Confused

[mylittlemermaid]

[Tread]

My advice, you seem to have a bunch of stuff going on in your life. This is probably very stressful and your probably really confused. In my opinion I would stop worrying. Do what you feel like doing in the moment, no sense in worrying about the future when we can't really affect it. Let life play out, I'm sure everything will sort itself out in the end. I hope this helps...

[Sir Daddy]

okay...going to take this bit by bit...

>>I have been "into" dd/lg and dl type things since I was a child and would daydream about it often. I have never actually told anyone about this because I feel ashamed of it 50% of the time.

You are a grown intelligent adult and so is everyone here...and I think everyone here would say this lifestyle choice is nothing to be ashamed of.  Perhaps something you could try are some self-affirmation exercises?  I know to some it may seem 'hokey' or so 80's...but for some it works so it might be something to try.

>>When I got older and discovered others like me at first I was excited, but then I began to repress it to try and make this desire go away. I know that even though my relationship is not bdsm in any way, I do experience "sub drop" after having sex or orgasm.

The repression is probably related to feeling ashamed so I'll point back to the first section.

'Sub Drop' can be a very serious thing for some people.  If you have no one to provide aftercare for you when this happens then it's important to learn some self aftercare techniques.  Two articles which are a good place to start are:

http://brairthornblog.wordpress.com/2009/12/05/self-aftercare-taken-from-a-different-blog/
http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/01/caring-for-yourself-after-a-scene-self-aftercare/

>>I am engaged to a wonderful man who loves me and truly does take care of me but not in a dd/lg way. At first I thought he could maybe one day do such things but the more I think about it the more I realize...probably not. I tried telling him about dd/lg once but he's so vanilla and I totally stopped myself from actually explaining and now I just call him "daddy" sometimes during sex or as a pet name instead of "babe".

Sounds like there is the possibility that he could be accepting of a DD/lg relationship.  Just go slow and remember to remind him that DD/lg has nothing to do with incest if that's something to be concerned about.  Some new Daddies just need an adjustment period.

>>I don't even know if I would want to live the lifestyle because sometimes I do tire of it and not visit dd/lg again until I'm ready and I go through phases of throwing away all my cute things and paci's etc because I get disgusted with myself. Also, I don't know if I'll ever truly tell my fiance/very soon to be husband. Also, I'm a christian.

The phases you go through and disgust you feel seemed linked to the repression and feeling ashamed in the previous sections...again some kind of self acceptance exercises definitely could be helpful

As for being Christian I'm hesitant to comment on that due do the fact I don't know what branch of Christianity you are affiliated with, or the level of devotion in your practice.

>>It's all so stressful and I have a lot of other stress going on in my life and I feel gross and needy and scared and I am starting college at a new school next month and am moving away and won't see my fiancé often until after our wedding when he moves to where I'll be.

I can easily relate to the part about stress...some kind of meditation or breathing exercises are helpful for some...couldn't hurt to try

Congrads on college and getting Married!

...and you are not defective or messed up...you're just going through a difficult period filled with Lots of change...a little disorientation is to be expected (trust me on this).  And don't forget you have a wonderful community here filled with lots of supportive people *thumbs up*

[mylittlemermaid]

Thank you Tread and Sir Daddy for your responses. I really really really appreciate it! I'm on my phone right now so I don't know how to tag or quote or anything but it means so much that y'all would take the time to talk to me and reply so thoughtfully! Thank you bunches!