Need Advice?

[DeluxTurtle]

So I actually made an account specifically to ask this question, but before that, a bit of background on the situation. I've been a daddy for... 3 years now, and my little one has been a little for around as long. We've just recently met, no more than a month, but I really like her, and I'm always thinking about the future I would have with her. But this is an online thing, and here lies the problem. She's a problematic little, to say the least. Terrible environment at home, trust issues, abused by her last daddy too, depression, suicidal, anorexia, etc. A whole cacophony of problems. But she also likes to be abused slightly, so I try to balance the abuse to be only during playtime or when she's being bratty, with love the other times. But recently I've found out a bunch of things: that she doesn't listen to a single thing I say that she doesn't like, no matter how much I try to coax her, be strict with her, or punish her. I'm this close to giving in and just being lazy, giving her time outs instead, except that I'd be worried the whole time. Clearly she wouldn't be though, because whenever I bring up a topic she doesn't like, like bedtime, or her ex boyfriend, or her having a little bit of bread for breakfast, she'll just ignore me until she thinks it's time to come back. Worse, she lies to me about many different things unless I force the truth out of her, she tells her problems more to a boy she met a week ago than me, will hang up on me sometimes just to call him, and actually listens to him and goes to his place. Whereas for me, whenever I bring up visiting, I'm met by a resounding no. I thought this was just because it was online, and that I'm not there in person to enforce my rules, but she even listens to her online pro anorexia group more than she does me. Long rant, I know, but I felt that some context was needed. 

 

TLDR: My little doesn't listen, lies, and trusts strangers more than she trusts me. I have no idea what to do

[Guest aphroditelaughs]

You're trying to make it work and to me it sounds like she's playing games. You are worth more than lies and a refusal to communicate. Does this relationship meet your needs? I'd reckon it doesn't. My advice is to have an adult conversation (if at all possible) and if you aren't heard or respected, leave.

[DeluxTurtle]

I've tried that, making her big and telling her exactly why this type of stuff isn't working. Why I don't want her trusting a stranger more than she trusts me, why she shouldn't lie, etc etc. She understands all of that, I put it in her perspective, I tried to make her see why it was wrong and then as soon as she's done crying I feel horrible and she goes right back to doing her thing. Is it because of her issues? Because I'm not there physically? I don't want to leave because it feels like I'd be giving up, and I like her, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and honestly, every time I go onto the same carousel ride with her it just gets me doubting my own anger more and more

[Guest aphroditelaughs]

It could be because of her issues, but those are her things to tackle and also they aren't excuses for poor behavior. It's perfectly okay to care for her, but it's not your responsibility to try and fix them. She's still an adult and if adult conversations don't work and she keeps doing the things you've asked her not to, it probably won't improve.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

I am confused, what is your question?

[Guest QueenJellybean]

as much as it sucks, i have to second what's been said above. 

 

it sounds like she has a lot of problems that need professional help.

you aren't her therapist, or her doctor.

you are supposed to be her partner. 

 

you can love & support someone. 

you can want them to be well.

but you can also acknowledge that they might be unhealthy for you. 

 

if she isn't already getting professional help, you should absolutely suggest & emphatically recommend that she gets some.

but beyond that? 

i don't see how there is much positives in this situation here.

there's a lot of disrespect, lies, & hurting -- on both sides.

that isn't healthy for either one of you.

enabling her in order to keep her happy isn't going to be beneficial for either one of you.

& pushing her to start behaving in a more healthy manner is just going to backfire, especially in the mental head space that she is. 

 

this is an awful situation, hands down, but i don't see how you can do anything to improve it other than taking a step back. 

[Guest Arc]

I don't want to leave because it feels like I'd be giving up, and I like her, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and honestly, every time I go onto the same carousel ride with her it just gets me doubting my own anger more and more

 

 

That should not be a reason for staying. It's not "giving up" if you're at a point where she isn't willing to go further. Both people in a relationship need to grow together and if she's stuck where she is then it's not giving up, but rather moving on. 

 

Why do you feel you are doing something wrong? What you've said gives the impression she needs a lot of professional help. You're her partner and you can love and support her but it's not your job to fix her and cater to her every need. 

 

Sometimes people just don't work out for various reasons and fighting to keep it together isn't healthy. Put yourself first and protect yourself. 

[Kresaera]

I trust NO-ONE above my Daddy. Not the groups I'm in, not my bestt friend, nobody. I agree with Aphrodite above, she's playing games with you.

[neworder]

if you go seeking out these online only ddlg things, you will wind up finding some little who will treat ddlg like a phone app. if the app isn't running, and she's in the 'real world' then nothing ddlg applies to her and she will think she is not answerable to you. 

 

can you list the red flags (hindsight being 20/20) there were, when you were first getting into this situation? her actions and admissions?

[Guest SUeB]

Sorry, but her past has nothing to do with how she treats you. Or rather, it's not an excuse. She sounds like a complete nightmare, to be brutally honest. And all this trouble in an LDR? Is this really what you want for yourself?

She is an adult. But you aren't there to try get her to act like one. Sounds like she couldn't care less about you, or what you say to her. Either put ip with it, or say goodbye. Yep, i am being pretty harsh maybe, but it's my opinion. What you do with it is your choice, of course.