Coming Out to Family

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hiya! So I have been copying and pasting this one response on numerous thread. Coming out is never easy for anyone even if the audience is receptive, and I hope everyone knows I do support them. However this is something I feel strongly about, which means it is just my opinion. I am not saying I am correct, but rather, am challenging these very specific actions. 

 

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People frequently ask about coming out to their family as a CG and as a little, and its great they get the support they want! However, I have been seeing many times (here and elsewhere) when a CG or Little (specifically littles) want to come out to their family when they know, without a doubt, their family will react negatively or even abusively. I understand their desire for their family to accept them for who they are, but at the same time I find it incredibly closed minded to do so when their family is openly opposed to this lifestyle. Don't hate me yet, hear me out.

 

I don't understand why a lot of the community feels this dire need to 'come out' to their parents because to me coming out to parents who hate this lifestyle is nothing more than gaining a title for yourself. I am NOT saying they are wrong for wanting to! I am simply stating I don't feel that way and therefore it is very hard for me to understand this specific need.

 

When I think of this side of myself, I know I desire friends and close ones to interact with my identity. I want to be able to freely squeal at the sight of Beauty and the Beast, or puppies, or any number of Little triggers I have. But I have absolutely no desire to include someone in on this part of me who;

 

1. Isn't supportive

2. I know would want nothing to do with it. 

3. I know this lifestyle goes directly against any beliefs they have

4. Are incredibly narrow-minded

 

And, regardless of what we all want to happen, most of the time we know what will happen. And if any of the above are the case, I will argue that talking about who you are versus being who you are appropriately is not the way to go.

 

For me, this lifestyle is equal to "bedroom" discussion for the outside world. I know a lot of people aren't sexual as a little, but what I mean is that this lifestyle makes people so uncomfortable it can be equivalent to discussing private, sexual details. Am I saying what anyone is doing in their dynamic should be something to be ashamed of? Absolutely not. But what I am talking about here is respecting the boundaries and limits of those around you.

 

We all have normalized this dynamic, and we all want to be accepted. There is nothing wrong with that. That is actually what every single person wants: to be accepted of who they are. HOWEVER, I don't think we have the right to force it upon people who are made uncomfortable by it. If we are a member of this dynamic we have to be mature enough to realize that this dynamic freaks people out! We can wish that wasn't true all we want, but it is. Our lifestyle is still very much considered taboo, or worse, and so we have a responsibility to our own mental health to truly evaluate what we are divulging. And we can do our best to try to educate someone, but that doesn't mean we should be forceful and have expectations.

 

I met someone who was pissed that their parents had a volatile reaction. Yet when I asked about it, I found out she knew her parents would react that way. So... why do that? Why do that to yourself, why torment yourself further now having your family against you? And why do that TO THEM?! Do your parents know that you love giving oral, or how about wearing crotchless panties? What about telling them you go to raves or have benders? How about if you like licking ass or love deep throating or any number of things? You wouldn't (normally) discuss these things with family because there is this boundary that isn't crossed (again, normally). So... why do they NEED to know you use diapers, onesies, pacis, etc? They really don't - if they are going to be distraught and treat you negatively, then they REALLY do not NEED to know.

 

Now before anyone gets angry: Yes I know people want their family to accept them for who they are. I am one of them. Yes I understand some family will be totally accepting. My siblings would probably be some of them. Yes I understand that some family just need to hear the explanation and then they will get it. My best friend was like this. These are NOT the situations I am addressing. I am focusing on when a person know's their family would be distraught and decides to do it anyways. 

 

The biggest reason why I disagree with coming out so candidly is because of the risks it can cause the dynamic:

 

- What if you come out because you need support? Now all you have is hostility. How is that helpful?

 

- What if you come out because you want to freely express yourself? Well, now you have gained an unsavory reputation that can possibly affect your future.

 

- What if you came out because you want your parents to accept you and your partner? Now your partner is at risk for slander.

 

- What if you come out because you're having anxiety of hiding this new found identity? Now you feel like it wrong it with it and you?

 

- What if you come out for acceptance? Now your parents or family are throwing you out because they believe this is "disgusting"?

 

And so on. I use those examples as I have seen every single one of them happen, and some of them more than a few times.

 

There are SO MANY GOOD reasons why to come out. But at the same time, I hate to be a bitch, but there is a time place. And 8 times out of 10, you know (general You) how your parents would react. And during those 8 times out of 10, I think it is silly, and almost selfish, to expect something different.

 

You can BE yourself around your parents without OUTING yourself. I watch Disney with my father, he watches me geek out over "kid things" and yet I have never come out to him. Would I ever wear a diaper or use a paci or call my partner 'Daddy' in front of him? Absolutely not! But he has ACCEPTED me for who I am because I am MYSELF when around my parents. But like lingerie, I don't "dress up" my identity. And I don't feel the need to.

 

I could be wrong, but I feel there are many ways to get your family's approval without coming out. But I could be wrong as I honestly don't feel this need for people to have a label (little) for me. Most of your family accepts these quirks of yours already; playful, loves childish things, loves bright pink or bows or puppies, or they know you like control or enjoy leading the group. Family members aren't stupid, they already see these things in you, they just don't know the title nor the depth. And I challenge here: do they really need to know how deeply you like control or love childish things? 

 

Just be who you are, start opening up a bit more each time about the "accepted" social behavior; geek out over cute things, enjoy those candies, wear your pigtails - these are all things with which you identify as, and they are easily accepted in society. That is You being You. There are always ways to show your identity even when you don't think there isn't any; I bought a professional-style leather purse. It is navy blue with a single, tiny golden bow on it. It is professional yet the bow and color make me feel like I can express myself, even just a bit, in a suit and tie environment. 

 

Get creative, but we need to make sure we aren't hurting people needlessly. And yes, I know nothing ventured nothing gained, but reality is, we know what will be gained in most situations. And we should be mindful for them and, most importantly, for your own mental health.

 

 

 

Again... 

 

This is all my opinion and my opinion only. I AM NOT SAYING I AM CORRECT AND ANYONE ELSE IS WRONG. This is simply how I view this whole issue. Please do not take offense to what works for me!

Edited May 31, 2018 by Little Illy

[PizzaOnARoof]

I had the exact same idea, just have been too lazy/busy to type it up. Very well said, if you wouldn't feel comfortable telling your parents about your CNC kink or whatever, why bring up dd/lg? Makes no sense to me. 

Edited May 31, 2018 by PizzaOnARoof

[Guest Loki]

People who know how negatively their family will react but come out anyway, are either not connecting with reality (and letting wishful thinking guide them), or subconsciously want the pain. No matter how hard a person wishes they can’t change other people.

 

I know sometimes people surprise others, but unless you have a contingency plan (especially if you live with your parents), then coming out to them isn’t just selfish, it’s self-harming.

[Guest Little Otter]

I can't argue with your concerns and criticisms, but I am in the opposite end of the spectrum that "coming out" isn't necessarily bad *under the right circumstances and purposes*. I enjoy a good dialectic, so I'll posit an opposing argument *for* coming out. Again, I will reiterate that you would want to refrain if you believe it could put you at risk (kicked out of your home, for example).

Firstly, if being a little is just a kink for you - then just don't do it. There's no reason for people to know your fetishes that aren't romantically involved with you, or not a very close friend that you so happen to share everything with simply because you've fostered that relationship.

 

My closest friends and older brother know about my being a little, but I own my own home and the people I told are very close to me and we all support each other through everything already. We consistently operate on a basis of openness and intrigue into our most personal aspects (I know my best friends' most secret fetishes, myself).

 

A few reasons I can think of to "come out" as a little:

• If you are like me and you just so happen to slip into little space at some degree on a daily basis, often without effort, then perhaps you may find it necessary to explain to those closest to you why you may seem a bit odd or different at times to them to thwart potential criticism or disdain from something that is shocking and misunderstood.
• If you happen to live with family or friends, and you wish to be your little self without needing to lock your doors or fear interruption while you go into little space.
• If being a little is new and confusing, and you feel you need support from someone close (rather than internet rando's) to just vent or perhaps bounce theories and ideas off of. Or hell, we as humans just like to express our feelings to those we love, it's natural even if unnecessary.

These are a few reasons I think it can be good to "come out" (I don't like this term btw). As always though, take Illy's advice very seriously and stay safe.

[Little Illy]

I can't argue with your concerns and criticisms, but I am in the opposite end of the spectrum that "coming out" isn't necessarily bad *under the right circumstances and purposes*. I enjoy a good dialectic, so I'll posit an opposing argument *for* coming out. Again, I will reiterate that you would want to refrain if you believe it could put you at risk (kicked out of your home, for example).

 

Firstly, if being a little is just a kink for you - then just don't do it. There's no reason for people to know your fetishes that aren't romantically involved with you, or not a very close friend that you so happen to share everything with simply because you've fostered that relationship.

 

My closest friends and older brother know about my being a little, but I own my own home and the people I told are very close to me and we all support each other through everything already. We consistently operate on a basis of openness and intrigue into our most personal aspects (I know my best friends' most secret fetishes, myself).

 

A few reasons I can think of to "come out" as a little:

• If you are like me and you just so happen to slip into little space at some degree on a daily basis, often without effort, then perhaps you may find it necessary to explain to those closest to you why you may seem a bit odd or different at times to them to thwart potential criticism or disdain from something that is shocking and misunderstood.
• If you happen to live with family or friends, and you wish to be your little self without needing to lock your doors or fear interruption while you go into little space.
• If being a little is new and confusing, and you feel you need support from someone close (rather than internet rando's) to just vent or perhaps bounce theories and ideas off of. Or hell, we as humans just like to express our feelings to those we love, it's natural even if unnecessary.

These are a few reasons I think it can be good to "come out" (I don't like this term btw). As always though, take Illy's advice very seriously and stay safe.

 

Otter, you are absolutely right There are so many good reasons for coming out (I also dislike that term, but it is commonly known) and though I debated on going in depth on WHY it is a good reason, I didn't want to convoluted what I was originally trying to say. But since you brought it up as a comment, I will contribute (thank you!)!!

 

Reveling your identity is quite a liberating feeling and when it is accepted, it is even better. I have revealed my identity to three of my friends all back in the states. I was met with 1. Subtle disgust, 2. Confusion but love for me anyways, and 3. Complete acceptance.

 

The first time was my bestie of 4 years (who now... I don't speak to...) and when I told her I could literally see her mind shut off. I never brought it up again, but she would make thinly veiled hateful remarks about my lifestyle ("can you even believe people call their boyfriends Daddy? They need to be admitted"). It hurt and I honestly had no idea she would do that to me, yet at the same time I was smug it was like "I am owning this (without flaunting it) and you now know."

 

The other two times, I can't even tell you the weight that was lifted from my shoulders. When I told my bestie of 20 years I was drunk and so was she. Yet she was more curious than anything and actually started asking me questions. At the end of the Q&A she just asked "does it make you happy" and responded with "then that is all that matters."  In that moment, our friendship grew even more. She was my sister from another mother before, and now, she is just my twin flame. The second was with a friend I suspected may be little. Then I found he was feeding off of my energy and he actively asked "so how is your Daddy?" and to have my identity normalized with a non-CG/L friend was down-right beautiful.

 

Revealing who you are so you can feel secure in your own skin is so very important. Everyone deserves the right be who they are and love "what" they are. And if you feel like you will have a welcomed reception, then I urge you! Go for it! Even if you think they might need to just ask questions (like my bestie) be patient with them and it will work out.

 

I will never tell someone to hide who they are - which is why I gave alternative examples on how to express themselves in front of those who dislike this lifestyle, yet not force a title for them to accept. Being the best you is all you should ever want for yourself, to be comfortable with You even more so. 

 

But both Loki and Otter make wonderful points I didn't include because I was fearing of coming off too preachy:

 

 

I know sometimes people surprise others, but unless you have a contingency plan (especially if you live with your parents), then coming out to them isn’t just selfish, it’s self-harming.

 

This reminds me of the yearly "I am going to tell my family I am gay/bi/lesbian/trans/etc at Thanksgiving" - The coming out for the sake of coming out. If you really want your family to know who you are, then you NEED to be prepared for any and all outcomes. Just blurting it out will never work because, well, how would you like it if your mother came to you one day and said "oh by the way, I am an ecosexual and I have a relationship with the tree in the back yard." [side Note: Ecosexuals are those who marry and have sex with nature, trees, soil, rivers, etc]. BAM! Bombshell. In hindsight, they aren't doing anything... wrong. But for you it is so far out of left field the first thought that comes to mind (or would for me) would be "what the actual fuck?!" So why put yourself in that position.

 

Coming out shouldn't just be a thing, take it as seriously as you want them. Which means being prepared for all out comes.

 

 

Firstly, if being a little is just a kink for you - then just don't do it. There's no reason for people to know your fetishes that aren't romantically involved with you, or not a very close friend that you so happen to share everything with simply because you've fostered that relationship.

 

This goes back directly to what I was saying above - I see CG/L as my lifestyle and identity. A lot do. But a lot more see it as a kink. Actually, my SFW DDlg Tumblr just got denied to follow an Age Regressor's tumblr because "ddlg is a kink." I thanked her for helping age regressors, respected her wishes and bid her a lovely day. Why because to her and her tumblr, DDlg is nothing BUT a kink. Though it isn't for me.

 

People don't need to know what goes on in your sex life, and I promise most people don't want to know. And if this is the case, where DDlg is a kink, I agree with Otter. Why bring it up? While you're at it you can tell them that you like hot wax dripped on your chest, or you like C&B torture, or you like being tied up and whipped. Some things, believe it or not, don't need to be aired or shared with everyone.

 

Again, this is all just my opinion and I welcome any opposing views for a possible civil and enlightening (on both ends) discussion!

[xBabydollx]

I agree a lot with the post. DD/lg for me is a kink, but i also age regress (which is not a kink for me or remotely sexual). I could never blatantly tell someone I was into DD/lg, but I also wouldnt blatantly tell someone I age regress either. Why? Even tho I dont see it as a kink, the average person will. If u age regress, like pacis, diapers or whatever, we cant just pretend there isn't a popular stigma to it all. u can tell them it isn't a kink or sexual for u until ur face turns blue, and it wont stop them from seeing the behavior as pervy, creepy, weird etc. To pretend this is super normal on any spectrum is naive imo. If u have someone in ur life who u know is close minded and judgy, I honestly see no reason to tell them. It is common to want to clear things up for someone, but when someone's mind is closed, there is no way to get through until they extend that bridge of open communication. When u "out" ur self to someone u know is close minded, u shouldn't be surprised when there are repercussions.

[Little Illy]

Even tho I dont see it as a kink, the average person will. If u age regress, like pacis, diapers or whatever, we cant just pretend there isn't a popular stigma to it all. u can tell them it isn't a kink or sexual for u until ur face turns blue, and it wont stop them from seeing the behavior as pervy, creepy, weird etc. To pretend this is super normal on any spectrum is naive imo.

 

SO MUCH THIS! Exactly! WE, in the COMMUNITY see it as normal, most of the world sees it as the big, disgusting ugly P word (When it SO ISNT). There are so many stigmas that if you (general You) aren't willing to accept that, then maybe it isn't the right time to even consider coming out... (imo)

[LittleKitten13]

...if you wouldn't feel comfortable telling your parents about your CNC kink or whatever, why bring up dd/lg?

Well, dd/lg isn't a kink to me.  It isn't sexual at all.  It's...who I am.

[Little Illy]

Well, dd/lg isn't a kink to me.  It isn't sexual at all.  It's...who I am.

 

DDlg isn't a kink for me either, its my life. Its who I am, and I do have sex in my lifestyle, and I still don't consider it a kink. But more of a way of life. I totally relate.

 

I think a more apt comparison PizzaOnARoof could have used is:

 

Lets say you took a burlesque (non-sexual) dance class, or are an Instagram model (nonsexually), or a have been taken pole dancing lessons (credit to Arc for idea here), etc. There are things that we do that aren't bad, or sexual, that just may not be approved by the family or friends. 

 

And that is more along the lines I am expressing, Pizza. 

 

But LK13 - I completely agree with you, I am a little and its not a kink for me. Without knowing how you feel - I know I am super duper closed about being little to a lot of people because I know how they would react. And I know there are people I would NEVER reveal my identity to because I know their reactions, and I was just having a very hard time thinking of ways to convey how even non-sexual, our lifestyles are still considered taboo to the outside world is all. 

[LittleKitten13]

DDlg isn't a kink for me either, its my life. Its who I am, and I do have sex in my lifestyle, and I still don't consider it a kink. But more of a way of life. I totally relate.

 

I think a more apt comparison PizzaOnARoof could have used is:

 

Lets say you took a burlesque (non-sexual) dance class, or are an Instagram model (nonsexually), or a have been taken pole dancing lessons (credit to Arc for idea here), etc. There are things that we do that aren't bad, or sexual, that just may not be approved by the family or friends. 

 

And that is more along the lines I am expressing, Pizza. 

 

But LK13 - I completely agree with you, I am a little and its not a kink for me. Without knowing how you feel - I know I am super duper closed about being little to a lot of people because I know how they would react. And I know there are people I would NEVER reveal my identity to because I know their reactions, and I was just having a very hard time thinking of ways to convey how even non-sexual, our lifestyles are still considered taboo to the outside world is all. 

I can understand that comparison.  The more I learn about ddlg, the more I start to feel that maybe I don't quite fit in here, and that I'm more of an age regressor.  That being said, I like to stay here, because I'm still able to visit with and read about more littles, and I like feeling connected to others who understand.

[PrincessPear]

Honestly, my only living parent knows I'm into certain childish things. He knows I like Hello Kitty, Pusheen, anime, stuffies, cartoons, etc. But there's no real reason he needs to know I like to use pacis and drink out of baby bottles. I'm content with him never knowing too much about this aspect of my life.

[Kresaera]

I would never tell my parents about my little life, maybe my sister, but my parents are super conservative and I already know how much of a disaster that would be. As long as I can be myself at home and around my closest friends, that's all I care about. I don't need to "come out" as a little. Daddy's mom may be a little understanding to my face, but she's the kind to talk shit behind my back. I do however call Daddy "daddy" around all of them because he's the father of my kids, so that works out.

 

I don't need unnecessary ridicule from my family. I can still be me without being completely little.

[Angel24]

I think that for me telling my family was an explanation for why I was hanging out with the men I was (since I like older Daddies) but also because they would've found out eventually. At the same time, I do not force it in their faces. They know about it but that doesn't mean I go running around in littles clothes and using my little voice; there's a time and place for everything. As for being outcasted and ridiculed by my family, my sisters did that before they knew about me being little (as you tell me and my sisters aren't on the best of terms at the moment haha) and my dad ignores it. Yes, I agree that in some circumstances where you know your family won't take it well you shouldn't tell them, ever, but if you feel as though it's the right thing to do and you know your family would at least tolerate it then I don't think you should be put down for that. To each their own I suppose.