Littles leaving after drinking

[Guest SUeB]

I dont get why people are acting like OP turns into some drunk monster when he drinks, we literally know nothing about the guy.

 

I dont know you, your situation or how often you even drink so I can't make a lot of judgement.

 

I think some people may shut down people who drink because they've had bad experiences in the past. Which is okay. Shit happens.

 

Eventually you're going to find somebody that is comfortable with your situation and wants to assist you on the right path.

 

I believe in you and your recovery friendo!

There's clearly a reason that he's been rejected more than once by different people for the same reason. That is quite a strong pointer towards someone that has a problem with drink, no matter what the level of that problem is.

[ThePoet]

I'm sorry, but most of y'all are terrible people. Alcohol is legal, you know. It's not like the man is a crackhead. He's not out here stealing VCRs (it's like a big old iPad, kids.) Not everyone who drinks becomes violent or unpleasant. Maybe this guy does, and that's the part that drives people away, but from what I'm seeing here it could just as easily be a case of judgement and assumptions. I understand that some of you may have negative experiences with alcohol or alcoholics, and you have a right to feel safe. But you have no right to judge someone purely on their vices. Again, alcohol is legal, so the general consensus seems to be that a little intoxication is fairly acceptable within the human experience. It's great for you if you don't want to drink to relax or have fun, but don't sit on your high horse and pretend that you don't have your own vices or habits that make you feel comfortable in this often shitty world. As if your behaviour wouldn't be effected if you didn't get your cigarette, or your cake, or your gym or favourite television show or whatever your fix is. Do you yourself not deserve a chance at love because you rely on something for support, or because of your underlying issues at the root of it? Do you have to be entirely self-sufficient - in all aspects - to be a good caregiver? Is judging someone for having experiences that lead them to drink more appropriate than, say, judging someone for having had experiences that lead them to be judgmental about people who drink? How about if the perceived changes from alcohol consumption - be they great or also possibly harmless - were the result of a mental health issue instead of alcohol? Is it still fair to judge? Is a man who "can't control himself" because of mental health problems more desirable than one who can't because of the drink? Alternatively, is a man who is naturally prone to anger and violence somehow a better man than one who drinks? And if you can sit there and say that you wouldn't be with the person you're with now if they drank a legal beverage, regardless of how it effects them, then just think of all the good times you would have missed by being an unctuous jerk. The level of generalisation in this thread actually disgusts me, sorry. How about you judge people on their character and their actions?

 

Also, the idea that you can't have any alcohol or drugs and be an effective caregiver is horseshit. What, you can't drink? You can't like to party? You must have a steady full-time job and a house, or how can you take care of someone else? You have to know how to cook, and to grow your own food? Plus, you need to be a certain age to have enough experience? Also, you need to be a certain height so you can pick her up, and no children from past relationships so you can devote your attention to them? And you can't be responsible for someone if you're struggling with any mental issues, so you need to sort those out before you dare to talk to someone? Can you tell me what other characteristics I need to tick off to be a Real Daddy or an Effective Caregiver? Please, tell me more about your one true way. Tell me how you need to be a perfect human being to be a Daddy.

Edited July 1, 2018 by papapresents

[ThePoet]

Dude, it's great that you're self-aware about the issue. As for the judgement, most of the people in the world are self-important pious assholes, so that's going to happen. The people who have bad experiences with alcohol have to walk their own path to learn how to overcome it. You're not going to be a fit with everyone. But the ones who treat you like your less than them for it, you wouldn't want those people in your life regardless. Good riddance. Keep building, keep going forward. Be the best you that you can be, strive toward the best you that you could be, and you'll find someone that loves you for who you are eventually. Edited July 1, 2018 by papapresents

[Guest Zephy]

I think the problem may be in your instance, is that those littles didn't wanted to become the "caregiver" and wanted someone who looked after them and supported them, so that may have wanted them not to further deal with you.

I've seen quite a few times from people who started to exhibit selfish behavior towards their Daddy, for not being that invincible superman they thought came with this lifestyle and became upset because of it.

 

I'm not entirely sure either, since I don't know whether you're talking about your exes or littles you start getting to know while bringing up the subject about your alcohol consumption.

The way you seem to address your alcohol consumption and your word usage, does come over to me as negative and problematic, even while you said you had goals to lessen it.

You used the word "tried" which may come over as you had failed to-do so previously, so your word may hold less value to people who haven't gotten a chance to really know you yet and may believe you are unable to take care after yourself.

Often-times saying how you work on this or that may also not be enough, because you can't expect people to trust you right-away and willing to risk going into a relationship with you or seeing you as a potential partner, so they back out.

 

But all in all, I honestly think you're just having some bad luck and seeking out the wrong littles you may be interested in, because in reality there are dozens who like to have a drinking buddy as well, besides being their partner.

It's totally normal that some people don't tend/want to take risks for their own reasons or have preferences, don't get offended by it, eventually you will find someone who is compatible, so keep your chin up and keep staying true to yourself.

[Kresaera]

So i only read a few of the replies, but i wanted to comment, because my Daddy and i like our beers:-)

 

However, we have been together for 13 years, i would never start a relationship with someone who is trying to overcome any addiction, mainly because that person needs to get a hold of their own life before they try to bring someone else in.

 

You mentioned a Daddy Dom doesnt need to be in control of their own life before they assume control of another's because in a relationship, we are supposed to build each other up. While i agree that we are supposed to build each other up and help each other, i highly disagree with your first point. You absolutely cannot agree to be a caregiver to someone until you are capable of caring for yourself.

 

My Daddy and i have been through addiction, we were heroin addicts the first 3 or so years of our marriage. Weve got almost 10 years clean now, but had we been in the DD/lg dynamic, I'd have never gotten with someone with a substance abuse problem. Daddy and i didn't start D/s until 3 or so years ago and DD/lg is fairly new in our relationship.

 

I'm just saying, if I'm looking for someone to take care of me, i expect them to be able to take care of themselves, sober.

 

 

**edited for typos

Edited July 2, 2018 by Kresaera

[Guest SUeB]

@papapresents are you honestly trying to suggest that it's perfectly reasonable to be in a dominant role if you drink a lot? Because that is beyond irresponsible. So it's ok for a dude to get drunk and start tying someone up, or putting his hand around a trusting subs throat, for instance? For him to indulge in knife play? Come on, dude. Seriously. Yes, those are examples, but they are relevant. Where is the cut off point? How many drinks can someone have before it becomes dangerous? And no, i have no personal experience of those things, but i am not an idiot, and i know how dangerous alcohol can be.

The op obviously has a drinking issue, or he wouldn't have posted this in the first place. And i will not be one of the butt suckers who says "there there, everything is fine". We have no idea how much of a problem he has with drink, and all of the comments aren't targeted specifically towards him. But yes, if you sell yourself as a daddy or a dom, damned right i believe you ought to be in full control of yourself when you are with a little or a sub.

[PrincessKittenCupcake]

Why do you keep making this assumption? Nowhere in this thread has anyone suggested that it's a good idea to get blitzed and then engage in BDSM antics.

[Guest SUeB]

Quote "Also, the idea that you can't have any alcohol or drugs and be an effective caregiver is horseshit"

Physical and emotional activities relating to either d/s or ddlg or anything else under that umbrella is classed in exactly the same way in my comments. i used the physical things as an example. The emotional side of things can actually be MORE dangerous in the long term.

Edited July 2, 2018 by SUeB

[Guest lilprincess1703]

Dude, it's great that you're self-aware about the issue. As for the judgement, most of the people in the world are self-important pious assholes, so that's going to happen. The people who have bad experiences with alcohol have to walk their own path to learn how to overcome it. You're not going to be a fit with everyone. But the ones who treat you like your less than them for it, you wouldn't want those people in your life regardless. Good riddance. Keep building, keep going forward. Be the best you that you can be, strive toward the best you that you could be, and you'll find someone that loves you for who you are eventually.

 

Someone deciding they dont want you in their life doesnt mean they think less of him? they just might not want to be around someone who potentially has an alcohol problem - ie. "walk their own path" as you put. To immediately brand someone as a "self-important pious asshole" just because they make the decision not to be around alcohol is just really short-sighted of you imo.

 

Personally, I hate being around very drunk men. My ex would hit me when he was drunk. Yes, I know that not every person decides to be physically violent when they have a drink - but it makes me uncomfortable, anxious and upset. SO I choose not to be around very drunk people. Do I think those people are less than me? No. But I have to protect myself. If I started to date someone and found out they had problems with drink, I would not want to date them anymore. That doesnt mean they are a terrible person - it just means my personal experiences mean that I would not want to put myself in what I have experienced as a risky situation. I would wish them well with their future and recovery, and take myself away from the situation. I also would not be able to be an affective supportive figure in that person's life, because my issue would get in the way of being a helpful presence to a person in recovery. 

 

I could be wrong, but I dont think anyone here has been judgemental, or made generalisations. No one made any suggestion about a "one true way". you dont need to be so defensive. maybe consider other people's past and experience and how they might affect the decisions they make. 

[Guest SUeB]

And today's thumbs up goes to....

Someone deciding they dont want you in their life doesnt mean they think less of him? they just might not want to be around someone who potentially has an alcohol problem - ie. "walk their own path" as you put. To immediately brand someone as a "self-important pious asshole" just because they make the decision not to be around alcohol is just really short-sighted of you imo.

 

Personally, I hate being around very drunk men. My ex would hit me when he was drunk. Yes, I know that not every person decides to be physically violent when they have a drink - but it makes me uncomfortable, anxious and upset. SO I choose not to be around very drunk people. Do I think those people are less than me? No. But I have to protect myself. If I started to date someone and found out they had problems with drink, I would not want to date them anymore. That doesnt mean they are a terrible person - it just means my personal experiences mean that I would not want to put myself in what I have experienced as a risky situation. I would wish them well with their future and recovery, and take myself away from the situation. I also would not be able to be an affective supportive figure in that person's life, because my issue would get in the way of being a helpful presence to a person in recovery.

 

I could be wrong, but I dont think anyone here has been judgemental, or made generalisations. No one made any suggestion about a "one true way". you dont need to be so defensive. maybe consider other people's past and experience and how they might affect the decisions they make.

[shaipanda]

I've kind of had this when my past daddies have been smokers. What I said to them is that theu can smoke, but not near me, and they should know I don't approve of it. I think I would say pretty much the same. The choice is, spend time drinking, or spend time with your little. You just need to find a little who can help.

[ThePoet]

I have acknowledged that people may have had negative experience with alcohol or alcoholics, that those people have a right to personal preference and to feel safe, and that those are issues they need to deal with. And I have separated those people from the close-minded judgemental people who childishly assume that alcohol is some sort of Jeckyll-and-Hyde potion. Drinking does not mean you will be violent or out of control, and people can be out of control or violent without a drop. Maybe he drinks a beer and turns aggressive; maybe he drinks a bottle and just smiles a little, laughs a bit. Do you realise how many serial killers abstained from drinking? I think it's extremely judgemental to say you're not going to give someone a chance to prove their worth simply because they drink. As I've said, it's legal. A lot of people drink alcohol, and the majority of them aren't monsters. It's a perfectly normal part of every day life. The problem I have is with prejudice. I'm sorry for anything terrible that may have happened to you, but I don't think it's right of you to form an opinion of somebody's capability or characteristics based on preconceived generalizations.

 

Again, is judging someone for having had experiences that lead them to be judgmental about people who drink less appropriate than, say, judging someone for having experiences that lead them to drink? I'd rather a partner whose experiences have led them to a little self-medication than one whose experiences have led them to be prejudicial and judgemental of others. "Maybe consider other people's past and experience and how they might affect the decisions they make." More often than not, someone drinks for a reason. I'm not saying alcohol can't be risky: I'm only saying that it can be equally harmless. Obviously you don't get shitfaced and start tying people or knifing people (good old judgemental Sueb) or doing anything dangerous, but I would be pretty damn insulted if you were to automatically assume me to be a dangerous person.

 

You know that you all have your own vices, your own addictions - we all do - that affect your mood and behaviors, as well as being part of a dynamic that is quite familiar with the idea of being unfairly judged at first uninformed glance. Obviously, you're entitled to keep your own company, but to me it's a little too close to, "my ex was black and he beat me, so I don't judge anyone because I'm really a good person, but I'll never date someone who's even a little black, because they're scary, and that's just my personal experience." You trade alcohol with skin colour, and your reasoning sounds a little harmful, right? Your experiences are your own, and you have every right to process them and to evolve from them as you see fit, but no, I don't believe you have the right to tar us all with the same brush. That is exactly what prejudice is, and prejudice is wrong.

 

I'm neither proud of it not advocating it, but I spent a decent period as a functioning alcoholic. I was the hardest, safest, most polite worker in the whole joint, kept a roof over my head, nursed my sick mother and was the best goddamn Daddy my princess could ask for. Again, I'm not entirely proud of what my life was then and I've made some positive changes of my own accord, but to claim that someone who drinks at all can't be a safe, responsible, strong, loving, capable and decent man IS unctuous horseshit. Everyone is unique, everyone is an individual, and not everyone is your father/your ex/that guy you knew once. I've had plenty of negative experiences myself, but I would never let them stop me from living my life to the fullest and giving everyone a fair and equal chance. I stand by my belief that you should judge someone by their character, their actions.

 

Also, the OP admitted to a drinking problem, but reiterated that his post was aimed toward the question of why littles leave after finding out about drinking at all. Which I was going to criticize him over, thinking he was overreacting and that most people couldn't really be that narrow-minded, until I saw the responses. To which I would now recommend to the OP to simply not mention the drinking until you've already formed a rapport: if they were going to judge you, then they don't deserve to know anyway, and if they're open and accepting, then they'll appreciate you for you regardless.

 

Look, at the end of the day, do what you want. It's your life. Drink, don't, judge, don't, love, don't. But if you judge a human being's character based on any one attribute rather than their entirety, then I'm going to consider you a terrible, shallow person. And fortunately, my opinion matters just as little as yours does.

Edited July 3, 2018 by papapresents

[Guest SUeB]

Nobody has said that someone who has a drink on occasion cannot be responsible and safe. But someone who has any kind of drinking PROBLEM cannot be trusted to be responsible and safe. Simple as. This was never an open ended "all and any consumption of alcohol is evil" statement. But i absolutely commend anyone that stays away from a heavy drinker. That is NEVER a good thing. Ever. It was also a hard limit of mine. Is Master teetotal? No He isn't. He has a couple of drinks now and then. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

And no way should he hide his drinking problem until someone has already invested time and interest in him. That's a terrible suggestion. And once again....incredibly irresponsible.

[ThePoet]

I'm not telling him to hide it. I'm telling him that if he's encountering people who judge him unfairly, to lead with his good foot. If he feels people are unnecessarily sanctimonious or self-serving, he doesn't need to spill his dirty laundry so soon. Again, your insinuation being that if he reveals it later, that someone who may already find him appealing might change their mind? That's my point. I find that disgusting. If someone is a decent person, who cares what they enjoy, if it doesn't hurt anyone? We all have skeletons; do we need to lay ourselves bare straight away, and do we deserve to be generalized for our problems if we do? And as for your judgemental opinions on what is NEVER good and what people CANNOT be, I know for a fact that you're wrong, so I'll stick that one in the same place I do the majority of your comments. Agree to disagree!

[Little Illy]

Im not going to get into the debate of drinking and its affects on the CG/L dynamic, nor the side bar of how different experiences and different addictions leads to different issues. That has all and well been covered.

 

What I am going to point out is this: You are the common denominator.

 

Something about you is turning this women away. You believe it is because they don't like your drinking. That speaks to itself as to how bad your problem may very well be. OR it could also be the type of women you are trying to court. Are they younger? Are they inexperienced? Etc? Why do I ask? Because if you get with a certain demographic, you aren't going to find support. Typically younger members of the community or inexperienced members can't handle the weight of a drinking problem. But if you start looking for older or more experienced women, you may find some who understand what you are going through AND are ABLE/CAPABLE of giving you support. 

 

It sounds like something needs to change on your end, but it might just be simply looking for a different, more understanding, type of woman vs any woman who might be interested in you.

Edited July 3, 2018 by Little Illy

[Little Illy]

Lately I've had a few littles up and leave after they find out I drink a fair bit, often before I even get the chance to explain my history and relationship with alcohol which is admittedly not great. 

 

I'm wondering why this may be because I never demonstrate any bad intentions while intoxicated 

 

Also, I do want to point out that if you reread this carefully, you are admitting here that you drink a lot. And that very well may be the issue.  If it is to a point where you have to "explain your history" with alcohol, that is pretty severe. And just because you don't demonstrate bad intentions, doesn't mean the little isn't uncomfortable. So maybe understand a lot of people simply cannot handle that kind of responsibility.

 

However, maybe another option is you need to fix this problem, or smooth it out a bit more, before getting a relationship. Not saying you have to be 100% perfect, but, enough so that these issues don't scare people. Maybe focusing on your recovery is better than trying to juggle that and being a Daddy. It might be best to focus on friendships and support systems vs how you are going to be with another person who may not understand.

Edited July 3, 2018 by Little Illy

[Guest SUeB]

@papapresents so are you trying to suggest that a drinking problem can ever be good? Because i find it astounding that anyone could genuinely believe that.

And yes, the op has made it clear that his drinking is to the extent that it can be deemed excessive, or at the very least an issue. So no, he shouldn't try keep it to himself. Any potential partner has the right to know something that MIGHT AFFECT THE RELATIONSHIP from the beginning. And yes, shock horror....excessive drinking is pretty well known to affect relationships!