alright guys, I need some back up

[Allen248]

I will try to keep this short and simple if you have questions just ask but do not be disrespectful to my little!

 we have been together for 10yrs and have 2 kids but here is the messed up part she realized that she was a little just recently which lead me to the realization I was a daddy which is probaly the reason we lasted so long together. Now we are both living the way we always wanted to but I dont feel like she is fully submitting to me she does what she is told takes her punishments but because I was trying to be the "nice guy" until recently I think she might always have that in the back of her mind she is wearing my collar even but for some reason I feel like she is doing just enough to keep from getting punished she dont really care if im happy persay just if she will get in trouble or not, I know her pretty well thats why I feel like she is holding back? how do I get the submission my collar deserves? Is it possible that the 9and1/2 yrs of us trying to have a vanilla relationship ruin the possibility to have a fufulling ddlg dynamic? Because our new realizations about our relationship caused a break up and I was with a different little for a short time and I honestly felt like she belonged to me it is a deep satisfaction that i cant describe but I could tell from her daily actions and routines she was totally 100% mine SHE made me feel that way it was not a feeling I had but that feeling is not there with my little she says im hers and all that but I dont feel it? Idk what to make of it?

[Guest Appacheian]

I’ll keep it short too. She says she realises she is a little. You talk about collars and submission. Seems like there’s some confusion here.

[~Lost_Little_Searching~]

I’ll keep it short too. She says she realises she is a little. You talk about collars and submission. Seems like there’s some confusion here.

Yes!  Little does not equate so sub!

[Guest lalalaluna]

Yeah, it sounds like the two of you need to have a fully adult to adult conversation, outside of ddlg space to discuss what each of you want out your newfound dynamic. Not all littles are the same and its unfair to everyone to try and treat them as if they are interchangeable. 

[Guest Loki]

Most littles do not get collared. That is mostly a pet-space or slave-space feature. Feature isn’t the word I want but I can’t think of what to call it.

 

A little rarely submits 100%. Being a little is varied. Have you talked to her about what she needs from her daddy? The DDlg dynamic is vast - no two relationships are alike.

 

Did she ask to be collared? Did you discuss this first? Does she want a Total Power Exchange?

 

You are probably correct that she is doing the collar to please you, but if she is holding back enough not to be punished perhaps she doesn’t want to be collared? Or maybe she’s a brat.

 

You know her, and you gave vague details. I’m going off what you gave but honestly it sounds like a communication and maybe even a compatability issue.

Edited May 11, 2018 by Loki’s Shadow

[Guest babygirl3616]

Ok you need to talk to her and actually figure out if she's a little or shes into bdsm. If she's a little what's her little age ? Does she act like a child ? Or does she act like a submissive ? I do believe littles can be collared but she needs to know who is in charge, as a little/submissive we will do anything we can to push your buttons just for you to show that your still in charge and that you still care. You also need to do what you think is best and work it out.

[theguyinthelake]

If you two split up and got back together, then there could be lingering feelings from that situation. Deciding what roles and interests you have/want is important, but it sounds like there's some underlying stuff. Ask her what she's feeling.

[xBabydollx]

I see a little as a type of submissive, but not every little is also a 'regular' submissive type as well, as I call it. u also have to realize she may be more on the cg/l side of things vs the DD/lg side of things (where a Dominant/submissive power exchange is in place with a caregiving undertone). If she is on the cg/l side of things it does not require submission at all, as they do not desire a power exchange. It sounds like u need to have an adult to adult conversation with her (outside of any DD/lg or cg/l headspace influencing either of u). Before u have this conversation, take a moment to consider and realize ur own wants/needs/expectations and limits before u bring them up to her. Once u have clarity of who u are, what u need, and where u stand on the topic of it all then bring it up to her. Ask her what does she want/need/expect from u and the path y'all are walking on together. Ask her what DD/lg or cg/l means to her and compare it to what it means to u. It sounds like u enjoy a lot of things a 'regular' submissive does (the daily actions and routines u mentioned), express this to ur little. Find out what her interests are with those sorts of behaviors. It's very common for 'regular' submissives/slaves/pets to see collaring as this huge ordeal and display of 100% ownership, but even some of them don't 'need' it or see it as a big deal. So, what I'm suggesting is to ask what her collar and being collared means to her (try not to influence ur own opinion of it). The two of u simply may not be on the same page. u may want a level of submission she is not willing to give (assuming she wants to give any submission at all). Also, be aware she isn't going to know the level of submission ur collar deserves unless u guide her to that level of submission (which u will never get unless she desires to gift it to u). I want to add that it is highly possible to be little+pet, little+slave, little+reg sub, and every other combo under the sun (or a mix of everything), just like it's possible to only be one type of sub or Dominant. Whether somebody likes to be collared, or not, (along with how 'serious' or not the the collar is) does not depend on their sub type or Dominant type, but rather the individual and their preference. There is some littles who will see a collar as a holy grail, while some pets may scoff at the idea. Everyone is different, tho depending on their sub, or Dominant type, yes some behaviors such as collars are more 'generally popular' than others, but nothing is exclusive to one type and not the others.

Edited May 11, 2018 by xBabydollx

[Big Daddy D]

I'm not dominant at all, so my little and I don't do punishments. I've had a far more vanilla past than she has, although I'm open to some wild stuff and experimenting, we'd both be subs. Anyway, my point is I'm probably not the best to answer this, but im old and wise so I will anyway.

 

When a Daddy is introducing an inexperienced little to the dynamic, it can't be everything at once. It's too much, either they get scared or they get really into it for a short period of time, then have that moment of panic that they are weird or disgusting or perverted and the shame they feel makes them not want to continue. We all have that feeling at times I think.

 

You have to do it in baby steps. First maybe it's pigtails and thumbsucking while cuddling with Daddy watching a Disney movie. When she's comfortable with that, then maybe you introduce a bottle feeding into movie time. After that perhaps a Diaper, and when she's ready eventually she uses that diaper and needs to be changed.

 

With the BDSM and punishment play, it's not a part of my relationship, I just spoil my little rotten, I'm very affectionate by nature and I devote myself to just always making her feel, safe, happy and loved. It sounds thankless and one sided, but I love my little (even when she's big) and she knows what Daddy likes and how to show appreciation.

Edited May 12, 2018 by Big Daddy D

[Little Illy]

I guess my question is... do you two even really understand the dynamic?

 

It is okay if you don't but this tension you have may be because you have different views and you may possibly be incompatible on the DDlg front (because of everything said above).

 

- You need to COMMUNICATE, the both of you. As adults and not jaded partners. You two are ADULTS and need to be MATURE about this. That means sitting down together and having the big talk about needs, wants, limits, turn offs, desires, triggers and everything else. This might help: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/28037-communication-is-vital/ (SFW)

 

- You need to understand that what you want from the relationship and DDlg may not be what she wants. And that is okay, but you two need to understand that DDlg is a fluid entity and it is a spectrum. This might clear some things up: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12897-ddlg-the-serious-end-of-things/ (SFW)

 

- You also need to recognize that maybe you aren't fulfilling HER needs and this can be why she isn't enthusiastic. Maybe she doesn't even like being in DDlg anymore, who knows?! Did you talk recently? Maybe she feels like she is tired of bending to your will? What do you do for her little side? And so on. Again, that big talk needs to happen and you need to realize maybe both of you are just expecting too much. Maybe this can help also: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/32775-cgl-takes-two/ (SFW)

[Guest Little Otter]

I'm gonna keep a record of how many times I see Little Illy say the word "COMMUNICATE" haha.

Seriously though, it sounds like you didn't asses each others needs. My guess is perhaps you both (or just you) wanted to fit the mold of what you commonly see or believe is in DDLG like a check list rather than properly addressing wants and needs?

 

I'm still super new to this myself, so I can only give advice based on my limited experiences. What I can say is ask yourself and each other a LOT of questions about what appeals to you. Incrementionalism is good here for sure, maybe try to take it a step at a time trying new things if you're unsure? And always always always remember that just because shes a little, and potentially a sub?, that doesn't mean she is a martyr for you. You need to consistently assess her needs and wants, just as she needs to communicate them. So be attentive to her, which it looks like you've done, but instead of asking "why won't she submit more" ask yourself "what might I be doing that prevents her from wanting to submit" because us subs don't just submit to someone simply by demand; it's earned even if youre already married. I'm a even a sub, and I divorced my ex wife simply because she tried to take control I didn't want her to have. She didn't earn it, she tried to force me into submission and I lashed out.

That's my two cents, but take some with a grain of salt. 

[Guest Arc]

Like everything.... communication is the only way to finding the answer. We have no idea what's going through her mind or what she wants and needs. Only she does. It sounds a lot to me like you both just said this was something you're into but didn't discuss details. People have such different ideas on what various things mean. What you are expecting may have not been what she was thinking of when you started this dynamic. Or her fantasy may have been different to reality and there's things she thought she wanted but doesn't. You're both adults to talk about it with her!

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Whatever you do, absolutely do not compare her to the other little to her face. Women hate that.

[Guest SUeB]

Why are you trying to change your relationship, then can't understand why she doesn't want to do it? You already said you know why you've lasted so long, then decided you need to do things differently. That doesn't make much sense. And no, little does not necessarily equate to submissive.

[Little Illy]

Whatever you do, absolutely do not compare her to the other little to her face. Women hate that.

 

SO MUCH THIS!

 

NO ONE LITTLE IS THE SAME! NOT ONE!!!!!!! And by comparing littles, its not even remotely fair to her or anyone else. You are basing personality traits off of a fling.

 

That fling wasn't a part of your daily life. That fling wasn't your wife. That fling didn't have the same weight as your married relationship. Of COURSE it is going to be light and care free and what you want. It was essentially no strings attached! It was new, different, exciting, etc. its going to be awesome because that is what you have been looking for, a DDlg outlet. However, if you were to add the responsibility to that fling, would that person interact the same with you? Could that woman handle the stresses of you and your daily life together? You don't know, but obviously your wife can, especially because you're back together and she is interested in your kink.

 

I will say it again (Otter, how many times now?) COMMUNICATE with her. And not just about your needs, but why she is feeling however she is. She is your wife.... give her that respect.

[CaresAlot]

Until a relationship is finished NEVER start a relationship with somebody new.  Somebody is going to get hurt either who you are with or the one you used to be with.  You have two children together and that makes this even more important.  Even if your relationship is finished, you still have that obligation to these children first and foremost.  The two of you will have to work together for these children, makes it a lot hard when there is bad blood. 

[Guest SUeB]

Oh, i missed the part about the other girl. And you're now comparing your partner to the girl you had a fling with? Expecting her to behave like she did? Wow, i am struggling to remain polite here. How would you feel if you found out she'd had a fling with some dude away from you, then was trying to turn you into him when you got back together? Edited May 13, 2018 by SUeB

[ForeverDD]

The best thing is you both sit down together and talk. As many have already given advice. So very is important that a true communication takes place before coming to any decision. Communicate honesty and as a male yourself and thinking or knowing yourself as a Daddy or Dom know it is she who honors you not you put a label on self. If both talk and know each other more and as you have been in the relationship for so many years, if you feel you can compromise on your thing for now do that. Never ask her to compromise. If she sees in you a Daddy and you feel you are good, for now be that. Trust is to be gained so living the dynamics of ddlg or D/S lifestyle know that the little or Sub holds the place above.

[Maids]

This is a load of bullshit. He has no thought of the kids nor his little girls' feelings. She doesn't submit enough for him because perhaps she is wrapped up in taking care of the kids or whatever she does so she can't fully submit enough to appease him.... so instead of asking her how to relax her enough to gain more submission, he fucks off with another girl and leaves her with the kids just because he's not being completely relied on? Some littles take time to fully submit, some don't, trust has to be established in a BDSM relationship, not just DDlg because there is so much vulnerability on both sides. If you walk out and leave her with the kids for another woman and expect her to run back into your arms and fully submit; you're delusional. Not only does the submissive need to earn the collar, but the Dominant also has some earning to do for that submissive to want that collar around her neck - does she really want to spend the rest of her life with this Dominant? Collaring is BDSM marriage, you cannot just uncollar someone because you're not getting enough submission, fuck off with another woman, that other woman left you or you left her, you run back to your old submissive and then recollar her and expect her to throw her submission at your feet?

 

Also, you weren't particularly clear on what happened with the other woman too and if you completely disappeared from your kids' lives? 

 

If you broke up with that other submissive before running back to your 9 1/2 / 10 year one (whichever the length is), that is truly appalling. If you take someone under your submission you are 100% responsible for that person (within reason), you cannot just take someone in just for a little bit of tantalizing DDlg interaction - you have to truly care and love that person. So if you truly went after this other girl for her submission, obtained it, then she left/you left - that is just abusing all of the BDSM elements. 

 

Sorry kid, this isn't a game of hop-scotch.

[Frog]

Although it was hard to read (hey, I'm a sucker for punctuation), I think I got the gist.

 

Take this as my opinion, but the part that sticks out to me is "how do I get the submission my collar deserves?" I think I'm going to have to be a bit mean here.

 

You don't take submission. A sub gives it.

 

It's not your (singular) collar. It's your (plural) collar. Here's the thing about any dom and sub relationship: In the end, the sub has more power. Yes, a dom may be in charge. A dom may be given the right to change rules. But, and read this part a few times, the dom can only take control and power that has been given by the sub. It sounds like you're expecting your sub to sign her life over and let you own her.

 

Nah, bruh.

[Kresaera]

I am a collared sub, who has little tendencies. I submit to Daddy 100%, but I also have meltdowns and I cry a lot.

 

I guess my best advice (If I'm qualified to give it) is that you can't make her submit to you anymore than she wants to. I voluntarily submit my life to my Daddy. He accepts my tantrums and my submission as one in the same.