In need of some advice, please!

[xolittle_kittyox]

So I've only recently discovered ddlg. Me and my boyfriend of almost 2 years have always been pretty vanilla when it comes to things, but my want for a ddlg relationship isn't sexual at all. Honestly the whole thing isn't much different than our norm; I'm pretty babied. It took a lot of courage to bring it up to him, aaaand of course he thought it was weird. I explained to him that it wasn't kinky for me, I didn't want to wear diapers, etc. So he said we could try it after that explaining. Fast forward to a week later, we've never talked about it again. I've asked numerous times if we could talk about it later that day (we usually work opposite schedules or at the same time, so we aren't home together a ton) and he says yes, but then he will never engage in the conversation. Kinda like he just says what he thinks I want to hear just so I'll stop talking about it. And now he's not doing things for me that he would normally do. Like if i ask him to make me a cup of juice or some chicken nuggets, he responds with "You can do it yourself." or, "I don't want to, but why don't you make me some?". He says that he doesn't think I'm odd and that he's still down for trying it out...but he won't talk to me about it and he won't participate? I honestly am unsure about what to do. How do i peruse this situation? I'm in little space most of the time, even when it's just me at home. I don't want to start suppressing it, because that's really difficult for me. He even said before it's very similar to our norm, it's just labeling it. Does anyone have any similar experiences, or any advice i could possibly use? I'm not sure what to do in this situation.

 

And before anyone says maybe I'm selfish and I shouldn't expect him to do everything for me with nothing in return, I work full time, I'm a student full time, I pay all of our bills (except his car/insurance payment and he just recently started giving me some money for bills), I feed all of our animals every day (he bitches if i ask him to do it or even to let the dog out), I'm primarily the one who cleans, does dishes, and basically any housework (although he does chip in sometimes). I feel like our relationship is something similar to a 50/50 work load. We each pull our own weight around the house. 

[Guest Appacheian]

I’m afraid that my gut feeling here is that he’s going along with it for your benefit. You may even have changed the dynamic you had with him by telling him and not in a better way. This is so difficult in a vanilla relationship where one person really feels it’s not who they really are, and love the other person enough to hope to explain it and that they will be happy about it. I really wish it works out but it looks like there are things going on in his head that he has issues with now. In the end, why should you suppress who you really are. Unfortunately that may not bode well for your current relationship. Are you prepared to suppress yourself forever for it?

[xolittle_kittyox]

i mean he even said himself that it was hardly different than how we normally are, so I guess I'm just having difficulty understanding why he is uncomfortable with it. Maybe it's the label? Should I talk to him and tell him that we don't need to label what we do and it can just go on as we normally do? I don't even call him daddy, that's uncomfortable for us both. He's usually Dad, because when we talk to our dog we refer to ourselves as mom & dad. He doesn't mind being called that, or just hasn't before. If i have to suppress it forever then that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. This is the healthiest relationship I've been in, and aside from this situation I'm very happy. i just feel bad that I've seemed to change things. I honestly regret bringing it up to him. 

[Breakingsilver]

Some people don’t understand DDLG and have some preconceived notions about it and that could be what he’s going by. You’ve tried to explain it to him but he just isn’t listening. He could be uncomfortable with there being a label on what you guys were doing.

[Siniwit]

I may be missing something here, but what exactly is it that he does around the house, to make it a 50-50 workload? From what you've said, to me, it sounds like you do everything and are the responsible adult in the relationship.

​I hate to be "that guy" and I don't want to piss in anyone's juice box or anything, but if he's saying things like "you can do it yourself" or "I don't want to, but why don't you make me some?" - that's not Daddy material; plain and simple.

From what you've written, it honestly doesn't sound like he does a whole lot for the household. It may be different in terms of his care for you, but again, if he says things like the above, then that's a redder than red flag. A true Daddy would just do these things without a second thought and would love you unconditionally and reassure you about your concerns regarding bringing up the DDlg topic. He'd be proud of you for your bravery and make sure you felt loved and comfortable and that you had done a good thing to try to discuss it with him.

​If he's not even bothering to engage in the discussion though, and keeps putting it off and putting it off or dismissing it - or you - then that's another red flag and it really makes me uncomfortable to read it because I then feel like he's just not that interested in the dynamic, and doesn't respect you enough to tell you that. If I'm being blunt, he's coming off like a bit of a twerp, in all honesty. Forget being a Daddy - as far as I can tell, that ain't a good boyfriend if he doesn't even respect you enough to have an open dialogue about something which is clearly important to you.

​I would suggest you force it. I would suggest that instead of asking him to discuss a particular topic, you just come out and say what's on your mind. Just wait until he's sat down and relaxed and has a drink (preferably non-alcoholic, 'cos drunken serious discussions aren't fun for anyone) and then just let him know what your concerns are. You'll need to be big for this discussion and voice all your concerns and opinions. Express who you are and try to explain your side of things, what being little means to you, show him the forum and other things and prove that it's not "weird" and that he can get help and advice from others who have learned how to be the best Daddy they can. Talk to him about the Daddy term, what it represents and discuss how you both feel about that. Discuss your wants and needs and how things would differ from your existing relationship and not. Of those things that are the same, explain why those fall into the DDlg category and why that means you're not asking for a massive change. etc. etc.

​You'll need to be bold, brave and assertive for it but hopefully it'll be worth it in the end. You've got all of us behind you and rooting for you. We're all in your corner.

​If he's still dismissive and ignorant or reluctant to even open his mind up to the possibility of even just the "label" (the label isn't necessary; it's the dynamic and the content of your relationship that matters), then that's a much larger discussion and it needs a lot more thought and reflection from you about whether or not you truly are willing to suppress who and what you are for someone who, quite frankly, sounds like he takes you for granted - or whether you truly need to be free to be your true and whole self in a healthier, respectful relationship dynamic where your partner will love you for you and not guilt or shame you for being a little (whether he's directly doing that or not, it's happening - otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions and seeking advice).

​Hopefully it won't come to thoughts of leaving him or ending the relationship or anything extreme like that and fingers crossed he finds that once he's begun the discussion, he'll be more open to everything.

​We've got fingers crossed for you!

[Breakingsilver]

I fully agree with Siniwit

[LittleKitten13]

Not to copy any one, but I also agree with Sinwit.

[xolittle_kittyox]

 

Your advice was beautiful, thank you so so so much.

 

I’ll clarify the work load issue first; I do feel like I do a little more around the house, so maybe it’s a 40/60 thing. But he does any manly stuff like killing bugs, fixing things, he does dishes and cooks dinner sometimes. I don’t thunk I do significantly more than he does, but he doesn’t do small things I ask him to do. Like feed the cats, or empty the litter boxes (we have automatics ones so all you have to do is put a new grocery bag in the bins). He’s not a terrible boyfriend, I promise, I’d whip him into shape if he was completely useless.

 

And I agree, I need to be more aggressive (not necessarily ride, I guess assertive?) rather than passive in this situation. We have some time together tonight and I’m going to sit him down and be very adult and serious and just lay it all out. I’ve been little every other time I’ve tried to talk to him about it, so fingers crossed. He’s home now, so I’ll update you right after the talk. Sorry I don’t have a more drawn out response, I’m just really nervous haha.

[xolittle_kittyox]

Okay guys so here's my update!!

 

I sat him down and made him promise he'd be 100% open and honest with me and we talked about it. He said the label did make him feel uncomfortable but he wasn't sure why. He said he didn't want to be called daddy (which we've discussed before because of the mom/dad nicknames we give each other when we talk to our dog; I don't want to be called mommy and he doesn't like daddy) which I already knew. I told him we didn't need to label what we did, but I was still going to consider it a ddlg thing and I was still going to try to be active in the online community of others who do ddlg. We live in pretty much the bible belt, so there's really no one we know that does anything like this. Online is my closest thing to a support network when it comes to this subject. I also told him we weren't going to just rush into it over night with onesies and binkies, etc. He also said he doesn't want me to do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and honestly I was offended haha. We have a very open and honest relationship so I trust him to tell me when I make him uncomfortable (I thought he would just tell me if I ever did but he said he wouldn't want to offend me?) So after explaining some of the things that I wished to incorporate into our relationship in the future, and asking if the sound of any of it was uncomfortable to him, he said no. From now on if i implicate anything in our ddlg relationship that's uncomfortable to him he's promised to tell me IMMEDIATELY so I know and won't do it again. He said he is very much going to try his best at this, and wants to do it to make me happy. I also added I didn't want to force it upon him, and he insisted I wasn't. He's genuinely going to try, but we're gonna take things slow.

 

Thank you guys so much for the advice!