Unintentional disrespect leading to trust issues - help!

[Redheaddolly]

So,we started really exploring ddlg a couple months back. We also enjoy swinging, and bdsm. There have been multiple instances now where he has made sexual plans with other people and includes me in the plans but doesn't actually tell me until right beforehand. Example: calls me a couple hours before were going to a movie night with friends to tell me the intention was to all have sex together afterward. I'm left blindsided, and feel like he doesn't care about my feelings as theyve all gotten chances to talk and think about it but I'm left out. We talked long and hard after that (and other instances) and came to a good conclusion, we worked through it. It wasn't intentional, he just assumed I would be into it and forgot to tell me. Things like this have happened a couple times now, and he didn't see how they were all related until we really talked about it. He's promised to let is actions speak louder than words, nd try harder in future endeavors. The problem is, I feel my trust in him has already been taken advantage of and its hard not to expect it again. The bigger problem is.. I don't want to call him daddy anymore. I feel like it took us a long time to get to that point, and it was taken advantage of. And it hurts so much to say that. I think it can come back, but I don't know what to do or how to approach this. Any experience or advice would be much appreciated xo

[baby_k]

They say time heals, well, I disagree but positive experiences will do just that. Meaning: when you see that he fixes his behaviour there, you will start trusting him again.

 

It may now feel like all is lost but if you want to continue with him and build your relationship, there is no reason why that could not happen. But you need to want it (and he needs to put effort there also to regain the trust)

 

If you don't feel like calling him Daddy now, then don't. That is your choice.

 

But I get the feeling that you are still upset about what happened (rightfully so) and maybe you don't feel that he truly understands what he did? Not wanting to call him Daddy also maybe meant as punishment/wake up call for him? If so, means you have not got good enough closure for the situation. This is of course just quessing from my part!

 

When facing similar issues, I could not let go of the hurt untill I felt the other person truly understood how I felt and how what they did had hurt me. If you are in similar position, I recommend reading about how to make good apology and science behind it.

[TheDaddyest]

Hey sorry to hear about your problems. The guy sounds like he has major communication issue for one. And respect issues. I don't think he understands you very much and that might make this less of a respect issue than it seems. Before a relationship like this starts it's best to have hours of conversations on fantasys and limits. BDSM is the most intimate relationship a person can have in a lot of ways. For a healthy relationship to work you need multiple times more trust and openness than a normal relationship. And the deeper you go into BDSM, those aspects need to increase exponentially. Having your guest bruised, or losing reverence for your Dom or sub can have devastating effect on the quality of a relationship.

 

I'LL clean this up later I'm on a phone atm. But that's my general thoughts while I kill time in the waiting room.

[Guest Looby-Lou]

We don't know how long you've been together - longer than the couple of months exploring DDlg or not - and I don't know if that is relevant to your current problem, but two months isn't a long time for a relationship or to develop totally secure DDlg practice with each other. 

It's understandable that your confidence and trust are shaken. BUT, you say that you and your partner had a good long discussion about things and 

- he explained why he had done this 

- he promised to change his behaviour.

So I think the best thing now, if you can do it, is to give him a chance to live up to his words. If he proves that he's understood why you were hurt, and if he includes you properly in decisions/plans in future, then hopefully over time your trust will grow again.

Meanwhile, there's nothing wrong with telling him that you can't just suddenly trust him again, that you feel bruised, that for now you don't want to call him "Daddy".

Take the pressure off yourself, you're allowed to feel sad/hurt/betrayed (whatever it is you feel, I don't want to put words in your mouth). But if you want the relationship, then give him a chance to deliver.

And maybe you both can use this as a launch pad for better communication in general, trust building exercises, bonding exercises etc.  

[CaresAlot]

I can see what the problem is in your very first line - "there have been multiple instances".  Like the old saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".  The first time you should have said no, we have to discuss this before hand or its not going to happen.  If there are no consequences to  actions then it will (as you have learned) happen time and time again.  Trust takes a long to time to earn and can fly away in a second.

 

If you intend to fix things then there has to be some consequences.  There also has to be a willingness to help in repairing the relationship.  Be very clear in your expectations and don't let anything slide.  Time to sit down with your big girl panties on and figure out what y'all want to do to heal this hurt.