Effort...

[Guest Professor Optics]

What is effort? Ladies, what do you consider as effort when you're with you man? Men, what do you consider effort when you're with your lady?

 

I've been burnt in the past where I've often put in a lot of effort into a relationship, and I fail to see how much effort the other party is putting in. As a result relationships have failed, both platonic and romantic, and I've now defaulted into following Pareto's principle of the 80/20 rule. This for me means only reaching out to the other person if I haven't heard for them in a week or so, and facilitating the conversation when they reach out to me; setting dates when they do, and doing what I can to match the effort they are putting in.

 

Also, when do you consider yourself putting in to much effort? and how do you tell whether the other person is putting as much effort in? I really want to find that balance, and I need your help, advice and suggestions in finding it... I want to put in effort, and i also don't want to be the only one to do so...

[Guest QueenJellybean]

i know i say this a lot, but i think the best resolution for this issue is to talk to your partner about how you're feeling. if you are concerned you are putting in too much effort, that's probably because -- like you've stated in your post -- you don't feel like you are receiving enough effort so you end up overcompensating. this needs to be brought up to your partner. try to have specific examples of the kind of effort you'd like to see more of. 

 

for instance, in my polya relationships, communication is the crux of our success. just yesterday, i had a conversation with my partner & his other partner about needing more attention and time due to the stress i'm under in therapy. i felt like i was putting in too much effort & not having my needs met in return. for me, too much effort translated to neglecting my own needs in favor of my partner's. i expressed clearly that i felt like i was always the one making the plans, always the one haggling for more time, always the one reaching out first. we talked for a while about how my needs weren't being met -- because that's what it's all about, right? -- & we found a solution that worked best for everyone, & got me the extra effort & attention i was desperately needing. 

 

i think a helpful tip for the future would be to be aware of your needs & make sure that you can find a way to vocalize them. i even suggest making it clear from the beginning that you'd like the conversation to flow naturally & not have to always be you initiating, or something similar. maybe even breaking it down simply enough in a tit for tat system if that's what works for you; i have a friend who i have a "never ending conversation" rule with. no one ever "ends" the conversation when we're texting, we just keep going over a long span, replying whenever we have the time. similarly, i've had partners in the past who would prefer to alternate between plan making. if i made plans to go out for dinner last weekend, they'd arrange plans for the next time we saw each other. 

 

tldr; i think this a little less about effort than you expected it to be & a lot more about you feeling your needs aren't getting met. make sure that you make it clear what you want out of the relationship next time around & be specific! chances are, you'll meet some folks who just can't give you the effort you want (& deserve) but the chances of you finding someone who can are much higher if you are clear from the get-go! & it seems like you know what you need, so you're already halfway there! good luck! 

[Guest SUeB]

It's a shame when bad experiences cause us to become cynical and to make us put effort into lowering our efforts. But it happens.

For me, the effort has to be mutual. We aren't all the same of course, and just because we do something specific, we can't expect the other person to do the exact same thing.

Effort is shown in many different ways.

But it's usually pretty clear when you're getting very little back.

[Guest Professor Optics]

i know i say this a lot, but i think the best resolution for this issue is to talk to your partner about how you're feeling. if you are concerned you are putting in too much effort, that's probably because -- like you've stated in your post -- you don't feel like you are receiving enough effort so you end up overcompensating. this needs to be brought up to your partner. try to have specific examples of the kind of effort you'd like to see more of. 

 

for instance, in my polya relationships, communication is the crux of our success. just yesterday, i had a conversation with my partner & his other partner about needing more attention and time due to the stress i'm under in therapy. i felt like i was putting in too much effort & not having my needs met in return. for me, too much effort translated to neglecting my own needs in favor of my partner's. i expressed clearly that i felt like i was always the one making the plans, always the one haggling for more time, always the one reaching out first. we talked for a while about how my needs weren't being met -- because that's what it's all about, right? -- & we found a solution that worked best for everyone, & got me the extra effort & attention i was desperately needing. 

 

i think a helpful tip for the future would be to be aware of your needs & make sure that you can find a way to vocalize them. i even suggest making it clear from the beginning that you'd like the conversation to flow naturally & not have to always be you initiating, or something similar. maybe even breaking it down simply enough in a tit for tat system if that's what works for you; i have a friend who i have a "never ending conversation" rule with. no one ever "ends" the conversation when we're texting, we just keep going over a long span, replying whenever we have the time. similarly, i've had partners in the past who would prefer to alternate between plan making. if i made plans to go out for dinner last weekend, they'd arrange plans for the next time we saw each other. 

 

tldr; i think this a little less about effort than you expected it to be & a lot more about you feeling your needs aren't getting met. make sure that you make it clear what you want out of the relationship next time around & be specific! chances are, you'll meet some folks who just can't give you the effort you want (& deserve) but the chances of you finding someone who can are much higher if you are clear from the get-go! & it seems like you know what you need, so you're already halfway there! good luck! 

 

Thing is, it's not so much about me putting too much effort in now. I think it's become the other end of the spectrum. A friend of mine recently made me aware that I may not be putting in as much effort as what they require, and this has me wondering if i'm not doing enough for my little. For example, at the moment my little is usually the one to contact me first. When she was sick and unable to talk, i would then send her messages every night before i went to bed to reassure her that she was in my thoughts. When she recovered, it went back to being her contacting me first. She enjoys talking to me, yet i don't want to feel like i'm over-imposing by constantly messaging her. At the same time, i don't want her feeling like i'm not wanting to put the effort in. I do, and what i really want is a balance where she can give me what i need, and i can give her what she needs without being overly insistent, pushy or needy.

 

I want to be my little's rock... her strong foundation, her unwavering mountain, and I feel that i can't be that if i'm constantly being needy with her, always wanting to talk to her, and even to some degree, expressing my feelings and needs/desires to her. How do you remain strong, whilst allowing yourself to be vulnerable around the person you care the most for?

[Guest QueenJellybean]

Thing is, it's not so much about me putting too much effort in now. I think it's become the other end of the spectrum. A friend of mine recently made me aware that I may not be putting in as much effort as what they require, and this has me wondering if i'm not doing enough for my little. For example, at the moment my little is usually the one to contact me first. When she was sick and unable to talk, i would then send her messages every night before i went to bed to reassure her that she was in my thoughts. When she recovered, it went back to being her contacting me first. She enjoys talking to me, yet i don't want to feel like i'm over-imposing by constantly messaging her. At the same time, i don't want her feeling like i'm not wanting to put the effort in. I do, and what i really want is a balance where she can give me what i need, and i can give her what she needs without being overly insistent, pushy or needy.

 

I want to be my little's rock... her strong foundation, her unwavering mountain, and I feel that i can't be that if i'm constantly being needy with her, always wanting to talk to her, and even to some degree, expressing my feelings and needs/desires to her. How do you remain strong, whilst allowing yourself to be vulnerable around the person you care the most for?

 

i think there's definitely a give & take involved in this, for sure. i stand by my earlier statement! have you shared this with your partner? show her this thread, if that's easier. 

 

also, strong & weak are subjective terms here. you can be both at the same time, it all depends on your definition of them. but she definitely needs to know how you are feeling & chances are, she'll be able to tell you what she needs just like your friend was able to communicate that they didn't feel enough effort. ask her to give you specific examples. use the things you cited here! 

 

i am confident you can find that balance, but the person you'll find it with is her! open up to her! <3 

[Silkyblacklace]

Professor Optics,

 

Communication and effort are key!

Don’t feel as though your becoming overbearing by wanting to be in contact with her constantly! She will feel as though you cherish her beyond anything and everyone else. An, showing her that you care which is key in this relationship. Why should she always have to come after you to start the conversation, or simply ask how you are. She may also notice this and slowly may begin to back away, wondering if you care about her on the level she does for you.

Some rules that you can put forth for yourself and her is establishing a good morning, goodnight ritual. You message her when you wake up, and same goes for bed. Tell her your beautiful, or do something to surprise.. the littlest bit of effort goes a long way and is appreciated! Sometimes we need to be sure that we’re needed.. and in this case my friend this sounds like you. Express yourself to her and you’ll be just fine.

[Siniwit]

I'm not gonna be able to add much that others haven't already expressed. The long and short of it is communication is key.

You need to talk openly with your partner about these very things. My little and I quite literally talk about anything and everything; we have an understanding that we hide nothing and don't let anything bottle up or just sit and simmer. We address all concerns as quickly as possible. Sometimes she does let it bottle up a little, but she also recognises when she's doing that and brings it up before it becomes a big deal. You should probably be doing the same with your partner about these very thoughts surrounding effort. Just being open, honest and feeling free to discuss these things together is what will solidify your relationship and keep you both grounded and able to move forward and grow together.

​As for me and my little? We have a persistent back-and-forth. I mean, it's hard not to when you're quite literally sat on Skype 24/7, but even without that, we'd still be messaging back-and-forth as often as possible. The conversation never ends and we never say goodbye or anything like that. We want each other to feel like we're each always there for our partner, at all times. Everybody does it differently, but we kinda fell into this naturally, over a period of time and discussed what our needs were. I'm sure if you do the same, you'll find that balance you're looking for.

[Guest Professor Optics]

I'm not gonna be able to add much that others haven't already expressed. The long and short of it is communication is key.

 

You need to talk openly with your partner about these very things. My little and I quite literally talk about anything and everything; we have an understanding that we hide nothing and don't let anything bottle up or just sit and simmer. We address all concerns as quickly as possible. Sometimes she does let it bottle up a little, but she also recognises when she's doing that and brings it up before it becomes a big deal. You should probably be doing the same with your partner about these very thoughts surrounding effort. Just being open, honest and feeling free to discuss these things together is what will solidify your relationship and keep you both grounded and able to move forward and grow together.

 

​As for me and my little? We have a persistent back-and-forth. I mean, it's hard not to when you're quite literally sat on Skype 24/7, but even without that, we'd still be messaging back-and-forth as often as possible. The conversation never ends and we never say goodbye or anything like that. We want each other to feel like we're each always there for our partner, at all times. Everybody does it differently, but we kinda fell into this naturally, over a period of time and discussed what our needs were. I'm sure if you do the same, you'll find that balance you're looking for.

What do you do when she's busy, and doesn't reply or forgets to reply? Do you just send the message and wait until she responds, or do you wait a little bit (like a day or a few hours) until you message her again? do you remind her about the last message you sent her, or do you carry on as though you never sent it at all?

[Siniwit]

We have a rule where we always inform each other when we're going to be busy (like right now, she's just gone to the store to pick up a couple of things); if it's planned, we let each other know in advance what our intentions are, but if it's spontaneous, she asks me if she can or if it's something with family, she tells me that's what's happening and then we're all good. Very rarely, if ever is she busy and I'm not aware of it.

​If there's ever anything I need to send her while she's gone, I just send it and expect that she'll reply once she's back - and she always does. It's not quite the same as you, since we're always on a call with each other, but if she ever forgets, I just casually bring it up during natural conversation and remind her in a light-hearted way. If she says she deliberately didn't respond, then immediately, my mood is less jovial and instead serious and I attempt to understand why. If it's an accident, she responds to it there and then, and we move on. She never completely forgets about me though, like, she always comes back to me whenever she's done doing whatever she's doing, though she may egg and forget to reply to me and instead message me about whatever's happened for her while she's been gone, she at least messages me. If that makes sense?

​There's never a day that goes by where we don't message each other. If she ever needs space, she tells me so and I give her that and just have to wait it out. I can send her whatever, at whatever time, but if she's taking time for herself, she will come back to me when she's ready to (could be a few hours). No use spamming; just got to be patient and remain occupied doing other things.