Daddy said He needs His space, and I’m having a hard time giving it to Him

[Princess.126]

Daddy and I have been together for two years, and He treats me wonderfully and takes such good care of me. He ensures that I’m always safe in my little space and makes sure I come to Him when I have a problem.

 

But every few months He goes into a phase of wanting to do nothing but play video games. He is less patient and more aggressive when He gets like this. He has complained about not having enough time away from me because when He isn’t working He is talking to me or doing something with me.

 

I get so hurt when He says things like this because I don’t understand where it comes from and why games become more important than me. I don’t know what it is like to want time away from Daddy, I love His presence and being with Him and hearing His voice in general.

 

I’ve tried to give Him His space, but I’m so needy. I need Daddy, I need His love and attention. What can I do for Him?

[xBabydollx]

u already know what u can do for him. u already know what he needs because he have told u. It's just a matter of will u give him what he needs, or not. Ppl may love their job, and love spending time with their spouse, but many ppl will also tell u that they love having time alone as well. For most ppl, it is important and beneficital to their mental well being to set time aside for themselves. This may include time alone to think, time alone to enjoy a beloved hobby such as playing video games, or things of the sort. u haven't mentioned him spending any time with friends...I suppose he would just enjoy some time that doesn't include either just u or work. It's very normal. It's unfortunate that he gets aggressive with u because of this, but he has finally vocalized what the problem is. He needs time alone. I highly suggest giving it to him. Maybe he can set time aside every day when he can not be bothered and enjoy some alone time. This way he doesn't get pent up, then binge video games/ignoring everything, and lowers the chance of him having emotional outbursts with u. Im sure it isn't easy, but u can find ways to occupy ur time. Go hang out with ur own friends or pick up ur own hobbies to do while he is busy. If u dont't have any hobbies that doesn't involve him, I suggest finding some. There is lots of "ideas for hobbies" online.

[Guest Arc]

Sometimes people just aren't up to being their usual selves and need some space. It's pretty normal, but him losing his patience and getting aggressive is unfair on you so personally I think you should have a talk to him about that. 

 

However I do think you need to learn to be without him and cope on your own. People can't always be there for us and it's not okay to be so reliant on them as that can add a lot of pressure when they have other things going on. So what can you do for him? You can take care of yourself. You can do what you need to every day. You can stay on top of things and do your best to give him the time he needs to come out of this headspace.

 

I personally think routine is great for when you feel needy and want help. Having a set routine gives you something to follow without the need for someone to tell you things. It can make things easier for people who would otherwise sit around looking for something to do and feeling sad that they don't know what to do. 

 

You could do some small things for him. A drawing, some baking, a meal, and things like that. Helpful things or things that show him you're thinking of him.  

 

You know him pretty well if you've been together for two years. Come up with small things he likes but don't force him to spend time on things if he's not up to it. Do your best and keep yourself occupied. Take care of yourself and surely he will recognise your efforts and be proud that you tried for him.

[Guest Professor Optics]

This reminds me a little bit about an article I read a while ago, where a woman wrote to the magazine asking why her husband ended up being mean and aggressive to her. Apparently she was accusing her husband of something, and even after him explaining, she wouldn't let it go. The husband then wanted to retreat to his man-cave, and she insisted on following him, and that's when the tables turned and he started getting verbally aggressive.

The editor explained it like this: Men want to be the heroes to our partners, and when we get accused of something, we start to feel like we're the villain. At this point, we don't actually know what to do, because our "fight or flight" responses start to kick in. We don't want to hurt our partners, so we retreat, choosing the "flight" response. When the lady above insisted on following him when he wanted to retreat, now he was cornered and had nowhere to go. So the fight instinct kicked in, and with men, when we fight, it becomes a competition. Every insult you throw at us, we throw back two more; every threat, we give two more. We try to one-up you with everything because now it's a fight for survival.

 

Most would say that instincts don't play a part in today's civilized societies. You'd be a fool to believe that. Instincts still control us more than we think. So when a man asks for space, it's best to let him have it, otherwise you end up cornering him, and then the competition starts and he says things he normally wouldn't say.

 

Not only that, if a man needs space, it's also because he is lost somewhere and needs time to figure things out. Men are naturally ambitious (well masculine energy is) and when we feel we don't have a purpose, we tend to become "less adequate". We don't like to feel like we're nothing, especially to our partners, so we tend to retreat until we have things figured out. It's best you give us space when we ask for it, because in that head space, we don't feel like we are fit enough partners.

Edited June 9, 2018 by Professor Optics

[Guest Appacheian]

A lot of men have things like dens, man caves, sheds. For yours it’s video games. A physical or mental retreat. It’s just a personal space thing to recharge batteries.

[JackOfSomeTrades]

I'm not saying anything that hasn't already been said, but what the heck, I'll say it anyway.

 

Balance is important for everyone and everyone has their own needs around it. It sounds to me like you both need to adjust or consider larger incompatibility issues. Does him lashing out or going into prolonged periods of avoidance help? Clearly not. You both need to be up front and talk about your needs in terms of achieving a balance of various activities in your lives that are healthy.

 

As always, communication that leads to understanding each other more is how you're going to have any hope to resolve this.

[Guest rosetint]

Agree with everything above:

From another guys perspective I’ll toss in my $.02

 

1. Totally normal for guys (or anybody really) to require space once and awhile. Although I understand it’s easier said than done...Try not to take it personal. This is temporary... and normal

2. Basically, relationships need both people to give. I know it can be hard for littles sometimes... cause 99% is all about them... which is great! There are times when daddy’s need a little extra... this is where i’d reference all the great communication advice above. It’s just so critical (in any relationship). Especially if he’s already told you what he needs.

3. As someone who games, i’d love to find someone to share that with. Unless it’s a scary or inappropriate game, it might be something you can both enjoy rather than something that excludes?

4. Always grow yourself, your mind and your interests. This dynamic we all share can sometimes lead littles to isolate. Your playmates on this forum or daddy should be able to help with this. Again... talk with him about it

 

It’s hard not to sound preachy as I am re-reading this....so I hope you take all this with a good sprit. Your daddy knows how amazing you are. We just need help once and awhile

[JackOfSomeTrades]

2. Basically, relationships need both people to give. I know it can be hard for littles sometimes... cause 99% is all about them... which is great! There are times when daddy’s need a little extra... this is where i’d reference all the great communication advice above. It’s just so critical (in any relationship). Especially if he’s already told you what he needs.

 

Perhaps this is going to be an unpopular opinion, and a bit of a departure from the thread, I'm honestly not sure, but I'm going to take exception to that bit I highlighted in red. I feel like what is expressed there is both extremely common sentiment, and IMO, extremely bad sentiment. It's entirely in conflict with the rest of the statement and in fact does a lot to perpetuate the kind of thing that it looks like the OP is going through ... that is, an apparenty imbalanced relationship that neither party is communicating enough to correct.

 

Relationships, ANY relationships, but also DD/lg (Cg/l, etc) relationships are 100% about the relationship as a whole.

 

If I'm in a relation ship that is only 1% serving my own needs then I'm not going to remain in that relationship. Period. That is about as far from a balance as one can get.

 

Now I understand that when people say that sort of thing ("it's 99% about the little/princess/whatever") they perhaps don't actually literally mean it's never about the needs of the Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver/Whatever ... but it seems to me that a LOT of folks actually internalize it exactly as the selfish version, and take these sorts of descriptions as validating their selfish behavior. All of us Caregivers in all of our forms want our little to feel loved and cherished and cared for. But all of us Caregivers also need to assert our own needs within the dynamic.

[Guest rosetint]

it was just a tongue and cheek statement from more of a lighthearted place...  deep breath.  I don't think anyone is advocating selfishness.  If you started a new thread I'd be in agreement with you.  

 

I think at the end of the day that we are essentially saying the same thing within the spirit of the entire post...  obvious stuff.  give and take. listen to your partner/communicate etc. the imbalance is unsustainable.  You might disagree and that's fine.  

 

I'm new to this forum and have been impressed with the dialogue.  Best of luck to you.

[LittleKitten13]

I talked to my papa, because he is really big into video games.  He told me that you should tell him that if he really loves you he needs to not play video games so much and needs to pay attention to you.

I'm not really big on the, "if you really love me X" thing, because that is hurtful and annoying, but you do need to express your feelings to him.  I understand it is really hard to give space, especially when you're needy (which I am).  I've been in relationships (vanilla) where I was neglected because my boyfriends played video games instead of spending ANY time to me or paying ANY attention to me.  It hurts.  Like hell.  I wound up joining the games they played, and I really enjoyed them.  Do you think these are games you could play WITH your daddy?

If you can't play these games with him, maybe suggest to him one evening little free, but then make an effort to at least check in every hour and remember a bedtime phone call (if you usually do something like that).

If you haven't already, talk to him and try to see his point of view, and express yours.  Lay it all out on the table.

"When you want to play video games all the time, it makes me feel neglected and like you care more about them than you do me.  Why do you want to play video games all the time right now?  I can never get enough of you, Daddy.  What makes you need space away from me?" things like that.

Coming out of emotionally neglectful relationships due to video games, I can't just jump on board with everyone telling you to give him space.  You need to find an understanding as to why he needs that space, then work from there.  It does no good for you to give him space and be confused as to why and feel neglected.  It also does no good for you to refuse him his space and suffocate him.  You both need to discuss it and try to understand each other.  If he refuses to talk about it with you or make any move to understand why this scares and upsets you, you may need to start rethinking your relationship.

I wish you the best of luck <3