CG/L Takes Two

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hello everyone! I will be writing about a sensitive topic today and I wanted to try to keep the peace. I am not saying this issue occurs with every person, nor am I saying that it even happens with a majority of them. However, it is something commonly seen in our community and it is worrisome.  

 

_________________________
 

 

I need to start this by addressing the fact that yes, I realize what I am about to explain does not apply to everyone in the community. However, it is something that I am willing to guarantee everyone has experienced. Especially as this is an issue on both sides of the equations (CGs and Littles). So what is the issue? Well... simply put, selfishness.

 

The issue is when one person takes, takes, takes, TAKES AND TAKES from their partner and doesn't understand anything other than taking. They don't give back, they don't participate in the actual relationship, they just use their partner as a means to fulfill the CG/L role. I am not talking about a TPE exchange or a relationship where the two have agreed to certain ratio. But rather the people who are self-absorbed enough to not even register that their partner is human and has to deal with Life.

 

 

 

The Dynamic

 

The CG/L relationship is like every single other intimate relationship out there. When we break the dynamic down, we are no different than anyone else: we base our relationships on trust, support, understanding and a mutual fondness. What sets us apart are the actual aspects of the dynamic, and because of this, I personally believe that the CG/L relationship is the most intimate one out there. Why? To expose oneself to the extent of having a CG or being a CG is quite in-depth. So all of those common, yet key, elements need to be not only amplified, but set in concrete for the relationship to be successful.

 

So... why am I bringing this up? Well... it almost seems that people forgot what an actual relationship even is. The fact that you need to know the person, trust the person, support the person and love him or her. ALL of those need to be there, but anymore, it seems like it rarely happens.

 

What I have been seeing, predominantly in threads and chat, are people having issues with their relationships. And a lot of times it is because one person isn't actually engaged in the dynamic. Take a DDlg example, it seems like some littles don't see their Daddy as their partner, but rather their kink. And of course vice versa. They don't engage with their partner on a level that suggests a true relationship is forming, but rather... they act as if the Daddy (or little) is something to be used to help fulfill their little identity or their Littlespace. Something they use and then put aside when it (rather, the Daddy) isn't doing exactly what they want.

 

What we need to realize is that the dynamic is alive and valid even without a partner. You don't NEED a Daddy or Mommy to be little and you don't NEED a little to be a Daddy or Mommy. That IS the fact of this lifestyle. This dynamic, in of itself, helps validate your identity, not a relationship. A relationship, a partner, is there to SHARE the dynamic with. They are there to SHARE the experiences, explorations, preferences, and so on. You need to INCLUDE them into your life, and not just your role or identity. Because people treat their partners and their relationships as tools of the dynamic, they aren't ever going to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. 

 

Now, I know a lot of you are like "pffffft, that doesn't happen?!" But, it does, and you see it. Think of the CGs/Littles who just want sex right off the bat, nothing else. Think of those couples who didn't get to know one another, but realized they both like a strict dynamic. Think of hoppers, collectors, etc (for extreme examples). It is a very real problem in our community.

 

 

 

Personal Expectations

 

A reason why this is such an issue is because the people believe their preferences are how things should be. Personal expectations are different from a person's standards. Standards of a relationship are fairly understandable: be loyal, financially responsibility, attractive to personal desires, share common interests, educated, progressive, etc. However, expectations are an entirely different thing, AND they are what causes a lot of problems in the CG/L relationships.

 

One thing that can be understandable, every single person has expectations and that is okay if you are flexible with them. What happens is that people have these expectations and if things don't go accordingly they don't know how to process it. This is where you get a lot of accusations on being Fake. I did write up on the aspect of 'Fake' members but a part of the piece fits here (*):

 

"One of the main reasons I see people being accused of being a fake is because they don’t meet the expectations of their partner. Mainly, they don’t meet the relationship expectations of their partner. But this can be anything from CG/l to the most vanilla aspect of their lives. In this case, the partner is aggravated because the other cannot meet their personal checklist. Does he/she do A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, etc? Let’s say they do all except B and E. I have seen where a little has accused a Daddy of being fake over something so small, yet he was fulfilling her every need (her words). She accused him of being a fake because he wouldn’t buy her a stuffie whenever she wanted it. She wasn’t looking to use him for his money, but that is something she wanted, a new stuffie every week or every few days. And he put his foot down. This landed him the label “fake” because he wasn’t “taking care” of his little. “He wasn’t being fair.”

 

Now I am sure y’all are like, Illy… that is one case. But look, I only knew that he was treating her so well because I was her friend. To everyone else she told, he was a neglectful Daddy. And everyone believed her. Now he is left with this reputation because he didn’t meet this expectation she had for Daddies. This is more common than we would like to think. What about the partner who does not like facetiming (for legitimate) reasons but will call, text, email, visit (when possible), etc. Just because this person wont visibly call their partner, I have seen them called a “fake” because they were “hiding” something. This mindset is so damaging because it shows how unfair this label really can be."

 

Now how does this fit in with selfishness? Well look at the examples above. Isn't it selfish that a partner cannot see what their CG or Little is doing for them, support and love they are giving, even if it isn't every single little expectation?  People have broken up because of two reasons (in these situations): 1. They feel like their partner is not giving them what they deserved (like the woman wanting a sutffie) or 2. Because they feel like they are being drained and their efforts are going unappreciated (like the Daddy above). When in reality all that needed to happen was discuss what is going on and treat the CG (in the example above) with the respect he deserves as a partner.

 

Expectations are what drive a wedge between partners. And because there are a lot of fast and loose relationships in the community, more and more it seems like a relationships is no more important than having that stuffie or acquiring that title of "Daddy of Jane Doe" or "Little of John Doe". If a person does nothing but base their relationship off of expectations, than it will never be fulfilling for everyone. Why? Because this isn't Build-A-Bear. Sure, a couple and certainly sit down, discuss and find happy mediums. I know this, because Daddy and I did it! However, that is because we didn't remain rigid in our expectations. We presented our preferences and made amicable decisions that fulfill both our needs.

 

What we didn't do is get angry when the other person didn't meet our expectations. We didn't find that as a flaw or faults, we DISCUSSED them and decided to either work around them or find a happy solution. But you don't see that a lot here, what you see is when they find a flaw or fault, they break up and now someone is considered bad or fake. And it is highly immature to do so (in my opinion), yet it happens in the majority.

 

 

 

Excuses

 

Sadly there are a few excuses that people use to justify this leech-like behavior. And even sadder than that, they seem to be accepted by the community (when the community isn't experiencing it first hand, of course).

 

- Age

 

I have seen the age factor as a 'justifiable' excuse. And you know what, I will agree for the first part. I have written a segment of age in a previous piece that actually works here (**):

 

" Yes, I am starting out with an issue no one in this category is going to want to hear. Age has such a huge impact (in general) when it comes to the mindset of when a person is ready to start a serious, in depth, relationship. And more importantly, how they deal in between these relationships. Why is age such a vital element? Because the younger you are, the less likely you are to have had any real life experience as well as not have done the proper research on things you may need to know. 

 

Am I saying there are no late teens and early twenty-years-old who are not well rounded and informed? Absolutely not. Of course there are! But in general this is an age when a person is truly figuring out the Real World for the first time and trying to get a grip on this thing called Life. Which is how it is supposed to be. And while doing so it is increasingly difficult to withstand the pressure and commitment a DDlg relationship requires. In my opinion - The DDlg relationship is one of the most intimate and deep relationship a person can have. And it is a relationship that requires a lot of maturity because of the very nature it stands in. 

 

Example - I have seen multiple people in chat who will say publicly that they cannot sleep without a Daddy. They cannot be happy without a Mommy. They cannot be without a caregiver. I will openly admit; when I see this in chat my first reaction is to go to their profile and check their age. And literally every single time I have done this, said little has been 18-19 years old. The forum is a little biased (in my opinion) and Mommies and Daddies are asked to stop solicitation when they start asking for littles, but those that make these radical of statements tend to be the same age range. And the worst part is, predators know that when they are this young and trying to be in this type of relationship it is easy to prey on these individuals. Why? Because it is true. For the most part littles and caregivers of this age do not fully understand what it takes to be in this dynamic and so it is so much easier to be manipulated.

 

When you are 18, 19, 20 years old you haven't really settled into adulthood. You haven't really gotten into the swing of things to truly know how things work (again! in the vast majority!). You have done from you original caregiver's home (parents, grandparents, family, etc) and now are looking for a relationship with another caregiver. This stunts your growth as an independent adult. Not to mention that it will make you that much more vulnerable if/when the relationship ends. We need to be able to struggle and flourish on our own to learn how to cope with the real events of your life. And most importantly, learning how to survive on your own and love yourself should take top priority. Otherwise you will never be happy. And to stunt yourself at such a young age can easily warp your entire adulthood."

 

I agree that age can be a massive factor in a relationship. And as I stated above, it can be quite difficult for our younger members (18yo+) to handle everything that is happening in their life simultaneously. As a result... it has become common acceptance for a lot of littles to not take responsibility in their relationship. "They are young, they don't know better". Well... IN MY OPINION... if they are too young to know better, than they are too young to be in this relationship. 

 

We should NOT be allowing members to use age as an excuse to drain their partners. They are NOT exempt from social constructs, especially because they are CHOOSING to be in such a high maintenance relationship. This is THEIR choice... not yours or mine. But theirs. And as such, they are choosing to share their life. So we shouldn't be accepting when their behavior is selfish / harmful to their partners or friends. It isn't right.

 

- Inexperience

 

Inexperience is the same beast as age. We understand EVERYONE needs a learning curve, they deserve understanding, baby steps and help and support during their introduction to this dynamic. But what is not okay, is claiming inexperience is an excuse for being selfish. We ALL know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who is self-absorbed. This is not a CG/L based issue, every single type of relationship can suffer from this. Not even just intimate relationships. So saying that a member can be draining AND its okay because of their lack of experience does more harm than good. You are teaching them that it is okay to be a leech and it is acceptable, and it is NOT. People get hurt this way. I wrote a piece of the responsibilities of littles, and part of this really fits in here, and it can be applied to CGs as well (***):

 

" Well, there seems to be a common misconception with a lot of littles (especially younger ones, who may be trepiditious), and its that a little doesn't really have any responsibilities anymore. In some extreme cases I have seen (IRL actually) where the DD has actually morphed into a parental figure because the little literally refused to do anything. Pay bills, go to work, cook, clean, work on the relationship, etc. She only wanted to play and get attention and affection. That relationship didn't last, thankfully, but I am seeing so many of the same similarities here.

 

As a Little we have an obligation to still remain the adults that we are. And if we cannot do that, then we are not old enough, mature enough, understanding enough or whatever to be in a relationship. DDlg is not an excuse to live a life of gluttony, and it especially isn't fair to your partner. Sure, some people actually love this exclusive dependency, and I am not talking about them. I am talking about littles who are with Daddies that want to be with a little as an equal and a partner. We MUST retain the adult aspect of who we are or we are just hurting the ones we are with (again if they aren't the dependent types). Being a little isn't a golden ticket to never work again, to avoid adult interactions, to negate your basic staples of health (diet, exercise, doctors visits, hydration, medication, school, work, etc) and most importantly, to take care of your DD. 

 

DDs are humans too, they need love, affection and care just as much as we do. But some littles see the dynamic as a relationship where they are showered with attention and care yet they don't provide for their DDs when it is needed. If your Daddy is sick, or depressed, or hurt or anything, we littles have a responsibility to help tend to Daddy just as much as he does to his little. A lot of people look at this dynamic as a real one-way street: "I get to be in littlespace all the timeeeee!" or even "She has to listen to everything I say, the minute I say it, no matter what." It does goes both ways. And neither are healthy (again, unless it all communication has been exhausted and both people are happy with the arrangement). Just because we are little, that doesn't mean we aren't first and foremost an adult. "

 

What this is basically explaining is one, massive, issue: Littles should NEVER use their role as a way to be a glutton and CGs should NEVER use their role as a way to take advantage of their little/sub (with servitude). You all are in an adult relationship, which means you MUST communicate and be happy with the give and take. Otherwise the relationships will fail.

 

 

 

Communication

 

Gee wiz, everyone... can you imagine what I will say here? You got it! The only way to fix it is...

 

COMMUNICATION WILL SOLVE ALL OF THIS!

 

The only way to understand your relationship, your partner's needs and so on... is to sit down and communicate. To not be Daddy/Mommy and Little, but adult to adult. And this should happen BEFORE you get into a relationship. YOU NEED TO KNOW THE PERSON FIRST! Otherwise you are going only off of a snipit of who they are and your expectations on what the relationship will be like. And it never works out like that.

 

People, pleeeeease. Get to know your partner before committing. Find out if they have the give and take ratio that is desired for you. Find out if you can withstand their need for attention or their strict expectations. FIND OUT IF YOU ARE COMPATIBLE! 

 

When it comes to communication, your partner cannot read your mind. If your partner is not giving you what you need, it is YOUR responsibility to tell them this. I wrote a massive piece on communication but a specific part fits here (****):

 

" Your partner CANNOT automatically know what you need from a relationship without you spelling it out. And sometimes you need to spell it out letter by letter and not just word by word. The DDlg (and BDSM) dynamic is incredibly vast, fluid and diverse and people like so many array of things that to assume one thing is inherently flawed.

 

“Oh, you’re a little. You must love stuffies.” “If you are a Daddy you need to love letting me cute my way out of punishments.” But wait… I am a little who actually does not like stuffies, but rather prefers porcelain dolls.” “I am sorry, but I am a disciplinarian. I expect my rules to be followed, and punishments to be dealt out swiftly and accurately. And they are not fun, they are here for a reason.”

 

All too often people become frustrated because they are being treated a certain way by their S/O… but then do nothing about it. This is when you see the dynamic between them start to split, even just a crack. And without utilizing Comm, there will be no way to rectify the situation. This will eventually lead to them breaking up. And it is no one’s fault really, other than the fact that they didn’t feel comfortable enough to open up and discuss these things together.

 

When in a relationship there is this unspoken obligation to discuss important preferences with your partner. It seems that people are too shy, too afraid, too whatever it may be to do so, but the current theme is lack of Comm. I, personally, have seen dozens of topics and posts asking for advice about a relationship and the only thing I can think of to say is “communicate more.” I will say, in my opinion, that nine times out of ten the solution to most problems in a relationship stems down to lack of communication. It is totally understandable that a topic may be too “much” for a person to feel comfy broaching, but if they want to be able to move past whatever issue has arisen, then it needs to be talked about. "

 

At the end of the day, if a person is draining you in your relationship, you are not going to be happy. But more importantly, if you two aren't ready and willing to sit and discuss EVERY DETAIL of your wants, needs, desires, fantasies, expectations, etc than you two aren't really discussing a relationship. A relationship is every day; it is the good and the bad, it is the happy go lucky and the vomiting, it is the lavish gifts and the ramen for dinner because that is all you can afford. It is the understanding that your partner is your PARTNER and not just someone to help you feel little or Big. They are there to SHARE your LIFE not just be the dynamic.

 

And, even more importantly than all of that, if you, personally, cannot accept that life will get in the way, that people cannot be "in" the dynamic 24/7 (littlespace/CG space), that everything is not going to be amazing all the time, then you are not ready to be in a relationship (in my opinion). Because you are not ready to realistically understand that mental health takes a toll, that you are not the center of your partner's universe and that telecommunication fails sometimes. You can't be in a functioning relationship when reality is ignored. And these "relationships" are where we see the messy break ups.

 

 

 

Ultimately

 

I guess my long rant is simply to explain that... a relationship is an exchange of energy, love and support. And yes it is never always 50:50. Sometimes something happens and a partner needs to help out more (80:20), but the key to remember is that there is ALWAYS a feeling of love, understanding and support, even when it is uneven. And the uneven effort should never be the norm. When it comes to the effort you put into a relationship, THAT should be 100%. 

 

So instead of getting frustrated that the little didn't give you what you want... AGAIN. Or that this Mommy isn't what your expect. Or that Daddy doesn't give you the attention you want... maybe take a look inward. Are you being fair? Are you vetting potential parents carefully or jumping in with anyone? Treat potential Mommies/Daddies and Littles with the same severity you with sex or financial security or what have you. If you want a lasting relationship, these dynamics need to be taken seriously.

 

 

Here are the threads that were referenced:

(*) https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/23301-fake-it-needs-to-stop/ (SFW)

(**) https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12930-why-we-need-to-be-single/ (SFW)

(***) https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/31782-little-responsibility/ (SFW)

(****) https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/28037-communication-is-vital/ (SFW)

 

 

[This piece was not proof read or edited. My apologies if it is sporadic or has typos. Thank you.]

Edited May 10, 2018 by Little Illy

[Guest ParanoidAsylum]

I'm not entirely sure how to word this, but I'm gonna try anyway.

 

Reading this has got me choked-up and teary-eyed, in a good way though. What you have written here has got me thinking back on when I first came into the community, and really looking back I fit every criteria for an absolute train wreck to be in a relationship with, yet it took me three separate occasions in which the relationship was too much for me to handle, partly due to my own mental health, before I finally opened my eyes to the truth of my situation.

 

This reminds me that I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and a lot to learn before I even try to find someone for any kind of intimate relationship. Like you said about learning to survive and love yourself being top priority, I think you're absolutely right, and while unfortunately I only figured that out two years ago, I hope others read this and have that realization before they get in too deep.

 

Thank you for writing this, from the bottom of my heart.

[Guest depth_of_field_ddlg]

I agree, alot of development happens between 18-21, and it can be a challenge creating a healthy dynamic when the majority of littles that age are still so connected with their childhood caregivers. It's a period of selfishness, which isn't necessarily a bad thing; you're rapidly discovering who you are and, for the first time in your life, have the ability to choose your own paths. I say this alot, but being in a CG/l dynamic, I believe you have to earn it by being an adult. It's a dynamic between adults who can communicate needs and work through issues that come up in a healthy, productive manner rather than destructive and hurtful.

 

This isn't mean to condescend or "kink-splain", because the older members of this community have been in those shoes and speak from experience. I know I've made mistakes, and I look back on them, wishing I had better guidance and more abilities for personal growth.

 

Moral of the story, if you're a "young" little, tread with caution and try to form a relationship first with strong communication and firm boundaries, then experiment with a CG/l dynamic slowly.

[CaresAlot]

Your body probably stopped growing taller well before you got out of high school.  The one thing that has not stopped growing is your brain.  The paragraph below is from mentalhealthdaily.com.  Everybody has different experiences but the reality is that until mid-20s your brain is not fully cooked.

 

The fact that our brains aren’t developed until the mid 20s means that “legal adults” (those age 18+) are allowed to make adult decisions, without fully mature brains.  Someone who is 18 may make riskier decisions than someone in their mid-20s in part due to lack of experience, but primarily due to an underdeveloped brain.  All behaviors and experiences you endure until the age of 25 have potential to impact your developing brain.

 

What this means is that if you are under 25, you probably got to study a little bit harder if you want to be successful in a relationship. For this dynamic you don't learn it from school or at home. So,reading articles in here like the one above and as many of other ones as possible.  Expectations and communication will make or break most relationships. 

 

Most people get married the first time when they are under 25; half of those marriages end in divorce.  I can almost guarantee when you get to be 30, you will look back at that time from 18 to 25 and go what was I thinking. Everybody has different experience that impact your brain, but the physical reality is its still developing until 25.

[Child Of Light]

Your body probably stopped growing taller well before you got out of high school.  The one thing that has not stopped growing is your brain.  The paragraph below is from mentalhealthdaily.com.  Everybody has different experiences but the reality is that until mid-20s your brain is not fully cooked.

 

The fact that our brains aren’t developed until the mid 20s means that “legal adults” (those age 18+) are allowed to make adult decisions, without fully mature brains.  Someone who is 18 may make riskier decisions than someone in their mid-20s in part due to lack of experience, but primarily due to an underdeveloped brain.  All behaviors and experiences you endure until the age of 25 have potential to impact your developing brain.

 

What this means is that if you are under 25, you probably got to study a little bit harder if you want to be successful in a relationship. For this dynamic you don't learn it from school or at home. So,reading articles in here like the one above and as many of other ones as possible.  Expectations and communication will make or break most relationships. 

 

Most people get married the first time when they are under 25; half of those marriages end in divorce.  I can almost guarantee when you get to be 30, you will look back at that time from 18 to 25 and go what was I thinking. Everybody has different experience that impact your brain, but the physical reality is its still developing until 25.

 

 

I honestly don't care if peoples brains (including my own) isn't fully developed until age 25. That doesn't stop me from making right or wrong choices. As a legal adult I sitll have to own up to them. At 18, I wasn't mature enough for a relationship, and am so thankful, I had someone guiding me to be a Submissive (and taught me) those things. It's honestly likely one of the most things I'm grateful for.

[Little Illy]

What this means is that if you are under 25...

 

I completely agree that age is a big factor in determining relationships, HOWEVER... that isn't the focus of this thread. 

 

The focus of this thread is that people have been selfishly taking from their partners and just jumping to the next after they have drained them. This can happen from both roles, genders, all ages and so on. It just so happens that people use age as an excuse to get away with this behavior. But it doesn't mean that everyone under 25 can't have a successful relationship.

 

This piece is talking about a specific type of person, not just young members in general.

Edited May 10, 2018 by Little Illy

[Guest BabyPeach]

"What this is basically explaining is one, massive, issue: Littles should NEVER use their role as a way to be a glutton and CGs should NEVER use their role as a way to take advantage of their little/sub (with servitude). You all are in an adult relationship, which means you MUST communicate and be happy with the give and take. Otherwise the relationships will fail."

 

.............while this is true, it doesn't take into account actually being an imperfect human being.  There are SOOOOOOOOOOO many crappy people out there (I'm not being cynical, it's true) that balance out the good ones (which I feel are fewer than crappy ones.......just my opinion).  I see your idealistic view of how a relationship SHOULD be, but when you take into account flawed human beings, you will encounter issues.

 

I will add that people need to take responsibility for their own life and relationship.  If someone is "being drained" and not being given anything back, um, why don't they stop it? That's where communication comes in (IF the people are even able to communicate about relationships....we've all seen those here who can't really do it).  Behavior doesn't change?  LEAVE them. Even if you love someone, if you keep banging your head against a wall, you will keep getting a headache.  The result will never change and you will always be miserable.  Some people NEVER change. To say someone drained someone to such a point doesn't deserve pity, it deserves the drained person gaining some self awareness before they enter into another relationship.

 

You're right, we are all adults here, but:  Some are selfish and childish.  Some are narcissstic and/or psychotic.  Some are loving and giving to a fault.  Some are self deprecating and some have confidence. Some are a perfect balance of whatever. Some are takers and will never be giving. Some will talk crap about people out of spite and spread rumors while some have the decency to keep it private.  Are any of the people here right or wrong? Of course, but it's like a mini-society.  You will get a homogeneous mix of all kinds of people.  There is no stopping it.  There is no utopia.

 

I respect you and your words (your writing skills are impeccable and insightful) and I do wish everyone could act correctly, but I know people and it isn't going to always happen regardless of age, gender or role in the dynamic. I'm not trying to be contrary.  There is always another perspective, another viewpoint that we can learn from.

[Little Illy]

...but I know people and it isn't going to always happen regardless of age, gender or role in the dynamic. I'm not trying to be contrary. There is always another perspective, another viewpoint that we can learn from.

 

I actually agree with everything you said!!  

 

I completely agree that communication is vital to avoid this, which is why I added the section about communication!  

 

I suppose I wrote from the understanding that a lot of people feel trapped in this type of relationship. They do so because they have communicated and are now waiting for the communication to take affect. Or they simply don't know what to do because they actually and truly love that person. There are also cases where a person doesn't actually realize just how much of a leech their partner is. But I did (I think, maybe I should reread it... eep) kind of put the responsibility on the partner who ISN'T the leech. Because they need to take responsibility in vetting their potential partners for healthy relationships. You (general You) are never to blame for a toxic person's behavior. HOWEVER, You share the responsibility for allowing them into your life prematurely. 

 

I always appreciate different views! that is how we grow and learn as a person! And catch mistakes! If I didn't portray what I just explained in the piece, than I am to blame because that was my intentions!

[ShadowsGrace]

Wise words and well put. I hope it makes some stop and think. There are no real justifications for total selfishness in a relationship between adults. Don't expect others to be mind readers or story book perfection either. Your perfect princess will get out of hand some days. Your knight will fail to polish his shining armor some days. Look at the bigger picture and if love is there you both work to be the best partner for each other that you can be.

 

Although there is certainly value in learning from the experiences of others, it does suprise me how often people post thier relationship dissatisfactions online searching for solutions before even talking to the one and only person who can really come to a solution with them. Sometimes they are outright bashing thier partner as a failure when they have not even let the partner know there is an issue.