I want to be special...

[That_Girl_In_The_Tower]

So my mommy and I have been together forrrrr around nine months now, and our relationship has been 'serious' for the last four or so. Meeting them was by far one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and they have been the first reliable source of happiness that I have had in years and I love them more than anything or anyone else in the world. But...

 

We're poly. And their other partner is also their apartment-mate, Jon. Jon is... okay, he's a good friend, but I don't have feelings for them at all. And that's okay, but at the same time it feels like I never get any alone time with Mommy. Jon goes to bed early pretty often so it's maybe a couple hours at night but that's about it. And it's gotten worse lately because a lot of times me and Mommy will be snuggling but oop Jon wants to do a bite so now that's what's happening. And the worst part is when we all sleep together. It's really cramped and besides that I'm not super comfortable the idea. It's really started to feel like I'm dating both of them, and I've tried but I really just don't feel anything for Jon. And it doesn't help he has Grindr hookups regularly. Not just because of STD risk (tho that's a big thing) but because it makes it all the more frustrating.

 

I wish so badly that I could  let myself be selfish about this one single thing, but I can't. I want to be special to Mommy. But no matter how much she says I am, how can I feel that way when all the time when we're together I'm constantly being reminded that I'm not the only one? When Jon is the one who gets hugged and shown the work thing when they come in the door and all I get is "Hi" before they go to the bathroom? If I actually had feelings for Jon i think everything would be a lot different. But they just frustrate me. They just remind me that I'm not enough for Mommy on my own. 

 

I'm over at the apartment three days a week already, and the plan is for me to officially move in in the next couple months. And I'm super excited for that to happen. Living with my family is far from ideal. I just worry that these feelings and emotions are going to get worse. They aren't too bad most of the time, but some days they feel overwhelming (tho part of that is HRT). I love my mommy so much. I don't know how I could love someone else as much as i love them. I don't want to leave them. But... I also want to be special to someone. And it's getting harder and harder to believe her when she says I already am.  

[renea]

Hewwoo. So I don't know much about ploy relationships because I dislike them. But I think the first thing you need to do is express this to your Mommy and maybe you're thinking, "I have..." But to the level you explained to us? You all are in a relationship and those feelings aren't going to go if you do not communicate this with her AND Jon. I feel as if you need to ask them to sit down and explain what you want to talk about. Also, don't let them interrupt you, and don't interrupt them. Let everyone explain what they need to say until they are done and then hear the opinions of what they have to say / what you have to say. You need to voice you don't have feelings for Jon. You need to tell them that you don't think you get enough attention / you love your mommy but you don't feel special.

 

Love can be sooo tricky. You can love someone and it feel great but it can also be bad for you. And I support anything you or anyone does, but if it's upsetting you this much / if you decided to do take my advice and have a take with all of them and they kinda shrug it off / don't really listen, then I think maybe you should start distancing yourself or take a break from them and ask yourself is this what you REALLY want? Is this what you want for the rest of your life? To feel like that..

 

But stay safe love xoxo

[xBabydollx]

I agree a lot with Renea. u need to find out what ur Mommy wants/expects from all of u, and find out what Jon wants/expects, then tell them what ur ideals are for ur relationship(s) as well. Considering u are moving in, sharing a bed, and things of the like....it seems like ur Mommy is under the impression that u all will live together and be in a triad relationship where everyone is dating everyone involved. u need to get some clarity of what their intentions are. u do not have feelings for Jon and I would suggest letting them know before u move in. It wouldn't be fair to either of them if u fake ur feelings for Jon or continue to hide ur disinterest. Ur Mommy and Jon is already in a dynamic and it isn't going anywhere. They must know if u are the right fit for them. u also must be honest with ur self about if u want to be in a poly dynamic. Does it make u happy to share ur partner? Or are u just tolerating the fact that they are poly? It is important questions to ask ur self. It may be possible that ur Mommy is poly and u are mono.

 

If u want this arrangement to work, I suggest speaking to them both about setting up boundaries. Let ur Mommy know u will like to schedule 1 on 1 time with her, where Jon knows not to interrupt. Im sure Jon will also love 1 on 1 time with her. Setup schedules. Let ur Mommy know that u would like more ways to feel important/special to her. As for the bed situation, perhaps look into getting a King or california sized bed so u all can have more room. If u dont like sharing a bed at all, perhaps y'all can move somewhere where u and Jon can get y'all own rooms and ur Mommy can sleep with u every other night. Take turns basically. As for the STD thing, I think u should let ur fears be known to all of them and that u all should be practicing safe sex and perhaps require they get daily check-ups.

 

ur concern is the reality that u are not enough for ur Mommy on ur own. Perhaps u like the fantasy of it being just u and her, when u can pretend her other partner doesn't exist. Maybe that's why it upsets u when u are reminded that u aren't the only one. It is just a fantasy tho and u won't be able to have that fantasy when u all live together. If u fear the jealousy pangs of witnessing them be affectionate to each other, it will be even worst when u live with them 24/7 to witness it. I've been in poly dynamics and the reality is that they have big hearts. One person is not enough in theory. They can truly love u and the next person as well. One person isn't more special than the other. They won't love one person more than the other. If u can't come to grips with this, then poly might not be for u. I'm sure u are very special to ur Mommy, u just will never be the 'only' one special to ur Mommy. Her other lovers will be just as special to her. Is that fact something u can live with? Poly ppl often love ppl equally, but in different ways. The fact that u even want to be 'enough on ur own' suggests that u do not truly desire to share her love and sharing love is what poly ppl like ur Mommy are all about. Her being poly will not change. u need to figure out if u can happily (for ur benefit and happiness, not just hers) share her love, or not. Simply tolerating someone being poly often breeds unhappiness and discontent down the road.

[CaresAlot]

You have great advice so far.  I would put your moving on hold until this is resolved and you know where this relationship is going, Even if your living situation is not ideal, its better than if you have this relationship fail.

 

One of the best lessons in life is don't burn a bridge that you may have to run back across.  Sometimes you get short term satisfaction from burning a bridge, but it can easily wash back on you.  When ever you leave, leave graciously - its the classy thing to do.