkygrl16]

Just tell him you need some additional attention after play. Hopefully he is responsive to it. I've experienced sub drop before and it isnt fun at all.

[Guest Looby-Lou]

If I'm understanding what you've said, I think I've been in a similar situation before i.e. "playtime" with a guy who wasn't my proper Daddy and didn't understand the DDlg dynamic. 

I finally realised that was the whole cause of my drop after play. Because it would hit me that he didn't feel the same way as me and it made me so sad and alone.  Also we had pretty intense sessions & he didn't understand my needs for aftercare, particularly for reassurance. 

I explained to him as best I could, and he did his best to try, but he just didn't "get it" or feel it, or even remember to do it. And even when he tried, it just felt false, so it didn't give me what I needed.

I can't blame him for that at all. You can't make yourself be something you're not.

Basically, if you're wanting DDlg and he isn't, or if you're clingy and he doesn't like clingy, then I'm sorry to say I think you have a problem. A problem that goes beyond whatever the situation with his family and culture are.  Even if he doesn't have much time, he could still give you aftercare - it's quality not quantity that counts here. 

I hope you can sort things out with him, but ultimately you need to look after yourself and your needs, either with or without him.

[Guest Looby-Lou]

..You don't need to say anything about ddlg/bdsm/Ds etc. The dynamic itself makes no difference to our needs as human beings.

 

I think it does make a difference Sue.  I can only speak from my own experience of course, but when the only thing I knew was vanilla relationship and vanilla sex, it was very very very rare that I felt a need for "aftercare" of any kind.  Usually a little cuddle seemed to be the norm, nothing beyond that and not a big deal.

 

I think the vulnerability and power exchange that can exist in a DDlg set up changes everything, and changes "our needs as human beings". If you see what I mean?

[Guest SenpaiPleaseNoticeMe]

Hi, I’ve had a daddy before, but it was long distance so aftercare was never really needed, but now I have a boyfriend and we “play” but we haven’t discussed ddlg except lightly and I call him daddy during play but we don’t truly have that kind of relationship. However, sometimes after we play I experience a depression and sometimes I cry and I just feel lonely. I researched it and realized that it’s sub drop. I’m not sure what to do, I can’t specifically ask for after care because we don’t have a ddlg relationship. And most of the time, he has something to do right after. (His family wakes up at 6 am every day and work until sun down, it’s their culture) so I feel bad asking him to not go do something in order to just cuddle and watch shows with me. And I don’t want to ask him to take care of me after, he has told me he doesn’t like when I’m clingy or needy, at least in front of family. How do I approach this? Can I do aftercare on my own?

 

"I can't specifically ask for after care because we don't have a ddlg relationship." YES YOU CAN. Even though you aren't in a ddlg relationship, you are engaging in activities that make you experience loneliness and sadness. Regardless of how you want to label your relationship, it doesn't change the fact that you NEED aftercare. So bring it to his attention that after play, you feel lonely and cry. Also show him your findings on sub drop as he might not be ware of it. As for a solution for aftercare, the time for play AND aftercare need to be considered. If both can not be done in the set time frame, then maybe play should be out of the question.

 

In terms of wanting him to cuddle and watch shows with you as aftercare, it is something you NEED. Again, if he doesn't want to give you this type of aftercare because the discussed reason pertaining to his family, then the play shouldn't take place.

 

Self aftercare is possible but varies from person to person, so it may not work for you. Some people do make aftercare kits that have vitamins, cozy items, and soothing lotions. Here is an idea for a kit. Aftercare Kit. You could even cuddle with a teddy bear or your favorite blanket and have a soothing bath. If you have a pet, maybe cuddle up with them or if someone else if willing to provide you with aftercare that is a possibility to think about.

 

Just to give you some perspective, I'll share my first time experiencing sub drop. It was probably 24 hours after playing that I finally experienced sub drop. I thought I was completely okay and out of the blue it hit me right as I was getting into bed. I felt like a piece of meat, not human, worthless, and abandoned. My play partner usually checks up on me to see if I'm okay and this time he didn't. I was sobbing in my bed and reaching out to friends trying to figure out how to overcome it. I was afraid he'd think I was a nuisance. Then I finally worked up the courage to bring this to my play partner's attention. He is an experienced Dominant who understands that as dark as the play can go, we are still human. He was very receptive and prompt to give me the aftercare I needed and continued to do so every time we played afterwards.

 

For me, all I needed was for him to give me words of affirmation and talk to me like a human being after play to remind me that I am valued. Self aftercare doesn't work for me. I need my partner to be the one giving me that aftercare to bring me back to a space of humanity.

 

I hope this helped.

[Guest lilprincess1703]

Aftercare doesnt have to be exclusive to a DDlg dynamic, imo. 

 

Anything that makes you vulnerable and puts you in a vulnerable space needs some time to process and 'reset' afterwards. I have definitely had instances in vanilla relationships where I have felt emotionally and physically vulnerable after sex, for example, and needed a bit of reassurance, TLC, and downtime with my partner to ground myself. 

 

You need to be open with your partner about what you need. Explain your feelings, clearly lay out what you need from him, and what he can do to help you. Don't be afraid to ask for some of his time. Make it clear how it makes you feel when he has to dash off after playtime. Work out how you can factor in some time in your schedule for some aftercare together. 

 

This sounds like a bigger issue in the relationship to be honest than just aftercare and playtime. You havent been able to be open with him about your feelings about this, so I wonder what else you arent able to communicate about together. You're worried to ask him for some time because he doesnt like it when you're "clingy" or "needy" - because of this you are sidelining your wellbeing for him, and prioritising his feelings over yours. I used to do this - still catch myself doing it sometimes! One thing my therapist always said to me is that you are the most important person in your life. People will come and go, but you will always have you! Caring for yourself and being honest about what you need and want is so important. 

 

Put this problem you have into the wider context of your relationship, and see if you are getting everything you need from it. I hope you manage to work it out!!! <3xxxx