Needing Advice for How to Help A Fairly Emotional and Self-Hating Daddy

[LittleTinyMe]

Hey, thanks for clicking.  I'm a little who is in a long distant relationship with my daddy.  He's very sweet, has good rules, and cares for me very well despite the distance.  However sometimes he will get frustrated when I play videogames and don't join his xbox live party.  In the past 4 days, he's scolded me and scrutinized me over three times for not talking to him over call or xbox.  He will say things such as a random message saying, "are you having fun with your boyfriend?" and I shoot back a puzzled response.  I have received a few messages of the sorts and different degrees.  But not too long ago (as in past few hours) he was telling me he's felt depressed and like I didn't want him and that he was a shitty daddy and boyfriend.  I tried reassuring him, but a few hours later and a couple minutes ago he told me he couldn't call tonight because he was with a friend drinking and potentially getting hammered.  I try my best to be there for him and give him all my attention, but I have severe anxiety and I get nervous double messaging and trying to work these type of things out.  Any advice or help?

 

Thank you so much,

 

LittleTinyMe

[Guest RoyG]

If someone is being contradictory in such a way, it's someone who doesn't know what they want exactly. Given that you've been there for him when he came to you with his feelings, I think you did great. Just to disentangle a few things:

 

For the record, it's totally fine to want to play on your own sometimes. If you explain to him that sometimes you just prefer playing on your own and that it doesn't mean you're playing with one specific other person, he should accept that. As someone who plays games myself sometimes, I can't imagine literally always playing together with the person I'm in a relationship with, no matter how much I love them. We won't like exactly the same games, and we won't always be in the same mood. When it comes to this, he sounds like someone who isn't too confident in himself, so then what you say next makes more sense. It's also why he scolds and scrutinizes you, even if it doesn't feel that way.

 

If he then decides to do something about how he feels by meeting a friend, that's not bad at all, as long as he doesn't solve his emotional problems with the alcohol. If you're doing your best to be there for him and supporting him, you're doing all you can do. Situations like these have no rules, there is no "one right way" to act because as long as he doesn't know what he wants, it's impossible to act in a way that makes him consistently happy. You should not be expected to cross your own boundaries and do things you fear, especially when it's unclear he would even appreciate that.

 

So the biggest piece of advice: I think you're dealing with this correctly. If it makes you feel better, feel free to take a little distance to let him work things out. In any case, try to spend as little time imagining different complicated plans that would solve every problem you have. Continue the course of being there when he approaches you, contacting him when you want to. Also remind him of his positive sides when you want to. We'll have to see what happens, but whatever happens, don't blame yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Guest You're adorable.]

Well, it sounds like your Daddy is dealing with some sort of anxiety himself. I can't really give you any different advice than to reassure him that you are here for him. I uderstand that it's awkward and sometimes very unpleasant to work these things out and have a "grown-up" talk. But there kinds of talks are absolutely necessary for happy and well-functioning relationship.

 

Asumming from the angry reactions and messages that you get when you don't want to spend time with him, he is, as you said anxious and depressed. Maybe he feels like he is loosing you. Different people interpret different things differently. ( really? ) I think the best thing you can do is reassure him that you are there for him, but also make it clear that you have your own interests and endeavors that you wanna pursue too. You should never feel "restricted" in relationship. If you feel like he is restricting you, you should make it clear to him even though it will probably hurt.

 

Lastly, some advice about "the talk". I noticed when talking to people with anxiety and depression that you shouldn't make it obvious that "you only talk to me because you think there is something wrong". Instead, just make it sound like casual talk and slowly navigate it to the problem that he is facing. I am not sure if you understand, but this is what worked best for me in situations like these.

[Littlest_Bee]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

Being in a relationship with a depressed person is very hard and ultimately your boyfriend will have to find out what works for him. You can try to be there and give encouragement but I think it's important that you have a support network that's independent of him.

Friends, family, hobbies: those are all important factors to have a balance in your life.

 

Keep the lines of communication open and be clear that spending time apart doesn't mean he's bad at what he's doing, because it probably simply means that your relationship is healthy and balanced.

You won't always be in a situation where the other can respond immediately. That is normal even if it can be frustrating at times.

 

If there are specific things that lead to him feeling worthless, maybe it helps if he gets a different perspective. Tell him how you see him, how you think and feel about him, what you struggled with at some point.

 

Just my first thoughts.

❤ Take care and good luck