Bad Days and Bad Thoughts

[Siniwit]

Alright CGs,
This time it's me asking for a little comfort and reassurance. I can't sleep and I have a whole bunch of questions swirling around in my head.

 

• ​Do you ever have a spell of days where you just can't help but say some kind of stupid thing that unintentionally upsets your little?
   
• ​If you do, what do you lot do to help calm, soothe and reassure your partner?
   
• ​How do you, as the Caregiver, cope with the bad days? How do you deal with the stress, worry, sickliness and time away from your partner while you're busy worrying if you've said the worst possible thing in the world without thinking?
   
• ​Do you occupy yourselves or do you literally sit by your phone or computer or whatever (if you're LDR) until you get a response?
   
• ​If you're not LDR, how do you approach these situations? Has anyone experienced this both in and out of LDR relationships? If so, how would you approach it differently?
   
• ​Do your littles take time to themselves to reflect on things?

​A little context:

My little and I have it in our agreement that we'll try to allow each other some time and space away from each other a few times a week, so that we both feel able to remain ourselves while we're enjoying being a 24/7 LDR couple.

Before anyone jumps in by saying "blah blah blah, that's unhealthy; you need more time apart, you should both be individuals coming together, no-one should be 24/7 when LDR" - pause before you type and try to understand that this is the type of relationship that we have both agreed works for us, for a variety of reasons, which I will not disclose as frankly, it's irrelevant to this topic and is nobody's business but our own. I appreciate the concern, but that's not what this topic is about and it's something we've discussed at great length and continue to check-in on each other about.

​Sometimes we'll have a little argument or a misunderstanding or I, in my incessant pursuit of a reasonable sense of humour, might say something stupid, foolish, entirely redundant or possibly completely insensitive to the moment, her, us or our relationship. I egg. It's not a conscious thing, necessarily. It's never meant in a negative way and it's never intended in a hurtful or upsetting way and 9 times out of 10, we talk it through instantly and we're absolutely fine. She just winds up calling me a goof or a butthead and we kiss and make up. All is right with the world.

​Sometimes, however, it's more than that. Sometimes it's not something that can be talked through instantly and sometimes it stings a little more than I or she can bear and she needs some time to reflect (I don't really take time to reflect on things unless she needs it; I generally try to build my reflection time into other things I do such as cooking or cleaning or washing clothes etc. - I probably should take time specifically for that, but I don't.). It's not that she doubts our relationship and it's not that she questions our love or anything like that, but she has to collect her thoughts. Now, deep down, I know she's not really doubting our relationship or our love and I know she's not going to leave me over some passive comment I made, but the time apart still hurts and my mind still races. It's not in a "I'm just a clingy Daddy" kind of way, but in a worrisome "What have I done?" kind of way... IF that makes sense? To me, the two are very different.

​I have anxiety issues (much like most of us do) and I'm in weekly therapy for it (anxiety amongst other things). My anxieties sometimes let my mind spiral down from "Oh, it was just a joke; everything will be fine" - said to myself - to "Oh dear God, what if she decides she wants to end things? What then?!" kind of full-on panic. It should be noted that I have other chronic health conditions too, the physical symptoms of which can be triggered by my anxiety - so it's best to try and keep the anxiety under wraps.

​In these times where I say something silly, it's hard to tell how my thoughts will go and thus how my anxiety will be affected, and the knock-on consequences of that. I try my absolute best to try to reassure my baby first and foremost, as she is my top priority - always will be; I don't believe in addressing myself before my partner, particularly when it is my role as her Daddy, to take care of her at all times and in all situations. Whilst I'm doing what I can to soothe her mind and bring her back to an at ease state, my own mind and body is going a mile a minute.

Usually this is fine, and especially in an isolated incident with plenty of time in-between. It's only lately that I seem to have had a spell of days where I've been clumsy with my wording or I've said things that were completely unnecessary and were in fact damaging to the conversation we were having. When it's a spell of days, the stress, anxiety, worry and pain all accumulate for both of us. We have ways of letting off steam, of course, and we do both generally look after each other incredibly well. It's just that when these things accumulate, I start feeling down and I can't sleep as much or as well as usual, which obviously affects my brain function and my energy levels, which ultimately affects my ability to effectively be Daddy. There have been a few times lately where I've felt I've truly failed as a Daddy, with a couple of mindless sentences or words that have come out of my mouth and it's just a hard thing to shake (either with something I've said or something someone else has said). It's hard to swallow, after 13+ years in the BDSM community that I still make silly mistakes like these and it's hard to remind myself that I'm only human. I know she knows this too and doesn't fault me for being human, and in the end, she'll come back to me and we'll talk through it all and make up and be just fine.

It's not that I'm struggling as a Daddy, at all and I'm not at all saying that I can't be who and what I want to be for her, as well as look after myself; I can indeed. ​It's just tough sometimes if there's a spell of days where it's all chicken and egg; I don't know if it's the things I say which lead to the tiredness and reduced Daddy-function or if it's the tiredness and reduced Daddy-function which leads to the things I say, and it's hard to shake the quite frankly shitty feelings I get about myself when I've had one of those moments and she's needed to take some time away from me. It's agony, knowing she's upset and won't let me help her. I have poor self-esteem at the best of times and she does her absolute best day-in and day-out to help boost my confidence in myself and in my Daddiness (that's a word, I swear!). She is amazing at that and really, truly helps with that, but for all her efforts, that all kinda crumbles away when I egg out and make a little mistake with my words.

​It's not that she's over-sensitive or anything like that. I'm by no means complaining about my little or wanting to paint her out in a bad light at all. I absolutely adore my special little girl and she's truly the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't tell her enough every single day. None of this or anything in this post is on her, or her fault or anything like that.

​I'm simply wondering if other CGs go through this spiral of self-torment whenever they have a so-called "brain fart" or whatever else you may want to call it. I honestly am writing it like it's a much bigger problem than it is; I mean, it's enough to cause me not to sleep as much as I'd like and it keeps my mind truckin' along, but it's not a constant thing; it's every once in a while and it's usually over and dealt with before I've been able to process what's happened.

​I'm just rambling at this point, in all honesty... I just wonder if others go through this stuff, and what they do to help their partner and themselves to cope with and deal with all the unhelpful stuff going on inside the mindhole?

​I love my little dolly unconditionally, to the moon and back; to infinity and beyond and I don't want her upset that I felt a need to ask others for a bit of advice or comfort due to me likely putting too much pressure on my own shoulders. I just wondered what others might do to help soothe their littles and themselves when situations like this arise?

​Any helpful responses would be very much greatly appreciated - even if I just know I'm not the only one?

​Captain Essay strikes again!

Edited June 18, 2018 by Siniwit

[Guest ESPC]

Hello Siniwit,

for what I can understand, you're being overall reasonable. Just don't leave anxiety trick you, as you say, you're human, but also a great daddy and good example.

It's absolutely fine if she takes longer for reflection, not everyone has the same timings and I bet she does so because she really cares and feels bad as well.

Don't think about the blame, keep the communication flowing and revise often to not leave things pilling up.

[Guest Kerjin]

Alright CGs,

This time it's me asking for a little comfort and reassurance. I can't sleep and I have a whole bunch of questions swirling around in my head.

• ​Do you ever have a spell of days where you just can't help but say some kind of stupid thing that unintentionally upsets your little?

   

• ​If you do, what do you lot do to help calm, soothe and reassure your partner?

   

• ​How do you, as the Caregiver, cope with the bad days? How do you deal with the stress, worry, sickliness and time away from your partner while you're busy worrying if you've said the worst possible thing in the world without thinking?

   

• ​Do you occupy yourselves or do you literally sit by your phone or computer or whatever (if you're LDR) until you get a response?

   

• ​If you're not LDR, how do you approach these situations? Has anyone experienced this both in and out of LDR relationships? If so, how would you approach it differently?

   

• ​Do your littles take time to themselves to reflect on things?

 

Yes, of course, everyone feels this from time to time. It's only human, after all. Let me give my answers below to your questions:

• Yep, all the time. Open mouth, insert foot, sans salt (Or maybe, sometimes, extra salt). Rinse and repeat.
• If it's an LDR, it can be painful as the only contact is via devices that can be ignored by the little. If I am able to get contact, lots of apologizing, lots of "I'm so sorry princess", lots of cuddling, etc., etc., etc.
• Please don't take this the wrong way, but it's "Suck it up Buttercup" for me. I do have bad days, for various reasons. And it's hard to be the strong one ALL the time. But then I remember she needs me, she depends on me, she's lost without me and I find the strength therein to pick the pieces of myself back up and become the Daddy she wants, needs and loves.
• If in an LDR, I occupy myself and wait to be contacted. However, I set a time limit and then I reach out. If there's no response, I repeat the cycle until we get in contact again and then start with #2 again.
• I've experienced this in both LDR and in local LTR. In the case of LTR, local, it's pretty much the same as #4, except I don't have to worry of she's hurting herself or something as she's right there and we can work through it faster.
• I've not yet had a little that takes time off to "reflect on things". Which means nothing as that's my experience only.

 

It's not that I'm struggling as a Daddy, at all and I'm not at all saying that I can't be who and what I want to be for her, as well as look after myself; I can indeed. ​It's just tough sometimes if there's a spell of days where it's all chicken and egg; I don't know if it's the things I say which lead to the tiredness and reduced Daddy-function or if it's the tiredness and reduced Daddy-function which leads to the things I say, and it's hard to shake the quite frankly shitty feelings I get about myself when I've had one of those moments and she's needed to take some time away from me.

This one's the hardest of all I think. It's tough to be the Daddy all the time. That being said, it's tough to be a real father, a real Dad. But you don't get the choice, do you? You're either a dad or your not. If your not, then you walk away and leave your children with their mother and that's it. You failed. IMNSHO. So, since you may have become a real father through some accident or unexpectedly, this LIFESTYLE is NOT accidental. You made this choice, you pursued her.

That being said, please understand I am not berating you for these feelings. I was making a comparison between choosing to be a daddy and unexpectedly becoming one. So, you're right. It's tough, it's hard and it's sometimes tiresome. But it's what we do. And, if we make a mistake, we do what anyone would do, we own our mistake, we claim it, we apologize for it, we kiss and makeup, we cuddle and sniffle and we learn from it and we move on.  Hopefully to never repeat the same mistake again.

 

That all being said, please remember that these are my thought, your mileage WILL vary.