Dealing with long distant silence...

[Guest Professor Optics]

Okay, first off... I'm in a relationship for the first time ever. So other than learning how to be a great caregiver, i'm also learning how to be a great boyfriend. However, there's a caveat. I have zero social acuity. As in, if you don't explicitly tell me something, it's as good as me not knowing.

 

Anyway! I've recently found myself in a great relationship with a wonderful little. The hardest part of it, however, is the long distance. I get that there are times when you won't be able to chat to each other as often as what you may be used to. How do you manage being out of contact with your partner in a LDR?

 

My partner lost her phone, so it will be sometime before we can resume contact with each other. On one hand, it's a good thing. We get to miss each other, which will help strengthen our bond. On the other hand, it's a nightmare! How do you deal with the latter? The hard emotional part of being away from each other, and on top of that, not being able to keep contact for whatever reason?

 

Distractions hardly help, rather, i would like to hear your LDR stories of how you managed through the long periods of no contact for varying reasons. How long were you out of contact? Were things as they were when you left off? Did it help you strengthen your bond with your partner? What did you say when you got that first message after silence? Did you tell them you missed them? How did you cope through those long periods of silence when you knew you couldn't do anything but wait?

[Guest Dulci]

They really have no other way of contacting you? I just find it hard to believe that all they have is their phone... in this day and age we have all sorts of tech at our disposal. How did she tell you she lost her phone? 

Also, communication. I don't believe in mind games and acting like something is up in the vain hope that Daddy will magically know what is up and will ask me what the matter is. You've got to have the ability to talk to each other - you're both not mind readers! 

[Guest Professor Optics]

They really have no other way of contacting you? I just find it hard to believe that all they have is their phone... in this day and age we have all sorts of tech at our disposal. How did she tell you she lost her phone? 

 

Also, communication. I don't believe in mind games and acting like something is up in the vain hope that Daddy will magically know what is up and will ask me what the matter is. You've got to have the ability to talk to each other - you're both not mind readers! 

 

Her circumstances make it difficult to have other means to contact outside of her phone. She still lives with family, and she doesn't have a laptop or anything, so phone is the only method we have to contact, for now. How she contacted me? she made use of her brother's phone to tell me that she had lost her phone.

[Sparklefrosting]

The two of you will have zero contact until she can get a new phone? Seems a little odd if I'm being honest. I mean when I didn't have a phone I still messaged people via game consoles, work/school computers, or even snail mail (she could give a friend's address if doesn't want to deal with her parents.) And if she used her brother's phone once why not again? Is one msg a day on her brother's an unreasonable thing to ask? If it were me I would proceed with caution especially if you are asked to buy or send money for a new phone. 

[xBabydollx]

I guess I can offer u the flipside since I have been in the exact sort of situations as ur little. It was just as hard for me to be away from my partner, especially when I knew the reason for the distance was me. It's super helpful when the other partner provides reassurance. What I used to do was use other ppl's phones and devices as much as I could. I also used to walk to the library every day at times, and other times a few times a week (which wasnt super close btw), cuz I wanted to talk to them so bad and maintain that bridge of communication. So, if she can make it to a library that may be helpful. Lots of ppl got multiple devices this day and time, so even if she can go to a friends house and use their laptop or tablet (or a member in her household) that could be helpful too. If u want to help her out, there is even $20-30 tablets that can be bought and offer internet connections. Just a suggestion.

[JackOfSomeTrades]

For now I'm just going to take it at face value that your little has literally no means to contact you aside from thankfully being able to borrow her brother's phone to let you know she lost hers. I'm also going to assume that this is within the context of what is expected to be a fairly short period of zero communication (that is, days, maybe a couple of weeks, but not months).

 

Trust. Trust is what I suggest you try to rely upon during the period when you cannot communicate at the level you've both become used to.

 

You *both* need to be able to trust that you care enough about each other to make it through to the other side. Will the time apart make you stronger? Nobody can tell you that. For some people it does. For some people it doesn't. I do tend to believe that if at the end of this experience you both have learned that you *can* be out of contact and trust that the other will live up to whatever expectations you had, that you will have learned a valuable lesson about what your relationship can withstand. You will have a wealth of things to communicate about when it's over that will hopefully help you understand each other even more.

 

Which brings me to my actual concrete suggestion. Something that *I* have personally done in dealing with an LDR a looong time ago was to write. Continue to tell them what's on your mind each day by writing it down. Can you send it to them? No. Nor do you get to benefit from the immediate response you would normally get from sharing your thoughts day-to-day. But you do get to continue to feel (and BE!) engaged with them and your relationship. When you do get back in touch, you can even share those writings with her if you so desire.

 

On the distraction point, I personally think they aren't overall healthy. If you take it to an extreme then you're in essence trying to literally forget that the relationship exists. If your goal is to forget it so that you can move on instead of reconnecting then great, do that. However, if you intend to resume your "normal" relationship then having spent energy trying to forget about your relationship is counter-productive.

 

You mention your lack of social acuity and of course you identify on your profile that you have an Asperger's diagnosis. I have previously dated someone with an Asperger's diagnosis (and  was also diagnosed as an adult!) so I tried to think through what sort of ways this sort of thing played out in that relationship, but it was not an LDR. I spent a bit of time before writing anything trying to think of what particularities that might create in this situation for you, but, for better or worse I rather drew a blank on that.

[Guest Dulci]

Still sounds fishy to me sorry

 

The Internet has made me paranoid. But good luck to the both of you.

[Guest Arc]

She must have access to something that she can send an email from. Even if it's a shared computer having an email come up on browser history wouldn't raise any questions. And I'm not sure what it's like in other countries but you can get a super basic phone for about $10 that she could easily text from (if you're in the same country). Or there's eBay and facebook buy and sell pages where she could pick up a super cheap phone. It would only need to be able to connect to the internet. Doesn't need to be flash. 

 

I agree that it sounds a little fishy. Be careful. 

[Guest SUeB]

Yeah, sorry. Don't believe for a second that she has no other means to contact you. Even if she doesn't have any other technology to hand, there are different ways. How on earth did people manage before mobile phones, when they were physically apart? We wrote letters, we used public phones, and there are such things as Internet cafes etc. If there is no effort, there is no point. It's an excuse in my opinion, sorry but it just is. She just can't be bothered, by the sounds of it.

[Guest Professor Optics]

All of my contact info was saved on her phone though i think, so if she had lost it, she would have lost my contacts too. I don't think it's an excuse though. Don't get me wrong, my mind did wonder if it was going to end up a case of abandonment or not, and then I remember that she's always been the one to message me first during the day, so I doubt she'd do that if she planned to ditch me with some lousy excuse.

 

Besides, she got her phone back, and texted me first chance she got I guess i was working off an old army habit: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!

[Daddysbabybunny]

Shortly after this post, on September 4th my Daddy of 3 years that I am engaged to had to leave the state for work purposes. We live in southern california and he had to fly to virginia and has been there ever since. He works in the army so they have an entire schedule set out for him for every single activity he does. They are very strict and he will get in trouble if he breaks any rules. Whenever he's not in his sleeping environment he's not allowed to have his phone on him so we hardly get to communicate. At most he'll text me once a day and sometimes face time once a day but video chat is never guaranteed. Im allowed to text him but he won't read my messages till it gets dark since his time is 3 hours ahead of mine it makes timing for communication even more difficult. I never call him, I only can wait for him to call me but the lack of communication is killing me. He was supposed to graduate from his training and I was supposed to pick him up from lax on Halloween night, but he got held back and dropped from the class because he tested dirty on his pee test for smoking weed when he was home before he even got there. He is most likely being discharged from the army entirely for this. He tested September 15th and they didnt bother to tell him the results until 2 weeks ago. Now he has to be investigated and evaluated by military lawyers and is stuck there until the sergeants in charge decide to tell him the date he gets to come home. As of now it is unknown to him when he is even able to see me again in person and it breaks my heart and drives me insane not knowing how much longer I have to live communicating with him like this. As a clingy little so many of my needs are unfulfilled and Im even starting to become a bit depressed after coping with his absence for so long. Its very hard for me to be without my Daddy, especially longer than 2 months but Im patient for him because I know if he had his way he would be with me in a heartbeat. If he goes against their rules or shows lack of motivation they threaten him to keep him there longer so he has to stay on top of everything and has no time for me because of it. My family despises the fact that we are in a DDlg relationship and I dont have any little friends so I usually am not able to talk to anyone about all this because everyone else just thinks im too clingy and need to give him space for what he has to do. Its very hard being love deprived and ive spent many nights crying over him, but it will be worth it to finally be with him in his arms forever again.

 

Sorry that story was so long But i know what your going through long distance is hard and the only way to cope is through self love love yourself for the both of you while youre apart from each other