How do I fix it? (Possible TW / abuse)

[Bambi95]

Over the last few months I have been on a downward spiral and I have been trying desperately to stop it before I had a mental breakdown. My depression and my BPD have been ruining my relationship with my Daddy.

 

Before I explain the situation, please know that I already feel shit about what I have done. You do not have to criticise me I just want help. I want desperately to stop my BPD from controlling me like this.

 

It started with small things. I would drain his patience until he couldn't take it anymore. I would just be miserable all day without realising it. And he felt like everything he did to help was just wasted and that I would never be happy. We would have small fights but we would get passed it and then things would be ok for a while again.

 

Until it happened again.

 

Each time it just seemed to get worse. The last time we had a fight I screamed awful things at him. I tried to make him hate me so he would let me leave the apartment so I could kill myself. I told him I never loved him. That I felt sorry for him and was with him out of pity. That little me was dead and that he had no point in being my Daddy anymore. It killed me to say it. It broke my heart to see the pain I was causing.

Still we talked about it and tried to recover. I promised it would never happen again because it killed me to hurt him like that.

 

Fast forward to today...

 

It started over nothing. I upset him and and told him he was overreacting. That he was wrong. I apologised for hurting him but told him I didn't believe I was wrong. He asked me why. And for some reason this infuriated me.

It was because I was frustrated at realising that I was in the wrong. That yet again, I got upset over nothing and blamed him.

The little voice in my head told me to shut up and say sorry and hope he could forgive me. But I ignored it.

 

And then I erupted. I screamed in his face and hit him... I have never hit him before. But the look on his face... it will haunt me. I told him I hated him and that I could never love him. That I would hurt him. He looked so scared and hurt and just. .... heartbroken.

 

It killed me to realise that I was abusing him as I had been in an abusive relationship before so I know how it feels.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to be like this. I... just want to show him that I love him and that the regret I feel is just... overwhelming.

I don't know if I'm just venting or looking for help... I just know I have to fix it.

 

We have talked. He doesn't know how to recover from everything I said... from me hitting him. We do still love each other. Our love has never faltered. But I need to stop this abusive spiral I'm on before he does hate me.

 

Just in case, therapy or hospital is suggested, please know this is absolutely not an option just because of something that happened to me in a psych hospital before.

 

Well umm that's all of it... sorry if it's long.

Edited June 18, 2018 by Bambi95

[Guest SaladHater]

Break up with him youre not ready for a relationship

[Bambi95]

Break up with him youre not ready for a relationship

Uhh... how bout no? Thanks for your compassion dude. Really appreciate it.

[katkenzie]

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Edited October 1, 2020 by katkenzie

[Bambi95]

I know this isn't what you want to really hear, but you need therapy. I would try couples therapy. You wont have to worry about anything happening to you, you will have him to support you. I have been to many therapists, they cannot do anything but advise you. They have no authority to make you do something you don't want to. The only way to get out of this is to learn coping mechanisms to deal with these times. I am in the same boat as you, I have depression and BPD. I hurt my past partner a lot because I would say awful things. You are stuck in an awful head space at that moment and you need to be pulled out of it. I know what its like to say such awful things and painfully regret those words not shortly after.

 

I do hope you can over come this. If you want to vent about depression or BPD, come talk to me.

Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate your non judgemental tone. Unfortunately, therapy is too expensive at the moment. Realistically it just can't happen due to the cost. Which is why I was hoping for advice otherwise I would be willing to try therapy for him. I really would do anything for him.. even therapy again.

[DaBrat1994]

i agree with what the person in the frist comment beause you need to take some time for your self and reevlate everything about yourself because from what it sounds like is the absuse victim become the absuer and no i'm not tryin to condemn you i'm just stating that you need to take a break because it's getting to you or thats what it sounds like to me.. i have been in past absuive realtionships but i don't think i have ever abused anyone i also have depression and to help my depression i have music maybe just take a break from each other for a weekend or a week and reevluate what you both want from the realtionship and see about fixin it from there?

[katkenzie]

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Edited October 1, 2020 by katkenzie

[Guest aphroditelaughs]

I know you said therapy isn't an option and for absolutely valid reasons, but from what you've written here outpatient services may not be avoidable for much longer. I suggest this very gently and with as much respect as possible.

 

But for the mean time, I'll suggest a writing exercise I was assigned by my therapist. It helps ground me when I feel out of control. Try writing a list of personal truths - it can be something simple like your eye color or the date, but it can also be positive beliefs (like if you are religious, saying "I believe in God" or something similar).

 

Also there are many excellent crisis lines that offer both call and online chat options.

 

I'm glad you're reaching out.

Edited June 19, 2018 by aphroditelaughs

[katkenzie]

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Edited October 1, 2020 by katkenzie

[DaBrat1994]

its not the break up i am thinking about its about taking a break from everything not a full time break maybe just a weekend break? i get the support systems because i need one too when i get bad in my depression but which is why i'm not suggesting a full break up just a day away from each other to think about things... or like stated about the writing excise like i stated i have music i also have music up in the background no matter what i'm doing just incase i get in a bad place find something that helps you cope with it

[Bambi95]

I genuinely appreciate everyone's advice. As I said, therapy isn't an option due to the cost. And a hospital stay isn't possible because of my PTSD.

 

Breaking up isn't what either of us want. It's not that I don't think we can overcome this, I believe we can. I just... don't know how to start reparations. Like I said we have talked for hours. And we know we want the same thing. Feelings haven't changed. He is nothing but patient but I don't want him to put up with this anymore. No one should have to put up with this.

 

A break however temporary, would just be more damaging for us. We work through our issues better together. We usually help one another and are good influences on each other. I'm not abusive naturally. I just can't control my mental illness when I'm depressed on top of it.

[DaBrat1994]

maybe use a system when you start feeling depressed then maybe ask him to do something with you that you like and work your way from there 

[Breakingsilver]

I’m still learning to cope with my BPD without medication and therapy. I completely understand on how difficult it is. When you can afford it, I definetly recommend a therapy. I don’t know if I’m overstepping the rules by giving advice, but try to ground yourself, use all your senses to bring yourself back. Find something you can see, touch, smell, something you can safely taste. It takes time to get used to doing that skill but I’ve recommended it to a lot of people.

[Guest Dulci]

Fellow Uker here: you can get therapy through the NHS. I'm the last person to say to go to the doctor for mental health as they are useless. BUT. It sounds like you're hurting and you need to seek some help before you hurt someone or yourself.

 

I've been in a situation like this. I ruined relationships. Friendships. And I even put my job on the line. Do not wait. You need to go.

 

Book a GP appointment and explain to them. Hopefully you have a nice doctor and they put you on a waiting list.

 

I'm also happy to talk to your privately if you need too as well. You've got this!!

Edited June 19, 2018 by Dulci

[I.Am.Snek]

My sister has BPD and what helped her alot especially when she was with someone was quiet time when things got bad like just sitting and not talking if that makes sense like she would walk away before things happend (like yelling)

i understand its not that easy but it might help with things and maybe just have a talk where you guys just get everything on the table and talk thru the issues maybe with a mutual friend there to stop any mayjor fights or something like that

Sorry if this doesnt make much sense not the best at writing what im thinking

[Alchemist]

Many thanks for useful input. I have had similar dilemma with my Baby girl/Kitten that had adverse impact on the relationship and the mutual respect dynamics. I am sure she's been devastated by the outcome.

[whatwhat]

I would say if you can’t afford support maybe you could (as someone else mentioned on here) like walk away before things get too heated or you do something you regret later due to overwhelming emotions, and if that doesn’t work then perhaps tell him you two should take a break from each other for a bit just so you can like try to understand why you react the way you do, your triggers, how to react in a less negative way etc it doesn’t have to be for ages just maybe like a month or two I suppose

Also i can only imagine how sad the guy must be, so be understanding if he becomes a little distant/closed off, you’ll most likely need to gradually try and build up your relationship again and keep checking in with him to make sure he’s okay

[Guest fledermaus]

It sounds like the two of you are willing to work through this together, which is wonderful. 

Have you looked online to find resources covering BPD and relationships? It may be useful to find something that can help the two of you navigate this difficult time that you don't have to pay for.

 

I think the most important thing in a relationship is communication. It isn't fun and it can be heartbreaking at times, but I doubt your partner can work through this situation for much longer. It may help to have an emotional check in with your partner every now and again, to see how they're coping. It will let them see that you're concerned about their well-being.

 

Can you identify when you start to spiral into that head space? It may be worthwhile asking your partner if you could make him aware that you feel like that, or if he notices it for himself you should discuss it and engage in separate activities. I say this gingerly as I know it can be difficult when all you want to do is talk to them and interact with them, but it's not fair to your partner if he's always on the receiving end of your actions. 

 

Like someone above commented, is it possible for you to go to your GP and seek therapy through them? It should be on the NHS which will be free, and they are working to reduce their waiting list. It isn't necessarily the best option from experience, but they can recommend additional support through their system which may be beneficial. 

 

I'm sorry I can't offer anything further, but I wish the two of you the best.

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

This is going to sound harsh and like a broken record given the replies of others above me but you need some kind of outward intervention, particularly because you started hitting. If you're spiraling downward it will only get worse and let me tell you, BPD (or any other condition) is not an excuse for violence. Whether it's therapy, a hospital stay, whatever. You say it's impossible but one day your only other option will be jail so choose before it's too late. You need outside assistance.